F61
Would you confess to an Affair ?
June 27 2012
Comments
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Paradisepair
14 years ago
And here we are. Worked really well for us. I imagine though without the quantum leap we took and with actual ongoing sexual encounters the trust would be impossible to repair.
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RHP User
14 years ago
if it ever got to the point (and it wont) where i thought i'd like to spend time alone with another woman, or even another guy or couple for that matter, I'd fess up and tell my wife. not a problem, we have this open line of communication between us already, based on trust and honesty, and to walk away from that , and the relationship we have, is something i couldn't do. we've been friends for something like 37 years, and will be for many many more yet.
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RHP User
14 years ago
During my first marriage my wife and I weren't getting along and I went through a period of playing up that lasted around six months. After that, I came to my senses and behaved for the next ten years. The other women didn't fill the hole I felt in my life so I stopped. The marriage still was not good but there were the two boys to consider so I towed the line. Many years later, she was accusing me of having an affair with a lady friend of ours. I assured her that I wasn't and wouldn't as an affair wouldn't make me feel any better. She pressed the matter. She wanted to know how I knew I wouldn't enjoy an affair so I confessed to my behaviour from a decade before. She left me.
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RHP User
14 years ago
I wouldn't confess because i couldnt do it !! It is against the very core of my nature to be dishonest . I am brutally truthful, and blindly loyal. We both love sex and swinging ( for want of a better word!) but basic respect for the human I married would stop me from ever humiliating him with an affair, emotional or physical! 22 years married and our marriage is a constant work in progress - we both believe if the day comes where we bore each orher , we would leave rather than destroy each other with lies. In the end , I'd rather fall in and out of love with one person , than with continuous people throughout my life . Year of the dog and all .....................
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RHP User
14 years ago
I was in a completely non-physical (yes, read that correctly - absolutely no intimacy what-so-ever) marriage for 2 years of a marriage that lasted only about twice that long. It was NOT my choice. I love sex, I love intimacy, soI have no issues there! I even remember the exactly last night there was any intimacy between us - and that was initiated by me. I "gave" and received nothing.Two years to the very day after that last encounter I told him the "marriage was over".As much as I craved a man's touch - in the end for nothing more than to feel like a woman, I did even consider going outside the marriage (I use that word loosely...)But let me say that the very weekend after I booted his ass out I made up for lost time..Jiggy baow-wow NB: And yes, clearly there was more than just one thing going on, but it would have been extremely easy to just find intimacy elsewhere and keep the babysitter...I commend all the above couples for their relationships! Severe lack of openness and honesty is why I'm now single.
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RHP User
14 years ago
For sharing some beautiful, very honest and extremely personal experiences. Your a awesome bunch !!! :)
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RHP User
14 years ago
I'd completely ignore Dr Stephens opinion. He is looking at this from a perstective completly alien to us mortals. His answers are not based on the information we would consider perrenant and he will be ignoring some information we do. His study is generalised (applicable to all) my relationship is not, it is very specific and so are all yours.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Can't imagine I'd ever cheat on someone, but if I did, I don't agree with telling someone to ease your conscience, so I'd try and live with the burden.Hypocritically, if I was cheated on I think I'd want to know.It's all hypothetical at this stage, thankfully.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'neptune_drift'It's all hypothetical at this stage, thankfully. Or it's not and I've been blissfully ignorant!
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Smilingwithfun
14 years ago
Observation-If you have an affair you are not happy, so if you spill the beans & the relationship ends, do you become happy or stay unhappy. My envy to some of the above couples for the communication,trust & understanding they have achieved in their relationship. Seems are far better way than an affair. Better ways to end a relationship than an affair.
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RHP User
14 years ago
then go ahead and confess - but what is confessing really an attempt to accomplish?if the other person has no idea, then you're not adding anything positive to the relationship. IMO in this sort of thing, "what you don't know doesn't hurt you".
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RHP User
14 years ago
I was married,I was unhappy,he was unhappy,I had an affair,he was never there,I said nothing and then I left. He met the love of his life six months later and has been happily married to her for over twenty years. I have been happily single. There is nothing lonlier than being in a marriage with no intimacy.I have no idea if my ex husband had an affair too,because he wouldn't even speak about the problems we were having,he just physically and emotionally left,years before I packed my bags. It took me years to stop feeling guilty until one day I realised, that the person who withdraws love and intimacy from their partner is also at fault.x Hugs H
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Lifes_great
14 years ago
So insightful as always. I agree, we all have our 50% of responsibility in our relationships. I don't think telling a partner about an affair if the relationship is over is always best. It might make you feel better at the time but most certainly you are going to cause the other party a great deal of pain. I think the good doctor is right...you can't predict how things will move forward. If it's over then why rub salt into the wounds? However if both are working towards creating a new and better relationship then both parties should have all the facts so they can make their own informed decision. Everything is a stepping stone on lifes journey! Lifes great
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'Hesione' There is nothing lonlier than being in a marriage with no intimacy.
