F56
When the sex isn't compatible
August 12 2017
Comments
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Tall74nHard9
8 years ago
Do you 'automatically' presume that the sex isn't going to be great ? Is it because of previous experiences, or is it just a general fear / state of mind ?Why lump us men into all the same category - ie no man understands a womens wants / needs ? Granted there will always be some who don't get the bigger picture, or are too self absorbed. Equally though, I think you will find that there will usually be some around who will give you exactly what you wish / desire, but they may or may not fall into your particular wishlist of criteria. You have to spend the time to find out if the next man along really does know what he's on about and knows what you want - just like any other selections here it won't always jump out and bite you the minute you want it to happen. Nor will it always be quite obvious - people usually don't write down every possible aspect of their personality because it is simply too long a process. You say it's wasting time - but isn't a bit of extra effort worth the possible end result ? Or instant gratification the name of the game for you now ? Tall
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RHP User
8 years ago
...and did a few here where the sex part was passable but the fun of the person wasn't there at all. Fark me dead and running if one of them wasn't so smellly that I thought MELX would have to re-route the landing table! Even my private pilot's license couldn't make me want to land the shuttle! Best.............CM ...fucked but never again!!
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RHP User
8 years ago
Hi Tall. I tried hard not to say 'generally speaking' too often in my post so I'm not sure where you got the idea that I'm lumping all men into the same category. Neither do I think they don't get the bigger picture of are self absorbed. Actually I'm not talking about men at all. I'm talking about myself and my needs and how to get them. I'm sure there are men out there that fit the bill. I just haven't met them and need help in finding out how. Perhaps you could read my post again. I don't think you're getting my point.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Oh dear, we could start a whole conversation about disastrous experiences So ... this helps me ask a question, how do you avoid these situations again? I'm not saying it's infallible, nothings ever going to run smoothly I understand, but do you put anything in place that narrows what you're seeking or is it just trial and error?
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RHP User
8 years ago
Well I think a couple of things are going on here with you, not unlike most people...and because this is common, as the way I see it, it's your expectations and the outcomes that are the frustration you are experiencing. It turns out that when we get what we want, we're satisfied. When we expect something mediocre and our expectations are met or exceeded, we're satisfied. The problem is when we expect something decent and we don't get it - we end up dissatisfied.One way around this mess is to simply lower our expectations, but is this actually reasonable for interpersonal relationships? I guess not as it appears that the initial relationship has the fault also, hence the need for another connection....I mean this with all due respect. You will need to kiss a few more frogs one would think as its a numbers game here and there are a lot of men that would look far beyond your needs as a woman to satisfy themselves as you will never be theirs!, so why waste time they would think, your not committed to them....does that make sense? Sometimes what you seek is right in front of you....so open your eyes and mind and the opportunity will arise, don't give up just yet :)x
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RHP User
8 years ago
I completely understand. Great post. I think your thoughts would be shared by many women, including myself. Re the time period, I'll get to that in a minute but first want to agree with everything you said. I'm now at a stage where I can't be bothered hooking up for a short encounter and agree that most men think of the destination, but forget the journey, the exploration and tantalising of the woman's body, in all it's beauty, curves and grooves, and so many bloody sensitive areas that hang about wondering when they're going to get some attention. To put this in perspective, I touch myself all over, run my hands over my hips, thighs, boobs, legs, butt, frequently through the night. Every time I wake up, it starts automatically. Why is it so hard for guys to understand the importance of this. They all want to head straight for the clit, well maybe not all but the focused lovers, lustful lovers, are very hard to find. I've also almost given up. The mere mention of anything more than quick satisfaction for them, has dried up my inbox, literally, there is tumbleweed in there 😢 As far as how the sex will be, given how hard it is to find the above, I also understand your concern about the sex not being great. I'm afraid I don't have any answers for you. But don't feel guilty if you walk away because you're not sexually compatible. Not your fault
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RHP User
8 years ago
This is a really common misconception of open relationships and you are not alone in being completely off target. As far as my expectations go .. they are high. And I won't lower them for anyone, especially myself. I've always had this saying that goes something like 'if I believe *insert belief*, there must be someone out there that believes the same* This is actually a story about an older Woman understanding her sexual power and failing to find a lover to fill it. Without feeling the need to defend my open relationship, let me say this .. *what you seek is right in front of you*. The only reason we seek outside of our own relationship IS the fact it is so solid and full of love. I don't expect you to get that but I do have a right to say it.
