F35
Wanting some insight off taken men who find them selves cheating either online/in person
April 20 2020
I made this account for a diffrent reason to most I am struggling with something in my life that Im hoping some of you may be able to give me some insight to.
I have been with my partner for quiet some time now and since as long back as I can remember he has always had online accounts e.g second social medias, badoo, skout etc.
I always thought we fulfilled each others needs obviously untill the accounts are discovered.
When confronted I never get an explination as to why just bordem. I think that is a cop out of an excuse and believe maybe there is an addictive side to it for him?
Comments
RHP User
4 years ago
Honestly I think some still like the the thrill of the chase. Even if they never intend to follow through meeting anyone.
Or like a few that I discovered were married when i ask direct questions to men that work FIFO. They are lonely at work so pretend to be single so they can seek some kind of online company. Because the wife or partner is home working her arse off running a home and caring for children.
So many possible reasons, is it harmless? In the physical sense there is no harm. But emotionally yes has potential to be dangerous.
You will have to ask the right questions. What need or desire does it fulfill ?
FeistyFatty
4 years ago
This is a conversation you should be having with him. We can only speculate which is not giving you answers. And if you've asked him and he says he's bored......maybe he is actually bored? Not sure why that would be a copout.
curiousgirl35
4 years ago
Second accounts dont sound good.
Like Feisty said talk to him, have a proper conversation about it all and get to the bottom of it.
X
Kokoflamingo
4 years ago
And tells you he is bored? You deserve better.....kick him to the kerb, be fabulous you and meet guys who respect you and make you feel good. The more he gets off with it the more he will do it x
RHP User
4 years ago
I recommend you get into couples therapy or for yourself. We cannot give you the reason he decides to cheat on you.
Personally I think boredom is a lazy cop out for someone who doesn’t want to take responsibility for their shitty behavior.Kokoflamingo
4 years ago
You were looking for a guys insight. All the best
SpicyKale
4 years ago
Exactly what FFF said... remember that you're probably going into that conversation with him in an adversarial mindset. I know it must be a hard time, but if you can (and truely believe it) try having some level of understanding and an open mind. People make mistakes and if you've been together for a long time, hopefully it's something worth working through. If this lifestyle does one thing it's developing the ability to communicate well together.
A lot of us are lucky enough that we had the conversation about all of this before we took this path without the others knowledge. A lot of us have been together for a long time, ten years married for us before we started talking about possibilities of opening things up.
You might not get many honest answers from the "single married" guys on here because of how they themselves are perceived here. Hopefully a few of the guys that are in second relationships might give you a bit more insight.
Communication, understanding and forgiveness if you can manage it, even if it hurts. Expect it to take a while too, some things are worth fighting for.
Good luck!Sawadee
4 years ago
...men are visual imaginary creatures... Mostly its fantasy and quite innocent. Most men will visit one of these sites, entertain their fantasy , turn off the computer and forget all about it.
He doesn't feel like he's doing anything wrong , just boys being boys or men being men. So when he's being challenged for doing something he feels good about ' he finds this difficult to understand ?
But thats coming from a mans point of view.. lm aware some women see this differently and can feel quite insecure.. Best to talk to your man and see if you can find some level ground..RHP User
4 years ago
Communication!!! Honest, open, transparent communication!
And THE ONLY way you will get that is to receive it/listen with 'no judgement'. (and vice versa) I believe most people struggle with honesty through fear of judgement and response (ie angry response).
Bottom line is MATURITY is something that takes a lot longer for some to reach than others (there is a big difference in the behaviour of boys vs men)....the fastest way to get there, is complete transparency. If you can create a space to discuss why he chooses these options and the benefits he receives, without you being judgemental of the answer the more likely you are to get the whole truth.
"Boredom" is more likely to be "external gratification", but ask. My opinion is, there are a lot of people that remain loyal from the angle of never having had a physical affair, but seek the attention, which some would argue when done in a manner of non-transparency or deceit, is in fact an affair. Opinions vary. What is important is your expectation and his, as to what is ok and what is not. What are your boundaries? What are you ok with? What is NOT ok? Are each of you aware of each others boundaries?
This lifestyle is definately not the place to try and 'save' a relationship....but is a super fun place to build on an already amazing relationship! With communication and TRUST comes an open discussion around being loyal to each other and enjoying all of life's pleasures along the way!
Good Luck.
Tall74nHard9
4 years ago
you described, but I believe a few of the ladies above have possibly hit the nail.
Men are mostly visual creatures, and will enjoy a perve (generally speaking). As the old saying goes, "variety is the spice of life", and maybe he is just following through on that. Might be through various app's as you have nominated, could be porn sites, or anything else similar.
