F44
What do you do when....
December 05 2009
Comments
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RHP User
16 years ago
Sounds like you both may need some pointers in conflict resolution... I guess a lot depends on how much truth is in his statements and how both of you go about finding solutions for these problems. Solutions can't be found without both parties contributing constructively to the process. For example, it's impossible to negotiate with an irrational person. Also makes it hard when the other party refuses to partake in counselling. Each person has rights that need to be respected... The language and technique used to assert your rights and make your feelings known is very important. Some language exacerbates the situation, whilst other words pacify. Progress can't be made if the dialogue increasingly worsens the situation. Please buy a book on the subject or seek professional help if you can't make progress.
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RHP User
16 years ago
WHY are you still there. You are better than that, dump his ass. Better to struggle for a while than have your self esteem shoved down the toilet and flushed. Been there....talking from experience. No big essay needed....simple! xxx
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RHP User
16 years ago
I divorced him when I was your age. It was difficult and hard and the very best decision I ever made. Psyhcological abuse is as devastating as physical abuse.
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RHP User
16 years ago
I suggest you clear your thoughts and concentrate on what outcome you want to see before taking on board advice from others. With an outcome in mind, you'll then be able to see if the compromises necessary to achieve it are too high a price to pay. As for the abuse you're suffering, Get marriage counselling even if it is just to let him know you won't sit back and let him treat you badly. If that doesn't work... well, you're on this site for a reason. Also, I suggest you take your son to see a doctor for this, if you haven't already. Hugs and good luck Gazza
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RHP User
16 years ago
Sounds like you've listened (to those words) long enough that you are no longer capable of trusting your own judgement. It isn't good for you honey, nor does it provide a good example for your child. If you are willing to work on it - raise this with him, gauge if it is possible to seek outside counselling. Does he know how you feel? Is he listening to you when you speak or does he shut down? You know it isn't right - you've posted the question so it is a step in the right direction. If it works out, that is great - you restore equilibrium to your relationship and you can continue. Otherwise... ensure you have a strong support network and step out of the situation. And learn to live again and trust your own judgement. Too often we lose so much of ourselves in these unhealthy patterns that we cannot be objective. Be strong [hugs]
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RHP User
16 years ago
The only comment i could make is that faults in relationships are rarely one sided. cheers Nev
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RHP User
16 years ago
Hi awaynowAll have made valid points..as most of us have been or going through the same situation.but i have to agree with gazpachio..as by the sounds of it if there's still a good chance of resolving the problems it will easier in the long run while taking action in th early stages...stay strong and try to look for the positive...xoxoxheymummabest of luck
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RHP User
16 years ago
file for divorce?
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RHP User
16 years ago
If and when that ever starts to happen sorry to say it but u shud deffinately leave him ... if u continue to stay in that relationship u will only get weaker from ur husband putting u down constantly and u dont want that ..he shud be complimenting u not putting u down if he loves u!!
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RHP User
16 years ago
Please seek professional assistance. It truely is important that you find a professional person to chat about your senario. For every person there is different way which this is best delt with. You need assistance from someone who has time to sit down with you, can listen to you and how you feel. It a good start to feel you can express your self on a forum like this. Despite all our best effort and advice we can not truely begin to understand all the difficult and different dynamics of your relationship.Your relationship is yours and completely unique to you. There are many points of access for you to seek help. A simple way maybe to visit your general practioner and seek assistance there are programs which will allow you free access to trained psychologists and relationship counsellors. Reationships Australia is another worthwhile contact and are either free or the fee is set to your income level and is generally very reasonable. You may also find it helpful to contact a online or telephone counselling service. Please seek help. It is the best thing for you. This is a great step now its time to look futher a field. Take care.
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RHP User
16 years ago
Let me just clarify the obvious.. I'm no councilor and don't profess too be !But after reading your situation the first thing that comes too my mind is a number of questionsQ1. Has this been going on for a short period or just started?Not that time makes any difference or makes it any better with what your enduring.Q2. Do you see it changing if you sit and talk with a marriage councilor ?Is the love for him there or has he taken that from within you too even go that pathway.Q3. Is he under any pressure or experienced a traumatic period.once again, that's no excuse for what you are getting from him, but worth asking.Best wishes and hope you find the right answers, for you, him and most importantly your little one.
