F65
Will I ever...
July 22 2012
Comments
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RHP User
13 years ago
Hi Aly, so sorry to hear about your and your husbands situation.Some might accuse you of selfishness but when someone is dying it's often the ones left behind that are overlooked.I can't give you any advice. I have not experienced this myself (thankfully) but will offer you support, at least in thought.MrTri
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MasterBilly
13 years ago
hi sorry for your circumstances but the faked is live will never be the same before and after, i know you love him but you need to life on now and after more imported now or there will be not match left of you its very hart to give a good answer in an open forum like this on but if you need to talk on day send a call to my e-mail best i can say her hold your head up and don't feel guilty
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RHP User
13 years ago
Oh my goodness Aly I can only offer my limited insights as someone who lost a parent to suicide when young.It will be hard and you willneed support from friends and family to come through this. Talking honestly to your partner about your feelings will give you both a way to get through this testing and emotionally fraught time. Don't forget there will be good times as well as bad. Take comfort and sometimes joy in the time you have together. Don't blame.... Take time for yourself to recharge, if it is going to be as long as 5 years there are going to be times when you are going to be running on empty. If you have kids its going to be .... All the best Mike
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RHP User
13 years ago
Is the opposite of death. You are going through hell, so its natural you want comfort and to feel alive. You will be overcome with guilt sometimes if you act on your desires. Be very careful as your vulnerable and guys will use that as a way to get you in bed. There is nothing anyone can say to really help you with this, except go get professional help to deal with grief. Now and after your partner is gone. There is an organisation called SOLAS plus other kinds of support groups for what you are going through. Seek the support and answers there. We are all arm chair advisors here , though I am sure there are plenty of qualified people who are on RHP its better to get advice off-line, for something so important. But I do know of one woman on here who has been through what your going through and I am sure she will post to your thread and I hope it helps. You can always meet women of this site that you can develop a support network with , I have made some great female friends that I meet off-line Your a lovely women, your alive and your in a difficult situation and your not selfish to want something for yourself.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Agree 100% Cheers Felonius
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RHP User
13 years ago
Red has it pretty much right and most diseases have support groups that provide semi professional help and support networks. If you know what disease it it is look up the local support and they will give you the numbers of grief cousellors. Mike
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RHP User
13 years ago
of yourself ,and your emotional and physical needs.Maybe why this is such a dilemma for you is ,because you are married, the conventional view would be that you should remain faithful to your husband. What does your husband expect of you?How close is your relationship?I am guessing that the reason you are here, is because there is no longer any intimacy between you and that is what you are craving. If you make a decision to find a person to satisfy your sexual needs be very sure that is what you want to do.If you don't, then guilt will definitely get in the way.If you are seeking more from another relationship than sex, then that will bring it's own complications,waiting for someone's partner to die is not a choice most people would choose to make and you will become torn by competing needs,the new lover and your comittment to your husband. I believe that there are many different permutations of relationships,you need to work out what is going to suit you and your wants and needs. Perhaps for now, surround yourself with loving friends,people who know and understand what you are going through. Find an excellent counsellor,if you haven't already,someone you can trust and who is not judgemental. I hope you find your path Ally,and in spite of all the grief and pain,may you experience passion and joy again. x Hugs H
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RHP User
13 years ago
No words of advice but I feel for you in what must be such conflicting emotions to be living with. As Mrs Tri so eloquently put it in her reply my thoughts are with you.x
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RHP User
13 years ago
My mother lost my father to cancer when she was around your age! Did her life go on? You betcha it did! She was dating within a year of his death (which is huge for an Italian) and finally met the love of her life through advertising in the paper for a date lol. She wasn't going to meet him when the time came as she had met some creeps and I am so glad that I talked her into it as she had 14 wonderful years with my Step Father and they were married for 12! Unfortunately my Step Father had Motor Neurone and therefore he left us in August last year from suicide as he could not bear to put my mother through the pain of watching him waste away and to have to care for him 24/7! While my mother may not date again (she is now in her 70's) life has gone on. She has just got back from a great trip to Europe and has now come back refreshed and is finally putting the house on the market! . Are you being selfish? Hell no! I remember my father on his death bed so many years ago say to my mother "I want you to not cry and to go out and find a man and be happy"...This is how most people that are passing feel. They don't want you to stop your life at all. Life is for living....enjoy it! . There is a girl that I know who is going through what you are going through at the moment and with his blessings she attends parties and has sex with other men and women! At first she felt guilty but she saw the happiness that it brings him when she is enjoying herself! She loves him to death and has the best marriage and husband that I have ever known of! I am sure your husband would want you to be happy and out there doing things that you enjoy..whether they be travelling or socially or sexually! Guilt is a hard emotion...the opposite of Love is Fear and Guilt! Hugs and Thoughts...xFunlovingx