But as has been also noted above, you really need to talk to him about and find out exactly why he is so enamoured with the behaviour. Most guys will find it difficult to be honest about it, as they think they risk being categorized as some sort of lecherous person, but if you can get him to open up you should get a reasonable insight.
Best of luck.
TallSpicyKale
4 years ago
Spot on, if I could have liked your post twice I would have! Much better than my ramblings... RHP need to pin that to the homepage for all new members to read!
RHP User
4 years ago
Being a Gemini Tiger, I'm in 4 minds about it.
Not to make light of the question, because its serious, and I have strong feelings about it.
First I waslike: It's an awful situation to be in. Horrible. I hate that feeling! I've been there, I suppose almost everybody has.
Then I was like: I understand the thrill of the chase and the feeling of NRE, which is incedible!
But I've also been cheated on, and been the cheater (back before I knew I was Pan poly and just a slave to my urges 😂)
Then I'm like: this has been a problem since humans began pairing up. Plays, poems, great works of art, songs have been made about cgeating hearts and minds.
Kingdoms have been lost over this very thing hapoening.
But its still a big deal.
Some might say, just move on, kick him out, and I agree.
But then I'm like: you might get someone worse!
Someone who bashes or abuses you, or keeps his internet use a secret. At least this guy is veing partly truthful. Maybe you can expand on that and get gim to be fully ooen about it, and share all his postings (if you can handle it)
But then I'm like: theresno way I would be in a monogamous relationship with someone still using dating sites.
No way.
Unless we were doing it together, 🤷♂️
You see, totally awful situation youvebeen put in .
Sorry 😓RHP User
4 years ago
Without trust, what have you got??
Way I see it, if someone is unhappy in life, they need to change something....and then reassess....
And keep changing stuff until they’re happy...because if they aren’t in control of their direction in life; no one else will be...1973goodtimes11
4 years ago
Have you noticed that women call it "cheating" , men dont. We just call it sex.
I have never met a man who doesnt get a bit on the side some time or other in their life.
Me i.ve always put all my wages on the table every week, paid off a house , raised 2 kids including uni.
Downnside the sex is boring.
Now how is that cheating , the bank ac has money in it everyones belky is full
MsSuperFoxy
4 years ago
You've known about his on line accounts and been with him for a while. By ignoring you have enabled.Quote: "I have been with my partner for quiet some time now and since as long back as I can remember he has always had online accounts e.g second social medias, badoo, skout etc."It appears tho, the OP has left the building. Wonder if he found out about her account? Ms Foxy
86Jasindy
4 years ago
I truly feel for you. That niggling feeling that something isn't quite right, is a horrible one to have. Please don't believe your are not good enough, pretty enough, sexy enough etc etc. as others have said, some men (and women too) are just wired to enjoy the danger, the excitement, the naughtiness of a virtual lover they may never meet, and never act on it.
Trouble is, some do.
It's really strange in today's world, it used to be very clean cut. Cheating was secret meetings and sexy times.. but now days with apps what is black and white cheating to one person is a grey area for others.
At the end of the day, it is about what you are comfortable with in your relationship. If this was to happen, he was never to meet up with anyone just have virtual fantasies, would that be something you would accept? Or would you always be wondering, your mind working overtime. For me (Not saying for you) but the moment I felt I needed to sneak a look at his internet history/ read messages/ check apps would be a time for me the relationship wasn't worth pursuing anymore.
It is so easy to just say "just leave, you are worth more than that" but in reality when you are going on a gut feeling, and when you possibly live together, have shared accounts/ cars etc. it is so much harder.
My advice is instead of looking at what he may be doing wrong, look at what you are prepared to live with. Ask yourself if you truly believe what he is saying to you, and if you don't is the relationship worth keeping?
I truly wish you all the best with this, whichever way you decide to go. ❤Kokoflamingo
4 years ago
Its cheating because you are going behind your partners back. Oh, and on your profile you state you are separated. How do you think your family would feel if they knew? Man up and talk to your
partner about how you feel.RHP User
4 years ago
Shut the sex down after child #2 then left because I resorted to porn.
Is that cheating ?
Who knows in this situation?
People are strange.SpicyKale
4 years ago
Probably shocked shocked at the number of offers she got in 24 hours with a blank profile!
All of the info above is really solid though!
sensualcple2play
4 years ago
From guys point of view can be just out of habit if his been on here for a while as a single
And as some1 else has said here "the thrill of the chase" & maybe has no intention going thru with it for real but either way its not right and also if its in person as well then .....
That's another story!MsSuperFoxy
4 years ago
my gut senses something is unreal.
Ms Foxy
AnnieWhichway
4 years ago
The sun comes up every day
Men cheat
Women cheat
The sun goes down
The world goes aroundRHP User
4 years ago
Mmm, been there, experienced that..sorry to say but I can’t see a good reason to have secret accounts, you need to start thinking about how you’re going to handle the inevitable.
