It's OK to not be OK!

'I clearly can't let you go xxxx'

'Im sorry'

'It guts me that I did this'

My past, I'm sure like many others, has been full of mistakes, heartache, countless tears, darkness, deception, loss and utter devastation. I was an empty shell, alive, but not living. Just a mum doing whatever I could to teach my kids to be everything the men, and some friends, of my past were not, decent human beings. I never wanted them to be the reason someone felt the way people made me feel... or rather, no longer felt. I was empty and numb

Then he found me. Bringing with him patience and a light that shone so bright and fierce, every wall I'd meticulously placed... shattered into a million pieces.

You've heard it before right?

They came along and changed everything.

But its the truth.

Fairy tales might not exist, but happiness does.

It wasn't a Knight in shining armour on his white valiant steed that saved me.

It was just a man, covered in grease and oil, in his silver turbo, with a smile that could melt ice.

He reminded me that I am strong, I am beautiful, I am special, I am important, I am unique. He helped me rediscover who I am and nutured my soul back into its former brilliant self.

What has this got to do with kink you may ask?

Or how does this relate to the title?

I've been exploring kink for some 9 years now.

Beginning with my relationship previous, which resulted in all the rules being broken and began the wall building process. It was messy and brought with it a darkness that I couldn't even begin to describe.

Cue my grease monkey.

Years we had been friends and discussed my passed escapades. He was always intrigued, always wanting to know more. Once we had established our relationship, we began to venture out and find our way into the scene.

Which by the way, is difficult and daunting when you don't know where to start.

I began teaching him dominance and submission. Brat and Brat Taming. He was a natural Dom and took to it like bees to honey.

I suggested we find him a playmate and he explore deeper into everything this world has to offer. There is only so far I will go with most things so, not wanting to hinder his learning and experience, I was more than happy with this idea.

I also had, what I thought was completely derragened at the time, an obsession of knowing of or watching my guy with other woman, I had no idea this actually had a name and was extremely normal and widely practiced.

We finally made a connection with an amazing woman who really helped us both blossom as a couple and as individuals in this beautiful world of exploring one's kinky self.

Now this is why Im here, writing down my thoughts.

We dabbled with the idea of me going out and playing. We have tried several different set-ups.

Me meeting with a man - Who, I am now grateful, ghosted me. This would have been a grave mistake.

My man was at work taring himself apart, taking personal time off work because he wasn't coping the day leading up to the arranged meet. I didn't even know any of this either. He was so hell bent on giving me what I give him that he drove himself into the ground emotionally.

It wasn't until he told me, days later, that I realised the gravity of what could have happened to him, had I have not been stood up.

Everything happens for a reason right?

On another note of being grateful for this scenario...

It opened up the lines of communication even more. We had always been excellent communicators up until this point.

I couldn't be trying this 'me playing thing' if I couldn't trust him to 10000% honest with me. He worked away, was isolated. His mental state was more important than an hour or so of fun. It was an eye opening learning curve, but extremely scary for me, realistation had hit that he was pushing himself so hard that he hid key emotions from me.

So we put this idea on hold for a bit.

The next was a spontaneous outing to 103 with just the girls. Where a man I felt I could trust tied me to the cross. We did some light sensation play and kissed a little. I really enjoyed it but stopped it before it went any further. With him at home and the memory of last time in mind, I thought baby steps would be the play here.

I arrived home and told him what I'd been up to. This resulted in one of the most hard core play sessions we'd had. He felt the need to 'own me' 'reclaim me' and release the jealousy.

The both of us agreed that it was amazing and we'd like to try it again, but he was relieved it didn't go any further. The agreement now was, I could go that far again but that's it for now.

I was good with that, for a time.

After many discussions about doing it again, what it would look like, when and looking into a 3way that didn't involve him, I realised he was still pushing to let me do something he really wasn't ready for.

So I pulled the plug on play for me. I couldn't have my everything falling apart for something that really, in the grand scheme of things, would only be a bonus to being loved by this man.

The next thing we tried was something nice and simple. Chatting. Flirting. Photo exchanging. With his playmates established connection. We knew we could trust him because of this connection.

I enjoyed the brief, naughty conversations. This guy was good at keeping me intruiqed and my inner Brat was loving the easy, comfortable banter.

I could hear it in his voice, see it in his eyes, read it through his texts. As days passed, we speak as often as we can via video chat or messenger, I picked up his mood.

He didn't want this. Yet he is extremely angry at himself because he doesn't. He truly wants to give me the liberation I give him.

I decided he had done enough to try this for my benefit, I was done pushing him to his emotional limits and he became REALLY angry at himself.

If you and your partner find yourselves in a similar situation, be patient with each other and keep the lines of communication WIDE open. Don't go into it with an expectation of what your partner should or shouldn't be ok with you doing.

If you are the partner trying to learn or push your boundaries, take it easy. Your only enemy is not understanding that, it's ok to not be ok.

Some of us are wired differently.

There is no point on being angry or upset at yourself or each other.

That's not fun for anybody right?

There is plenty out there to explore and discover, together. Within the comfort boundaries of all parties involved.

Baby, if you read this, you need to understand. I will continue to enjoy myself as your fellow kinkster, your lover, your friend. I will be by your side, watching you learn, grow, try new things, fail, try again, succeed. I will reap the benefits of what you learn, After all...

We discovered I am a massive Voyer, and we discovered that, together.

As long as I have you to walk through all paths of life with I'm ok with you not being ok.

Ok?

Im not sure who will read this, if anyone at all. I'm ok with that. I just felt the need to put this out there. For me, for him, for anyone else that might be in a similar situation and it reaches them.

But if you do and you have something to share, a story of your own, some advice maybe?

I'd love to hear it 💜