F50
Wannabe Doms
May 12 2014
I think there is a difference between being a masculine dominant to being a bdsm dominant and being one of these wannabe dominants.
Comments
tamworthguy46
11 years ago
Unsure where to start on this on this topic.....Fem dom relationships can be complicated, or they can be simple, eg a complicated one could be where the submissive, is maybe dealing with some childhood or relationship experiences, therefore, although it may surprise some, the Sub is actually in control !, where as they may not have been in the past, the dom should probably seek some insight into these reasons, before undertaking any relationship or play......definitely not bashing someone because you can.It's more to do with giving the submissive what they need, whatever that may be , erotica, love, pain , passion , and understanding , all mixed together.
TamRHP User
11 years ago
As with do much else it is about communication, and working out what both parties want and will allow beforehand and sticking within those boundaries. And then patient communication again after.
I am only new to this and still learning. There seem to be different styles out there but to me when playing it is a demanding firmness, coupled with an over arching responsibility to keep the sub safe before, during and after.
Have encountered a supposed dominant who initiated a sub and helped her with researching safety etc to only then want to inflict pain and get his own rocks off with no follow up. That is just abuse and not on.
- Posted from rhpmobileRHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'ollysway'
Have encountered a supposed dominant who initiated a sub and helped her with researching safety etc to only then want to inflict pain and get his own rocks off with no follow up. That is just abuse and not on.
- Posted from rhpmobile guys who tell you they are doms, when they have no idea about the level of respect doms have for their subs. I know bdsm is all about pleasure and pain, dominance and submission and power play. I am referring to the guys who use this term as a means to just be abusive and have rough sex.RHP User
11 years ago
my use of terms...
a masculine dom - gentlemanly guys who know how to take control in the bedroom without having to resort to any pain but be assertive eg, throw you around, puts you where he wants you, firm grasp and a sense of being the play maker
a bdsm dom - a man who has absolutely no qualms in taking control and does so with commanding power and toys/restraints etc to keep his sub exactly where he wants her and will resort to punishments to make his wishes come true. Having complete respect for his sub, she ultimately has the power though
a wannabe dom - guys who have little respect for women and use the term dom as a way of fucking women as hard they can and being rough including slapping and hair pulling.
Missb4u
11 years ago
Have come across it to... Very cautious now.
RHP User
11 years ago
chatting with a guy some time ago and he claimed to be a dom. I asked him what the worst thing is that he would want to do to me. He said tie me to a chair and beat me up??? After much discussion about why he would want to do that, I figured he had mummy or ex issues!
DELETE!
madotara69
11 years ago
Over the time posting, occasionally I have mentioned how much we enjoy foreplay and and the search for all the intimate quests for pleasuring Tara and that is the only times we have women look at our profile, and it is mostly with handles like, dom, sub, whips chains or leather.
No idea of the formalities and never much thought to the kink, but that's just an observation and it often has me thinking what the fuck did I say.
Being all vanilla and such.
Mado Tara xx
Here comes the flack............RHP User
11 years ago
I have never heard a woman refer to herself as a dominatrix because she likes to take a bit of control. Just like a dominant, dominatrix are quite into their roles and these aren't the people I am referring to. Sometimes I like to take control and get a bit rough with the boys but I would never advertise myself as a dominatrix because I don't consider I am one but I can, on occasion, get a little animated but I would still be respectful of my lover.
RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'RunAwayJoinCircz' It's a matter of degrees though Isn't It? I mean....where does the "don't mind dominating a bit" turn into the "I AM THE LORD OF PAIN, ALL BOW!!!" It's a sliding scale, but my point Is that the better the Dom, the more they are about the OTHER PERSON, and less about satisfying their own basic desires, their own need to...well, I don't know, I don't have that need.
And Isn't that what sex is all about anyway kids? I mean REALLY about? :D
using the term 'dom' and not having any respect for their partner that annoys me. I am sure those guys who are doms and take pride in their work get the shits with other guys making them look bad by riding on their coat tails. I guess I am saying that there are dominant natures, then there are dominant role players. Just because you have a dominant nature doesn't mean you should abuse it either in bed or out of it.RHP User
11 years ago
anyone can represent them self as a Dominant, a swinger or whatever but in the end the old saying "you can talk the talk but can you walk the walk" comes to the fore...
ask questions and see if your own expectations and ideas are matched by the Dominant...
in the end a label is a label and you need to find the person behind the label...RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'ralf74' Having complete respect for his sub, she ultimately has the power though
Or are you referring to the phenomenon called "topping from the bottom"? )RHP User
11 years ago
I asked my Dom this, what he gets out of this and His answer was 'its my alpha personality, its part of who I am as a person'. He said He is always dominating his surroundings and people. He just is a Dom/Master. I took this to mean its never switched off, an integral, essential part of him.
But I am new to this, He is the second Dom I have met, and much much more demanding than the first.
Does he abuse my trust? Never, we have safe words, which I've used in the past and He has immediately stopped. A dom will always listen to a safe word, if a wannabe dom dosent listen, or hasn't talked about safe words before play then he is not a real dom and I'd run away very fast.
But ds relationships are mental, what happens in the bedroom another.RHP User
11 years ago
Yep come across far too many. As missb says..very cautious now
RHP User
11 years ago
lollylgs, that is more the idea of what I am trying to say. It is a bit hard to explain especially to men who are not geared to treat women as such. I have nothing against D/S relationships as it is a mutual trust thing and a very respectful one at that and I can certainly see the appeal even though it is not for me.