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RHP User
13 years ago
But of course the friggin internet crashed didn't it ?.... gggrrrrr So I will just quote my good friend Hesione Perhaps for now, surround yourself with loving friends,people who know and understand what you are going through and Hesione is rite (as she is wise) ..... As you know OP, we know each other offline.........and we are both very aware of each others stories and Im very aware of all that you are currently enduring. ....as you know I lost my husband in 2001 and Im still here...I survived..its just different.... I wont write all that I did previously - obviously Im not meant to post it and Im not going to say anything new that I havent already said to you.. ......so I will write this I love you Aly My job as your friend is to be here for you..when you are ready ............and only when you are ready...you know my number...and you know I will be there !!! :) And btw you owe me a homecook meal !!! xxxxx
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RHP User
13 years ago
Is a confidante. One person that you can rant and rave and verbally vomit the whole confused mess at. Preferably a counsellor/therapist, as they have the training to listen constructively as well as provide helpful advice when it is there to give. My advice: do not bottle things up. The stress and tension that you will put yourself through are not meant for us mere mortals to bear, tis the place of saints and demigods, personally, I am neither. I admire your dedication to your husband "in sickness and in health" , tis not seen as often these days as it once was, just make sure you keep the same commitment to yourself, too. Love not one at the cost of the other. *hugs*
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RHP User
13 years ago
Sorry for you 100% living had life
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RHP User
13 years ago
I lost my wife 2 1/2 years ago to cancer. Life does go on, just let it come to you and don't rush into anything. You have plenty of time.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Aly,Was so sad to hear your news and my heart goes out to you. Having been through some though times this year, the one piece of advice I could offer, is that its helped me a lot to talk to a professional and trusted friends. Completely agree with Vagabonde that bottling it up does not help in the long run.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'triunity' Hi Aly, so sorry to hear about your and your husbands situation.Some might accuse you of selfishness but when someone is dying it's often the ones left behind that are overlooked.I can't give you any advice. I have not experienced this myself (thankfully) but will offer you support, at least in thought.MrTri Same as Mr Tri and Saturn65.No advice but can offer support, at least in thought.
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RHP User
13 years ago
im so sorry to see what your going thru hunny ,,,,,i tottally understand how you feel hunny n my heart gos out to you ,,,,,i suffered some personal tragedies myself last year ,,,,,i take my hat off to you darling ,,,and your going to have to be strong ,,its something that never gos away hun ,,,we just learn to live with it ,,,dont think to much about the future to much hun ,,,make every day together ,,like its your last ,,and just live n love whilst youv still got each other hun ,,,,,,,,your such a beutiful lady and hen the time comes n your ready to move on ,,someone ne will gladly have you darling ,,i would ,,,,im not far from you hun ,,,anytime you need an ear or some help ,,,,,please contact me thru here ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,xxxxxxxxxx and stay strong ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,catherine ,,,,,
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RHP User
13 years ago
Not quite the same, but I watched my elderly mum deteriorate over the last 10 years. We lost her earlier this month...For my sister and myself this did take its toll, so I identify with what you are saying. It is hard knowing there is not much you can do.. but I never gave up trying to treat my mum like everything was OK .. Im nursing a heavy heart but I know this pain will not be there forever.. Dont punish yourself for something you have no control over or what might be.. Jay
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RHP User
13 years ago
Nothing else to say but big hugs to you xxxSassyme