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RHP User
14 years ago
It never happened until you say it did
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RHP User
14 years ago
my previous relationship was completely sex free for the last 4 years. not once was i tempted to stray, not once did i see that becoming embroiled in a lie could ever be a healthy option for me. my then partner had gone from being an incredibly fit athlete, to a shell of her former self, through repeated cancer surgeries, DVT episodes, and Krohns disease. she turned from me in the end, and sought solace in drugs and gambling, and eventually forced me to a decision, that to go was how i saved my own sanity and my own health...i'd lost job, home and friends by this stage, due to her behaviour. i dont like what happened, as it was out of my control, but it taught me a few things, the foremost being the need to always be available, to talk and discuss everything, and to never never keep the truth from my partner, so we work on our relationship daily, and spend time every day filling each other in, about work, about kids, news and to discuss any issues left unclosed. Shels the same...shes the product of a savagely abusive relationship, and wont hear anything less than 100% truth and would walk, rather than live a lie, or with secrets. she wears her conscience on her sleeve, and i know with a look, if theres anything on her mind.... so yea, if there was even 'temptation', i'd be telling her, as soon as and as honestly and openly as i could..........the idea that what she dont know wont hurt her, is a fairly selfish one...as what its saying is 'if i dont tell her, i wont be called an asshole' i'd be an asshole if i didnt share, and i'd be an asshole for not being completely honest with her, with my family, and with my kids...after all, the relationship isnt just about the 2 of us....it directly affects our 5 children, their partners, and their children as well.....and it impacts on the happiness of our now elderly parents.....
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RHP User
14 years ago
affairs...is an orgasm that important...NOThat is how simple it is.HugsLeesa
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Hanna_ybbn
14 years ago
Often there is more to the story than meets the eye.I met my husband in 1998. We lived together for many years - first time ever living with a man for me.Intimacy was always a struggle with him, but I kept at it - for the sake of our relationship and the fact that I loved him dearly and could not bare the thought of having an affair.We were married in 2005. We didn't consummate our wedding night and there was no intimacy at all for the following 3 and a half years.My self esteem and confidence went out the window.I tried and tried to get help, to make it work. You cannot do that on your own though :(I was so so very lonely and alone by this stage. I was depressed and had grown anxious. I hated myself.I was overweight and had NO confidence whatsoever.I grew resentment toward my husband - even though I still loved the man dearly!!It was torture.In 2008, he began working overseas and we had time apart for the first time in our lives together.I started to put an effort into myself. For the first time in so very very long.I went from 132kg to 79kg in a 12 month period. Hard work and determination to get healthy pushed me.I visited my husband overseas for a week. It was the 1st time he'd seen me in a few months and he was shocked at the change - both physically and emotionally.We made love for the first time in 4 years.It was terrible.He felt like a complete and utter stranger to me.I had fallen out of love with my husband but still loved and adored him :(I knew I had to leave.The hardest decision I ever made was to pack my little Barina to the hilt and drive almost 200km to Melbourne to begin fresh.We never discussed divorce and over the years, we maintained our friendship. He remained my best friend even though the 1st 12 months after I left were very hard for both of us.By this stage, my husband had changed a bit too and actually finally rang me in tears to apologise for being so cruel for so many years. That what he had put me through was unforgivable and he totally understood why I left.He admitted he was lazy and had been so stupid.I had moved on, and he knew this.From 2008/9 to early 2012, we continued our separate lives.Then in January and February this year - my entire world came crashing down when I left my partner and then very shortly after, my mother passed away very suddenly.Who did I turn to without hesitation?My husband.We now live together in our 'marriage' home.We do not share a bedroom are we do not share intimacy other than a cuddle and the odd kiss here and there.We have made the decision to give our marriage another go but that intimacy for now, is off the cards.I will NEVER go back to how we were before.So I made a decision.I am having an affair. Yes.This is with someone I was involved with immediately after leaving my husband and someone who I actually fell very much in love with.Our circumstances prevented us from being together at the time.I also knew I needed time alone and I left this man to move to Melbourne.It turns out I broke his heart. I had no idea.It broke my heart too, but I had to leave. I just had no idea he felt that way.Fast forward to today.We are both now back with our ex partners and in exactly the same situation.We want to stay in our marriages for various reasons - none of which are up for public discussion! - but we love each other deeply and have a massive respect for the others life.Mutual understanding and respect.I do not see my lover at all when my husband is in the state.It means our time together is very special and I love every minute I do get to be with him.We make each other feel valued, sensual and alive.Yes, I am being unfaithful for I am sleeping with another man.It's a choice I made with very careful consideration.Would I ever tell my husband?NO. Simple.Hope nobody's offended by my candor.Hanna xx
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RHP User
14 years ago
There will be many other contributors tell you that affairs are wrong full stop. They've never been where you are. They've probably always been in a stable relationship and have never experienced the turmoil of the conflicting emotions that have plagued you. You only live once. You have a right to pursue your own happiness.