As for the safe word,wannabe doms don't even discuss one and the level of domination probably doesn't even require one, like I said, it is pretty much hair pulling, arse slapping and slamming sex. The disrespect comes in where there is no care or sensuality about the act, it seems more like they are there to take some anger out on you because they have been burned by other women.madotara69
11 years ago
well it only makes sense that a dom would be attuned for reading the dynamics, being of intensities to levels with passion expressed by the woman, testing the boundaries of those levels as they would no doubt heighten, shit they do with us, means communication and trust would be paramount, I don't think of it as so much being mind games, I believe it would be more inclined for the mind to run free, that takes complete trust, the woman's body is a very sensitive being.
Yep passion it's a thing between that fine line with pleasure and pain. So I think a good dom would be one who explores the flows for passions to be released, mind body and soul the spirit of that womanly being. mmmmmmmmmmmmm.RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'RunAwayJoinCircz'
Quoting 'ralf74' Quoting 'RunAwayJoinCircz'Absolutely, couldn't agree more and also the point I'm trying to make. If someone is just ABUSING you to get their rocks off It's the exact opposite of what a 'real' Dom is all about, because ultimately a 'real' Dom should be coming from a place of love and respect for their partner and wanting to satisfy THEM, which takes a certain level of maturity, empathy, and self-control. I've met people in Sub / Dom relationships where there is immense mutual love and respect, If some idiot is just getting his kicks by being a violent creep he's NOT a Dom, he's a Misogynist.
Yes, that is exactly what I am trying to say. I am interested in what people who live a D/S lifestyle think of these creeps who probably ruin others perceptions of them. I would imagine it is hard to find a good dom or sub at the best of times without moronic abusers making the lifestyle look bad.RHP User
11 years ago
How can you have a Dom/Sub relationship if you just want casual encounters....isn't that counter intuitive ? xx Q
RHP User
11 years ago
Around 4 months to find my Sir and it was amazing who and what I encountered..... Thank you Fetlife for being a guiding angel on this one........... The differences between Doms is varied, depending on what their skills are, Dom/Subs have a relationship made of trust, respect and understanding... If they just want to inflict pain and 'dominate' I think that's called sadism.
On_Safari
11 years ago
I highly doubt and honestly believe are non-existent in a casual encounter as BigMumma says, they require trust, respect and intuitiveness that someone "playing" at being a Dom couldn't even remotely fathom if he/she thinks they are going to be "tying you to a chair and beating you". FFS ~ Indy, disgusted that something so utterly beautiful and amazing is cheapened by wannabes.
RHP User
11 years ago
You can't have a casual encounter, it takes time & trust & respect for dom sub relationship to develop. You can have play sessions though, as long as the trust & safe words are established. And many do. but they would be outside ds, as it takes an enormous amount of commitment & trust to do
RHP User
11 years ago
I agree wholeheartedly runawayjoincircuz.
RHP User
11 years ago
One in thousand? One in a lifetime if lucky enough to find right one. But yes, I've heard there are more subs than doms, could be urban myth?
RHP User
11 years ago
I trust Sir to read my body, I respect Sirs focus and attention and for myself, I love where my Sir can take me and what we mutually receive from the experience. We took a break due to lack of focus on his half and whilst I had to accept this, even my husband recognised that I was missing the experience in my life..... When Sir felt he was ready again, hubby gave me a hug and said he was happy for me. Sorry, it is special to find a Dom that connects
RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'RunAwayJoinCircz'
the fantasy of having someone take control taps into a very basic human need, and we all have self-esteem issues!
At risk of sounding negative again (like that ever stopped me...), however let me just say: WOW.
Saying that someone's submissive nature comes from them having self esteem issues is wrong on so many levels... and the fact that it's being posted in the thread called "Wannabe Doms" makes it so ironic... that I don't even want to elaborate.
Once again, WOW.RHP User
11 years ago
for the feedback. I don't think I can be truly either dominant or submissive. I am probably more dominant in everyday life but sexually submissive and I can switch very easily in both roles in bed or out and is often dependent on my mood. And even though I am naturally submissive sexually, I would be the most disobedient sub ever if it come to being told what to do. I would never toe the line.
On_Safari
11 years ago
Quoting 'ralf74' for the feedback. I don't think I can be truly either dominant or submissive. I am probably more dominant in everyday life but sexually submissive and I can switch very easily in both roles in bed or out and is often dependent on my mood. And even though I am naturally submissive sexually, I would be the most disobedient sub ever if it come to being told what to do. I would never toe the line. Personally I quite enjoy being the Dominant/Mistress BUT being the recipient is just soooooo much more stimulating!! SNAP on the "disobedient sub" thing but that just opens the door to some wrestling which is also soooooo much more stimulating!!!! lol
RHP User
11 years ago
Of someone dominating me makes me wanna run....the few times in my life that this had happened I did...and yeah I get the Dom/Sub psycho sexual dynamic,its just not for me.....maybe my self esteem is just too high:-) :-) :-) xx Q
RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'RunAwayJoinCircz'
It's a JOKE dude, lighten up and get over yourself.
