F65
Unsupportive friends giving inappropriate advice
March 25 2017
Comments
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RHP User
9 years ago
...I just steal their car, paint it to look like a bus then charge the arseholes $20 for a ride into the city? ''G'day, how ya goin' all right'' also shits me...if you're going to ask me a question then don't answer before I can yell out.... ''Nooooo, today sucks!" Thus endeth my daily rant!
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RHP User
9 years ago
Whenever I've has a "friend" go down that path with me whilst being "supportive", I've reassessed what that particular friendship was bringing me. If it was only hollow pseudo psychological advice that they were not genuine about, I reassessed them as friends and quickly shut that relationship down. Friendships will always have differing levels of intimacy an interaction, we are naturally closer to some people then others. however, I believe that if it is not positive then its not friendship.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I think the biggest problem anyone ever has is when no one can be bothered giving you advice at all. That's when you know for sure nobody gives a shit. So I think one should be grateful for any advice given. Most of it comes from a good place and the advice that doesn't, well we are all big enough, to know what works for us and discard the rest. We take what we need from any given situation I'm sure I have given inappropriate advice. But you know, I sure as shit don't stress over it, if no one takes it, like who am I to know it all and to dish it out anyway ?
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RHP User
9 years ago
why can't people just say ah jeez, sorry to hear that, can I do anything to help?At least offer some constructive assistance.
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RHP User
9 years ago
What they said seems quite reasonable? - Posted from rhpmobile
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DynamicCouple36
9 years ago
That most people are dealing with their own problems and issues .... Life has become so insincere ... man eats dog etc - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
Pfft, bugger off Cypher, I'm seeing how deep this rabbit hole of RHP goes. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
a modicum of sympathetic moral support from the friends.Wasn't after any kind of advice from them at all.
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Cheekyarses
9 years ago
Unsupportive friends disappoint me as when something happens to them - I listen to them, try and help and put my issues aside to give them the support they need. I suggest next time something happens to them, don't get on their level - still be the better person. Hope things get better for you x Mrs C c - Posted from rhpmobile
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cleopatrababe
9 years ago
Unfortunately as u get older u become more invisible to a lot of people ,,, ageism is very much alive out there and we are treated as if we need to be put away in a home for the deluded ,, i had a friend give me a floral skirt and pink blouse i nearly died as i still like to wear up to date trendy clothes and always will hopefully , she obviously dosent know me as far as advice when needing it , there is none u just have to get on with it the best u can ,, its a dog eat dog world out there and there is little empathy we have as humans become numb to so much ,, we see it every day on our screens ,, via phones , computer , tv , we have to try and stay positive in our own lives and appreciate all we have ,,
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RHP User
9 years ago
But really what most people actually want when things are a bit shit is just to be heard. That's why "good listeners"are so highly valued. And also why inappropriate advice grates so much, it highlights gthe fact you haven't been heard.
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RHP User
9 years ago
the best advice available tends to come from people able to offer their own direct personal experience of the same or similar situation. The advice those experienced individuals offer may or may not be appropriate to your own specific circumstances or needs (for any particular issue/purpose for which advice is sought). Whilst in this instance your friends may have had the best of intentions, the responses you relay suggest they have no direct or relevant experience that might qualify them to offer helpful advice. Further, whilst I understand how someone may slip in your estimation, I think it not likely any more help to you to entirely write-off your friendships on the basis of poorly judged responses to your appeal for help or a sympathetic ear. People are regularly tested by adverse events and gain strength and confidence by the experience. This past week for you is an unnecessary headache, I'm sure. You will manage, and I'm sure you will be able to put it behind you before long. Your biggest problem may be the damage to your own perception of your friends... When you're really tested, you'll know you've been introduced to the concept of "fair weather friends". Don't Quit.
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missy_mo0
9 years ago
The worst piece of advice I ever received '' you're not the only widow out there, get over it'' - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
Op Firstly you answered your own topic. A real friend wouldn't tell you what to do but offer any help for a start.How can i help fixing you car ?? They would listen to you and not put there bad advice forward. Nothing positive comes from I'll advice or someone else's personal opinion. Friends may have good intentions sometimes but also put there own views across without considering yourselves first.? Sorry to hear about your car. Your personal health is just as important as your mental health and both co exist together. But I'm not giving any advice here ok. 😉😉😉😎 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
I have had cars broken into and/or stolen no fewer than seven times over the years... I know how that cookie crumbles. You'll find you can get your car repaired entirely satisfactorily and relatively inexpensively using second hand parts from a motor wrecker. It will help if you know someone with some mechanical nouse (if you are not personally capable with hand tools). I no longer leave any items of value in my car at any time (and in fact, my current wheels would not be attractive to thieves for either parts, ram raids, or joy rides). The more expensive vehicles I've had in recent years have all been company leased vehicles. (I won't even novate a lease). All care, no(t much) responsibility.