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RHP User
8 years ago
It was said in George Orwells Animal farm..... all animals are created equal, but some animals are more equal than others. But all lovers are not created equal..... not all experiences are equal.... not all moods are equal... and not all people have equal capacity to empathise, care, learn or give. If all things were equal, life would be a flatline without highs and lows. Some of the boxes to be ticked off can only be REALLY ticked through going to that place. Like kissing. Like sex. But there are ways to screen away the larger red flags first...... and that is through initial messages and profile critique..... then via conversation, discussion...... evaluating suitability against your list of must-haves. And you know this.... because you state you need 3-4 meets to get to know and evaluate someone. Time spent discussing what is most important to you in the people you seek will help narrow down the candidates, and help you find your champion. (Hopefully, the frequently impatient men of RHP can learn to accommodate your time scale needs. It's no guarantee to success, but it helps shorten your odds considerably. And don't let a less that brilliant experience get you down.... learn from it and you'll be one step closer to that great one. 👍 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Thankyou for your understanding, I agree with everything you say. I do believe I have the right to seek a better lover (and him me) or at least one willing to learn without upsetting the ego. They're out there, I have one! (Happy to share) Perhaps when I find said fill-in man I will let you know and we can all be satiated sexually fulfilled women
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RHP User
8 years ago
Met a hot couple but had no sexual compatibility with them they and i were after totally different things but im still looking!
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RHP User
8 years ago
Apparently it's attractive to others if you know "exactly what you want". But knowing it and finding it are hugely different stories. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
sounds good to me 😉 And yes you do have the right to be choosy. We deserve to be satisfied too and age has everything to do with knowing exactly what it is you want. Sexual compatability can be worked on if there is enough feeling there for each other, but agree the ego has to be able to handle it xx
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RHP User
8 years ago
Amen to that
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RHP User
8 years ago
Older men just do it better. ;-) (Sometimes. )
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cbdlivin
8 years ago
This is a problem for male and female, as we all know when the sexual chemistry is there things can be quite amazing. Of course you meet someone and you really like them but that does not translate to the sexual chemistry you are looking for. In the end this is something we all deal with and its whether you want to accept mediocre or keep looking is a personal choice, though I find mediocre sex is really not worth accepting.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Was the question not that there was frustration for you?,… Struggling to find the non existent magical answer?..and possible insight?. You seem to have reacted to one sentence, which was in reference to your initial (4 minute wonder sex) relationship…., and omitted the human nature examples of expectations within interpersonal relationships. This was an insight Selfie. And the comments were with all due respect, and thoughts on why you as with others have frustration for whatever reason. You may wish to read this again in entirety as apart from some insight, I agreed with your needs and most men don’t deliver, which is a shame. I live in an open relationship, and have done for 7 years, it works in ways that yours may or may not be, so you assuming that I don’t get it or that I’m off target is not a good answer for a forum scene, its more a personal interjection, but can be understood as no one asked me. What we seek is normally right in front of us…as plagiaristic as it may be is reference to kissing frogs and not giving up,… suggest again to keep an open mind in forums, and ask questions, not make assumptions.Can be difficult to be understood in a written form opposed to a verbal debate, however appreciate your feedback :)
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Sawadee
8 years ago
I agree with your comment about the man spending more time to find out what makes her warm to penetration.. When I was younger , I was just as guilty as the next man to want to get to the prize and deposit my load as soon as possible. Not that it was wrong , but I think when we're young we don't know any different. Then we find the woman of our dreams . We believe she's the ants pants and it's sex on tap from here on in. We slowly realise we knew sweet FA about what she needs to forefill her sexuality, and so the learning curb begins. From then on , I would never penetrate until after her first orgasm . I really enjoyed exploring her body and working her to orgasm and fully ready to be penetrated.. But like anything in life , if you do the same without much in return it becomes predictable and uninteresting. This is when both need to make the effort to explore things that make life interesting . In all fairness , if you're looking for more than having an itch scratched , seems you're looking for some sort of emotional attachment which many men will baulk at. It's only my opinion , but looking for a man prepared to meet your requirements here on RHP could be a big call.. Gets back to Touch's .. Men are from Mars and women from Venus...