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'xFunlovingx' My mother lost my father to cancer when she was around your age! Did her life go on? You betcha it did! She was dating within a year of his death (which is huge for an Italian) and finally met the love of her life through advertising in the paper for a date lol. She wasn't going to meet him when the time came as she had met some creeps and I am so glad that I talked her into it as she had 14 wonderful years with my Step Father and they were married for 12! Unfortunately my Step Father had Motor Neurone and therefore he left us in August last year from suicide as he could not bear to put my mother through the pain of watching him waste away and to have to care for him 24/7! While my mother may not date again (she is now in her 70's) life has gone on. She has just got back from a great trip to Europe and has now come back refreshed and is finally putting the house on the market! . Are you being selfish? Hell no! I remember my father on his death bed so many years ago say to my mother "I want you to not cry and to go out and find a man and be happy"...This is how most people that are passing feel. They don't want you to stop your life at all. Life is for living....enjoy it! . There is a girl that I know who is going through what you are going through at the moment and with his blessings she attends parties and has sex with other men and women! At first she felt guilty but she saw the happiness that it brings him when she is enjoying herself! She loves him to death and has the best marriage and husband that I have ever known of! I am sure your husband would want you to be happy and out there doing things that you enjoy..whether they be travelling or socially or sexually! Guilt is a hard emotion...the opposite of Love is Fear and Guilt! Hugs and Thoughts...xFunlovingx Oh Funlovin x .. this is what my husband has..MND. I can't tell you the pain of seeing a capable and proud man being reduced to a baby like status. He has voiced thoughts of ending it already as he loses more and more. It's heartbreaking... I feel like such a coward...one half of me wants to run away whilst the other, stays stoic and prepared to see it out to the bitter end. Thank you so much to those who have spoken...It's hardly the place I know for such a discussion - but I am writing from such a dark and terrifying place, that thoughts of propriety are far from my mind. Although they are only 'words on a page' .. hearing from others 'helps'.. I don't know...just to feel not quite so alone. Velvet .. you are a beautiful woman and once we are back in town, yes.. I will be in contact and dinner is a done deal - I know you understand this 'situation'.. only too well.
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RHP User
13 years ago
you have been in my thoughts frequently and you know I am an ear.... didn't hear back from you last time... so thought you will make contact when you want to talk again.... You can have all the advice in the world... but you will do in the end what you think is right... Just know your family and friends are there... and the true ones will be beyond... you will know who will be still standing take care xxxx
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RHP User
13 years ago
what you are feeling is quite natural. We endure these flight or fight feelings when faced with turmoil, so allow yourself the room for both. Dont punish yourself for having perfectly normal emotions. Accept it as part of life no matter had unsettling it is. Big hug for ya. Jay
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platinumblonde69
13 years ago
You are a strong and gorgeous woman who oozes sex appeal and hopefully that will continue to shine as you go through this hard times....I guess Ive always been a believer that we are all here for a short time...so make it a good time...None of us really know when our numbers are up and at the end of the day we ALL need to be happy....Follow your heart...it will tell you what is right for YOU....not for others...but for YOU...that is really important...I think most of us have been through experiences that have made us question life...One can only imagine BOTH your pain...he loves you...and will always love you...and you him..but this is a Chapter in your life....and there are plenty more chapters to evolve....but make sure YOU ARE HAPPY....Thinking of you and miss our chats....stay strong...and stay gorgeous...xoxooxPlat
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'platinumblonde69'You are a strong and gorgeous woman who oozes sex appeal and hopefully that will continue to shine as you go through this hard times....I guess Ive always been a believer that we are all here for a short time...so make it a good time...None of us really know when our numbers are up and at the end of the day we ALL need to be happy....Follow your heart...it will tell you what is right for YOU....not for others...but for YOU...that is really important...I think most of us have been through experiences that have made us question life...One can only imagine BOTH your pain...he loves you...and will always love you...and you him..but this is a Chapter in your life....and there are plenty more chapters to evolve....but make sure YOU ARE HAPPY.... Thinking of you and miss our chats....stay strong...and stay gorgeous...xoxoox Plat Thank you Plats.. I think the hard thing at the moment, is I feel so lost. I don't really know what I want or what will make me feel somewhat comforted. I don't suppose there is any real answer other than endurance and trying to maintain that semblence of your essential self. Newbs x thank you too. I have had so much going on..I really didn't know where we were in terms of communique. I am a bit like the rabbit caught in the glare of the headlights of an oncoming car. Blinded by external circumstances and stumbling without vision or focus. Writing this was no slight on those who have already been so kind....just an outward expression of so much angst.