Adult Forums   \   Hot Topics   \   You know you're fifty when.......

+ New Topic

RHP

RHP User

M64

You know you're fifty when.......

February 13 2012

I just got a letter in the mail from the Feds. Inside I found a testing kit... they want a couple of stool samples. Now... call me cynical but if they want a DNA sample from me there's a lot funner ways to acquire one! The sneaky bastards are pretending it has something to do with a National Bowel Cancer testing program. Jeese. I suppose that's a good thing, if it checks out. I'm still ging to wear my tin foil hat though just in case the aliens are watching. Now just when I have a legitimate excuse to go probing around in my arse I don't feel at all like it! And this is no way to treat someone with dissociative identity issues... I vaguely remember being probed quite recently by someone in uniform! All dignity... whatever was left of it... is slowly being eroded. Anyway... (I've decided I'm going to get someone to help me out with this one.. and then we can do a peppermint enema. gotta love a good flush!) Ok... that's making me blush just a little thinking about it... (the nurse in my head must be french, going by the armpit hairs). Hmmm... Where did that guy in the brackets come from? Piss off mate. this is my topic of discussion. Dirty bastard.So... pap smears. Tell me ladies... is it really all that bad? I mean, surely, if you choose your doctor wisely, yo can get a little bit of a twinkle in your eye... just saying? And if anyone can confirm that the Bowel cancer thing is actually real.... that might help... but don't just look it up on the internet... yo can't trust the internet.. the Government runs it!HugsStalky

reply

Comments

  • RHP

    RHP User

    14 years ago

    My little pooper scooper kit arrived in the mail on my actual 50th birthday!Different sort of birthday pressie :).I went along with their game and mailed a sample back in their cute little kit.....was notified that there was some indicators that not all was brilliant in poop town....they suggested an appointment with my local GP to arrange a fun colonoscopy..It was a fun adventure, great drugs, little sleep, wake up all nice and clean and one polyp removed. It seems these nasty little polyps are the pre-curser to bowel cancer..So it seems that the arrival of that little kit on my birthday was indeed a great present.(and they even give you a cuppa and biscuit afterwards....lol )

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    14 years ago

    Pap smears! Well I don't know if they are that bad...but it is uncomfortable. My female doctor normally gets me to go starkers... so she can do a breast exam as well. So then, there you are naked, spread-eagled on a examination table while they are putting their gloves on, getting the instruments ready... while in the mean time they are asking you about work, or your family or something. The internal exam comes first... usually two fingers or so. Then the actual pap smear, it is often a little cold when it goes in and you can hear it clicking when she opens it. All in all, not really my favourite thing to do. Although the scenario quite often features in a certain fantasy of mine. Go figure. xxMeeka

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    14 years ago

    Kiss & Stalky, are you being serious? Collect your own sample and mail it off?? I think you are pulling our, the youngsters , legs. Surely? How did you send it back? With Swift & Shift Scat Couriers or something? BwahahahahaxxMeeka

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    14 years ago

    Shitty birthday card Lol

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    14 years ago

    Can't comment on the pap smear campaign there Stalky, but maybe you could fart into a bag and tell them that's all you could manage at the time, and that you hope that will suffice?

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    14 years ago

    Yes, this will actually be a first for me. I've never had a reason to mail a turd before but I suppose, as they say, there's a first for everything!! Included with the letter in the mail is: Two specimen collection sheets Two collection sticks (lmfao) in a ziplock bag Two sampling tubes Two labels Two large screw top transport tubes One reply paid envelope! So. Ahem. At least I dont need to use a pair of kitchen tongs? I'm thinking I should do the postie a favour and film it and then just send them a video. Hugs Stalky

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    14 years ago

    send em the sauce bottle Stalky

    reply

  • erotictouch4u

    erotictouch4u

    14 years ago

    But I think they are just trying to determine how far we will live past 50 so they can factor in the amount of old-age pensions for the next budget ET xox

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    14 years ago

    Who would have thought, that every day there is poop being mailed in Government baggies :)..There really are well organised with their collection and delivery system Meeka & DGT......Do you really think I would pull your legs over something this crazy?

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    14 years ago

    I dont like this post i lost my father and step father to bowel cancer.Bend over stalky.

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    14 years ago

    Any one with a history of bowel cancer needs to get tested, even before 50. Those tests in the mail have saved a lot of lives. Bowel cancer is often slow and does not present with pain till its often to late its a sneaky sucker. As my father is dead from cancer, smoker, and my mother is on her way with bowel cancer , and my mother in-law died of bowel cancer at 51 my kids have the whammy from both sides of the family. I have had polyps removed and as much as I hate the darn tests its better than what I have seen my family go through. I get wild with smokers and I am mad that my father smoked despite all the warnings and my aunty dragging around her oxygen bottle begging for morphine in the night and dying an ugly painful death. So yep life begins at 50 so long as you let people look up your arse, put cold instruments into your cunt, check your saggy tits for breast cancer, look at your moles and old age liver spots with a light. Test your hearing, and your vision as the wheels slowly fall off sigh! god stalky, now I feel like the oldest woman on RHP And still an anal virgin but for a tube with a camera on it I am going to get into my flannels and have my cuppa and curl up with a mills and boon its good to grow old disgracefully.

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    14 years ago

    scoop up you dogs turd and send it back   Woof

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    14 years ago

    Hmmmm, hope they have a simpler sytem when I hit 50. I was rather hoping to send it electronically.....its going to make a mess of my scanner. Still, will be easier to clean than my USB port.......maybe there will be an app.....

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    14 years ago

    Don't forget the flammable/explosive sticker on the package.

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    14 years ago

    You know you're 50 when your dentist asks you to start eating softer foods. You know you're fifty when you think to yourself "what did i come into this room for?". Hugs Stalky

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    14 years ago

    You don't have to be 50 for that Stalky. Now where am I?

    reply

Tags

View all

sex

swingers

couples

advice

swinging

fun

women

relationships

redhotpie

travel

Boards

Forum help

Get the RedHotPie app
appStore googlePlay

Contact Us

®2001 - 2026 Digital Quarter Pty Ltd - All Rights Reserved The word RedHotPie and the RedHotPie logo style are trademarks of Digital Quarter Pty Ltd.

X