M53
what do you do when
May 16 2012
Comments
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RHP User
14 years ago
Put yourself in his shoes. Would you expect a mate to tell you if your wife was playing around? Act accordingly.
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RHP User
14 years ago
I think you have done the right thing. You are correct in saying it is none of your business or anyone else's business for that matter. Also you may not be aware of the circumstances of their meeting and yoyr mate may know all about it. If you jump to conclusions and say something to your mate, he could take exception to it and end your friendship.Better to let sleeping dogs lie.Of course there will be other members who have a different opionion and that is their right.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Told my friend ..... Thought I was being the bigger person etc Backfired, I ended up loooking like I wanted to break up their marriage!! Lost a good friend and her husband Hates me for " interfering" Never again Karma can work her magic ! Ms DCB
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RHP User
14 years ago
talk to the wife...find out her story...tell her she has to tell hubby or you will but beware of the fall out....cause he will either love you or hate you for it but if you do nothing then he will definitely hate you when it all blows up and he finds out you know....you know it always comes out Hugs roxxy
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RHP User
14 years ago
I would stay out of it...as MsDCB says...it can only backfire! One question though..if you saw HIM out with another woman..would you tell her? Hugs...xFunlovingx
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RHP User
14 years ago
This happened to me.A very close friend didn't tell me, that the man I was seeing at the time, was also seeing another woman.My friend was his housemate. It was over thirty years ago ,but ouch.I was hurt ,not just by one person ,but two.I would always want to know. Perhaps if you know your mate's wife well,you could talk to her first.If not ,maybe do as Mrs.Tri suggests ,whatever you would want someone to do if it was you.If your friend saw your partner with another man,would you prefer to know,or not?x Hugs
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RHP User
14 years ago
if i was in his shoes, i would want to know. maybe you could let him know by sending him an anonymous sms from a payphone. something along the lines of, "mate, i don't want to get mixed up in this, but i saw ur wife with another guy etc, etc..." i have to agree with cplbris...as the old saying goes- no good deed goes unpunished.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Only you can answer that, I mean you know the guy how would he take it? Maybe she had a hall pass for the night? You just never know. But one thing I do know, if you decide to stay silent you have to take this secret to the grave and never ever tell your mate what you saw under any circumstances. Actually I should ask, is there any chance she saw you??
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RHP User
14 years ago
for a threesome
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RHP User
14 years ago
I would probably say nothing, over the years seeing this type of thing of others (not being directly involved myself but bystander) more often than not you can also loose the friend, she may turn round and say that you came onto her and this is just to piss her off for not accepting.It can all get nasty with all concerned, some times best to just let sleeping dogs layEvery case has its own merit here but on the whole I would turn a blind eye and say nothing and push it out of my mind (how close is the friend, how close is the wife, what is there relationship like, what is yours to them, are you prepared for the worst case - far to many variables and many more besides)Hard one Wowwow, its not nice being in your shoes at this point of time.
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RHP User
14 years ago
can you imagine if she saw you....she's probably s...... herself that you will say something, so she may well say something to her husband, so leave it alone, safer that way Cheers, Lee xx
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RHP User
14 years ago
If you feel you have to do something, ask her about it.. if she explains it then you can feel better..If you don't like the answer.. put her on the spot by telling her you'll speak to her bloke about it if she does not do so first..that's called putting the ball in her court..
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RHP User
14 years ago
MMmm...personally if it was me (and I was your mate) I would like to know but then thats me........HOWEVER having been in a similar situation a few years ago and having it backfire on me...I now would hesitate to say anything..... In my case, I did tell the wife...and well the situation was sorted and all was forgiven but it put a terrible strain on my friendship with her and I was damn sorry I did say something....hindsight..(a wonderful thing) I wouldnt have said anything.... So although I would want to know..Im now of the opinion that one should keep quiet...these kind of things have a way (like dead bodies) of rising to the surface.....if they are playing around, it will come out one way or another....especially in small town like Perth where everyone is only separated by like 5 degrees !!! And Im with Meeka, Im wondering is she by chance saw you too ?? Good post for discussion Wowwow
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RHP User
14 years ago
...that's all it is, as Chrisjm says, you're totally ignorant of the facts, to get involved would be little more than gossip mongering. It's not your business, stay tf out!