Is the rest of that message also a 'joke', or just that part? :Dtamworthguy46
11 years ago
Quoting 'ralf74' And even though I am naturally submissive sexually, I would be the most disobedient sub ever if it come to being told what to do. I would never toe the line. Believe me, Everyone will submit, if that is what you wish to do, or you want done to you ?eg Even the toughest of men, will submit, All tied up, with a stiletto heel pressing down on one of his balls ! will be submissive as he crawls out of her Dungeon, as she spits on his red ass on the way out. LMAO
On_Safari
11 years ago
Quoting 'RunAwayJoinCircz'
Quoting 'I_N_D_A_G_I_N_E' Quoting 'ralf74' for the feedback. I don't think I can be truly either dominant or submissive. I am probably more dominant in everyday life but sexually submissive and I can switch very easily in both roles in bed or out and is often dependent on my mood. And even though I am naturally submissive sexually, I would be the most disobedient sub ever if it come to being told what to do. I would never toe the line. Personally I quite enjoy being the Dominant/Mistress BUT being the recipient is just soooooo much more stimulating!! SNAP on the "disobedient sub" thing but that just opens the door to some wrestling which is also soooooo much more stimulating!!!! lol
Wow nice photo Indy!
Off topic i know, just sayin'
You can be my Dom anytime :)....
I once got carried away and left a rather large crop welt on a Lover.....and he was none too impressed either. LOLmadotara69
11 years ago
run away and join a circus, probably because a mate of mine did that once.
But now I see it as a subliminal message.
twowithnolimits
11 years ago
caution: sometimes wannabee doms comment on wannabee doms
madotara69
11 years ago
Been domming Tara in the bedroom for years, she can't get enough of it.
RHP User
11 years ago
Its all about respect and submission of the mind . Once a mental and emotional bond is established the body has no choice but to follow.
On_Safari
11 years ago
So I can't comment though I'd hazard a guess that make-up has gotten better 😎
RHP User
11 years ago
It is a subject that interests me, however I don't know where to start, it sort of defeats the purpose to say I am a dom but I am learning. From all I have read it is all about respect and I believe that the girl has all the power and my view is it its the doms "job" to push all the right buttons and the sub should feel safe at all times even if the boundaries are being pushed. If you just want to use the term to be rough than "bluntly" your a tosser.
RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'RunAwayJoinCircz'
Quoting 'twowithnolimits' caution: sometimes wannabee doms comment on wannabee doms Ooooh, very cryptic, Make a point.
Not sure if that was aimed at anyone??
And ditto on the comment about Indy's new pic, very nice :)RHP User
11 years ago
Unless you have lived it and experienced it - it's like trying to explain a rainbow to a blind man. And, no, a one night stand may involve BDSM, but it will never show the relationship between a Master and his Sub as what it truly is - it will never let you experience the closeness, the emotional attachment or the tenderness that exist, even if one party is hurting the other party to tears. That is if that is what both have agreed upon when they first set out, or what has been amended with their relationship as it has changed over the years. Yes, I am a Sadist, and I will enjoy the gasp from my lovers mouth as I twist her nipples, or the squeal as I hit her bare bottom - and I will enjoy silencing her with a long kiss, before doing it again - yet - I personally could never imagine doing this with someone who didn't enjoy it. Or at all unless it has been discussed and accepted before. Communication is the key - if you are submissive ask questions, get a feel for the person, I do as a Master - to find out if there is compatibility - a submissive needs to be much more careful, as it is her safety at stakes. And always follow your gut - if something doesn't feel right - walk away - I didn't a few times - and the following problems just weren't worth the few seconds of pleasure. But as someone said before, a true dominant controls always. I can't turn it of and be meek for a day, I need to control my environment - or I am not true to myself. And that alone brings pleasure - being yourself. And yes, because every man and his dog nowadays is a Dom, I refuse to use the term. I prefer the proper Latin Term Dominus or it's English translation - Master.
RHP User
11 years ago
Hmmm.., yes there are a lot of fucked up individuals who like to pretend they are Dom/Domme as an ecuse for their selfish and nasty ways. Be wary of those eager to label themselves a Dom/DommeLimits and the subject's desire for pain (or not) need to be respected.Opening up a can of nasty for selfish pleasure of the person inflicting, with no pleasurable response from the person receiving is not the way to go. I live spanking, hair pulling and other Dom-like behaviour but don't for a second consider myself a Dom as I don't wish to be above anyone including sex partners. If rough sex and being retrained/spanked/bruised is the wanton desire of my partner then I'm all for that but it doesn't mean I leave any respect or desire for their pleasure at the door.It also doesn't mean I would ignore if they change their mind and want to back away from the 'punishment' (or reward if you look at it that way) And don't get me started on the number of cases I've heard where an excuse for a 'Dom/Domme' has got what he/she wanted and ignored after care for the sub. To me the after care is almost the best part. Good luck out there folks.. : )
RHP User
11 years ago
Way to many wannabes who don't really understand what it means and the different levels.
Safe words and setting of hard and soft limits is a must.
There are a few pages on FB dedicated to this subject, that offer help, advice and general discussion.
Huge turn on but requires an incredible amount of trust from the sub to place themselves in someone elses control. Have I tried yet, no, but is high on my list. Just have to find the right person to guide me and help me explore.RHP User
11 years ago
Was meant to add some of the FB pages: Master William The Dark Sir Whips, chains and Duct tape - The little playroom A Little Space
RHP User
11 years ago
It is interesting reading the comments, some informative, some not, but thats why we have forums etc to discuss.