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RHP User
9 years ago
... friends want to be helpful without realising that they've just given inappropriate advice. They don't always have to tell us what we want to hear. If I've done a dumbass thing and there's a better way to do something using another method, I want to hear about it because maybe they are right. Nothing's stopping me from telling them their idea wouldn't work and why if it truly isn't a good idea. If I'm walking around looking ridiculous with my new eye makeup, I want them to tell me so that I'll stop parading around the city looking like a clown / panda and making a huge fool of myself. In your scenario, the friend who suggested catching a bus was probably offering a viable suggestion that might help to prevent the same thing from re-occuring. That expense is ouch! 🤥 That other comment about getting a Life Coach to learn coping mechanisms is a bit rude! You had a frustrating week, that happens to the best of us, and a friend would allow you to talk about that. Anyone would balk at the robbery and repair cost! That doesn't mean you couldn't cope! The best of us have foot in the mouth syndrome at the worst of times. 😛 If it's bad advice, but the intentions are good and the friend has a good heart, I'd cut them some slack. It's not just about dealing with their inappropriate advice - it's also about being a friend and forgiving them for any moments of foolishness sometimes and also accepting them for their unique personalities which might account for their weird ways sometimes. For all you know, they might think they were being helpful and had no idea they had offended you! 😉
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RHP User
9 years ago
... with Kittyesque about being grateful for any advice given. At the very least, they were listening to you when you were talking! 😉
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RHP User
9 years ago
...many friends and acquaintances who are in a good place, find it easy to hand out life advice from a comfortable position.Which is what many of us are in most of the time.When the going's good, it's easy to forget it not like that for everyone.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'kissmoi' The worst piece of advice I ever received '' you're not the only widow out there, get over it'' - Posted from rhpmobile Sounds angry. Did you tell her/him to "Get fucked..?" Would've made me feel better.
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AnnieWhichway
9 years ago
What advice we want to hear. It's the affirmation, the confirmation, the support. Let's face it. We get advice, then do what we were going to do anyway
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RHP User
9 years ago
When have you been given inappropriate advice that made you think WTF? Recently, I commented to a few colleagues that I felt stressed about working the next day because from the schedule, it looked like it might be one of those terribly crazy-busy days where I'll be on my feet and running around with possibly no lunch break. Another colleague walked by, overheard my conversation, and immediately said it'll be ok, when so-and-so was assigned the same task, they did well. So did another so-and-so. I truly just wanted to vent. I didn't need someone who isn't even in the same profession, giving me comparisons, making me feel like I couldn't cope. I'm very sure I do well with my 15 years of experience, thank you very much! I was venting about the anticipated high stress levels and working under high pressure, which all my colleagues in the same profession have experienced and fully empathise. I certainly didn't need some smart alec's scathing comment.
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RHP User
9 years ago
On your relationship with the person giving the advice...how much weight do you give to what they say? If it is a very close friend than someone who is not much more than an acquaintance.If they are using this opportunity to put you down then I would not call them a friend because their motivation is questionable. But OP,you HAVE friends,people in your life who are supportive of you.Perhaps next time you vent,you could preface it with a "I am not looking for advice,I just need to vent" Q
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RHP User
9 years ago
Cleopatra, Peony, Meander and others who totally get where I was coming from.I was quite upset and depressed and feeling like I was at my limit of frustration between work and personal challenges.The fact that you all took the time to respond to my vent has made me feel better and more supported which then assists me to cope with the week ahead and in particular juggling appointments and arrangements around in order to manage without the car for up to a week. Thank you so much, love ya, have a great Sunday xo
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MissBishere
9 years ago
I changed my eating plan at the end of last year to feel healthier. I have this one friend that I just don't find supportive. He doesn't say anything with words directly it's more that he constantly tempts with other choices. Guess that's my issue rather then his as I need to be strong but it will end up that we can't eat together as there is never any consideration of what I can eat. When I do bring it up and make a comment about the carb content or suggest something different it's either ignored or belittled. The struggles of friendship. I totally get where you are coming from to OP often I just want to vent and I don't want people advice or sympathy or anything just an ear so I can get it out and then move on. I don't vent about work to anyone in my family anymore as I'm sick of being told how to handle things. Luckily my dog is great listener. 😁
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markgreggson
9 years ago
Some have it. And I will give what I believe is caring and helpful advice. Whatever they take from that is totally out of my hands. A true close friend should always know how and what to say. Keep them and use the others as optional information if it makes sense and is helpful. But mostly they all mean well otherwise I doubt they would offer the help.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Be grateful that there are people in your life that give a crap about you enough to care... Period...😛 Intentions are what matter ...this world can be a cold and lonely place for a lot of people... If someone bothered to take time out of their lives to care about my shit...I would just be glad I have them xx