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RHP User
14 years ago
...spent the night with him, went home in the morning, and told me ex husband. I was honest and straight up, and we lasted another 6 years before separating.Lucky I was honest from the get go, because a month later I was pregnant, and he'd had the snip.
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Hanna_ybbn
14 years ago
Jensman, thanks for your response; I sincerely appreciated what you wrote.Hanna x
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RHP User
14 years ago
The point of the OP was should you be honest to ease your own conscience when the truth will do harm? That being the case, honesty is selfish. Here's yet another quote from the incomparible George Carlin. "Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."
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RHP User
14 years ago
if the truth does harm, its best out and in the open.......otherwise its just a festering sore, bound to poison your relationship in some way....it just takes time....honesty is the 'only' policy.
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Letsgetcrazy09
14 years ago
Hanna Your honesty and candor on this topic would have taken a lot of courage. For those that disagree with you I hope they can agree to disagree with your choice. I hope you have found what you were looking for. Hugs Lets XO
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RHP User
14 years ago
It was the last of a series. I had kicked my then husband out of the house once already, after two years of counseling, and was harangued into taking him back by my mother. I had tried everything to make the marriage work and he just wasn't prepared to do anything. Literally. He never worked, I put him though Uni and he never used his degree, he had a trade and wouldn't use that either. But I have not, and will not, admit the affair to him. That is the one thing that I had in our marriage that was mine and only mine. I could have told him, and he might have left, but I didn't want him to have an out. I didn't want him to be able to tell his family that the breakdown of our marriage was my infidelity. I wanted him to take ownership of his faults and accept the responsibility that was his. As I had accepted the responsibility for my stuff. On the up side, my marriage to Mr J is infinitely stronger because of the counseling I had previous to the relationship. I believe there is always a reason for infidelity. And, other than in situations where illness or accident are the cause, both parties are equally at fault. I can't imagine a time when I would want to go behind his back when he is happy for me to shag whomever I want if he can watch... So I would never have to tell him. I tell him when I feel like having someone new to shag and we settle in here and have a look to see who we can get. But we don't judge. We are just as happy to take on a married and sneaking guy as one in an open relationship or a single one.
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RHP User
14 years ago
There is no right or wrong answer to this question despite some blinkered individuals who seem to think they have some sort of moral high ground and refuse to accept that sometimes for some people an affair is the right choice.I am guessing that many a man or woman has had an affair as the relationship they were in was not providing what they needed despite exploring and exhausting every avenue to make things work. I am also guessing that many of these affairs faded out and they spent the rest of their lives with their wives or husbands, grew old together and never revealed their secret.If they had not had the affair they may have walked out of their marriages in utter despair also if they had revealed their secret their marriage would have most likely imploded.An affair in some cases works as a pressure valve to a situation waiting to explode, do not be so quick to think that an affair is never ever acceptable - it is not unreasonable to think many a secret affair could have saved marriages that might not have otherwise made it.Don't be so quick to think your opinion is the only right one, had you lived another persons life you may well have a completely different perspective on the subject.
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Hanna_ybbn
14 years ago
I totally respect that you feel and live your life that way Mike and I guess that's the fundamental difference between you and I CheersHanna xx
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RHP User
14 years ago
Subjective,sometimes we lie by omission,sometimes we lie because to be totally honest would cause a great deal of pain to the other.Telling what we perceive as truth may be a weapon with which to crush the other. Each situation is different,and we need to consider what will cause the least amount of harm,not to ourselves but the other. Just my opinion.x Hugs H
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Hanna_ybbn
14 years ago
It's one I share with you Hanna x
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RHP User
14 years ago
I was in a marriage where my ex left emotionally 3-4yrs before we split. She had an affair that I found out about and I was devastated. However I had started looking on the net to fufill what I believed was a lack of intimacy quite a while before I found out.The reality is we should have both been honest with what we felt and what we wanted and we may have both gone down different roads.I dont think fessing up after the event is the answer, the reality is good communication up front would overcome most Hurdles.
