F26
supressing desires
December 29 2021
I'm hoping to hear some of your personal experiences and learnings (without necessarily making a direct judgment on my situation)
As far back as I can remember, I've always been a highly sexual person. Without knowing what I was doing, I used to pleasure myself by putting toys in my pants in childhood. As a teenager, I was fascinated by flashing strangers online and taking nude photos. I loved skinny dipping with friends and always made jokes about playing strip poker.
Surprisingly, I grew up in a conservative/religious family and was taught that I should cover up and be modest, "save myself" for marriage etc. I personally rejected these views fairly early on.
I am now 23 and have been with my husband for 7 years, married for 2. Recently, I've been experiencing increased desire to explore swinging. We are very open with each other and he supports me sharing photos online and chatting to other couples but has no interest in it himself and is not okay with me pursuing anything without him.
We've discussed visiting a swingers club and he's agreed to try it out because he knows how excited I am and understands my desires.
I have this sense that these desires have always been/will always be in me but have not and will not ever really be in him. I love him so much and he means more to me than exploring my sexual fantasies. I don't want to push him into something he doesn't want. When I have previously tried to resign myself to letting it go, I feel really sad. When I am chatting to a couple and planning a visit to a club, I feel so exhilarated. It feels so right for me. I am so intensely turned on by the thought of being shared, being watched, performing oral on another guy, watching my husband with another woman, being dominated by another guy and generally having fun, getting naked and hopefully turning people on!
I see swinging as so much more than sex. It is a way to deeply enjoy my body and truly embrace pleasure, giving and receiving. I desperately want the freedom to explore.
I am of course grateful that my husband is willing to visit a club so will start there then reassess. Sometimes I just feel unsure about how to process it all so thought it might help to share.
What are your thoughts on whether you can supress these desires long term or not?
Comments
RHP User
3 years ago
*suppressing*
Sawadee
3 years ago
You are obviously a sexual person with needs. Nothing wrong with that ' just the way you are. Seems to me your on the right track by communicating with your husband who appears to support you ...
Like all sexual needs , experiment ' dip your toe and see if it works . People often find the fantasy is not as good in reality.. l hope you and your husband enjoy your journey...
ReyandJean
3 years ago
For us there is a fair bit of compersion when either of us has sex with other people.
Compersion is a term used to describe the feeling of love and shared pleasure watching one’s partner with another person.
Search for the word and devianceanddesire to get a fuller explanation.
There are some useful guidelines how you can define the rules of yourselves and your relationship in the book "Rewriting the Rules" and some helpful online resources if you do a search. Basically there is nothing wrong with you or your desires. You are one of the few who acknowledges that you are suppressing yourself with your current set of relationship rules.
There is little risk for people in a committed relationship (that has good communication) in attending a swingers event. No one is forced to participate, and voyeurism is a good place to start the journey for a debrief at home later. Small steps recommended in the beginning after some basic rules of engagement are agreed.
teamaj2
3 years ago
Lots of sound advice from the forum posts .
My advice is to be patient.
Always listen to your husbands concerns and input ( if any ) prior exploration , during play and especially afterwards . Boundaries you put in place are important. These boundaries can of course be negotiated and changed as you progress in your exploration.
My husband waited 10 years for me to be ‘ready ‘ to explore . He was always reassuring . He told me if at any time I wanted to leave an event or stop play , that was 100% okay .
We never know how we will really feel once events unfold .
I’ve said this previously on the forum-
He never pressured me
He addressed all my concerns with respect and patience .
We met someone in a bar one night whilst away and I felt no pressure to proceed . He checked in with me many times .
On attending our first event we agreed that if at any time either of us wanted to leave , that was 100% okay . If we were to engage in play , it had to be okay with both of us - no questions asked .
Communication and your husbands feelings I would think, should be your main consideration . I know that may prove difficult once caught up in the heat of the moment . If your relationship is important to you , take baby steps and enjoy the ride . Ax
EarthQueen
3 years ago
I guess you will have to see how it goes when you go there. Have you discussed what will happen on the night and exactly what the boundaries are? You need to communicate this to each other before you go. TBH he sounds like he is only doing it to please/plactate you and it doesn't bode well. If you have fundamentally different takes on sexuality it will be an issue. Especially because you are so young and have many years together ahead of you, If he stops you you will resent him and if you push him into something he doesn't want he will resent you. Maybe you will get lucky and he will love the experience as much as you but it's important to keep communicating as I'm sure this will bring up many feeling for you both.
jenniecruising
3 years ago
Gone already? Jeez you looked so convincing
RHP User
3 years ago
Hey, your partner needs to just dive in.
Sarah and I had our first experience by one off chance that happened naturally. Not something I was into but she clearly was. I didn’t think I’d enjoy this lifestyle but I was wrong. Once it occurred naturally, I haven’t looked back. If you had asked me prior to the event I would have been totally against but I’m glad it happened. It has made our sex life much more exciting .RHP User
3 years ago
People on here will always tell you 'go for it'. You're an attractive woman and people will want to be with you. I had the same situation, and my marriage dissolved. Not every story will be the same, but you are asking people who have a bias.
Ex007
3 years ago
Everything we feel in a relationship, uncertainty, relationships fears, jealousy all comes down to not loving one’s ourselves enough. If you love yourself enough and what nothing but happiness for yourself and others there is no fear.
Humans were not made to have only one love. We are complex and diverse individuals how can 1 person satisfy all of another’s wants, needs and desires.
In every other aspect of life, we are told many hands make light work. More brains in the think tank lead to better problem-solving. Teams work better and are more productive than individuals (for the most part). In groups, humans are happier even an introvert. So why would love and life partners be any different?
I find it difficult to find men who can accept that they will not be my only love. I would never love them any less because the love I have for them is between myself and them. My love is individual to that person. As parents, we don’t love one child more than the other. We love each of them for the unique and amazing humans they are and the bond with share with them.
I’m not really answering your question. However, I want you to know others think similar to yourself. Enjoy your RHP journey. 🙏🏽
MrsTingle
3 years ago
Great post. Mr T is like you,gets a huge hit of compersion at the thought of mine or in fact others’ pleasure. It was me who had to find my desire. That could be something for you to think about: supporting your fella to nurture his own passion and desire …and it may look different to what turns you on. The more I’ve developed my own positive and passionate relationship with sex, the more confident and open I’ve been about Mr T exploring his.
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