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RHP User
9 years ago
If we look at your situation objectively, it is pretty traumatic! Having your car broken into is akin to having your safety and privacy invaded and violated by a complete stranger / strangers. You've been the passive receipient of a terribly aggressive act by someone intending to steal things from you. It isn't trivial in any way! And we haven't even looked at the cost issue yet! Having to foot a huge bill that's unexpected and through no fault of our own can send some of our monthly budgets straight into the red! Not all of us have a huge savings account for rainy days so I feel lots of ouchies thinking of that. On top of all that, you have to change your daily routine and either factor in extra time for public transport and be subject to the peak hour crush, the delays, etc or take taxis or Uber rides and up goes your cost again. It's inconvenient, expensive and disruptive. I already feel mucho stressed out just thinking of your situation and typing it all out! :P I still think that friend who suggested the coping mechanisms thing lacks a sympathy gene. He/She is probably so fixated on his/her own issues in life that everyone else's issues get unfairly marginalised compared to theirs. That remark shows that he/she thinks what you are facing is trivial compared to what he/she is facing. Hmm...guess who really needs the coping skills? ;)
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RHP User
9 years ago
What I hate is when the comeback is just a story about their bad luck but way worse than yours, Is that supposed to make me feel better ? For what it's worth I think insurance is a con. Buy a car you can afford, if you've borrowed money most of the premium is insuring the lender. Excess is just salt in the wound.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Some people like to tell other people what to do - it's annoying when the envelope is pushed, but usually their hearts are in the right place. I do the 'nod' 'smile' and internally ignore technique in response.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'Rick_Blaine' But really what most people actually want when things are a bit shit is just to be heard. That's why "good listeners"are so highly valued. And also why inappropriate advice grates so much, it highlights gthe fact you haven't been heard. I have experienced things that most people really don't understand, unless they've experienced it themselves. I've learned that although people mean well, most will jump straight to giving advice that a lot of the time actually makes the situation worse, so I need to be selective about who I tell about certain aspects of my life. The people I tell are those that I know won't try to solve my problems - because they know they can't solve them - and rather just provide a non-judgmental ear and a bit of empathy. Those sort of people are pretty rare, and are worth their weight in gold.
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RHP User
9 years ago
absolutely it shits me to tears. Advice should never be given unless asked for, and even then, best to clarify if they want it sugar coated or warts & all lol I'm a kind of warts & all person, if they want an honest opinion, they've come to the right place only if requested though. I find it really condescending when my character or way I dress or anything about me on a personal level, draws negative or critical comment, when I couldn't give a crap what anyone thinks most of the time. If I wanted advice or help, I'd ask. To break down the condescending part, the way we do things might not meet with their approval, but we don't want to be them ?? Perfectly happy being like we are
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RHP User
9 years ago
talking RL, no digs at anyone on here, but if you ask me nicely, I'll see what I can do
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'Sailbadthesinner' What I hate is when the comeback is just a story about their bad luck but way worse than yours, Is that supposed to make me feel better ? For what it's worth I think insurance is a con. Buy a car you can afford, if you've borrowed money most of the premium is insuring the lender. Excess is just salt in the wound. I agree with the second part of you post. I've steered clear of finance companies for vehicles, and have learned many of the skills I need to keep all manner of life's costs down. (Quite proud of my shed, which will itself become mobile before long). Not sure if the second part of your post was a shot across my bow (?) The points to my second post were to reinforce my first post: (a) I do have extensive direct experience at the hands of thieves and f@cking vandals (unlike the fabled tales of "a friend of a friend who knew a guy whose uncle..."), and so others may find relevance in my post; and (b) I've also learned the difference between true friends and "fair weather friends". I think it's bad enough the thieves have incurred damage and expense in respect of the vehicle; I think it worse still that the actions of that thieving mongrel should also incur damage to the friendships of his victim (in the form of doubt and/or resentment).
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RHP User
9 years ago
No shots fired.
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RHP User
9 years ago
When my marriage broke up it seemed to surprise a lot of my friends and work colleagues. When asked why I left I would basically summarize my situation as ''I couldn't see the point of staying with someone who thought I deserved to be humiliated and tortured a few times a year, for days at a time, for her own amusement''. From my female friends I would get, without exception, ''absolutely, no point in being with someone like that, move on''. From my male friends, however, I mostly (not always) got ''yeah but that's marriage, that's just what you have to put up with''. Sorry, what? It's just a part of life, you just have to put up with it? For the rest of your life? I remember at the time being genuinely confused, thought I would get more sympathy from my male friends, took me a while to realize that most women have endured an emotionally abusive relationship at one point or another in their lives. Blokes, not so much.
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