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'CourtesanAly' Quoting 'xFunlovingx' My mother lost my father to cancer when she was around your age! Did her life go on? You betcha it did! She was dating within a year of his death (which is huge for an Italian) and finally met the love of her life through advertising in the paper for a date lol. She wasn't going to meet him when the time came as she had met some creeps and I am so glad that I talked her into it as she had 14 wonderful years with my Step Father and they were married for 12! Unfortunately my Step Father had Motor Neurone and therefore he left us in August last year from suicide as he could not bear to put my mother through the pain of watching him waste away and to have to care for him 24/7! While my mother may not date again (she is now in her 70's) life has gone on. She has just got back from a great trip to Europe and has now come back refreshed and is finally putting the house on the market! . Are you being selfish? Hell no! I remember my father on his death bed so many years ago say to my mother "I want you to not cry and to go out and find a man and be happy"...This is how most people that are passing feel. They don't want you to stop your life at all. Life is for living....enjoy it! . There is a girl that I know who is going through what you are going through at the moment and with his blessings she attends parties and has sex with other men and women! At first she felt guilty but she saw the happiness that it brings him when she is enjoying herself! She loves him to death and has the best marriage and husband that I have ever known of! I am sure your husband would want you to be happy and out there doing things that you enjoy..whether they be travelling or socially or sexually! Guilt is a hard emotion...the opposite of Love is Fear and Guilt! Hugs and Thoughts...xFunlovingx Oh Funlovin x .. this is what my husband has..MND. I can't tell you the pain of seeing a capable and proud man being reduced to a baby like status. He has voiced thoughts of ending it already as he loses more and more. It's heartbreaking... I feel like such a coward...one half of me wants to run away whilst the other, stays stoic and prepared to see it out to the bitter end. Thank you so much to those who have spoken...It's hardly the place I know for such a discussion - but I am writing from such a dark and terrifying place, that thoughts of propriety are far from my mind. Although they are only 'words on a page' .. hearing from others 'helps'.. I don't know...just to feel not quite so alone. Velvet .. you are a beautiful woman and once we are back in town, yes.. I will be in contact and dinner is a done deal - I know you understand this 'situation'.. only too well. Hugs to you Aly hun...I know EXACTLY what you are going through. MND is a horrible horrible disease and unfortunately there is no cure! They had a programme on television (Can of Worms) that spoke of Euthenasia and the topic of MND came up that I had taped but not watched until about a month after my step father passed over. They said that around 95% of people with MND do end their lives...either by their own hand before it is too late or not be able to do anything for themselves or they go to Switzerland (by memory) to be Euthanised legally! We were very angry at first when my step father did what he did, but, after watching that programme it made it clearer to us why he did it and we didn't feel so alone in the world! I know this might come out wrong in text, but I am glad he is talking to you about his emotions....that he is so open with you about how he is truly feeling! Feel blessed with the time that you have together and if he does decide to end it...then he is doing what is best for him and not being selfish at all! I can't stress that enough hun! I wish you well hun, and if you need to chat...message me or meet me in the chatroom some time. Once again, big hugs! xox Hugs...xFunlovingx
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Jay_Me'what you are feeling is quite natural. We endure these flight or fight feelings when faced with turmoil, so allow yourself the room for both. Dont punish yourself for having perfectly normal emotions. Accept it as part of life no matter had unsettling it is. Big hug for ya. Jay I think Jay....hugs can never be over estimated enough... especially at times like this.. and thank you, very sound advice.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Hi Aly, I generally read the forums and laugh at the feedback....However this one strikes a chord with me...my Father had MN and I ran and hid in other places as it was easier to watch from afar....as the one thing I wanted to do was remember him as the man I knew not the man he had become....it is honestly my biggest regret in life, and inevitably when the end come...standing up and delivering a eulogy was an outpouring of emotion that was laced with guilt.I did it the easy way whilst my Mum had been there all the time. How does anyone deal with seeing the person they love diminish before their eyes...we are all different so how we deal with illness and inevitably loss is the same....different. Seek solace and counsel from those closest to you, however your life continues to go on and their advice should be tempered with the next stage of your life as you see it...greif should be a memory rather than all-consuming. Steve
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RHP User
13 years ago
So sorry to hear what yourself and yopur husband are going through. The fact is you have no choice but to be strong. For yourself and your husband. It is only natural you have these thoughts going through your head atm, imagine how hubby is feeling too. Theres no easy fix to this type of thing and the only thing we can do is take day by day. BY what I have seen of your posts in here Aly, you are a strong and resourceful woman and i wish I could give you a hug and tell you that all will be ok.. But it wont be for now. Stop worrying about what if.... and concentrate on getting through these trying times. One day at a time.. One step at a time. Thats all we can do and sometime down the track.... there will be a small light at the end of the tunnel.. thats when you will know you will be ok. Hugs to hubby too. Chin up babe xxxxxx
