F110
Why I loathe the notion of self improvement and self help books.
September 28 2014
Comments
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Yes we come to this world fresh, unspoiled and untrained, and we are a happy being, this being that wants to feel love, happiness, and hunger and poop a lot and wants to learn a lot. Then the world around us tells us what we can and can’t do. The naughty behaviour we have, the you are too loud, you are asking to many questions, you are too big, too tall, to skinny, too much hair, not enough and on and on it goes with negatives. As a female you have to behave and don’t show too much that you are a wild beast under this entire lovely fluffy exterior. Only sometimes when you grow up it comes to the surface and then you get punished for it. And punished you got severely....and then you are quite again for a while until it bursts out of you again and the circle continues until you learned, but the fire is still inside, just this tine flame, this scared flame. And so life goes by and the years are numbered now. And then suddenly out of the blue, you see some little light you hear your inner wild being and it gets louder and louder and then it screams at you. And you can’t stop it anymore you just have to let it out. And the fire inside you gets bigger and bigger and burns a whole n all this stuff you learned over the years and your eyes are opening and you can’t shut them anymore. Then and only then you feel freedom and shout FREE at last, where have you been hiding you lovely untamed spirit I thought I lost you. And you feel this love this unimaginable love for yourself.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Bottom line, and well-proven by neuroscientific study, our thoughts or beliefs create our emotions and our actions. There is a known sequence - something happens to us or around us, then we think or believe something about what happened, and then out thought/belief leads to our feelings and actions. If we have destructive thoughts there's a fair chance we'll have destructive feelings and do destructive things to ourselves and maybe to others. And destruction can be subtle but it still holds us back - putting emotional walls up, ridiculing others, eating badly and being really unhealthy, being super needy and clingy, and so much more. Self-improvement is therefore fundamentally NOT about what others think of us. It's about what WE think of us, the world and other people. All genuine self-improvement seeks to adjust and improve our OWN thinking and beliefs so that we love and accept ourselves (and everyone else) in spite of the judgments of others. If human beings didn't seek to reflect, grow, consciously learn from experiences, and improve ourselves in these ways, I think it would be a sad, sad world. Just an opinion :) - Posted from rhpmobile
-
RHP User
11 years ago
I don't we are born perfect, then become less so as we get older. I believe every day that we are willing to learn things, are open to new experiences and are willing to re-evaluate our beliefs about what is "the" truth, we become better people. I do however agree that self-help books can do more harm than good. I've known people who after reading all the books still couldn't "fix" the problems they thought they had, which made them believe they were even more beyond help than they initially thought.Though I'm not bagging all of them, some books out there I view as potentially very dangerous.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
I have a good friend who is dying of cancer. That's her reality Earlier in the peace she refused to attend any support groups of her particular disease. She attended once and found that (in her words) that she was being sucked into avoid of no hope, and despair despite this group being a support group . She thought it was beneficial for others but it was not for her. Her cancer, her way. She refuses to be a victim of this disease and has rebelled through and through on every level, pissing off many in the process, but hey she's still alive and living life the way she wishes to without hurting others And she's doing beautifully with her thought processes and rejects all advice on how she should be behaving . You go girl :-) I guess what I'm saying is that if we allowed ourselves to, we buy into it all. We accept labels that suit us and reject those that hurt or confront us, but hang on, shouldn't the only "labels" that we should consider are the ones that we hang on ourselves ?. If someone tell us we are too fat for instance, true they may be stating a fact and their motivation could be that they love us and want us to take better care of ourselves but if your happy being fat, or skinny or brunette, or narcissistic, or ambitious or whatever word you wish to substitute in here, why do we automatically assume that these labels are "bad" ? Is it because the labels we put on others confronts something within ourselves ? Why do we do this to ourselves and more so, why do we do it to others ? I know myself well. Too well. I have flaws and I fuck up. I make mistakes and I try to learn from them. Its called living. I don't need a book to tell me how to do it better, or the socially accepted way. Like my friend, I will choose my rules and goals, set my own standards, break my own morals and ethics if I wish. And yes I may hurt people on the way. I hope I don't intentionally but again that is life. Why should I live as life based on someone else perception of what is the right way and wrong way ? or society's expectations and social acceptance ?. Of course I will live my life, within the laws of the land, but anything else, is really my business The only real dumb thing is when you keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. Thanks Einstein The only quest I believe that we should ever venture on is the one that Shakespeare wrote about: Above all, to thine own self be true Really good post OP
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Of course everyone can learn change and grow....but many people feel they are just not good enough,feel that they don't live up to other's expectstions...we repress who we actually are to conform xxQ
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Disagree, kids are often looking for approval from their parents and push the boundaries of their disapproval. I don't like the self help industry though. I think they prey on the lost and easily manipulated. I prefer to prey on the difficult to manipulate. More of a challenge.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Innocence is blissed - Posted from rhpmobile
-
RHP User
11 years ago
I think we are born and then enculturated... It depends on the changes in society and the places we live/are born into as to how this effects us... I agree with story that it is then up to us to learn about ourselves and decide what enculturation works and what we need to be free of to fully develop. On self help I read feel the fear and do it anyway when I was trying to get away from my first husband and seriously without that book to reassure me I could do what I was doing I don't think I could have achieved what I did. A lot of those books don't do it for me- but I think there is a place for them and they give a lot of people hope. Xxviolet
-
RHP User
11 years ago
The Bible could be viewed as a self help book........ let the chaos and debate ensue! :D - Posted from rhpmobile
-
RHP User
11 years ago
and there it is in a nutshell "Then the world around us tells us what we can and can’t do. The naughty behaviour we have, the you are too loud, you are asking to many questions, you are too big, too tall, to skinny, too much hair, not enough and on and on it goes with negatives."
