ladies help me understand

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  wrote about it. I don't think she is the ultimate authority, but the diaries she used for her research show this is a very common problem with her diarists: he wanting, she unwilling. I was quite startled to hear how many women over 40 had ostensibly lost all interest. One suggestion she gave was "do it anyway" coz once you get started ....That met with some resistance. But it worked pragmatically. Medication may be contributory, and conversely, some supplements may assist in reversal. ....I dunno if the female forumites here fall into this category (BTW: is the forum buggy this morning?)

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  It seems that something else is going on. If it was the medication you would expect that the loss of sexual desire would have been evident straight up. Her wanting to cuddle is a good sign and kinda confirms that it isn't about you. Can you elaborate on how you "understand and support" her? No offence intended but some men (and women) have no idea how to do this. For example when I had a chronic pain condition and lost sexual desire my ex thought he was being understanding and supportive by not pushing me to have sex. For most women foreplay begins long before you get to the bedroom; it's asking how her day was, doing anything that takes some pressure off like cooking dinner or doing the washing and doing it without being asked. Some women find it hard asking for help, it's almost as though they're admitting they're a failure. I refused to ask my ex to do anything because in my opinion asking for help implied it was my job to begin with. Most importantly drop the expectation of sex and when you reach for her make it about the cuddle so she doesn't feel she is failing you. Just be there for her the way she needs you right now. Good luck to you both.

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  15 years ago when I was 20 and have a lovely little scar on my neck as a result It took quite a while and many blood tests to determine the level of Oroxine for me to take daily and I have blood tests even now every 3 months to make sure my thyroid levels are correct and my medication levels are in line. In the past for whatever reason I haven't taken the drug, (been overseas and forgotten script) after a few days I feel sluggish, tired, uninterested and whatever I have eaten in those days seem to go straight to the hips and I have no sexual desire whatsoever. And roll on depression Oroxine is a very powerful drug and people often underestimate exactly how interactive the thyroid is in our bodies and what it does exactly. I do agree with your wife when she says it isn't you. I'm sure that it isn't I would strongly suggest that Mrs go back to GP and request a blood test to get her levels checked and to get them regular checked. All sort of things can interrupt your thyroid levels including just a bad attack of gastro. If her levels are down and she needs n a increase in her medication, it will take a few days but wow you sure notice the difference. I also note that Mrs's age is 44. Again because of her thyroid issue she could be pre/peri menopausal even at her age and again blood tests will confirm this. I think its great that you posted this forum and for sharing your concern. Good luck with it all and please let us all know how you get on.

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  If your mrs still wants to cuddle you and still loves you and you still love her and love to cuddle her ! Then ride it out with your girl instead of sex man just cuddle give her a kiss hold her tight and tell her you love her because you truly do , and hopefully together you will both ride out the hard times and some other treatment maybe called for but dont give up on her she wont give up on you and with a bit of luck her libido will come back in future so fierce and so powerful it will be you my friend that says honey can we just cuddle tonight im fucked !! Hahaha Mr and mrs shewantstotry Never give up on eachother never. - Posted from rhpmobile

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  I get out there and enjoy, I didn't make the choice for no sex, he has. Im not going to leave him, but Im also not going to not enjoy sex just because he has no drive.

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  If she is willing, get her to talk to your gp about it. Loss of libido can be just as confusing and disappointing for the person who has lost it as well as yourself. Give her time and of course no pressure, this seems silly and obvious, but even a look at the wrong moment can feel like pressure and then will turn to guilt. Neither feelings are sexy. Good Luck

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  Sorry Mr SheWants - I might have 1 too many penises to meet the criteria for your target audience, but I think I can offer some useful advice...I was in a very similar position - in an otherwise healthy 20 year marriage, but the last 10 years almost completely sex free.We tried almost everything to get things back on track - counselling, holidays and weekends away, regular date nights and even scheduled “sexy time” but all of these things were either very short lived, or just had no effect at all.We read dozens of relationship and self help books as well.Betty Arndt's “The Sex Diaries” changed my whole outlook on relationships. It showed just how common this situation was and how people in various situations managed their relationships to stay together. Some other very good reads were “The Sex-Starved Marriage – Boosting your Marriage Libido – A Couple's Guide”, by Michelle Weiner-Davis; and the aptly titled “I'd Rather Eat Chocolate”, by Joan Sewell. You can source both on Amazon. One thing I learned though is that unless there is an underlying medical or psychological condition that is causing the loss of libido that can either be cured, reversed or treated with medication or therapy, then the chance of things improving substantially is about zero. So you each have some choices – are you prepared to stay together as a couple and live this way? If so, for how long? Would both of you be prepared to accept you seeking sexual fulfilment outside the marriage? If no, then at some stage you might need to consider going separate ways. The only thing my ex and I regretted about that decision was that we should have done it much sooner. We are better friends now than 10 yrs ago and are both happy in our new lives. Best of luck and I hope it works out for the best, whatever that is... Rocky

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  HedonicGent

  12 years ago

  But first off it's worth a GP visit for a number of hormone tests, obviously including thyroxine levels as that's what she has an imbalance of. It's only likely that that would be contributing if she's got an underactive thyroid and has many symptoms along the lines of lethargy, poor concentration, weight gain, cold intolerance, dry skin and hair loss in addition to loss of libido. There are a number of other hormones at play that could contribute but best to chat with a GP/gynaecologist about that. Medications can contribute but usually only specific ones (like finasteride for male pattern baldness) and I'm not aware of any being so delayed. Again worth running by the GP. If it's not that then there's obviously a number of other things which might include mood disorders, etc or particular life stresses which she has trouble getting past. You know her, we don't so I don't want to invent non-existent problems. I'd suggest start with the basics (GP) and work up if required.

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  gazpacho

  12 years ago

  Just say next... lmfao. OK... maybe that's a bit harsh, but you have to unleash the mongrel. A loving caring partner would understand this. :) HugsGazpacho

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  gazpacho

  12 years ago

  Quoting 'Melbourne_Babe' I get out there and enjoy, I didn't make the choice for no sex, he has. Im not going to leave him, but Im also not going to not enjoy sex just because he has no drive. Exactly. Stop making a fuss. go out, fuck, enjoy. It's your life to live. If you choose to stand by her then that's brilliant, but it doesn't mean you ought become celibate. HugsGazp

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  RHP User

  12 years ago

  Sukki Rocknminx thanks for the tips, we hve been to various doctors, had numerous tests over the years, got lots worse in the last few months. Have totally changed diet to try to help it naturally but to no avail so far (gee I miss my hot chips lol). Guess we just need to persevere and see. Oh and Melbourne babe, apart from 1800 kilometres and 25 odd years I would maybe take up your offer / suggestion lol

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