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RHP User
8 years ago
Seems to me your frustrations are self imposed. I think it's fair to say that most men on this site are not here expecting a 2 month courtship for intermittent meets at the whim of an out of towner, and it would not surprise me if they were bailing on you after a couple of weeks, maybe I'm wrong but I don't think so and I'm sure there are exceptions. And that is what you are looking for, an exception and a 6ft one at that.I have no quarrel with your expectations but like the guys expecting a deluge of replies to their "wanna fuck" messages you have to get a bit more real or settle yourself in for the long game.All the best.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'Selfie'Actually I'm not talking about men at all. I'm talking about myself and my needs and how to get them. I'm sure there are men out there that fit the bill. I just haven't met them and need help in finding out how. To be fair, you are talking about men. You're talking about both men and about yourself here, it's a two-way party. IMO there are two main aspects to this, as a woman who has also struggled to find what I'm looking for from this site (I mean sexually....it's actually been pretty great for me socially and friendship-wise). The first aspect is that no, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having certain standards and expectations, and with not settling for something that will continue to disappoint you. Of course to a certain extent this can depend on the other person (the man in this case). If you find someone who is receptive to ongoing communication and discussion of needs and desires, and who is willing to work with you on making some changes, then something that was perhaps average in the beginning can develop into something great and very fulfilling for both parties. The second aspect - and I'm going to be blunt here - is that the majority of men on this site are not going to be willing and / or able to put in the time and effort that it takes to develop a really strong, ongoing sexual connection. You will be told all the things that men know you want to hear, but many will not deliver and many of them view any desire for ongoing communication and fairly regular meets as being too much of an emotional investment (regardless of how much emotional investment you yourself are expecting). In your case, being attached, it may be that those (single) men who are looking for a more long-term thing are wary of becoming involved with someone that already has a primary relationship, as it would almost certainly put some limitations on your interactions (most open couples have a few rules in place regarding their plays outside the primary relationship). Basically, yes what you are looking for would be out there, but you will need to be prepared for the fact that it may require a fair bit of time and effort to find it. Perhaps your best bet would be men who are also in open relationships, who have an understanding of where you're coming from and are seeking something similar to you. When it comes to single men I think you'll find that the majority on here won't be able to give you what you're looking for, for various reasons, but I'm also not going to say it would never happen. I think it would also be worth attending various events / parties / gatherings (you may already do this I don't know), as that can often be a good way to meet like-minded people as opposed to meeting via online channels only.
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RHP User
8 years ago
you buy. Sucks going on dates then you find out that the lover is not for you. Lust and desire is a very powerful thing. But hey I guess you have to remain positive and keep trying. But if sex is a large part of your relationship then I guess you know what you want. Have you tried expressing this to the guys? Or are they guessing on what you would like?
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RHP User
8 years ago
What you're essentially saying is, actually I don't know what you're essentially saying, your comment made no sense. This bit> You say and I quote "It turns out that when we get what we want, we're satisfied. When we expect something mediocre and our expectations are met or exceeded, we're satisfied. The problem is when we expect something decent and we don't get it - we end up dissatisfied. One way around this mess is to simply lower our expectations, but is this actually reasonable for interpersonal relationships?" Huh?? 🐒 When we expect something mediocre and our expectations are met or exceeded, whoop whoop we have a winner 💃 we are satisfied. That's where I've been going wrong. I need to lower my standards. Thank you so much for your valuable insight. Why didn't I think of that sooner. From now on I'm looking for and expecting nothing more than mediocre, less if possible, hopefully a dead loss, if he's a dead loss, I should be guaranteed satisfaction 😜
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RHP User
8 years ago
😉
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RHP User
8 years ago
Looking for the biggest sexual dropouts in society. Please step forward, form an orderly queue 😯
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RHP User
8 years ago
They didn't let baby out of the corner for mediocre 😉 Rest in peace Patrick
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RHP User
8 years ago
Excellent post, great advice in there and agree the emotional attachment, long term commitment to that or with that in mind, well we may as well be on another planet, like Jay said, we're pushing shit uphill ladies 😉 what the heck, nothing better to do with our time right? 😛 Sailbad, agree, perfectly put. That's reality 😞
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RHP User
8 years ago
*And the comments were with all due respect* I did read this and understood it. And I thankyou for your input. *I agreed with your needs and most men don’t deliver* Thankyou. Written communication is the worst and perhaps I did take it out of context. Welcome to the multiple messages I get (from others) of accusations of an open relationship that repeatedly need defending. I feel like we're still a little off target from the post source so I'm going to leave it here before we go around in circles. But thanks again.