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Everyone these days has an opinion from politics ,love etc But some are not worth a grain of salt,we all have to have a self worth to survive in life! Never really been bothered on other bad opinions,unless it's from someone I truly admire ,trust,etc! We are all human and make mistakes,we are not robots after all! Life would be boring without ,the ups and downs ,lol xxx
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'cutie4u77' The Bible could be viewed as a self help book........ let the chaos and debate ensue! :D Exactly my point then!
-
RHP User
11 years ago
There's a pretty big difference between self-improvement, and the self-help industry. It's a bit like the difference between a marriage (generally intended to be a life-long journey of growth) and a wedding (a short-term event that just gets things started). I believe there is an infinite number of paths to peace, contentment, love and joy. If some people find their path via 'self-help', then good for them. I don't believe in gurus, but I do know people who've been helped immensely in their own growth through time with mentors and small time/big time gurus. I've read many powerful books that have helped me make sense of traumatic and challenging things. I consider that to be self-improvement and I'm incredibly grateful to the authors of those books. Many of us ARE broken. Not intrinsically, but through learned thinking and behaviours. Of course many people need help to work through and change those things, whether they get the help from meditation, courses, books, counseling, talking with friends or simply peroabal reflection, what does it matter? It seems obnoxious to me to reject a pathway to peace just because it's not a pathway you would choose or because there are some people who create false pathways to take advantage of others. It's not that much different than rejecting everyone from a particular religion because a small few use their religion to prey on others with fear and violence. I don't care how you find peace or achieve your health and happiness goals, as long as you don't hurt others along the way. So go ahead, improve thyself ;) - Posted from rhpmobile
-
RHP User
11 years ago
The problem with most things, including self help programs, is that they are generalised and don't take in to count the individual. I know smokers that lived, well, into their nineties and we've all heard of fit people having heart attacks in their thirties or forties. Genetically, we are all different and presuming that this technique worked for me so it will work for everybody is arrogant and manipulative if you try to make money off it. Bloody hell, what's happened to me this weekend. I'm getting all preachy and stuff.
-
madotara69
11 years ago
Well often, I just can't help myself, (bad habits) I am sure there is plenty of books that are offered to be purchased just to tell me what I already know. The question is....... What makes them so bloody special by saying "I told you so"? So what if I have a problem with authority. Mado Mado Tara xx
-
RHP User
11 years ago
..if anything, I think it's something that everyone should aspire too and most could use.But self-help books? Probably unfairly, I'm a bit contemptuous of then. The notion that generic advice onhow to conduct my life at the most personal of levels should come in a mass produced form doesn't really sit well with me. Like most, I think, I don't like being told or advised how to live my life. I'm a big believer that true self improvementcomes first from the realisation that one would benefit from it, then acting on that realisation to actualise it, probably over time. It aint' going to happen all by itself. But, that's where all the books and the net come in handy.A lot of intelligent people have done a lot of research for a long time to try to understand why we behave the ways we do.It seems wise to take advantage of this database of social information and take what I want from it, if and when I need it. When my ex and I broke up last year I felt lost for answers for a while, wandering where I had gone wrong. Why I wasat fault, that sort of thing. As usual, friends and family all had their opinions and advice, often biased.Doing a bit of research and reading, it was soothing to discover the breakdown of my former relationship describedvirtually word for word and stage by stage in the accepted research of professionals! Praise the lord, my situation wasn't unique! Despite it feeling that way at the time. ; ) I've gotten a bit off the track of published self improvement, but the point I'm trying to make is that there'sthis ocean of information out there that others have already done the groundwork on. Why not take from itwhat I want, when I need it, rather than flounder about in the shallows. Incidentally, my ex and I are still good friends…as it should always be…and I felt much better for understanding whythings went the way they did without blaming myself..or her..for the result.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Not everyone lives a life of not being true to themselves.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Time for you Q to live life. The story you tell at the end of life should be one of no regrets. That is my philosophy. When I lay down and know that my time has come it shall not be about all the great authors I have read and how their meaning of life had an impact on me, but shall I say, it is the poeple around me and how I have impacted on their lives. Mine is a book in the making. My life is not defined by what others think of me or how I have to conform to what others want. I dont read books much anymore, at least in the sence of finding who I am. I do read. But that is more to do with are we really out there, Strange concept isnt it :)