I am an experienced Dom for in excess of 6 years. Never beaten anybody up, never caused an injury, yet enjoyed every second of the time , as has my partner at the time.
The Dom / Sub relationship can vary, but never become violent. The relationship is one of Trust, Respect and creating a total experience, not just a form of rough sex. There is great power in allowing a person to totally trust what you are doing. If not total trust, then I would be unlikely to continue, as I would not want to abuse the lifestyle of the BDSM world.
If questions come my way, more than happy to answer them.
Razor.RHP User
11 years ago
Caution until you feel comfortable with the supposed Dom. If not comfortable, then not a great idea to proceed. I have heard too many discussions that create doubt about genuine, experienced Doms. Its best to ask questions of them and if they become frustrated or short in their communication, chances are they are playing a game.
Just my thoughts and experience. :-)RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Missb72' Have come across it to... Very cautious now.
If cautious, most have a pretty good handle on their own intuition, which is more than likely accurate. If cautious, I would suggest not proceeding.RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Pleasure_Master' Unless you have lived it and experienced it - it's like trying to explain a rainbow to a blind man. And, no, a one night stand may involve BDSM, but it will never show the relationship between a Master and his Sub as what it truly is - it will never let you experience the closeness, the emotional attachment or the tenderness that exist, even if one party is hurting the other party to tears. That is if that is what both have agreed upon when they first set out, or what has been amended with their relationship as it has changed over the years. Yes, I am a Sadist, and I will enjoy the gasp from my lovers mouth as I twist her nipples, or the squeal as I hit her bare bottom - and I will enjoy silencing her with a long kiss, before doing it again - yet - I personally could never imagine doing this with someone who didn't enjoy it. Or at all unless it has been discussed and accepted before. Communication is the key - if you are submissive ask questions, get a feel for the person, I do as a Master - to find out if there is compatibility - a submissive needs to be much more careful, as it is her safety at stakes. And always follow your gut - if something doesn't feel right - walk away - I didn't a few times - and the following problems just weren't worth the few seconds of pleasure. But as someone said before, a true dominant controls always. I can't turn it of and be meek for a day, I need to control my environment - or I am not true to myself. And that alone brings pleasure - being yourself. And yes, because every man and his dog nowadays is a Dom, I refuse to use the term. I prefer the proper Latin Term Dominus or it's English translation - Master.
RHP User
11 years ago
for your perspective from a position of a real Dom. Even though your sexual world is not mine, it does interest me and it annoys me that some people take advantage of a title to abuse it. I would certainly dabble in it but not to a point where I would label myself as such.
Good luck to you all :)RHP User
11 years ago
I've had the opposite actually, guys say they are doms but then really have no idea or the confidence to pull it off and I'm left disappointed
- Posted from rhpmobileRHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'miss_tease' I've had the opposite actually, guys say they are doms but then really have no idea or the confidence to pull it off and I'm left disappointed
- Posted from rhpmobile there is a lot of truth to that. Maybe some are wanting to head in that direction but have no idea how to go about it. Good point! I have had more toys and restraints than most who have told me they are doms. Some have nothing but their attitude, maybe they need to go shopping.RHP User
11 years ago
My husband and I have been in a D/s relationship for over 15 years now. Im no expert but I believe Respect is the key to our relationship, well any relationship really. Abuse is abuse, tying a random stranger to a chair and having no discussion about where it's going to lead, safety aspects and what you both want to get out of it is a recipe for disaster. The 'sub' needs to take as much responsibility for allowing themselves to be tied up, just as much as the 'Dom/me'. Are they are true Dom/me? Are they a true sub? Or are they just starting out and require mentorship and guidance. You don't need to only be in a D/s relationship to respect your partner. I believe there is always one person who plays the D role and one who plays the s role, no matter how subtle it is. Being a 24/7 Dom/me is hard work, your mind is constantly thinking of your subs welfare and training can take years. Ultimately the sub has the final say on play. Once they Red, it's all over. D/s relationships aren't just about pain play. We partake in minimal pain play as my husband doesn't like pain so he serves me and I have secondary subs for pain play. I have a spreadsheet that is required to be filled out by potential subs and we have lengthy discussions on what we both want to get out of it. The process takes months before we get physical, with my last sub it was over 12 months... You talk about wannabe Doms...... You should try dealing with Do-me subs...... Lol
RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'miss_tease'I've had the opposite actually, guys say they are doms but then really have no idea or the confidence to pull it off and I'm left disappointed
- Posted from rhpmobile
I am not surprised miss_tease! You set a upper limit of 35 for the guys you want to meet, and at that age you may get someone just realising his dominant side, or someone who would have been involved in BDSM for just a short few years. It takes time and practise to master any trade or craft or skill. And the more you practise the better you get at something...RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'RunAwayJoinCircz'
Quoting 'ralf74' Quoting 'miss_tease' I've had the opposite actually, guys say they are doms but then really have no idea or the confidence to pull it off and I'm left disappointed
- Posted from rhpmobile there is a lot of truth to that. Maybe some are wanting to head in that direction but have no idea how to go about it. Good point! I have had more toys and restraints than most who have told me they are doms. Some have nothing but their attitude, maybe they need to go shopping. Possibly true, but personally i still say it's all about imagination. You can explore a lot of territory with scarves and a blindfold, It's all in the head I reckon
but they have never attempted to use anything but their strength.RHP User
11 years ago
Isn't it just a form of role playing - just like French maid- like teacher & student - secretary & boss- etc.. These guys that treat you rough & basically abusive are just pin heads.... I've been a dom & sub as I enjoy both & found some woman also don't know what it's like to be a dom either......communication, trust, respect, honesty & education is the key I think. There are so many levels from soft bdsm to the hardcore shit... Sex is supposed to be fun anyway.... Not every girl is a pornstar & neither are us men !!!!!