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RHP User
8 years ago
*But there are ways to screen away the larger red flags first...... and that is through initial messages and profile critique..... then via conversation, discussion...... evaluating suitability against your list of must-haves* Some solid advice here. Thankyou.
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RHP User
8 years ago
*Apparently it's attractive to others if you know "exactly what you want". But knowing it and finding it are hugely different stories* Yes, and it seems harder to find than I initially thought. From everyone's bottom line advice here it seems to be 'just keep trying' And I've had some great advice to help me along that path. Thanks.
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RHP User
8 years ago
LOL. In all fairness I have had a lovely friend 16 years my junior that has been among the best for sure. But I get your point, life experience certainly does add to the 'Love CV' for sure ;)
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RHP User
8 years ago
Thanks for your input xx
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RHP User
8 years ago
Hmmm you bring up some interesting points. I love 'the younger you' and I think you speak for most men. Absolutely no fault there, I've had many lengthy discussions about male sexuality, it's quite fascinating. Thankyou for being one of the few that worked it out, hopefully with someone like me who decided to communicate it with you. I've also had many discussions over the word 'emotional attachment' with men and I don't actually believe you can have sex with someone without it. Call it care, or lust or something, but the whole act of sex surely includes something more than a morning wank in the shower. As much as sex can be a physical act, the emotional part would be the friendship, the caring, the breakfast made in the morning ... I would struggle with someone who didn't have emotion in the equation. Sometimes women and men mean the same thing but use different language. I'm sticking with this theory for now!
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RHP User
8 years ago
*that most men on this site are not here expecting a 2 month courtship for intermittent meets* this is fair *you have to get a bit more real or settle yourself in for the long game* Yup. I'm hearing you. But it's oh so emotionally hard, tiring and despondent, for both parties. Are people seriously up for this?
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RHP User
8 years ago
*If you find someone who is receptive to ongoing communication and discussion of needs and desires, and who is willing to work with you on making some changes, then something that was perhaps average in the beginning can develop into something great and very fulfilling for both parties.* Thankyou. *is that the majority of men on this site are not going to be willing and / or able to put in the time and effort that it takes to develop a really strong, ongoing sexual connection. You will be told all the things that men know you want to hear, but many will not deliver and many of them view any desire for ongoing communication and fairly regular meets as being too much of an emotional investment (regardless of how much emotional investment you yourself are expecting). In your case, being attached* Did I tell you how much I love your so called bluntness? This is bang on. The best I can do to address this is to make my profile as honest as possible. I do not reply to single men (so I can leave them to find someone more suitable). I have blatantly advertised the fact I'm with a SO, advertised my time limits, advertised I'm not local to Perth, advertised that I am not after a one night stand, that I do want an ongoing arrangement. I question men again upon their message that they are really up for this, that it's not going to be easy (excudes another 80% easily), I accept the replies that I feel are honesty and ethically going to fit in with my situation .... and me of theirs. *yes what you are looking for would be out there, but you will need to be prepared for the fact that it may require a fair bit of time and effort to find it* Thankyou.