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RHP User
16 years ago
I used to put up with a lot when I was younger. Not now. No one should have put up with shit from anyone male or female. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Millions upon milllions are out there so why put up with a shithead? Mars
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RHP User
16 years ago
Interesting to see how people vent. Again i'm positive there are two sides to the story and currently we have the one that isn't being told and one that is being over emphasized probably because the response that you're expecting as a result is validation that the other guy is 100% in the wrong, insensitive & malevolent whilst you are the obvious victim. Unfortunately I can't surmise nor add to your libel. I'd take this a little more seriously if all circumstances were given and the post didn't have a bias stench. As it is, the fact you have sought validation from such a site leads me to believe that only strangers to your partner with such limited inequitable knowledge of the above circumstances could come to the conclusion that you desire. For the record, your fictional grinch does sound like a malign character but a character nethertheless.
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N4November
16 years ago
You know in your heart if your relationship is healthy or not. It is about choice and somehow, I hope that you find the courage to make the right decision however painful that is. Utilise all the resources available to help you make a decision. Its not only about you or your partner. There is an innocent child stuck in the middle. Regardless of the outcome, the problems in your home has to be addressed by both of you. And don't be bothered by others judging you (jhammer) - you screaming loudly or quietly for help (and in this forum this is what I suggest you are doing..) is a step forward - to finding the best solutions for your family. Don't let anyone belittle you for asking their opinion. Communicate your feelings otherwise you will go insane; he will make sure of it. I ran out of options and it was a matter of life or death. I ran from my husband with $300 in my pocket, 15 month old, 4 year old, the cat and as much as I could fit in the car. I never went back. I've never looked back. Within a year I had a fantastic job, renting an awesome townhouse, living 50 metres from the beach, new friends and only had love and laughter in my home. My children thrived. My strength and resilience is testament to what I want my children's lives to be. I am proud (and sometimes amazed) of what I have achieved for my family. A couple of years on, I love my life!!! I am so blessed on so many levels. My life and the children's life is exactly how I dreamed it COULD be. No violence, so much love and laughter. Respect. I have a mortgage, live beside the sea, work hard, play hard and love hard. Its mine. The best gift I will ever give my children was finding the strength to leave. Good luck
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RHP User
16 years ago
I know from experience that there is help out there. Whether it be someone to talk to or support to help you get out of this relationship. He is breaking you down knowing that you wont leave him. One day you will get angry enough and say "enough is enough". When that day comes, will be the most empowering day of your life. Standing up for yourself and your child. Discovering things about yourself that have been supressed because of the nasty relationship is an exciting adventure. Dont regret the relationship, it will make you stronger for the next one.
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RHP User
16 years ago
Quoting 'jhammer' Interesting to see how people vent. Again i'm positive there are two sides to the story and currently we have the one that isn't being told and one that is being over emphasized probably because the response that you're expecting as a result is validation that the other guy is 100% in the wrong, insensitive & malevolent whilst you are the obvious victim. Unfortunately I can't surmise nor add to your libel. I'd take this a little more seriously if all circumstances were given and the post didn't have a bias stench. As it is, the fact you have sought validation from such a site leads me to believe that only strangers to your partner with such limited inequitable knowledge of the above circumstances could come to the conclusion that you desire. For the record, your fictional grinch does sound like a malign character but a character nethertheless.Very well written ,agree 100%
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RHP User
16 years ago
chillit78 has said pretty much what i was going to say-very good points worth considering. but i must add,,,is he physically abusive / violent....if he is, get out now. ive seen the damage caused by this,,slaps turn into punches,bruises turn into breaks. the pain of surgery to repair the damage is traumatic enough but whats heals the emotional damage ? the damage caused by the one you love ? if this is happening to you GET THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW xxx D
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RHP User
16 years ago
anaynow You must use everything you have and leave, I was in the same boat but mine and my son's emotional abuse came from my ex wife. It was hard but I fought long and hard and get to see my son and have him on the right track. I am so happy now but trust no one. Still to this day (after 5 years) my ex wife tells my son (only 8) that i am the devil so you must get out now
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RHP User
16 years ago
The real question you should be asking yourself, is 'what the fuck' am I still calling him 'my husband'?