- Posted from rhpmobiletwowithnolimits
11 years ago
@bbtiger no it's not role -playing for everyone, for many its no more role playing than gays are role playing their sexuality, unfortunately a succession of exploitative movies, stereotyping and trashy novels sold in supermarkets has led to all manner of people saying they are into BDSM and the like. I am surprised as a dom you were not aware of that??
RHP User
11 years ago
I believe you are correct in some cases that these guys are wannabes/have serious issues. However, some of them may well have been taught to think they are being dominant by older...'pain sluts' is what they're called I believe. Either way, there is no excuse.
There was talk of Dom/sub safe word, and I think that is a great idea if that is the philosophy you have learned. I know some M/s relationships also use them. My personal preference is not to. Don't go mad, I will explain.
The slaves/subs I have had in the past received zero physical contact for quite some time, getting to know them, what they like and don't like and why. Not sexual things, things like...ice cream, fruit etc. Then more personal exploration of thought processes, feelings etc and the occasional stroke on the cheek or arm. Each time noting the differences in response.I learn her, mind first and then body. That way, I know by the way she moves, her expression, eye movement, her skin changes hue, even a difference in scent when she is at her limit or can go a little further. No, I don't mean pain threshold either.
I think a girl/woman who has given a man such a precious gift as that of her submission, deserves nothing less than to be appreciated by that man to learn as much as he possibly can about her and perhaps even teach her more about herself than she already knew before. To BUILD her and mold her, not just to suit him, but for her to grow in confidence and get past any issues she may have had.
If you do it in that order. Mind, body...heart and soul will follow and you will see how amazing she really is and how lucky you are.
I probably rambled, it is late. I appreciate the chance to do so though.
Be wellRHP User
11 years ago
with a guy I'd been talking to for quite a while.
everything that we discussed worked - not too perfectly - but enough to see we were on the same page
we met a few times to talk
first time alone in a house - all about the power and forcefulness
I couldn't get him out fast enough - but had to keep smiling til he left as he was a lot stronger than I was and I didn't need to see if he was someone who would get angry iykwimmadotara69
11 years ago
How can an Eagle soar when surrounded by turkeys, the only reason that one is not in hell is as the devil fears for his job
RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'twowithnolimits' @bbtiger no it's not role -playing for everyone, for many its no more role playing than gays are role playing their sexuality, unfortunately a succession of exploitative movies, stereotyping and trashy novels sold in supermarkets has led to all manner of people saying they are into BDSM and the like. I am surprised as a dom you were not aware of that??
Perfect.RHP User
10 years ago
Great topic and lots of salient replies from some experienced Doms. It takes years of discussion, interview and BDSM Checklists, let alone plays/scenes/gigs to become good at this. You learn over time to be creative, discreet, understanding, empathetic and competant. Anyone can fuck someone hard, pull their hair or hit them. There is hardly any skill in that although it is a fun way to fuck if your girl likes it rough. It was something IN Me. Always there, an omniprescent urge to go beyond social conditioning and seek new, taboo themes. Something I had to explore. Being a Gentleman Dom, helping a sub reach incredible highs and then caring for her after play is why I coudnt be anything else sexually. If the guy wants to jump your bones straight up without finding out about you and what makes you tick then He's not that genuine...Dom or not. The best Teacher of a Dom is a sub. And vice versa. D.
RHP User
10 years ago
As long as people have been fucking, there has been men pretending to be someone they aren't in order to get laid. Fact. Comes with the territory.
You should be 100% wary of anyone you meet online, regardless of the site you are on.
You should be especially wary when meeting internet 'Doms' from websites like these.
Being a Dom is so, so much more than being a dick. I am a Sensual Domme, and that means that I don't dominate with whips and chains, but instead with the mind and body.... pain does not need to be included if it's not to your partner's tastes. All of these things should be negotiated beforeso anyway. If he either doesn't care about/take you seriously when you bring up the above, get out.
You can't just slap someone in the tits and then degrade them with no warning.
I have encountered a LOT of wannabe Doms online, who are just looking to get their dick wet. They do become easier to spot. Good luck.... and don't trust anyone you don't know. Bottom line.RHP User
10 years ago
...with the way this was summed up by the OP on the first page.
There are plenty of abusers out there.
Otherwise, it's been said.
