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RHP

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You can get laid without being a jerk (yep, also looooong)

January 14 2014

sex

A letter by Emily Heist Moss - with a little bit of wisdom for all of us :) A letter to my brother, and all his college friends,College is awesome, right? No parents, no curfew, no rules, and there are girls everywhere. It is an alcohol-fueled, school-spirit-enhanced buffet of ladies, and it’s hard not to want to sample everything on the menu. So you should! Seriously, I’m not going to rain on what could potentially be a literal parade, so just be safe and have fun.You’re waiting for the “but,” because I’m your nagging big sister and that’s what I do. Here it is: Be safe, have fun, but don’t be a manipulative, coercive asshole about it. There’s story after story about on-campus sexual assaults, astoundingly high rates of date-rape, and even more terrifying estimates of unreported incidents. I’m not worried you’ll be that guy, but there are still dozens of tempting and legal ways to be a douche when you’re trying to get some action. Forgoing these “techniques” requires recalibrating your hook-up goals to emphasize consent, respect, and yes, pleasure, instead of “scoring.”◊♦◊There are strategies to get laid that are violent and criminal, and there are methodologies that are just mean-spirited and misogynistic. You can find the drunkest girl in the bar and hand her another shot. You can physically back a girl into a corner at a party until the only way out is through you. You can cut a girl down to size with backhanded “compliments,” belittle her until she thinks the only way to feel good again is to win your attention. You can taunt her with insults about prudishness, until she thinks she needs to prove something. You can taunt her with insults about sluttiness, until she thinks she might as well confirm what you already think of her. You already know that these dick moves are beneath you.There are milder forms of deception and coercion, though, tactics that are dangerous because of their efficacy and subtlety. These are the ones to which I want to draw your attention. You can lie about your feelings for her. You can promise things you can’t deliver. You can agree to commitments you know you’ll break. You can hear hesitation or uncertainty in her voice, and ignore it. You can play with her emotions, knowing full well that if you were honest about your lack of intentions, you’d lose your shot at a hook-up. You can know that if she were sober, she wouldn’t be doing this, and you can go for it anyway. A court might not convict you, but I hope you know that these are dick moves, too.The pronouns in this essay thus far would suggest that I think only men can be coercive when it comes to sex, and we all know that’s patently untrue. We know male rape is a real issue, and that the stigma against victims can be excruciating. We know that women can lie and scheme their way into sex just as well as men. We know that insults to masculinity, epithets like “pussy,” or accusations of homosexuality can compel guys to do things they don’t want to do, just to prove a point. The toolbox may look different, but we know that girls can wield emotional manipulation and social coercion with expert dexterity.All these strategies work more often than we’d like. I hope someday we can better teach teenagers (and adults) to call bullshit when they see it and to let the insults roll of their backs instead of eat at their self-esteem. But in the meantime, the fact that those manipulative moves might work doesn’t mean you should use them. These are tools for weak people, people for whom sex is a contest and winning matters. Sex can, and should, be fun. It can be playful, it can be casual, but it isn’t a game. Whether enacted by men or women, these bullshit strategies are not sexy, they are not cool, and—quaint as it may be—they are not very nice. There’s nothing wrong with a little push-pull, a little back-and-forth banter with a prospective partner, but assigning a winner and a loser to a sexual encounter sets us all back a couple decades.You should never feel like you’ve been convinced to have sex, and you should never feel like you’re doing the convincing. You want partners—one-night-stands or long-term relationships—who want to have sex with you as much as you want to have sex with them. The culturally established “no means no” is too low a bar. Only yes means yes. And I’m not talking about an “I guess we could…” or an “I don’t really care….” or an “Only if you really want to….” or a “Might as well…” I’m talking about an enthusiastic, excited, sustained “Yes!” Are those “yesses” less frequent than the non-committal, hesitant “not-nos?” Yeah, they are, but it’s worth it to know that the people you’re fooling around with really want to fool around with you, too.Alcohol clouds everyone’s decision-making abilities, but it doesn’t make us deaf. Even at frat row, bar crawls, or crowded house parties, you need to listen for that “Yes!” And you need to be saying it too! If you’re a “Yes!” and your partner is a “Yes!”, then I revert to my original advice: be safe, have fun. Consent is not a traditionally sexy concept, but I absolutely guarantee you that two enthusiastic, excited, sustained “yesses” is what it’s all about.Love,Your big sister,Emily

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Comments

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Wow what a great read and an top sister :))

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Ctrl + c - Ctrl + v If so make it interesting, or at least thought provoking. Oh sorry this is RHP land isn't it. Earth to nuff nuff

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Thanks for sharing that.