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RHP User
16 years ago
ok let me clarify i certainly do not believe that all of OUR probems are his fault. It takes two people to bugger things up. I am certainly NOT perfect and i can definanlty be a bitch sometimes, but do i deserve to be told this EVERYDAY? There is nothing weong with my childs speach ive seen poeple about it and have been told his speach develepment is good for his age. I assume he says that to hurt me. He thinks im a bad mum and has told me and there are days when hes right about this to im sure. I allow him to see his parents fight whoch is not fair on him. I want to go to counselling, but he doesnt. We have been once and he was very rude to the counsellor when our marriage problems arent her fault. He is never home he is at work all the time. And he does work hard to provide for us and he is very good at what he does, but he is there 7 days a week at least 9 hours a day, less on a sunday. I dont want peoples sympathy just advice, because i honestly dont know what to do. How can he love me yet say such hurtfull thngs to me? He tells me i need to change and everything is my fault when i ask what im doing wrong he doesnt give me constructive critism he just says im a bitch. That i dont show him i dont love him. And maybe i dont sometimes but its pretty hard to show someone you love them who can so easily say that marrying you was the worst mistake of his life, that you dont deserve your child and if you ever take him away he will hurtl you.
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RHP User
16 years ago
Awaynow, my mother suffered at the hands of an emotionally abusive alcoholic for as long as I can remember. As the youngest child and living at home for the worst of it I bore witness to more crap than I can possibly care to mention. My best advice as a child of such a situation is to leave. Counselling is a good idea to try and hash out the real issue but he may never be rehabilitated, and if he's not being cooperative you need to think of what is best for you and your child. It is not worth the emotional stress and trauma to live with a man of contradictions - he says he loves you and continues to put you down? Yeah, my dad told me he loved my mum too but that didn't stop him hitting her. No one deserves to be treated that way and since she left him I have never seen my mum happier.
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RHP User
16 years ago
Good advice has been given above so take it. Your toddler is likely picking up on the unhappiness surrounding them and that is where their learning difficulties will stem from. Get out, get help, get GOOD friends and start living. Best of luck
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RHP User
16 years ago
it's all been said sweety,,,your husband should love you not abuse the crap out of you,,, ask yourself this, if he was like this at the start would you have married him, or for that matter would you have continued seeing him ??????????????????? get out sweety and get yourself someone that cares about you,, , just leave it behind and get your life back,,,,there are a lot of men out there that would love another chance at being happy,,,,,,,
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RHP User
16 years ago
As mothers we have to put the wealfare of our kid/kids before us..Cause its never easy to make the right choice...ive had to do that twice in my life... married twice.But what ever you choose to do..try to.be strong and look for the positivesxoxoxheymummathere is support around you best wishes
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RHP User
16 years ago
get rid of him before he does he is only after an excuse to leave and I think he is already playing around the more u take the he will give it to you and only hurt u more you and your child deserve more not less go now and take care
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RHP User
16 years ago
I came on line to check my messages when I pushed the wrong button and stumbled upon your question, I was so horny for a minute there, I guess I never expected to come across a point of seriousness, I sometimes forget there is a real world out there and that were not all blessed by having the perfect partner, I couldn't stomach watching a men be little, speak in a bad manor or even hit a woman. I understand that couples do have heated arguments and things are said that perhaps shouldn't have. But there is no need to lower your partners self esteem and pummel your self worth with blame and insults. In my opinion and it's just free advise cost nothing to listen to, He has bigger issues at the moment perhaps too young and definitely not ready for the world of responsibility and reacting like any immature person does by blaming others for the mistakes he has made and his uncertainty s in his immediate life. Not to say he's a bad man his up bringing might not have given him the proper opportunity s to express himself, You need to get away from him before he drags you down to a level that your unable to get out of, before you feel so self worthless that you feel there is no better life and you are the things he says you are. KAS good luck and remember sometimes its best for the child not to have a father then to have an abusive one... I turned out just fine and am proud of my mother for doing so.
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RHP User
16 years ago
Please please please leave this man, please please.
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RHP User
16 years ago
If he's going to say things which seem calculated to destroy any good feelings you have about yourself, then you need to seriously consider leaving. This man doesn't have your interests, or the interests of your child at heart. If not for yourself, then for your child- do you want her growing up with only memories of a home where everyone was miserable? Life can be better, and you don't deserve to be treated this way, no matter what excuses he gives. Be strong and respect yourself xxoo
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RHP User
16 years ago
I think hotmumma and huayu and many others have said it all. you dont deserve to be treated badly no matter what.