- Posted from rhpmobileRHP User
10 years ago
Hi Guys There is a great deal of confusion about what being Dom and sub really means, not only on here but also in the general community. As Qefenta2 indicated it is very difficult to establish a Dom/sub relationship on here but not impossible. What is first important to understand is that being Dom/sub is not Sadomasochism, well sort of not, Sadomasochism is just a much higher level of this type of relationship. Dom is not about causing pain and sub is not about receiving it. Many people get this confused and likewise it is not bondage. This is not to say that these other pursuits cannot intersect but it would be wrong to think that all Dom/subs are into pain (giving or receiving) or bondage. So what is Dominance and submission? A Dom controls the actions, emotions, and will of the sub but this does not always extend into sexual activity. It is more about the master seducing the slave with his dominance/power and the slave seducing the master with their willingness and servitude. Of course on RHP, being what it is, it is likely the Dom/sub relationship is also about sexual activity. This relationship exists between two mutually consenting adults. What many fail to understand is that the relationship goes both ways and they rely on each other to satisfy their needs. The Dom must be wise, strong (intellectually, physically, emotionally and psychologically) and respect and care for the welfare of the sub. The Dom will discipline and punish a sub but not necessarily physically, although in some relationships this may occur. A Dom also needs to be stronger than the other people in the subs life, which requires intelligence and all the other characteristics above. Therefore Dominance is not something you can act, you are either Dom or not. Some may carry it off for a short period of time but a true sub will pick it up very quickly. What also needs to be understood is that there is no one typical D/s relationship and again many people try to put it all in the same box. (Human need to categorise). Where it is difficult on RHP as a Dom is that many supposedly sub people expect the Dom to initiate the actions. This is immediately in conflict with this type of relationship. Usually the sub initiates most of the actions and the Dom is more the decision maker. In my situation as a Dom, I often receive supposedly sub women expecting me to do the chasing, providing my pics first, following them up etc. I have occasionally tried to “be nice” because of the difficulty with it being RHP and do this but find they are not really sub’s and it is largely a waste of time. It is my expectation that subs are attentive and quick to respond as a way of demonstrating they know how to behave, which on RHP very few do. This can sometimes be that some subs will not behave as a sub until they accept a master. There are also many that think the Dom relationship will just stand out immediately in the messaging between each other. If it does the two have either been very lucky to strike it right or it is just bullshit. For me any potential relationships need to be discussed within a face to face environment, there needs to be a physical sense of presence for the Dom or sub to really know if it is right. Which many would say this is the same for everyone, but it is my experience the need for this gut understanding is more required in a Dom/sub attraction. Like some have also commented on here, I cannot see how multiple casual relationships can exist in a Dom/sub situation. The complexity is far too great and I would be interested to hear if anyone thinks differently. Many people also think being Dom is about being aggressive or “full on” and even some of the guys on here who like to take a dig at Dom’s really just demonstrate their ignorance when they are not happy that the Dom does not respond back in an aggressive manner. A true Dom knows the game is more psychological and long term and not short term gains from pissing competitions. Vary rarely is an experienced Dom out of control, there is always strategy and they are very used to playing the long game. In contrast many people also assume that subs are lacking intelligence or a weak, which is also just wrong. In fact it is my experience that more often they are highly intelligent and big thinkers. Having a Dom provides them with an avenue for release from this. Those I have experienced who are weak usually don’t cope in a Dom relationship for long because it has not been a real decision for them, just more a behavioural issue. There is so much more to Dom/sub and even what is written is very general, I just cannot fit it into one post. Heaps of info on the net if you are interested and understand the differences discussed above then you shouldn’t go wrong in finding the good info.
Hope this assists and happy for any Dom/subs to comment.RHP User
10 years ago
I had been chatting with some time ago claimed to be a dom and I was questioning what he gets out of it and then I asked him what would be the worst thing he would want to do to me. His response was that he wanted to tie me to a chair and beat me up. Sorta glad he confessed that before I met him. I was pretty wary about him before that anyway so nothing was ever going to eventuate but that really put me off many people contacting me from the lifestyle.
RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'ralf74' I had been chatting with some time ago claimed to be a dom and I was questioning what he gets out of it and then I asked him what would be the worst thing he would want to do to me. His response was that he wanted to tie me to a chair and beat me up. Sorta glad he confessed that before I met him. I was pretty wary about him before that anyway so nothing was ever going to eventuate but that really put me off many people contacting me from the lifestyle. People like this are not likely Dom. Even in the upper levels of Dom/sub the situations are still highly managed and in agreement with each other. That is not to say there aren’t extremes but usually well controlled. Violence and abuse is very different and why I have in my profile that I am not violent. In fact I am very attentive in the right Dom/sub relationship, but being attentive does not mean I submit.
RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'DomOvrU' Quoting 'ralf74' I had been chatting with some time ago claimed to be a dom and I was questioning what he gets out of it and then I asked him what would be the worst thing he would want to do to me. His response was that he wanted to tie me to a chair and beat me up. Sorta glad he confessed that before I met him. I was pretty wary about him before that anyway so nothing was ever going to eventuate but that really put me off many people contacting me from the lifestyle. People like this are not likely Dom. Even in the upper levels of Dom/sub the situations are still highly managed and in agreement with each other. That is not to say there aren’t extremes but usually well controlled. Violence and abuse is very different and why I have in my profile that I am not violent. In fact I am very attentive in the right Dom/sub relationship, but being attentive does not mean I submit. and exactly why I made this thread. It annoys me that people use the lifestyle as an excuse for violence. It makes the lifestyle into something it is not and gives people who might consider trying it the impression that is what it is.
