M63

Who are we to judge?

February 23 2014

There is a lady who has been an online friend of Jennylee's for sometime now. They encountered each other on facebook as they had many friends in common. We were invited to meet with this lady and her husband for a very pleasant afternoon. They were both congenial and engaging. We left believing we had made some new friends. We liked them both and offered to host the next get together at our own home.A little while later, the tone of the lady's messages to Jennylee began to change. What seemed to be a strong and happy relationship, to us, was actually in turmoil. The lady took off to get some time to herself and clear her head. After a few days, she returned home but things were worse so she took off again.Jennylee, being Jennylee, invited her to rest her heels in our spare room. She stayed a couple of nights as our guest and poured her heart out.Now I'm not about to judge the entire situation based on what we were told in that time. I'm well aware that, in every situation of domestic turmoil, there are three stories, his, hers and the truth (anyone seen "Rashomon"?) Apart from her other complaints, the two most telling things she said was that she was no longer in love with him and that she was unhappy.I know that if we spoke to the husband, he would paint a completely different picture of the situation to us which would show him as the victim and not the villain. I'm not going to debate the validity of either person's view as, to my mind, it's irrelevant. If one person is unhappy in the relationship, the relationship has failed.Too many people feel that, if they still wish to save the relationship, the other person is obligated to stay and work on it. In effect, they are making the other person responsible for their own happiness while disregarding the happiness of the other. Maybe he is happy with her and doesn't understand (or maybe doesn't care) what her problem is but she is unhappy. By calling the relationship quits, they both have an equal opportunity of finding happiness elsewhere.I'm not trying to promote divorce. Every relationship deserves an effort from the individuals to survive as a couple. As far as I can tell, this relationship has received that but it hasn't worked. It's sad when a marriage fails, especially where children are involved but no one should be forced to live in a loveless relationship.Opinions, counter-points and suggestions are invited.

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RHP User

12 years ago

"to judge" great song and sums up what your saying. People do stay for the children's sake, or a myriad of other reasons, well fool them. Restless, sleepless nights, a thing of the past for those who are pro active. It's great to empathise with people, short and sweet is if it's to be it's up to them. If they are aware of the options they can make their own decisions. In a relationship, regardless if married or otherwise, if your not happy move on, easy.

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RHP User

12 years ago

@Jensman, you just described my story almost to a tee. There are always 3 sides to every story, but only 2 people in the actual marriage. And yet other people still feel they have the right to advise against separation, divorce etc. When a marriage or any kind of partnership becomes loveless or without meaning it is time to move on, IMO. It can be one of the hardest decisions to make, so more power to her for taking the initial step. My only advice to other people in a similar situation is yes, it can be lonely, hard (financially and physically) emotionally it can be a bitch and put you on a total roller coaster, but once the dust settles and you find your inner peace it can end up being the best decision of your life. Don't be scared of the unknown.

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MissBishere

12 years ago

For me and my kids was to get out. It was an unhappy environment and I will never understand why people feel the need to stay for the kids. I watched my kids come to life after we had separated and the greatest gift I could have given them was a happy healthy mum and a loving calm and joyful environment. There are always different sides to any story, I think for our friends all we can ever do is be there as a shoulder to cry on and lean on and to help them pick up the pieces when we have to. I don't judge or advise just offer support. And as L4Q said it can be hard emotionally, physically and financially, but in my experience well worth all those struggles. - Posted from rhpmobile

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sweetgem

12 years ago

Stay out of any situations or problems that are not mine, or mine to worry, or relevant to me by any means! I do not know for sure the truth behind the scene, and I find it hard to judge which side of story told that is true! So to avoid having myself burned, or making me a fool, I choose to stay out of it all and I don't care if I get labelled unhelpful or cold hearted! Sometimes we try to help from a sincere point of view, but because we do not know the real truth and got blinded by the real devil, our help brings out a terrible effect to the real suffering victim! - Posted from rhpmobile

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sweetgem

12 years ago

For people who are suffering emotionally and physically, please be strong and do not scare of the unknown, because we live in Australia where helps are actually everywhere and available to anyone that needs help! I was a victim of my previous life (former marriage), I did struggle between the fights of setting myself free or stick to it for family reputation and many other vital reasons. But I figured at the end that nothing was more important than my OWN mental health and inner happiness! So, I took out my chainsaw (not literally lol) and chopped the bridge down, so my ex could not cross over and harm me again! Although I did not have kids in my case, I made the right choice and am now happy and free as a bird :-) I have a good connection with the broad community service providers, so if anyone needs any help, they are welcome to PM me on here and am more than happy to refer them to a helpful organisation. Good luck to those in need of help and be strong, strong and brave! - Posted from rhpmobile

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RHP User

12 years ago

Quoting 'sweetgem' Stay out of any situations or problems that are not mine, or mine to worry, or relevant to me by any means! BULLSEYE

