M54 F53
would you change your mind......
August 12 2013
Comments
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RHP User
12 years ago
The question to ask is..... what does the friendship mean to you? If you enjoy the friendship and those "darker" elements don't affect that friendship.... it doesn't make much of a difference, does it? We all have a past.... and if that past doesn't impact the present or jespordise the future of a friendship, then the past.... stays in the past. DG
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RHP User
12 years ago
In the past I have given people the benefit of doubt, ignored my gut feeling to flee and lived to regret it. Only you know what to do in this situation. Learning the reasons behind their situation doesn't always mean that they have changed or grown. Its only when faced with a stressful situation that the worst in some people surfaces again. Only time will tell. I prefer to keep it simple and side step things that may have a negative impact on myself and those I love. We can't pick our family but we can pick our friends! Good luck SF
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Beachlover1999
12 years ago
I think it essentially changes everything for me Cheeky , I have certain values and generally stick by them otherwise I am changing the benchmark for my core beliefs. This doesn't usually happen on such a thought out conscious level and defo not the moral high ground. I have a very broad social acceptance and value inclusivity. If the issue had been in anyway hidden or just avoided I would interpret this as deceit and mistrust and that as a core belief becomes untenable. However if it had been disclosed at the earliest opportunity it allows for me to decide on whether to move forward with the friendship/relationship. ......There is of course always an exception if I find that person on every other level a decent person!!! We are only human, life events, mistakes etc. :))))
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madotara69
12 years ago
Mardiba. Quote "I was made, by the law, a criminal, not because of what I had done, but because of what I stood for, because of what I thought, because of my conscience." And"Man's goodness is a flame that can be hidden but never extinguished." If you can find the best in someone, you are pretty safe. Mrs CMado
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RHP User
12 years ago
How far they have come and what the consequences could be for you for them or for people around you that you care about. Many guys have been to jail, the consequence is they paid their dues others may have ongoing issues that you cannot help with, they could be sexual offenders , or drug addicts that have got serious health issues including hepatitis. Some things put me off men, like those men who have family that you find out they are not supporting at all or wives they bitch about all the time or ex wives they bitch about all the time. we all have a past, we all have dark corners in our lives. just make sure that dark does not come out of the corner and impact on you be safe
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RHP User
12 years ago
Cheekarses...WE NEED MORE INFORMATION with your situation.If personal boundaries are put in place for that person to behave in appropriate and safe way around you - then it is up to you how to respond. Bounderies are there to feel safe. It's about building healthy relationships.Everyone has a right to be heard and listened to.Sometimes people make bad choices as they don't know any other way to behave, that's why they find it hard to be their true selves, because they may be ashamed of something.As long as they have paid their dues and learn from their experiences..then why hold a grudge??We are taught to be non-judgmental??FOXY
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RHP User
12 years ago
at eighteen,twenty ,even forty is not who I am now.My past is past, I am the me of my now, which has been molded,fired,tempered,burnt and cooled in the kiln of my life. I expect that others are the same,.It's only if you are not the you, that you say you are,if you lie in that darkness ,then I will walk away.
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RHP User
12 years ago
It's about how their past affects their (and potentially my) present and future.
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RHP User
12 years ago
...or that they've kept it from you that concerns you? There are always at least two sides to any given situation and there could very well be good reason for having kept it from you. Try looking at it from their end. Given that your in the process of getting to know them, knowing what has happened, at what stage of getting to know someone do you think that you yourself would make it known (if at all)? That's what I'd be asking... Just a thought - hope it helps. KB
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RHP User
12 years ago
People change throughout a relationship, its whether you change together which will keep you together.So if they have changed to align with your likes and dislikes, then enjoy it. Obviously past plays a role in forming someone so there are things which you might find high risk etc and not want in your life. Very subjective matter this one!