RHP User
10 years ago
this quote from an unknown author sums up what BDSM is too me -"BDSM offers a method for exploration of the human experience like no other. Within the context of all BDSM play, normal constraints are abandoned, taboos are ignored, power dynamics are shifted and conventional roles are altered or exchanged. BDSM allows freedom to explore the psycho-sexual landscape in highly personal, liberating, powerful and often profound ways."
it will mean different things to different people but that is the nature of life... people are unique individuals...twowithnolimits
10 years ago
Wondering how many of the guys on here speaking earnestly of domdom are actually in 24/7 D/s relationships with a full time sub? And how many of those have been in that relationship for say 2~3 years, 5+ years, 10+years??
kinky_and_bi
10 years ago
I'm generally submissive, but when I switch in to a Dominant role, I find that what really drives me is to see my submissive enjoying herself. Having playing both roles, I understand that unless the submissive can feel safe and trust the Dom, it's impossible for them to relax and not worry about their own safety and give themselves over. This takes time.
Agree with another poster - intelligence and strong people make the best subs. I'm not sure I'm either, but I still try, and try to be the best sub I can be!RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'twowithnolimits' Wondering how many of the guys on here speaking earnestly of domdom are actually in 24/7 D/s relationships with a full time sub? And how many of those have been in that relationship for say 2~3 years, 5+ years, 10+years??
It is worth noting that this is not just a guy’s thing, there are many women exploring this in either Dom or sub roles at low levels as well.
Demographically there is a very small percentage of people who live 24/7 D/s relationships globally. My experience is that RHP acts more as an entry point for many wanting to experience this, with a few serious players who are life stylers. But it is also worth understanding that there are a wide variety of levels within the D/s lifestyle. Try Googling "The nine levels of submission".
That all being said a true Dom cannot choose what he/she is. True Doms are Alpha's and even if not in a D/s relationship they remain Alpha in their character and this shows in their life, employment etc. There are different types of Alpha's. Some lead through fear, using pain and threat to control and drive those within their life into compliance with their wishes. Some lead through physical dominance, using their physical attributes to 'handle' the less physically capable and both of these inevitably fall victim to the dominant who lead's through the strongest combination of all - intellect, intuition, strategy and focused will.
Personally, I don’t not believe that those who lead through pain and fear are Alpha’s they are often week mid-level personalities who prey on those below them and nip at the heels of those above. There is an argument that this is strategy and hence dominance and I can see the basis for this as many end up in positions of power, but I don’t necessarily relate the acquisition of power as a true measure of natural dominance. It comes back to that old quote that “Power is given, not taken” an intellectual/strategic Alpha knows this and therefore dominates people who are willing to hand that power to them and will even fight for the Alpha because he/she is the natural protector.RHP User
10 years ago
We see dom is the one in the rship that advises their partner in many areas with the bedroom resulting in the build up of these areas. These areas may include looks, dress, finances etc. Advise does not mean telling the other it means one seeks guidance while the other guides. However, both have equal input in the final decision.
twowithnolimits
10 years ago
Then one is not a dominant merely a partner providing advice as all partners do in a relationship. A dominant in the sexual sense has a more specific culturally accepted meaning...
All women ask their man what to wear, doesn't mean he is expected to answer LOLRHP User
10 years ago
Also excercising, dietary, how much to spend etc
RHP User
10 years ago
I have had subs over the years and have been a bdsm and fet member.I have trained subs but also guided them on what to look out for its sadguys come to these sites just to abuse these girls and it also makesgirls leave and deny there sub side.Down side is there is not much you can do about it.
RHP User
10 years ago
i have heard so many stories of women being treated as such, but after listening to some very open doms, and sharing their view on what it is to be a dom its far from what people read or see and really limit themselves if they continue to see women as a whipping post so to speak.
RHP User
10 years ago
I have just got back into being a Dom or Master after 3years of trying to settle with one woman near my age.To be submissive and give your body for bondage andthe lash takes courage and trust.A Dom has to respect that and not betray that trust orto abuse that trust.This is why I have 4 girls 3 ran away after much abusefrom bullshit Doms and came to me to learn.Fetlife is a good site but on the down side ex wife bashersand abusive guys go there and say there Doms.One question weeds these guys out----Ask--What would my Dom do for me and how canI serve my Dom.The bond between sub and Dom can be greater than anyvanilla relationship/closer and trusting.
twowithnolimits
10 years ago
"One question weeds these guys out----"
there it is folks just one question and its all sorted LOL
a relationship cannot be reduced to one anything if ti were that simple trashy book publishers would go out of business ;-)RHP User
10 years ago
A true Dom would give the right answer
RHP User
10 years ago
Well ... A Doms role is to provide the Sub with what they like. It's a Doms task to provide the right opportunities and contexts for the Sub to give what they wish to give. A good Sub-Dom relationship rests 90 percent in the fantastic mind games they can play with each other.
So ... the Sub needs to know and communicate what they want to give and the Dom has to listen, comprehend and respect the message.
