Moment of pride, joy and profound sadness.

As far as minutiae of any intense dom / sub dynamic go, you don't often have a chance to step back and see change. Appreciate growth and evolution as a necessary byproduct of a respectfully structured and committed relationship.

Ina period of reflection, I recall how close my first ever babygirl and I became after what was a relatively inconspicuous beginning compared to the wave of emotion when we parted ways.

After our first few times together, I became aware of her delicate personality initially masked by an almost innate desire for intense pain, discipline and instruction. She wanted to please and prove something to herself. But this was all underpinned by raw emotion, the lack of an outlet and some need for healing.

Aside the delirium associated with such play, the times I held her afterwards as she'd fall asleep in my lap or in my arms were without doubt the most cherished. The broken soul, body and mind ready to be rebuilt as traumas of the past slowly ebbed away.

I looked forward to hearing from her and seeing responses to my messages and how much she yearned for more time together. I took delight in designing more elaborate role plays and other wicked acts to push her to less comfortable spaces.

But wrapped up in my blanket, fed, watered, held, caressed and protected was my happy place with her. I think I needed it as much as she did, although failed to realise this in those moments. Looking back I see the healing she gave me through her commitment and through her hard work.

We parted ways after almost 18 months and her life to continue elsewhere with someone new. Ready to try a more formal, monogamous partnership which to this day she still holds. She grew, she healed and she found herself.

I was lost without her. I tried to replace but could not. I felt empty with new experiences and needed time to understand why. I had lost someone whose value I was not aware of at the time. It dawned on me a new type of love had been presented and then taken away.

I'm happy I got to experience those moments and ultimately lost a lot because I gained so much.