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RHP User
12 years ago
definitely not an angel, i totally agree with Mesmerised.I've done a lot of bad stuff in the past but i believe that it has transformed me into the man i am today and i wouldn't change one thing about it.everybody sins, just in their own way. who are we to judge? depending on the circumstances and of course what sort of dark area we are talking about here, the past is the past and we should all be working on paving the future. in saying that, one thing that i wont tolerate however is liars, sex offenders or pedophiles. if someone is honest then you cannot use that against them. i don't try to hide my past and fuck me the freaks that I've met that love their bad boys makes sure i don't regret that!
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Lifes_great
12 years ago
I firmly believe the past is just that...'the past'! Unless they're Hanibal Lecter or a politician See them for what they are today.....nothing wrong with a little caution though
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RHP User
12 years ago
I try to take people as I find them. (That said I have my own judgements based on all my own prejudices) I have sometimes felt more comfortable with people who have some dark parts to their history but are open and up front than I have with some people who present well and seem "normal" but are closed of superficial. And truth be told we all probably have something in our past that we are a little ashamed of. And like Freya says the person we are in the here and now is the person other people meet,,,,,,and vica versa.
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RHP User
12 years ago
People don't move forward if they continue to be weighed down by their past. So maybe THEY'VE moved forward, and didn't mention it due to it being behind them?? People can change......- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
As I was saying, people can change....but will only have changed in your mind if you allow them to.... And I think it was mato that quoted nelson Mandella, about seeing the good??? Great quote :)- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
Doesn't it depend on a number of variables, including:What the initially undisclosed information was (are they a murderer, or a secret christian for example)Whether they hid the information, or just didn't tell you immediatelyWhyWhat you thought the truth was until you found outWhether the information has any specific impact on you (for example, if your parents died of lung cancer and they hold massive amounts of shares in tobacco companies)Whether they have re-made themselves (for example stopped going to One Nation meetings or given up heroin)How important/close to you they are.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Hmm, good question.I sort of actually don't want to know somebody's past as its mostly irrelevant...And - there parts of my past I would like to keep that wayHaving said that and thought about it I think if I am really honest with myself - it could probably change the way i felt about someone. Its probably buried in the morals equation. It is a conundrum which sort of really depends on what where and when...
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RHP User
12 years ago
It would depend on what the issue was... That said, most of the issues you raise would give me reason to pause unless that person had done a whole lot of work on themselves to turn their lives around. To some degree, if someone was open and honest, had worked hard to turn their life around and had gained wisdom through the experience then I might be even more likely to like them. I would definitely have my eyes open though.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Have they learnt from their experience? Trust your gut feelings regarding their past darkness crossing over to present day. It totally depends on what it is they got caught up in and whether they have learnt from the past and they have learnt to let things go if they have anger issues or addictive behaviour, just be aware in a non-judgemental, impartial way. If you have an uneasy feeling then it is best to sort out these issues at the appropriate time, if they flare up and over dramatise then be very wary, trust your gut feeling then gradually ease yourself out of that situation.
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RHP User
12 years ago
I think it is hard to hide something like that, for me it is a matter of asking the right questions or digging just deep enough and trusting your instincts. Someone like that is bound to give off signals that indicates something is hidden or they just aren't saying something.If I found that out, would really depend on the level of friendship and relationship. Just casual, then doesn't really matter, but if I was emotionally invested, I think it would definitely affect things and wouldn't be the same and possibly move on. The question that would always niggle you, is what else is hidden?
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RHP User
12 years ago
Well.. honestly... Lets say you and I decide to meet.... you have read my posts..and reckon I MIGHT be fun... we meet..and play a bit.. we come back for more... and more.. Then a month or two.. or a year later.. we still meet... then you find out I had done some REAL bad shit... maybe even STILL do.. is it really an issue between myself and you as a single or a couple? (IF we played with you two as a couple) OR.. BEFORE we play.. do you want us to sit down for two weeks...and disclose EVERYTHING about each other first? I don't think you will get much playing in if we all expected that... Cheekyarses... I would love to play with you guys... but.. I am like tuscan a little i think.. I have some darkedned corners.. i have places hidden by curtains.. for damed good rasons too ;) AND, I think some of them could STILL come out and bite me on the arse!!