Its a dodgy or inexperienced Dom who believe a Sub is there for entirely their own gratification. That kind of Abuse is not sexy.RHP User
10 years ago
You discribe sm Not necessarily d/s First of all research and find out which Avenues of submission you interested Then ask your self if u able commit ( mentaly . Time wise , lifestyle) When u sure and clear ull be able Finding proper Dom as well as recognise The wannabe in the first 5 min Good luck
RHP User
9 years ago
It is pretty easy to spot these guys really. Normally Dominants are highly intelligent, they know a lot of stuff and have enquiring minds. They have a great deal of empathy. And an understanding of the human condition. The guys you are describing don't seem to be that at all. And really I can't speak for other dominant males but I would have no objection to being politely asked if I could explain what domination meant to me, what my views were. This syndrome goes both ways of course with the wannabe subs, also easy to pick. Laundry list subs I'm doing this I'm not doing this I want this I don't want that. You just roll your eyes. Then there are the potty mouth subs who write to you describing themselves in a very derogatory way, way over the top, they hardly know me. That sort of thing should come much later if at all. The issue is who wants to dominate someone with low self esteem, and little intellect. Not me. I am a fan of the finer things in life. It's probably not possible anyway as this is all about the erotic mind at its core, the various activities are just expressions of that core, not the actual point itself. Regards Greg
RHP User
9 years ago
As a Dominant I have a bit of a philosophy on what I believe are my responsibilities in that role. - First, foremost and utmost is a dominant's responsibility for the physical and mental protection of his submissive. This extends to respecting her hard limits and boundaries and if you are going to approach those boundaries do so at an acute angle and not slam head first into them like a runaway truck.- Trust is essential not just in the submissive trusting their Dom/Domme but being able to trust your submissive to use the safe word and not endanger themselves trying to show off or impress. A sub must be able to trust that you will immediately cease on hearing the safe word and begin aftercare or remediation.- Mentoring and expanding your Submissive's experience is your responsibility. If you run out of ideas or are short on imagination do some research, read some forums and fetish sites and offer new experiences.- Know the kinks and fetishes and particularly the fantasies your Submissive if wanting. It's not all about you.
I think that this whole Fifty Shades thing has produced so many dangerous wannabe's that our lifestyle is at risk of being damaged and many gorgeous souls steered away through bad experiences. I would suggest to any inexperienced submissives to ask your prospective Dom/Domme what they believe their responsibilities and philosophy on the lifestyle is.kinky_and_bi
9 years ago
His first 2 points are what keep the Dom and the sub both safe, and the second 2 points are what keeps the sub. As a bi sub guy, I have encountered a lot of male Doms who are selfish about what they want and just want to get off and that's it. While these encounters can satisfy an itch, they don't leave one wanting to go back for more. In some cases, I've actually felt unsafe while in their hands and that is a massive turn off.
cbdlivin
9 years ago
I agree with the points on the Doms that are selfish. As a Dom if you are thinking about yourself and not your sub you are in the wrong place as your point of focus is always on the sub.
The comment on Fifty Shades of Grey, it is so true it has done so much damage to the BDSM community with the wannabe Doms thinking this is how Doms should be and causing so many issues and some subs who take this as the way things should be, and then of course the rest of the people thinking that if you are a Dom you really are an a-hole...RHP User
9 years ago
Like everything in life "Doms" or "Dommes" are individuals... and vary in intensity and harshness/softness... to each their own and they with find those that match their type of Domliness.
Life is a continuum.
HarleyQandMrO
6 years ago
Quoting 'DomOvrU'
Hi Guys
There is a great deal of confusion about what being Dom and sub
really means, not only on here but also in the general community.
As Qefenta2 indicated it is very difficult to establish a
Dom/sub relationship on here but not impossible.
What is first important to understand is that being Dom/sub
is not Sadomasochism, well sort of not, Sadomasochism is just a much higher
level of this type of relationship. Dom is not about causing pain and sub is
not about receiving it. Many people get this confused and likewise it is not
bondage. This is not to say that these other pursuits cannot intersect but it
would be wrong to think that all Dom/subs are into pain (giving or receiving)
or bondage.
So what is Dominance and submission?
A Dom controls the actions, emotions, and will of the sub
but this does not always extend into sexual activity. It is more about the
master seducing the slave with his dominance/power and the slave seducing the
master with their willingness and servitude. Of course on RHP, being what it
is, it is likely the Dom/sub relationship is also about sexual activity.
I could not agree with you more, people are very confused about this relationship and I get very frustrated trying to explain it to inexperienced people. I have been a Dom for a number of years and take duty of care for subs very seriously. It is a face to face conversation about needs, wants, fetishes, kinks and desires, everything must be taken in to consideration and they must be completely honest, it is not something that can be jumped into. Boundaries should be explored and pushed, but not broken, as in a fit of aggression, or carrying out something that has not been discussed, if this happens, the Dom will lose the Subs trust and willingness to serve. We are there to protect our subs to some degree.
All Doms / Subs have different requirements and not all Dom / Subs are compatible. I am open to meeting many needs, but I do draw a line at some fetishes, they are just not for me, so a sub with these desires would not work.
I do not have intercourse with my subs, it's not what this is about, I meet their needs in other ways and I am usually fully dressed. There is no stereotypical Dom or Sub, just the desire to dominate and the need to please. This is NOT role playing, we are not in character, but being true and honest to ourselves and we come from all walks of life.
At the end of any session, I ensure my sub is well and will hug them and talk to them until they feel ready to go, I think this is incredibly important, to bring them back to reality and to show compassion.
Just food for thought, a Dom has power and dominates over the Sub, but it is the Sub that indicates what their needs and desires are and the Dom fulfills these needs, so who really is in charge?
Glad to see some of us know what we are doing.
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