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RHP User
14 years ago
thing you can do for yourself when someone betrays you,is to forgive them....this has been my experience ,not just my opinion.When we let the hurt and pain continue, by remembering and thinking about it, we give that person continuing power and control over our lives and our happiness. It is true,that the best revenge is to be happy and not give that other person a single thought again.x Hugs H
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RHP User
14 years ago
Is a screwup with the opposite sex, I'd gladly admit it.
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RHP User
14 years ago
I dont understand why anybody would stick with someone who doesnt give them what they want. Whats the point of staying in a dud relationship? Honesty is over rated. Especially when used as some stupid badge of honour. Why reveal the truth and hurt someone just to show how honest you are. You need to be honest with yourself first Hanna and ask yourself why arent you with someone that will love you the way you want to be loved? Dont you think you deserve better? Your choice I guess but its not what I would choose for me.
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WHY_NOT_LOOK
14 years ago
This is why i love you 2 Del couple .... not going to tell my life story but everyone has the right to know about something so important in there lives.... Dont lie to me so you dont hurt my feeling be honest so that those feelings can be dealt with... i have dealt with them now and i see what was wrong and right... but he was so wrong not to tell me in the first place made it 10 times harder to get over the whole mess... Ive wasted years in unhappy realionships because of not talking like adults and dealing with issues straight up.... I have always been a faithful partner and i expected the same and still do Quoting 'DeliciousCplBris'I wouldn't confess because i couldnt do it !! It is against the very core of my nature to be dishonest . I am brutally truthful, and blindly loyal. We both love sex and swinging ( for want of a better word!) but basic respect for the human I married would stop me from ever humiliating him with an affair, emotional or physical! 22 years married and our marriage is a constant work in progress - we both believe if the day comes where we bore each orher , we would leave rather than destroy each other with lies. In the end , I'd rather fall in and out of love with one person , than with continuous people throughout my life . Year of the dog and all .....................
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Hanna_ybbn
14 years ago
Mike - each time you begin your rebuttal with 'LOL' you lose a little more of my respect.Think about it.Perhaps whilst you're thinking about that, you might like to consider who else is so fortunate in this world to have a perfect existence like you!RegardsHanna
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RHP User
14 years ago
My first husband was abusive. I had an afair. He found out and it was rough. But I don't think I owed him any explanations.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Hi there, Well it was only 6 months ago that I confessed up to having an affair. It was the most difficult thing to do. I have been with my wife for 20 odds years, love her very much although I have been doing the dirty all my life since the early teens years. she deserved to know the truth.At first is wasn't looking good but once I started to open up and explain my situation it has turned out to be a godsend. I was introduced to sex as a 13yr old by my neighbour who was 10 years my senior, virtually becoming a sex slave I developed an addiction to sex, having to have to have it multiple times daily.My first pay packet as a 15yr old was spent entirely on working girls this continued week in week out. I was married at 21 and continued to live a double life for the next 20 years until finally growing some balls. I booked myself in for the phsyc, was diagnosed as a sex addict "no shit Sherlock" not wanting to just let things lay idle I attended some sex addiction classes similar to AA and purchased every book on the subject that I could find. Anyways working through these books and exercises together the Wife now has a informed opinion of what most of the world see as having a sick mind and now knows sex is not about love for me, it is purely sex. Taking that onboard and putting things in perspective we are now living and loving life to the full extent. I no longer feel like a cheating dog, thanks to the Doc I now understand why I couldn't keep it in my pants even though I was married to the love of my life and was risking growing old with her.Most important though is she now understands sex is sex for me and has absolutely no bearing on my love for her.