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RHP User
14 years ago
asking for a threesome
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RHP User
14 years ago
Its hard to tell - its hard to know. To me, unless you saw something which actually showed some level of physical intimacy or betrayal - then i would say she hasn't done anything wrong and therefore you have nothing to tell.Maybe she was catching up with an old friend.Maybe she was meeting a new friend.Maybe she was with someone who she is attracted to but thats as far as it will ever be - a flirtation or a fantasy.Maybe she had so much fun with this man and went home and had the most amazing sex with her husband.Maybe she was just living it up and enjoying her moment and night.Maybe you misinterpreted, or over read the situation between them.Aren't we all entitled to have fun with other people - enjoy their company and even be attracted to them, without a partner chaperoning and unless a genuine line is crossed, not have to fear getting dobbed on? If it were me - thats what i would be thinking.
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RHP User
14 years ago
I think it's healthy for married people to flirt, it's good for self esteem as long as it's just flirting. Perhaps they have an "arrangement" you're unaware of, could be anything. If you're going to speak to someone speak to her and see what she says. So often there is more to something than meets the eye and if you haven't been a fly on their wall it's hard to know what the home situation is. I remember a friend of mine left her long term boyfriend and I asked why, he'd been beating the crap out of her for years and not a single person would have guessed it was happening because he never struck her face. I'm in no way suggesting this is the case with your friend but you can never truly know what's happening in someones life. Like I said, safe way is to ask her.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Lots if unknowns here ...did she see you, do you know her well enough to speak to, how good a mate is your mate etc? Personally, I'd want to know but I also believe in the right of reply. I would speak to the wife first and then take it from there. Good luck xxx
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RHP User
14 years ago
there is no chance she could of been a doppelganger? Otherwise I would do the same as LRE.Cheers Felonius
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QLDtwo4fun
14 years ago
If there was nothing to it all, you look like a dick. If there is something going on neither one of them is likely to appreciate your input.
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RHP User
14 years ago
To my grave it will go
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RHP User
14 years ago
I would probably discretely approach the wife and say that I saw her. I would certainly not tell my friend about it. None of your business and he is only gonna hate you for it anyway. How do you know it was not an innocent meeting with a cousin? Maybe the mate knows about this and has no issue with it. Just because you "see" someone out and about with another man does not mean that there is anything going on at all. I would suggest that you stop leaping to conclusions first. If you feel all righteous indignation on behalf of your mate then by all means, stuff up the marriage, stuff up the friendship...at least you will be able to sleep better at night though as you will have a clear conscience, right? If it was me that you saw...I would be telling you to mind your own damn business and stay out of mine.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Maaate: In this case.. you can ONLY assume the best.... SHE PLAYS... *grins* MAYBE they BOTH play..and play alone.. in any case.. many years ago, a mates girlfriend came to y place and tried to get into be with me.. AFTER a huge arguement they had had... I sent her on her wy, and she took off for the night.. I told my mte the next day.. and he asked if I had fckd her... NO WAY MATE... then he goes.. "Ok cavey.. she is ust going to say you are a conceited fck and she WASNt there to fck.. and only wanted you to TALK to me.. " then went on to say.. "She might have even gone and got lucky with someone else..." "Next time cavey.. fck her.. THEN tell me.. at least then I have proof... up until then, it is your word against hers" "But... If you chase after her, I will take that personally, and you and I shall have violent issues" Good call eh.. Anything less then that will be denied.. hell man.. even your absolute evidence of the photos you take of her and you doing the dirty will be denied... :) and, it MIGHT be innocent.. But, being me.. I hope not.. - I hope they do play.. for your sake... *evil grins* Good topic though!! cavey
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RHP User
14 years ago