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RHP User
16 years ago
hi dose not seem like a very nice guy maybe start looking for a way out then for a guy the shows you how much he loves you
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RHP User
16 years ago
I thought that I was bad in my marrage then I read this. I can tell you by the fact that I have been clos to where is that he has some self esteem issues and he is projecting them on you to make himself feel good. What he dosn't relise is that his words are poision for the relationship and that his happyness and self esteem comes from inside not outside. This is also important for you to remember what he is saying are words yes they hurt but words are only somones oppion (sp) what other people say shouln't effect you look for the positives that you have around you, your loving child is number one. if you write a list of things that you have in your life and concentrate on the possitives then you will be strong . He on the other hand needs to seek some counciling (like I did) and keep an open mind. The only way that I could get counciling was the wake up when my wife walked out. It forced me to think long and hard about my actions and words but she has still maintained a place in my life as a friend at this moment cause the changes take time and I don't want to go back to the person that I was.
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RHP User
16 years ago
Awaynow NO YOU DON"T DESERVE THIS You are in a marriage of domestic violence wether it be physical or emotional. I agree with most of the advice here, The fact that you have posted it to the forum is your first step. Take control Like other's have stated previously, you know in your gut that this is not the way a loving marriage should be. I also hear what ( jhammer and another have said). Yes this is just one side to a story but these are her thoughts and feelings and they are REAL for her !!!!!! I also went through a very simillar situation, 8 years ago we did seek councelling but to no avail. After many years, I packed up my car and kids and hit the road. Yes it was and is hard but with a good support network and services I got through it. I to have never looked back. It is better to have 1 loving parent than two that are continually fighting or putting each other down and seeing the terror and pain in my 3 boys eyes, I knew i couldn't let this continue for the sake of mine and my boys wellbeing. I also had low self esteem and even started to believe what my ex hubby was saying was true. BUT HEAR THIS YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLES THOUGHTS FEELINGS AND ACTIONS THEY ARE. Like you stated previously you are not perfect nobody is, but you do not have to put up with the one you love treating you like this, I can tell you if you choose to stay in this relationship with no change. This will certainly affect your child without a doubt as stated earlier. Your child could normalise these behavior's and percieve them as normal behaviour's. These are learnt behavior's as they no no different. There are plenty of services out there that help women/men and children in your situation. Your husband sounds like he is a very insecure man within himself. Wether he is a product of his upbringing. There is no excuse he can either deal with his issues or not, but why should you and your child suffer, if he chooses not to address what going on for him. Awaynow please seek proffessional help for you and your child. BE STRONG GIRL YOU CAN DO IT I"M SURE YOU WILL MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD. just my opinion Pips
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RHP User
16 years ago
Quoting 'lowtrux' I thought that I was bad in my marrage then I read this. I can tell you by the fact that I have been clos to where is that he has some self esteem issues and he is projecting them on you to make himself feel good. What he dosn't relise is that his words are poision for the relationship and that his happyness and self esteem comes from inside not outside. This is also important for you to remember what he is saying are words yes they hurt but words are only somones oppion (sp) what other people say shouln't effect you look for the positives that you have around you, your loving child is number one. if you write a list of things that you have in your life and concentrate on the possitives then you will be strong . He on the other hand needs to seek some counciling (like I did) and keep an open mind. The only way that I could get counciling was the wake up when my wife walked out. It forced me to think long and hard about my actions and words but she has still maintained a place in my life as a friend at this moment cause the changes take time and I don't want to go back to the person that I was. For being so honest :)Fussy xxx
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RHP User
16 years ago
Ok, forgive me for not reading all the replies but on initial question this is pretty cut and dry...leave him. From that one of two things will happen; 1. you will get a better life or 2. He will wake up to himself and beg to come back, hopefully having learned a lesson. Then if he starts treating you right everything will be better, if he doesn't (strike 2) start thinking about a divorce.This coming from someone that has never been engaged or married so take it as you will. I wouldn't stay with someone that treated me that way and I have experienced something of the sort.Hope this helps
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RHP User
16 years ago
You tell him to get lost...pack his bags and send him on his way....1. since when does he get to abrogate his responsibility re your toddler 2. how could you be any worse off 3. He is showing you massive disrespect - if he feels this way then this will transcend to your child(ren) and they will pick up on it and mirror his behaviour 2b :)
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RHP User
16 years ago
There is someone out there who will appreciate you for who you are. Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs though to find him. Best of luck with your future choices.