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Hanna_ybbn
14 years ago
MadameZentaiWhat's the point?For everyone - it's different I guess.Um, I did leave my husband - for 4 years.In that 4 years, I was treated the worst I have ever been treated by supposed 'loving partners who offered everything a girl could want and more' Pulease!I have returned to my husband - my best friend. We live very well together and love each other dearly. We take care of each other.My lover is someone I've known for 4 years - had a very intense few months with when we were BOTH separated - and now find ourselves in a mutually agreeable point in our lives.My husband is also 65 years old.Not old. Not at all.He is, however, very old fashioned. I love him for it. Would not want or expect him to change.We are not at all sexually compatible. I beat myself up over that fact for many years before I realised it would never be any different.At least now - I know what to expect from my marriage so made a very conscious decision to seek that which it was lacking - elsewhere. To put it bluntly.However, I am very emotionally attached to my lover. The irony being; I could no sooner cheat on him than fly to the moon Hanna xx
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RHP User
14 years ago
now i've been name called...and an attempt has been made to humiliate me. that i opened up, and admitted to seeing a professional, is no reason to be called a 'head case' , so thanks for that JENSMAN, it just highlights the fact that ypou have no understanding, no compassion and no idea of how to conduct yourself. bullying someone over a disagreement shows a lack of maturity and a lack of common decency. FYI the tools you are given, when seeking marriage counselling, and even further support from a psychiatrist or psychologist, include sessions of 'honesty'. you are invited, as a couple to write down all those things that trouble you, and all those things you are keeping from your partner...these lists are then, in many cases , dissected and discussed....without fear of reprisal or repercussion. its an opportunity to divulge and share, and hopefully reconcile yourself to each others differences and gain an insight into what drives each of you......... my first wife and i were together from prior to finishing high school.... and after 16 years together, we agreed that we'd grown apart as we grew up, and we felt it was unlikely that our relationship would or could develop any further...there was no fighting, no arguments or recriminations and we maintained a civil and understanding relationship....and still do. our separation and subsequent divorce was just something we shared...ffs we did coffee before our divorce was final, and drinks together once our decree absolut had been issued. we still remain friends...pretty good for a fucking head case dont you think? i count this as a successful relationship that began and ended...as they sometimes do..we still chat, we still share 2 beautiful children, and shes still one of the most important people to have been in my life. except shes my ex, and theres absolutely no romantic or sexual overtones to our friendship. jensman...people choose to cheat, or not., in the same way that they choose to lie....or not. I chose not to, out of respect for myself, my wife, and for my children. i grew up the son of an unfaithful womanising father, and an unforgiving mother. I can still hear their arguments...him drunk and in denial, unwilling to admit his infidelities, and telling more and more lies, just to cover his ass..........yet he left when i was 10. growing up this way taught us all some very valuable lessons...like for instance, how very important it is to be honest with your partner. trust is based on honesty, and the knowledge that your partner always conducts themself in a way that would never hurt you, is of prime importance....thats how i operate....... with no hidden agendas, no concealed truths and no lies about what i am doing, where i am, or who i'm with. if shel wants to know something...even if her ass looks big (it never does) or if i really want to go shopping with her, or what i want to watch on tv.....i tell her the truth....and the truth is, that in almost every instance, i'm willing to be flexible, as i see her needs as very important...if shes happy...so am i. why would you put yourself, or your 'needs' before your partners and then cover your ass with lies for 10 years? that makes so little sense to me that its incredible. all it says is that you have no respect for others, which is also obviously still the case, as people just dont change very much once they are adults...they just learn better ways to hide the truth of themselves. Jensman, if i'm a 'headcase' for being honest enough with myself to seek the help of a professional, then i pity your family and friends, as you really have no idea...I hope they never stumble and fall, and look for support in the way i did... perhaps if the shoe had been on the other foot...had you been the faithful, in love, and trusting partner, who found that his wife had been having an affair, and had kept it secret for 10 years....your point of view would be very very different..actually no....i know it would be...you'd have gone through all the emotions, the hurt, the rage and then maybe even the mourning of love lost...and you'd be of a very different mind set...and youd be wracked by guilt, with questions and with doubts..... maybe even to the point where you thought you needed extra help from a professional, in the form of counselling, or therapy, or whatever... would that make you a 'head case'? no...i guess not, as you'd protest that and be as fucked off by being labelled in this way, as i am. making fun of someones darkest days isnt the sport of understanding adults at all, thats what bullies do. you know, you're right, i'm nothing like you....and i'm very very pleased for that.... i have no idea of what its like to cheat, to stray, to be an adulterer, to sleep with someone on the sly, or what it feels like to fuck someone one day, and sleep with my wife that night, i dont know what it feels like to kiss my woman goodbye, before sneaking off to the arms of another...to tell my kids how much i love them, while i betray this with my actions elsewhere...i have no idea of how it feels to tell a lie for 10 years, over and over, and how to conceal or ignore the guilt i must surely be experiencing for doing so...i have no idea of how it must feel to present myself as a loving caring and understanding husband, father or friend, while knowing that everything i do is a lie, a fabrication....no idea at all....and i love that i dont.
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