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'cavey50' Well.. honestly... Lets say you and I decide to meet.... you have read my posts..and reckon I MIGHT be fun... we meet..and play a bit.. we come back for more... and more.. Then a month or two.. or a year later.. we still meet... then you find out I had done some REAL bad shit... maybe even STILL do.. is it really an issue between myself and you as a single or a couple? (IF we played with you two as a couple) OR.. BEFORE we play.. do you want us to sit down for two weeks...and disclose EVERYTHING about each other first? I don't think you will get much playing in if we all expected that... Cheekyarses... I would love to play with you guys... but.. I am like tuscan a little i think.. I have some darkedned corners.. i have places hidden by curtains.. for damed good rasons too ;) AND, I think some of them could STILL come out and bite me on the arse!! I would drag you into my dark corners , but I would pinch that arse , I leave the bite part up to you. especially the back of my neck
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RHP User
12 years ago
Hey Cavey.... I might wrong but it didn't strike me that Cheekyarses were referring to a play date! SF
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Cheekyarses
12 years ago
Interesting points - the reason for my topic is this - it's about my past - not some ones else's! Everyone has a past - whether it be good bad ugly - we are all who we are n the past has made me into the person I am today
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RHP User
12 years ago
Everyone has skeletons in their closet. The question is, is it ongoing or staying in the past. People make mistakes and people can change. I myself used to hang with the wrong crowd when I was young, no jail, but I did have a record. The good news is I changed and dont hang around idiots anymore and I have had my record purged as I have dont anything wrong in over 15 years. If anyone was to ask I'd tell the truth, if they dont like me for something in my past that doesnt affect the present, then thats their problem.
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RHP User
12 years ago
*grins* I love your nortiness... SF: nor was I BUT.. EVERY relationship has to start SOMEWHERE... and honestly.. WHO really goes out thinking.. "OK.. tonight I find a PERMANENT Partner..." ?? Cheekyarses... Don't know if it is Mr or Mrs talking there... and it doesn't matter either way... the result is the same... all reltionships end up with the person concerned LEARNING a bit about the other... and.. some of that learning MAY be scarey... All along the way... we take in information.. weigh it up as a valid threat or NOT, or a thrill of excitation to us; Then we carry on with the new found understanding.. and either accept it.. or "Get the f*** out of there.. QUICKLY..."
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RHP User
12 years ago
If it is about your past, then surely depending on the relationship, it's on a need to know basis. If you are concerned that someone you are close to, will view you differently if they have this piece of information then tell them.....you may be surprised by their response. If they can't accept it then move on,they were never really your friend afteral. Secrets have a habit of revealing themselves regardless of how we try and guard them,it is better to be the revealer than have someone else do it instead....
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RHP User
12 years ago
Humans can re-invent themselves, and often do.We are not just the sum total of our pasts. We can look at our pasts, look at what we have done and where it has ended us, and do something about it. And a lot of people do.I know a young woman aged 22 who left school at 15. She is now putting herself through law in the punishing SAB course in NSW. And she decided to do this herself. There is a very senior and very skilled bureaucrat in NSW who (as the media widely reported) did time for importing heroin. We have the capacities to reflect, to choose, and to act on those choices. Unlike, say, mandrills or boa constrictors.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Mr King,feathered boas reinvent themselves all the time
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RHP User
12 years ago
There always has to be someone to make a joke out of a serious discussion, doesn't there? All the rest of us are trying to understand something very important and there you go, misssy, just flaunting your feathered bone everywhere. You might laugh now, but you mark my words one of these days you will realise that I was right. Yes you will.
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madotara69
12 years ago
If Kingoftheroad had have put, hehe or lol or pmsl or joking or ha ha or oror.we would not mistake his thoughts as distressed.I forget as well kingoftheroad heheThese sort of digital conversations can be misread so easily, so they could change someones way of thinking towards another, just by missing a digital smile.It is one way of explaining things. xxMado
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RHP User
12 years ago
I am always serious with my zen koans
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