-
RHP User
11 years ago
That concept you espouse I find ridiculous. As if we live in, and create our own horror. I was raised in an orphanage. I am a witness for the royal commission into child serial abuse. So please don't shove that, you are what you feel, blah blah blah. Someone needs to strangle the doctor Phil, and all the other women's weekly arm chair self help books. The gee,look what I found on the net. My degree is social anthropology, and working with people with criminal behavior. I just do not go for that simplistic approach to human behavior.lytonia,beautiful post. Q good question as always, you should rename your self. HighIQ
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Change that to sexual. Much of what happens to us, and our reactions rely on many things. Culture, your environment, family dynamics.your basic human needs, and mental health, and physical and cognitive capacity, to name but a few. We all have changed by something as simple as writing a forum post. How we are judged, how we react adds to our development. The cyber village is shaping us all. Young and old.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Let's be very clear. It's not MY concept. It's neuroscience. You can do your own research into it. I did mine with PhD qualified psychologists, behavioral therapists and ... you guessed it ... neuroscientists. But Google works too. It just so happens that understanding how our brains and emotions work (the neuroscience bit) can dramatically help how we cope with the world, including traumas and hardship, as well as how we treat ourselves and others and how we view things (the self-improvement bit). Unless of course your real disgruntlement is not about the event > thought > action sequence I described (and the inferred unlimited opportunity we all have to CHOOSE how we deal with life) but is about my overall view that it IS valuable to strive to improve one's self, regardless of the path? If so, I'm happy to agree to disagree on that point :) - Posted from rhpmobile
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Someone told me once that all advice should be listened to. The challenge is knowing which advice to follow. We have read a fair few books that would be classed as self help. Some helped me but meant nothing to mrs Madmanx, some helped her but did little for me. Seeking information, advice and/pushing for introspection is always a good thing. Just take the time to understand what suits yourself and take a little advice from each source. It's no different from investments. We have a dozen different books in our shelf that all articulate one persons "how too" in relation to investments and future planning. Not one have we followed. But I can tell you that we have taken a small tid bit from each book to add to the path we chose. Better yet, just like many "self help" books; there was the occasional piece of advice that was consistent in every one of them. This small piece of advice is the one you take seriously because it may just be true.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Ok.. let's say... I live a life of violence and crime.. hatred, bigotry and thieving..Drugs and chemical abuse...One day.. I "Feel" wrong.. someone bumps into me in an inner-cafe and says.. "Man.. have this book.. I don't need it anymore" and gives me "The magic of thinking big"I decide NOT to bash him into a pulp.. take his book and walk away..That night, I read it.. RIGHT through!! ALREADY.. I am a different person, and I CANNOT go back to what I was 6 hours ago.. EVER... Sure, the "Change had started a week or two before hand.. but.. the BIG change came when I started to read, and over the 6 hours I read the book.That book puts me on a quest to learn.. to LIVE.. to change.. then, I start to understand one thread that runs though every auto biography I have every sucessful person I have read.. it is simple... "In 5 years time, you will be exactly the same you are today, EXCEPT for TWO things.. WHA T you read, and WHO you associate with"ANYONE want to tell me "Self help" books are shit?*shrugs* Shame you cannot ask those who are safe now BECAUSE of that book But.. still as Thomas Aquinas stated “To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.”OR.. Quoted by Cavey..."To one who has been there, no explanation is necessary - To one who hasn't been there, No explanation is POSSIBLE
-
Smilingwithfun
11 years ago
If only Dr Phil contributed to the forums.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Dance to the beat of my own drum, sometimes it fast, sometimes it's slow, depends on my mood but no one dictates the beat
-
RHP User
11 years ago
I read has so something in it I need to hear....that's just the story of books. There is a word a sentence a whol chapter just there for you, and you think wow how clear is this one now yes its right. Books walk my way and as Cavey said sometimes a book can make us think in a direction we would not have believed otherwise. Yes self help books are a big market,so what, but this will not stop me from reading this kind of books, I could say reading some books who have been mentioned on here have made me see the world again in a different colour so to speak. Is it"s bad to hear someones thoughts on some subject, because thats all what it is, the autors thought and his/her experience, that's all. I read all three books of Conversation with God, and I swear to you there was a massive amount written about Hitler, I couldn't believe it, yes it sounded like what the fuck is he talking about Hitlers so much I don't want to hear it, it still makes me uneasy even I am not born in this time just because I am a German......the friend who gave me this books couldn't even remember it was in it. So we really only hear, see, understand the words which are sounding important to us. And that's what we take out of each book, doesn't matter what kind of book it is. Some people never read, help understanding comes from listening and communication to them, but only when they are ready, the same as us who read.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