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RHP User
16 years ago
Personally, I would suggest you get a contract taken out on him. haha but really , hello and wake up, if you think this crap is wrong, and it sounds like you do or you wouldnt be asking us in rhp,then move out of fuck him off. No bloke is worth haning onto just to "have a man ", surely to god???My 2 cents worth K
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floyd277
16 years ago
History says that a person that indulges in this kind of physical and emotional abuse will only escalate their behaviour. Even if they stop for a while the behaviour will return - the only answer for your own safety is to get out. It's all about power.
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RHP User
16 years ago
well if you stay and take that the more the fool you are sorry to be blunt but its not long but simple find some one that will see all the things you do do not what he lacks it all boils down to communication
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RHP User
16 years ago
..it means all is not well in his world. He is frustrated by something (possibly work) and is just taking it out on soft targets like you and the child. Its not right but when frustration builds this is a typical reaction to let off steam. If your relationship means something talk to him I mean really talk to him about his deepest feelings. Everyone feels vulnerable at times, insecure and unworthy just talk it out. Try your best not to be a statistic like the rest of us here are, its easy to give up,and much harder to make it work. Good luck.David
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RHP User
16 years ago
Sounds like the weight of the world is on his shoulders and he feels he is the only contributing member of the family....this is most likely not the case but it often how men feel....you get all the "good times" with the children and he misses out, just working hard. Then we dont eat properly, blood sugar levels bounce up and down and stress takes over and ruins everyones life....I have come close from overwork, lucky for me I have great friends as an outlet for my negative thoughts when I was working 12 hour days constantly. they pulled me back in line. I was never negative or abusive at home but I often had the thoughts of being unappreciated, why did I come home to a messy house and no dinner....I had been out working since 6 am, left home t 5.30, return at 7pm and its chaos and I still have to cook for everyone.....it would have been easy for me to blame others, reality was I needed to take control of the situation, encourage my wife to lift her standards, take more time from work and spend more time with my kids....and relax.....take a day off now and then (weekends) and appreciate what I had, eat better, look after myself..... This flowed well for both of us and we are happier than ever. Good friends that were honest with me pulled me into line, maybe "counselling" from some level headed friends who really care for you would help. Remember back when you first were together, was he a dickhead then???? If so, just move on now, he will never change, if not and this has developed over the years together, try to regain the goodness of the past and sort it out. PS, if he is violent....he needs help, again honest mates are the best in my opinion.
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RHP User
16 years ago
Some excellent advice here, it makes my relationship look heaps better. Don't feel that your alone. If he doesn't want to see or participate effectively in counselling then it's no point forcing it. However, start seeing one for yourself, it'll help you in the long run and they can also put you onto other people to help. Whats the reason you see at this point in time for you wanting to stay with him? If it's the child, then it won't work, might for a bit, but you'll be on another forum in a couple of years time posting the same thing. Ignore the blame that your child may or may not have speech issues, mine did. We put him daycare two days a week and now he can quite clearly say a lot of stuff, inlcuding 'microwave'. It's no major issue, everyone moves at their own pace, let your child spend some time with friends children, that'll help them develop aswell. Speak to your GP, they can put you onto groups that can help like the Family Relationship Centers, etc. Don't be afriad to speak to a solicitor just to see what you should do, and above all don't be afraid to speak to the authorities if he crosses any sort of line. As someone else said, work on developing an excellent support network around yourself to help you. Take in as much advice as you can and use it to make a well informed decision. don't listen to the first thing that you hear as you have to make what you think is the right decision, not what someone else thinks is the right decision. It's why my wife has done a little bit of reconcillation recently, she listened to much to other people and didn't do what she wanted to do. Adam
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RHP User
16 years ago
I hear you girl. I've been there, and am now well out of it. apparently everything was my fault, strange how now we've split, the amazing things have happened in my life, people have commented on how well I look now, how healthy I look, how happy I look. Even the kids prefer it. If you love him, and want to stay with him, only do it if HE is prepared to come half way. I don't know you, but I do know you are the very BEST you, you can be and you owe it to yourself and your children to live life in an appreciateive loving caring environment. so tell him to shape up, or ship out!
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RHP User
16 years ago
awaynow There's a book called Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood It has saved my friend's life...It certainly won't Harm Yours Pips x
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