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RHP User
8 years ago
*Have you tried expressing this to the guys? Or are they guessing on what you would like?* Possibly not expressing enough. The world tends to see me as blunt and so I'm forever toning myself down to suit society. Perhaps in this instance I need to not. Classy blunt perhaps? Thankyou
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RHP User
8 years ago
Nothing beats a passionate heart x All in all, some really good advice and I've taken something from everyone. (Ok maybe not the first guy) Bottom line is .... I don't have to feel like I need to control the other persons decisions. They're a big kid too and if they don't like it, I'm sure they will move on (hopefully politely). All I need to do is control my part, be honest, be upfront, say it how it is and maybe I'll find my man. With effort and with work and possibly several bottles of wine for the emotional roller coaster of it all. Cheers.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Why don't you look at paying for this adventure so that you know what you will get? Then it's not cruel when you walk away? Just saying if it's good for one sex to do this then why can't women do this? You seem to be pretty specific knowing what you want. Why would you not search for paid services that supply this? Win for both sides then I say but that's just my opinion. Then all this effort that you require that a man may not want to do unless you are invested on all levels. Because humans are all self serving. One persons agenda may be so different from yours and growth between two people requires two people not just one. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Suggest you read it again, slowly and in its entirety,....as its quite clear. The little rant was unnecessary as your situation is not the topic here, however amusing it may be.
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RHP User
8 years ago
So many good responses on here but Luck_dragon yours would be the one I liked best. I'm not your typical woman. I know I am not easy to please. I go through fazes and I have different moods requiring different needs. There are so many different personalities, needs, wants, desires mixed up in online dating/hook ups whatever you want to call it. I like to chat for awhile if I'm looking to hook up with someone on a regular basis. It gives me a general feel of the person/people. I have been known to message someone briefly and just have a wild hookup. Either way it's not always going to be 'cosmic '. You might not 'click' with someone after either scenario but I have found its a journey of discoveries. Some good. Some bad. Some great. Some tragic. I have no regrets with anyone I've met. Just experiences. Try not to be so serious. You'll find more joy in the journey. I wish you well and do hope you find what you're looking for. 💜 Tracy 💜 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
I did reread it, as did the op, you're insulting our intelligence here. You also did have a dig at the op for looking outside her relationship, or people in general, suggesting there's something wrong with a relationship if playing outside the marriage. You seemed confused when asked about this as well and denied it, maybe you need to reread your own post. We are perfectly intelligent, can read and have read your post thank you very much, just don't see your logic in one part and full of contradiction in the other. I'm not going to continue engaging with you on this, moving on now. Thanks for your thoughts
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RHP User
8 years ago
will leave this alone, but lowering our standards, lowering my standards, not on your sweet life. I put a lot of effort into myself and mediocre can grab a beer, plonk on the couch and watch tv, I'm not mediocre so why should I settle for it? Nice try dude. Let's try and get women to drop their standards 😏 That's it, I'm out here. Still think this is an excellent topic and will enjoy reading other comments 👍
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RHP User
8 years ago
I notice you have taken membership out, this is a big thing in your favour as it shows you are serious and not just here to yank a few chains. Use it, by far the majority of women here are guests and as such are limited by only being able to sort through the detritus that washes up on their piece of beach. I'd be pretty confident that your type of guy would have the substance to handle a message from you with maturity, by being proactive it gives you a bit more positivity heading forward rather than sitting back waiting for something to happen. By all means keep the blunt and honest approach but cushion it with the lighthearted, it's all sounding a bit like a job application and that's bad. Show us your lighter fun mischievous side too. All the best.