I just do not get into the bible bashers. The ones that read a snippet then are the all knowing. Every book has merit. Even if it's crap, if it makes us think or challenge the idea. I read a fair bit. A wide range of stuff but just can't put a self help book in my hand and stand up on the psycho babble pulpit foaming at the mouth, a Say I have seen the light. And yes burning light. Cbt. Is part of some parole conditions, elasticity of the brain etc. I would think you Phd? Is in that must me nice to work in that field. It's good your educating us. Alas my studies and work though extensive where a little while ago, so your qualifications are perhaps higher and more recent and i asume you work in that field. Cavey is right in that it changed his mind about his path. Fair enough.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
I would read your book. I never met a person with so much courage and self awareness. Who is true to themselves. You don't need a book to read but you sure as shit could write one. I got a thing the other day from palative care nurse. The five things people regret on the death bed.1. They wished they lived the life they wanted and not what others expected of them.2.that they had not worked so hard.3 the courage to express their feelings.4 stayed in touch with friends.5 let themselves be happier. I think regrets should be as little as possible at the end. I have regrets now about my wasted time speaking my truths on here. I should have not exposed myself so much. We should just show part of who we are. You make a bigger target if you open up. I think q may have a point, as being your true self can be a dangerous thing. It's a protective thing as we grow out of that childhood. Bliss your a guttsy gal.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
I put up this post I did not expect many people to agree with everything that the author says..Sol Mateo is his name btw and he is twenty-five...it resonated with me because I think many of us feel inadequate,less than perfect and search for someone to tell us how we should be....and then there are the expectations that people have of us in the different roles that we have in life....sometimes we just loose sight of the authentic us....if we think we need to improve then we are already there xxQ
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Is generally a lack of discernment by those seeking the help or personal growth. People lose trust in themselves and instead of taking in new information then deciding what works for them and what doesn't, they blindly follow the path of a guru or leader or other dominant character. These sharks can't take advantage of people if people don't remember to check in with themselves and trust their instincts. As someone else posted, I also walk to the beat of my own drum. The beat just happens to evolve a lot as I read new things, have new conversations and, most importantly of all, reflect on myself and my life. The world makes me very sad sometimes. It seems everyone is out to cut others down, undermine their choices, argue about what's right/wrong, good/bad. Everyone seems attached to THEIR ideals and to habitually imposing them on others. Slamming self-improvement might crush someone who's desperately seeking the kind of lightbulb experience Cavey described. It would be a delightful world if we just believed in and encouraged each other. I make it a practice to affirm people's choices rather than challenge them. If I want to question them I use words like 'what if' and 'what do you think about' and 'I'm curious' because they tend to open up discussion rather than shut it down. I've consciously trained myself to tell people 'of course you can do it' or 'absolutely, if that's where your heart's leading you, why not give it a go' etc. In a world where we're conditioned to compete, be negative and shoot down people's hopes, I've had to work quite hard to overcome that. I like to help people build trust in themselves and it now comes very naturally for me to do this. I agree that the self-help industry has rogues in it. But the value in helping one's self or another to be be more at peace is a separate issue altogether. I reckon worry less about the rogues and more about your own contribution to your growth and the growth of others :) Cavey, magical post, thanks for sharing. - Posted from rhpmobile
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Will never have any effect on free will. - Posted from rhpmobile
Boards
-
Hot Topics
Topics: 15123 Comments: 88159
-
Girls Ask
Topics: 1417 Comments: 10229
-
Guys Ask
Topics: 2521 Comments: 11677
-
Couples' Corner
Topics: 2506 Comments: 9759
-
Swingers Lifestyle
Topics: 1009 Comments: 5265
-
Fetish & Fantasy
Topics: 1303 Comments: 5776
-
Hot Travel
Topics: 782 Comments: 1988
-
LGBT
Topics: 170 Comments: 867
Forum help
-
Something related with that
-
Going somewhere & want to hook up?
-
Hasn't that topic been posted before?
RHP's popular dating tool
-
Where the heck did that topic go?
Discover what RHP is doing offline
-
RHP member's RL secrets
reply
like
Share