I hope my instincts are wrong for once.
Good luck.
Ms Phoenix.
Jatie
4 years ago
Here's some insight from a guy....
In fact I've been that guy!
Without boring everyone with too much detail, I did it for a couple of reasons.
The main one was validation.
And the second has been mentioned, the thrill of the chase.
As with most things sexual, there's not going to be much in the way of logic and reasoning. It's mostly emotional and possibly primal.
Mental health is a big part of my story and I was pretty lost before finding the support to stand up straight and face it like I can now after receiving much support from loved ones.
The thrill of a new prospect partner or someone being attracted to you floods you're brain and body with hormones and Neuro transmitters that are going to allow a person suffering depression feel human again for a while.
Most people I'm sure could agree, those feelings are fantastic.
This all bought about a whole new level of openness and communication between me and my wife and really lead to some amazing growth, and us being here now.
Feel free to kick him to the curb like some have suggested but if you know he's a good guy, there might be some underlying trauma.
I'm not making excuses for Him or myself but do feel some duty to increase awareness of mental health as it can be terrifying to find out how much someone you could be sharing your bed with every night could be struggling without you having a clue!
Sorry for the long post.RHP User
4 years ago
It's a form of cheating regardless to reasons... My question is though your on here asking the question but yet your doing what his doing?
RHP User
4 years ago
That's not good at all, there are me out there that don't cheat because it's happened to them, this is from experience unfortunately!!!
RHP User
4 years ago
So until a few weeks ago I was engaged and happy in the relationship. Things were kind of stale and we had some issues, but I was happy. A woman messaged me out of the blue for legitimate reasons, as we were discussing a topic of mutual interest. This quickly evolved into sexting, my fiance found out and the relationship ended. Fair enough too. I did the wrong thing. But why did it happen? In the chat, I was perceived as having no flaws, as a perfect version of myself. It was so enticing for everything I said to be funny, insightful or sexy. The chat only lasted two days before I stopped it, but in those two days, I must admit, I much preferred the sexting fantasy messages to my finances. In my relationship, communication had become routine. I felt taken forgranted and undesired. Still, all that is no excuse and I deeply regret my actions.
RHP User
3 years ago
Look to be honest I found myself doing the same thing. I never intended to find anyone, intially I was searching for my now ex on platforms like this,.tinder,.Fetlife etc.
Long story short she was just too boring for me, I'm not vanilla and she is as vanilla gets. I needed kinks and excitement in the bedroom.
It is also the reason we split because it was not fair on her, and I am now free to persue those kinks with others.
I really do hope you sort it out. Seriously consider weather or not you can trust him again, if not seek marriage therapy. It does work but both parties need to want to fix things. Best of luck sweetheart.RHP User
3 years ago
You use the word partner, which is specific and, ideally it should mean what it designates. There are parameters or rules in all types of relationships and these should be established in different stages. When one party breaks agreed rules then the discussion must be had, and if one person avoids that discussion, then it's time to consider options - even if the options are difficult.
sensual2XS
3 years ago
most likely not about you,men are hunters and sadly some of them cannot balance life as a partner and the need for the chase/being needed as they age. It is no excuse but most likely has nothing to do with level of love for you or sexual satisfaction.Cheating is usually about the cheater not the victim
RHP User
3 years ago
Just a thought why don’t you answer his adds and see what he wants and sext him
RHP User
3 years ago
I have been on RHP on and off for years. I've never met anyone on here but I enjoy looking at the pics and reading the few profiles which have actually been filled out. I also like reading the forums. At one stage, when I was single, I was actually a paid member but no-one really replied to me and I gave up. I suspect that the majority of the profiles are not active and so the chances of anyone actually relying are slim. I think I did get a couple of replies that went "thanks but no thanks" and that was all. I think I have a better chance just going to a bar.
My current partner and I have not had sex for over 5 years and probably had sex 4 or five times in the last 10 years so my current sex life is pretty bad. I look at titty flash and pussy flash videos and they turn me on just as much as normal porno movies. Many years ago I actually met a lady on some chat forum and we had video sex. She as from Malta and I only ever had one contact with her but it was fun. Is that cheating? We didn't touch each other and we will never meet. Yes, it is cheating in some ways but it isn't really threatening to my relationship as there is no way I could leave my partner for this woman who I've never met and will never meet.
So I look on RHP and I fantasize about meeting with a woman from here but it won't happen so does it really hurt?
EVERYONE has fantasies and most of them never have any chance of coming true.RHP User
3 years ago
From a male perspective
Sometimes we all have different kinks and fantasies that may or may not be shared with our partners.