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RHP User
8 years ago
At least you managed the username correctly this time round......there is always one in a crowd, seems your the only one here that does not "get it". Best you understand that passive aggressive attitudes in forums are not respected by those who participate, so read it again, take a deep breath and relax and read the original post, take a deep breath then read some of the other insights, in particulate the responses by the author...one would hope you understand. And as I said, unnecessary but amusing all the same, thanks I_Touch'e_myself_2
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RHP User
8 years ago
Well said and yes it shows integrity and transparency with what the author seeks, I get a little tired of the flirts by the tyre kickers (most don't really know what they want, so fish for a response to fit into), this ultimately is a recipe for disaster. So at least with paid members, the latter is not so frequent and you can reach out to those persons of interest, Good luck Selfie
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RHP User
8 years ago
I also have had very straight set boundaries, hence here I am. Personally, I feel a little empty if I have not taken the time to get to no my potential partner, maybe a little old school, but the end results are very satisfying. Just take a look at how many couples, still madly in love after many years, just want to explore the possibilities by inviting a third party into their lives. But it's all so subjective, isn't it! - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
i think sex for the first time with a new partner seems arkward ,and kind of rushed ,,i think it gets better as you get to know each other ,,n feel tottally relaxed n at ease ,,,,
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RHP User
8 years ago
Why would you feel like it is wasting anyone's time? I would have thought that when you say "If you're primarily looking for sex, please move on" that you mean exactly that. You are obviously looking for something more meaningful than sex and if people out there actually understand the concept of a meaningful relationship then they should also understand that this takes time to develop such a relationship irrespective of whether it is your committed relationship or additional to that commitment. It isn't a case of you being deceptive and stringing some poor bloke along. You have every right to look for what makes you happy and end it if it doesn't come up to scratch, without any feelings of guilt. I'm sure there are plenty of men out there who do understand a woman's needs and also get great pleasure from taking considerable time to build up to intercourse. There is no comparison between, for want of a better term, jumping a stranger and spending hours enjoying the company of someone you actually care about. Getting to know what does and doesn't do it for your partner both in and out of the bedroom adds so much to the whole experience. You do have the right to set your standards and not lower them for anyone. If anything, these meetings that don't come up to scratch should allow you to refine your expectations even further. Hopefully you don't give up and you do find all you are looking for. I'm sure these initial disappointments will fade pretty quickly when that right bloke does come along.
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Sawadee
8 years ago
Thanks for the compliment re " the young me ".. 😊 ... The more mature me still thinks the same way but the thing I found along with maturity comes the reality that you do some sort of basic attraction for the sex to be satisfying .. I've had sex with drop dead gorgeous ladies who left me with nothing and sex with some not so lovelies who blew my mind.. This tells me nature has it that we react to things we don't always see coming.. I think you can have your expectations , but you also must be prepared to bend those rules to make things happen... Just my opinion.. Jay...
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RHP User
8 years ago
Great thread peeps 🤝
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FeistyFatty
8 years ago
I'm in an open marriage as well so get the dynamics and appreciate everyone's works differently. My one and only stumbling point in your OP was the "a couple of months at best " .... AT BEST!!!!! You actually expect and think it's not unrealistic and absolutely ridiculous for a man or multiple men to pander about you, "courting" you for a couple months before you get to any physical exchanges???? Yowsers!!! No wonder they're not delivering (in your opinion) in the end..... they're over it. Good luck. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
No, I just exchange comments about comments, I don't make personal attacks, something you obviously struggle with. I've obviously offended you by questioning your comment, note 'your comment', not you the person. I was specific with certain things, you have again failed to respond directly to those, instead choosing to make a personal attack. Whatever mate, happy to not speak to you. Very happy 😇
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RHP User
8 years ago
I'm not done yet 😉 here is part of your first post. This I found offensive and ignorant, not you, note this is not a personal attack, but this part of your comment. Quoting you> "I guess not as it appears that the initial relationship has the fault also, hence the need for another connection....I mean this with all due respect." the initial relationship has the fault also, hence the need for another connection? Care to explain your thought process there? Why would you assume that when the op clearly stated she is in a loving relationship. Just because we want extra partners, doesn't mean there's a problem with the number 1. It means we like variety and older women have needs 😉 An understanding partner I wouldn't consider a problem but you seem to have missed that. Maybe reread.....then breathe......then read again.......😉
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compressor
8 years ago
I think bringing the lady to orgasm first is great to be honest for one love to play with the ladies breast/nipples and touch their body before worrying about myself. I hope you find a lover who puts your need high on his list
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RHP User
8 years ago
Mainly in response to you post OPNmarriagewife, timelines are different for different people and differing situations. For me at home, my wife and I both work, have kids, friends and other commitments. We put our relationship first, especially as I travel a lot and with life's normal commitments our time together is first and foremost... which leaves not much time to see others. So I can understand the OP's suggested timeline if her spare time is limited and it wouldn't be a problem for me.
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m3bmw
8 years ago
Why not try communicating what you need? Guys aren't mind readers and what works for one could be the biggest buzz kill for the next. - Posted from rhpmobile
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