We soooo need a like button!"like" @ Cavey lmao "like" @ Handmaiden"like" @ 2balloonsIn fact liked everyones posts!I was put in the same situation, to shut up or be loyal to my best friend. There were rumours floating about, that her fiancé was having an affair! Apparently the gossip had been going on for a few months!! Men! They are notorious gossipers, but all felt they were doing the right thing by not saying anything. (but they talked amongst themselves?). When I heard the guys discussing my friends, over drinks at our place oneday, I totally saw red. They told me to butt out.. Blah blah. So I got my partner to call the guy and tell him that I knew and he had until morning to tell my best friend.But please! this WASN'T over meeting a friend for lunch or drinks at a public place, this was a full on affair with a very sexy nympho. That had been going on for months! Turns out, my partner HAD already talked to the fiance three weeks earlier, and he had been promised that it had ended and that was that. What I had heard, that afternoon over drinks, was my partner being totally pissed off with his mate, having just been told by someone that it was still continuing! The idiot fiancé was bragging at work ffs. So the fallout, my best friend came knocking on our door in tears and stayed three weeks. She interrogated us constantly to find out how long we had known.. She was disgusted at my ex, and the guys for knowing and talking about it. She felt humiliated by that fact alone. Her fiancé, hated me, blamed me for the breakup, said I should have minded my own business, I told him "No! You should have kept your dick in your pants". I don't regret what I did, but she was my Best Friend! My Cosmic Sister no less. Don't know if I'd do it for just anyone. I totally agree with the other posters who say it could be innocent flirty fun. I have a lot of platonic guy friends and I love going out to lunch at the pub with them. Even when I was married! If I was having an affair with someone, I probably WOULDN'T go hang out with him in a pub!!Go with your gut WowwowxxxxAnna
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RHP User
14 years ago
There is no way I would dob.... I think people should consentrate on their own lives and not interfere with others. There are many different reasons why these things take place.
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RHP User
14 years ago
speak to her......carefully.....if theres anything in what you saw, it should be up to her to take it to her partner....not you.
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RHP User
14 years ago
A mate of mine, 20 years ago, got really drunk, and while he was asleep, his wife...the apple of his eye, gang banged a couple of dozen other soldiers, in our barraks. I have never uttered a word about it. I'm still good mates with him, and they're still together....and very happy. Sometimes, it's prudent to just say nothing. Hey!!!! We all have secrets.
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RHP User
14 years ago
You don't know why she was there.Could have been business, could have been fun with or without his knowledge.Nothing wrong with just letting slip that you saw her at the bar the other night!And leave it at that. Don't offer any more info other than you saw her there.let him then figure it out.....if there is infact anything to figure out!
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RHP User
14 years ago
Sometimes things are better off not said or acted upon, life doesnt come with an instruction manual and if it did who would read it ....................... honestly I wouldnt ecery day is a new experience
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RHP User
14 years ago
Ever heard the saying "Don't shoot the messenger"? Doesn't matter how you put it, you will probably lose your friendship with your mate regardless of whether your suspicions are correct or not. Have you ever considered they might be on RHP and are in an open relationship? Best to let them sort out their own relationship and keep a friendship alive. If their marriage doesn't work out then you know you didn't have anything to do with it's demise. Especially important if there are kids involved. My motto - never judge and never assume! SFxx
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RHP User
14 years ago
It's a hard one and it really depends on how much you VALUE the friendship. My ex husband cheated on me in Africa....yes Africa and yes your thoughts are correct. My friend good of 25 years was at the same site at the same time and was aware of what was going on. When l eventually found about it, which was through an email i read by accident, l confronted my friend and told him how much l had valued his friendship and never thought in my wildest dreams he would keep something like this from me. Yes it destroyed our friendship and yes the affair eventually destroyed my marriage. At the end of the day it really depends on how much you value a friendship. Though in your case wow wow they were just having drinks in a PUBLIC bar. End of story really.