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    They should post that up in campuses. Thanks for that one CR

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    we should have and discuss this in all highschools

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Liked the read. Interesting letter. Am I the only one reading this who thinks women do the same thing as what is described in this letter? Only difference being it is socially acceptable to paint the image that men are the ones born to use and manipulate their way into bed. I think it's funny how such contrasting social attitudes towards sexes within this particular topic exist, when from what I see on a weekly basis - girls can act much worse.

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  • On_Safari

    On_Safari

    12 years ago

    Do you mind if I borrow it....cut down and customised to address/educate the random douche here? Warmest regards ~ Indy

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  • Languid

    Languid

    12 years ago

    I remember back at uni I was at a party and there was a very intoxicated young lass who had passed out on the couch. One of the guys decided to take advantage and started kissing and groping her. Some of us were wondering whether we should intervene or at least keep an eye on things when she woke up and threw up. In his face haha. Now that is karma. All kinds of good reasons not to take advantage of other people haha.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    I should write the "for her" version lol ;-) - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Read carefully. From memory the author makes mention that women are also known to behave poorly when it comes to casual sex on campus. My recollection might be wrong ... - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    It's not mine :) You can googl the author to find the source if you want more info. But aside from that, I say share it far and wide, if you think it will help men and women treat each other with more respect. Good luck!! - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Feel free. It's not a competition. The fact that women sometimes behave badly doesn't diminish the fact that men also do. Anything that educates and inspires people to do better is a good thing. Though we both know your post was more about point scoring than helping humanity ... - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • madotara69

    madotara69

    12 years ago

    Don't like the label Emily has given bullshit "too", bullshit has an honest and artful way of telling stories too as well. Just to clear that up. Mado Mado Tara xx

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    As a law student studying Criminal Law, nearly every important sexual assault case report you read is about consent, lack thereof or worse and more distressingly and worryingly, complete failure to understand what actual consent is. And it's on multiple levels - not just the accused failing to understand but often, more depressingly, the judges and the juries they instruct on which facts they must make a decision. Who can forget the infamous South Australian judge in 1993 who said no can mean yes? In my family I was taught from a tender age in the clearest terms never to hit girls and to treat women and indeed humans all with respect. I have often read the awful, terrible court cases and realised these perpetrators have not had the benefit of such an important example as was shown me by family. There ought to be more big sisters around like Ms Heist.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    No doubt that was a good read. No doubt, as the author states, it goes both ways. Lets not forget how easily the male brain can be manipulted. Could even be much easier for a female to be the aggressor bearing that in mind. Twas a good read all said. - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    You seem to have a bit if a cranky spotlight upon me today ;-)..... I actually agree with the author you quoted... but you'd know that from my opinions. I was merely stating that it would be funny to turn the topic around. Now..... smile, it feels god :-) - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    The words fuck off come to mind. But instead I'll simply say, feel free to post interesting, thought-provoking topics that meet the expectations of every forum reader. The more the merrier! - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    It's not unique to today. I have my views, I don't hide them. If I agree with something you say, I say so. If I don't agree, I say so. It's about 20/80 so far I reckon. And in the end it's not the slightest bit important what I think, as it shouldn't be :) - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    If you haven't learnt this by the time you leave high school, you probably never will. Respect for others is learnt at an early age.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    I've had many a conversation with 30+ year old friends, male and female, about bigotry, prejudice, racism and intolerance. Good, hearty conversations can make a big difference to peoples' perspectives. I've seen people have life-changing realisations based on something that's been said to them; realisations that have completely changed how they behave towards and treat others. Don't underestimate the impact of healthy dialogue and debate. - Posted from rhpmobile

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