The thing with guys is we generally dont talk to other guys - especially about our sex lives
yes, I know, hard to believe right
Most women think that guys get together and talk about sex all the time
This couldn't be further from the truth
You ladies get together and most will share the most minute details with their girlfriends
Men just don't.
So, some men may jump on these places, seeking other men who may share their kinks and perversions - to find answers.
men can be just as insecure as women, it's just that we don't as a rule share the same level of intimacy
with our mates. This is how I personally started on these sites - although my wife is fully aware and has often participated to a level she is comfortable with.
Maybe ask him next time you want to get a bit intimate, ask if you can both jump on the sites together and explore a bit.
Tell him that you would like to share some of his kinks and learn more about him in a non judgmental way. If he has nothing to hide, he will grasp the situation.
If he outright refuses, there is a good chance he is up to something!
good luckInTimMate
3 years ago
Cheating will be for many reasons.
In my situation, it's because there is no intimacy between my wife and me and hasn't been for many years. She is unwell, and I still love her. If I left, she would not survive. For a long time I accepted I would never have intimacy again. I've always been resilient and able to turn lemons into lemonade. But now my mental health is struggling with questions like, "Is this how the rest of my life will be?"
Maybe there's a little of that last question in every relationship.
Oral1973
3 years ago
Hi, my wife cheated with my friend, I asked to go to counseling and she continued for another 2 years. I am just looking for some sexual relief.
Seachange
3 years ago
Pina Colada Song...
I haven't read much of the comments but if you are really curious of this behaviour, create a new avatar and reply to his posts in any of the social media accounts he is active in. Create a different persona and find out what he wants. Some people, males and females, do like the idea of a chase or lead a different life from their boring, nondescript life. Think 'Walter Mitty' behaviour...
Maybe out of these conversations you may learn some new insights and find out some interests that he was hesitant to disclose to you. Maybe he likes being kinky. Relationships are hard and is a minefield at times, like looking through the looking-glass in Alice In Wonderland.... it could take you anywhere to the unexpected.
Be careful what you wish for. Best of luckRHP User
2 years ago
I'm bi and I get alot of looks and messages from men who are supposedly straight. Maybe he's a little that way inclined. Question is could you handle it if that's the case.
RHP User
2 years ago
I found this topic really interesting. It is also very relevant for me at the moment. Alot of comments responded to "I'm bored" and said this is a lame excuse. I think "boredom" is just the tip of the iceberg but is the prelude to much deeper issues. Sometimes there is no win -win situation even if you are honest and both parties lose. An additional consideration needs to be "the sexual level of each partner" . I think most problems occur when partners have a mis-matched sexual level. Whether it be libido, kink, intensity, fantasy, stamina, etc If there is a mismatch, soon one partner will get bored or frustrated - boredom being the outcome but not the cause. So what happens when a partner is "bored". They may really love their partner, have no intention of leaving them but they want to relieve the frustration and built up tension that remains. "Communication" - right!. Ok. So you express to your partner that you want a greater sexual experience, but your partner is not into that and has "boundaries" including just normal dislikes - which could be just the amount of sex they have. So you have tried to bring the topic to the forefront and after discussion nothing changes. Now you have a situation where one partner may feel inadequate, pressured etc and the other remains frustrated. I understand when some people describe their relationship as "Its complicated" as sometimes it is. Its very hard to approach a partner about entering a poly relationship when you know "without any doubt" that they will not approve. Not being sexually aligned (my term), I feel is a major issue and probably the root cause for partners "cheating" and if a person loves their partner it is very hard to solve. Sometimes "cheating" seems to be the only option available. I envy those couples who can openly discuss sex and where both parties can freely discuss what turns them on - no matter to what degree - mild or hard core. That relationship with your partner is GOLD. However there are lots of relationships out there that dont have that dynamic. They still love each other but sex discussion with an open and understanding mind is a taboo topic.
Tony893
2 years ago
Answer: He is not getting enough from you hence why he say's he is bored.
Boundinpleasure
2 years ago
It’s what we are vs who we are.
No amount of women will fulfill a man’s need for different partners.
A bill will fuck wvery cow in the paddock but not the same one twice…. Why??? We already passed out genetic coding into her so why try to make a second baby with the same cow…. The “What we” is an animal with a desire to replicate our genes. Stop overthinking it and go back to our roots…. We’re just Monkeys in a more sophisticated environment but we still throw shit at each other and masturbate 🤷🏼♂️
Dobefriendme
2 years ago
I have put my reasons upfront..
RHP User
2 years ago
Honestly it's a cop out, I have been on both sides of that fence and honesty is the only way forward.
He could be bored which is where I strayed because my partner and I were too vanilla. Be honest with him and most importantly straight to the point.
I really hope you are able to sort this out but be ready that it could not be a happy ending.
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