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RHP User
13 years ago
No one can really help you here. We all have to live in our own heads. The things we do to cope and manage our lives at times like this are all individual. My husband was a type 1 diabetic and I watched him slowly die for years by not looking after himself the way he should have. I turned away because I couldn't handle it at the time. I eventually went back to him and he died a year later very suddenly, probably a heart attack, but will never know for sure. I only know that he loved me dearly, and forgave me for leaving. I still miss him after 12 years.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Well I cannot say anything that is not already said.Remember there are so many who support you and wish you well. I repeat what others have said on here and my observation of friends who have been where you are going. You will no doubt know about MND support networks so all I could add for you dear is to encourage you to just hang in there and know that this all will pass.Many contributors here have given great advice - we are all with you in this, and I'm sure that the assistance and help from those who surround you will be the key to helping you into the future.Hang in there Aly - just reread some of the comments on here to know you are not alone and wisdom is in their words. And may the universe stand by your husband too in his journey through this terrible time for you both. Love to you Aly
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RHP User
13 years ago
Aly, I am so so sorry for the pain you must be going through. I know i watched my Grandmother look after my Grandfather right to the end. I myself, i believe do not have the strength to take care of some one in this position, because of what i saw my Grandmother go through. However, when things need to be done, I am the type of person who can step up to the plate and do it, but I don't know why I am capable. I do not believe you are being selfish at all. Everybody has feelings in this world and they need to be acknowledged. Maybe, talk to a professional first and tell them how you are feeling? I don't really know the answer. I don't think there is an answer. I believe that everything happens for a reason. We may not even like that reason. I have met many beautiful souls on this earth and they have already passed on. And I still wonder, "why them". But I then look at people who maybe don't have it as good as we do and i feel blessed to still be here. I am a big kid really. I believe in having fun always and i think i actually learnt this from my Grandmother. She is currently going through a tough patch. Her body is slowly shutting down, but at 88 years of age, she is still in high spirits.Maybe, just maybe, this could bring you and your husband closer than ever before. But one thing i know is that, you will truly never lose him, because he will always be in your heart and your memories, and I'm sure he will always be watching over you. From the sounds of it, your husband needs you right now, but you also need to look after yourself. You are a wonderful person Aly. And i know this from meeting you. I don't know if i can help in anyway, but if i could/can i am always willing to.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Aly, I have expereinced MND and there is no sugar coating this disease. They say that these experiences only get dealt to those who can handle it, not so sure about that. All I can add is that I know you to be a couragoeus and vibacious person. You will be tested no doubt, and you will both want to give in. Trust in yourselves and you will know what to do. Don't try and create things, wait for the right time and moment in every decision you make. Life is sweet but it is always too short. Don't waste a minute. So, if you need to be selfish just manage it well and be true to yourself.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Hi Aly Like so many before, I feel for you Your happiness is mared by the pain and sadness you must be going thru I have encountered first hand family friends and even a siblings wife passing with an incurable disease It is soul destroying for the special person, with a debilitating illness preventing them from doing the things they (and us) all take for granted, to have that taken from you one day at a time I really feel for you My sibling (myself included) gets a tear in his eye when something so raw becomes so fresh, like walking into a shop and hearing one of her favourite songs - makes a grown man stop in his track I am sure you are surrounded with beautiful friends and great family Don't over estimate the power of friendship It will be a hard time but with a great support network you will cope with the pain and loss I wish I could give you more words of wisdom but it is a journey only you can travel, talk to your husband while you still can, get his approval for things you think you might want to do in life (travel, sell the family home etc), these things are important as you won't feel you are cheating him although we are online friends per say, there are many people here who you will be able yo talk with and share you pain and give you strength A BIG HUGGGGGGG an positivity being sent your way Keep smiling, your husband I am sure lobes to see it when you are by his side It's those little things in life that mean so much 8-)
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RHP User
13 years ago
Hi Aly How is your journey going I hope everything is well With Xmas just around the corner it becomes a time of mixed emotions both happy and sad You know you have the thought and support of many here Take care X
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