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MsSuperFoxy

12 years ago

Be careful you and Jennylee don't fall into the trap of "Rescuing" someone. Sometimes this happens, and couples take side because all they hear about is one persons side. To be honest getting involved may or may not - bite you both on the bum. As Sweet Gem quoted "I figured at the end that nothing was more important than my OWN mental health and inner happiness!" I had to put myself first before anyone else when I left my marriage. And as L4Q quoted "My only advice to other people in a similar situation is yes, it can be lonely, hard (financially and physically) emotionally it can be a bitch and put you on a total roller coaster, but once the dust settles and you find your inner peace it can end up being the best decision of your life. Don't be scared of the unknown" I AGREE!! I thought I was happy when I left my marriage, but now I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life! I put myself first before anyone and ake sure I maintain that happiness and inner peace, as this brings out the best in me. Bring it on, I say....... :))) Liberated Foxy

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RHP User

12 years ago

to everything everyone said.Yes its hard, and lonely......but then I felt just as lonely during those last years of marriage...........and at least now when the loneliness overwhelms me I can cry myself to sleep without worrying about being heard!!

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RHP User

12 years ago

That was kinda' half my point, not taking sides. Still, as Missb72 says, "I don't judge or advise just offer support".

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Lovinit28andKC72

12 years ago

After years in an unhappy, sometimes extremely violent marriage, I was only to happy to leave. My ex was a well received member of our very small community, (to everybody we had the "perfect marriage", but at home it was another story and I knew no one was going to believe me and they didn't, not even the local policeman) I would never have been strong enough if it weren't for my best friends help and understanding. It was a struggle for me to leave (I wasn't allowed to take my 3 kids into town all at once, I knew I would need someone with me when I went home to tell him I was leaving) and I had to plan it over many months. I left with nothing, he got our home, our cars, all them materialistic things in our house, I got the kids (but he tried he hardest to get them too) and quite frankly that was all I wanted....I was so tired by the time I found the courage to leave, I just wanted out. It was because of my kids that I left, I woke up one morning and said to myself, is this what you want for my sons "growing up thinking this is how you treat a woman" or for my daughter to "think it was ok to be treated like this".... Happiness comes from within and no one can make you happy, only you and until you have your own happiness sorted, there is no point in trying to make someone else happy......

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RHP User

12 years ago

I know I've heard your story before but it still touches me :) You're one if the bravest women I know Much love to you Xxx - Posted from rhpmobile

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RHP User

12 years ago

I staid for 12 bad yrs of a 30yr LTR for my son, he was 161/2 when I threw his mother out, she no longer had the time nor inclination to maintain our relationship, I became a supply machine. The professionals now tell me that it was the worst thing I could have done for him & I. 2yrs on & we go to court soon for the last bit of my life to be drained out of me, my son is 18 in march, our relationship has been as low as snake's arse, but is on the rise. I have been deserted by all our old friends & have cut ties with family, as most don't seem concerned that the house that was 80% mine will now be sold. If she won Tatts tomorrow, I wouldn't go back to that life. This new life is hard @ 51, but there is some light at the end of the tunnel.

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madotara69

12 years ago

Abuse, and associates, then lets say it is some friends. "Loveless" is a big call for any who have truly been in love. If one of our friends came, (and they have), to us for some company for some worries, then we would take them both under our wing, try to ditch as much of the stress first and have whoever it is on their own, assured they are not. No taking sides, but unless our friends could put a finger on the actual reason why the love had been lost, taken, whatever, then we would not give up on those friends, sometimes someone just can't find the words to things. Sometimes you have to go inside with someone in trouble, find it and often it is strongly guarded and avoided with a lot of junk stacked around it, right when your friend tells you they hate you, then it's over, they let it go, let it be what it is, let it free, know the answer and accept it. So it depends on what that answer is, usually nothing to do with either the couple, someone being punished for something they have not done, something before them seems to be a common thing. So it really depends on each and every situation, as it's own, no two problems ever the same, can't give a broad reference to it as a rule of thumb what anyone would be thinking, but it sure is nice to see that flood of emotions that comes with letting something long kept go, a euphoria it is. Nothing so simple if love is in trouble, then love is a little loosely used, true love is worth fighting for, and if a friend comes for help to it, then we shall go looking for it, one way or another it will have the answer only it can make a decision to, and then our friends have something to the differences and a peaceful understanding at least. We have some friends that did not walk away, but got rid of a bad spirits torment. jensman, I guess it boils down to a clear cut reason, and Jenny Lee may just have something calling out to her. And for this, one needs to throw logic and sub conscience aside it just gets in the way and confuses the fuck out of everything. If there is love love, not calling you love,he he. Convenience sort of lovey dove love, maybe better dealt with at the accountants office. Add abuse and all that jazz after all that, help them settle their differences by support to the victim with their confidence to make any decisions and don't let them down. If that makes any sense. Mado Mado Tara xx

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RHP User

12 years ago

With any luck, the lovely lass in question is reading these responses, as she has become a member, and they are helpful to her.I know her partner has done some things recently that cross the line (to my knowledge, nothing violent) but he still loves her and is acting in desperation. I wish them both well and hope they each find happiness whether it be together or apart.

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