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RHP User
14 years ago
i wouldve said hello to her and sussed out her reaction. his a good mate.. i would like to know
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Playful2looking
14 years ago
Do nothing now let them sort it. but if she was a mates wife why didnt you say hi to her or make eye contact. Then if there was something going on she knows that you know and she wiould have to talk to your mate about. if nothing was going on then she would have introduce you to the man she was with; and that would be the end of it. The wife could could have a day pass to play with her lover. too late now stay out you should have said hi to her in the bar after all you are mates with both I asume.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Try to steer clear of people who cause interpersonal drama and intra-personal conundrums! I think my friends know that if they were to do something that put me in damned if you do, damned if you don't ethical spot around me that I'd avoid being in that situation with them again.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Great comment inspirit...you have a great sence of things!!!
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RHP User
14 years ago
Fidelity is very important to me. I'm comfortable with an open relationship where both people know and agree the terms. I'm not comfortable with cheating. If a very close friend of mine saw my partner in a situation they judged to be dubious, based on what they knew of my relationship, I'd want them to tell me. Simple as that. If they didn't tell me and I found out later that they knew, I'd feel completely betrayed. Isn't that what close friendship is all about - having each others' back? So I guess there are some questions to ask yourself. How close are you to him? What would you want him to do if the tables were turned? Which feels more honourable to you - saying something, or not? And more questions, I'm sure. It might be worth striking up a casual conversation with him, a hypothetical of sorts, to find out what he'd prefer. That could give you some guidance. Other than that, I agree with other posters who've suggested approaching the woman. As someone has already said - damned if you do, damned if you don't ...
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RHP User
14 years ago
Of course you should tell him... You said "he was a very good mate" so look after your mate and give him all the facts. Tell him the facts that you know, nothing else, don't speculate. Once he has all the details and facts let him question the situation and make the judgement on weather anything sinister is going on
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RHP User
13 years ago
If he is ur mate tell him people dont want to hear these things but u cant let him look silly if everyone knows and not him stay solid mate she's no good
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RHP User
13 years ago
When he finds out you knew and didn't say anything??
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RHP User
13 years ago
an open marriage and want to keep it a little discrete?
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RHP User
13 years ago
let it be but if you need to talk yo the wife and suggest it would be better coming from her , that is telling her husband.
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RHP User
13 years ago
are you "faithful" to your girlfreind Nick?..does she know you are on pie?..cant see what your dilemma is really...not yours or anyone elses situation/business.. just an observers opinion... Ms K
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RHP User
13 years ago
I think you have donethe right thing , maybe she was out organising a surprise party or anything and you put your foot in it and are totally wrong with what you have seen ? i would hold my tongue and see what unravels ...
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RHP User
13 years ago
.....let her know you saw her by saying hello....if shes guilty she will run home....if not then youve done your bit.....let the husband question her...stay out of it problem solved
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RHP User
13 years ago
I was once told that one of my friends slept with a guy while staying the night at my sister in law's house. Both she and her boyfriend were (and still are) close friends of mine and my husband. I was told about it and it got to a stage where everybody had an opinion, was judging her, and I was told that "someone has to tell her boyfriend". After a bit of thougt, I had come to the conclusion that there was nothing for anyone at all to gain in telling her boyfriend. If I remained quiet, I was betraying him, if I told him then I was betraying her. So, I picked up the phone and just let her know that I didn't know what was going on and she was most welcome to talk to me if she wanted to, and I wasn't judging her at all, but people knew what had happened and she should know that they were talking about it. She ended up telling her boyfriend herself, figuring it's better he hear it from her rather than someone else. They broke up but have since worked things out and are now back together again.
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RHP User
13 years ago
i agree with DCB karma will happen.....cheers
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