F103
The witholding of intimacy
March 26 2013
Comments
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RHP User
13 years ago
Hi yes i was in a 28 year marriage and the last 10 were as you discribe. Its a complex situation with many contributing factors. For me i got the guts once the kids where 16 and up to leave. Very hard. Now 2 years later it has been so good for my own welbeing. Not to say the marriage was bad but i could not be who i am. I now am me and people around me notice it. I met a wonderfull lady on this site and we are free mentaly and physicaly and it sooo refreshing. My underground world is now above ground and we meet other couples both socialy and sexualy. Funny that most have similar experiences. hope that helps. Alan
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RHP User
13 years ago
Very painful to constantly feel rejected. Especially when he chooses to watch porn and wank than come to bed with me. This absolutely destroyed my self esteem which I'm sure made me even more unattractive to him. We went to marriage counselling. It was clear that he'd 'checked out' already. Then eventually he had affairs and so began the lies (lying being the soul destroying thing). Vicious cycle really that I'd rather not dwell on. Soul destroying if you let it be. Liberating if you so choose. I chose the latter.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I have always had a high sex drive but unfortunately it was driven away by both marriages I had. The first husband was in the Navy and spent 4 out of 7 years at sea. It became apparent when I fell pregnant with our son that he was being unfaithful. As he had asked me if it was his and I new from that day on that the marriage was destined to fail. It was unproven of course but when I did not want to have sex he would accuse me of a affair. Which in fact I think his own guilt was driving him to verbally abuse me. It was when my son was 14 months old I decided to leave the marriage.My second husband was a great father, husband friend and the sex was abundant once again. However once again after the birth of our son together my sex drive dwindled for a short period of time. It was then that I realised that I had always been the one to intiate the sex. so feeling like my husband no longer wanted to have sex with me. I began to play sport and lose the baby weight and felt great again. Unfortunalty he never once asked for sex in the whole 15 yrs of marriage. After many years of dicussing this it never was resloved and there was lucky to be sex once a year. He finally gave up on the marriage and now lives with a man. However he still cant admit his sexuality.So for me single again and never will I ever be with a man that doesnt want me and respect me. Sex drive is high once again and loving it.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'catbalou' Hi yes i was in a 28 year marriage and the last 10 were as you discribe. Its a complex situation with many contributing factors. For me i got the guts once the kids where 16 and up to leave. Very hard. Now 2 years later it has been so good for my own welbeing. Not to say the marriage was bad but i could not be who i am. I now am me and people around me notice it. I met a wonderfull lady on this site and we are free mentaly and physicaly and it sooo refreshing. My underground world is now above ground and we meet other couples both socialy and sexualy. Funny that most have similar experiences. hope that helps. Alan Same here. Jumping that hurdle and escaping it is the hardest thing and then sorting out everything while your emotionally messed up makes you stronger in the long run. 10 years of not even getting so much as a kiss then I chose freedom after 16 years of marriage, met someone on not this but another adult site and have had a great time since. Great to see you came out of it a better person and that you did it in a decent manner and have a great future ahead of you. :)
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RHP User
13 years ago
There has been ZERO touching . He has extremely poor hygiene and no matter how much I asked him to make an effort he wouldn't . He decided it was easier to just give up the physical contact. No surprise we have just separated - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
13 years ago
yes, with my ex husband who finally admitted he was suffering from depression, which was why he had closed off from any intimacy. It was a long road for him with medical intervention etc but too late for us. I had to leave with the kids cause he was too unpredictable,
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RHP User
13 years ago
In my last relationship there was no sex for the last year, and no real intimacy (physically nor emotionally) for maybe twice as long. The first few of our eight years together were incredibly passionate, as we were both very tactile people with very high sex drives. And we genuinly loved and liked each other. However, as a long-denied midlife crisis took hold, he withdrew and (in my eyes) slowly turned into an impatient, bitter and finally very angry man. I know he didn't cheat, and he was never really interested in porn. Had he slept with someone else without coming to me first, I would have been devastated and have felt utterly deceived and betrayed.. However, his utter refusal to admit he was having problems, or blame them on me, was just as gut wrenching to me, and both my self esteem and sense of self worth took a real hit. I asked myself if I was not good enough, not attractive enough, not interesting enough, not... You get the idea. It wasn't until the witholding of affection turned into verbal and emotional abuse, that I finally saw that it had nothing to do with me, and I called it quits. I've been on my own for almost a year now, and have never felt less alone. Never again will I be with someone whose eyes don't light up when he sees me, who is not willing to take me in his arms for no reason, and who does not make me feel like I belong right there.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Cheers to all you lovely brave people for stepping out and grabbing life back. Don't dwell on why it took you so long etc. It just did and now you are out so just accept that things happen when they do and not before you are truly ready and there is nothing wrong with that. Onwards and upwards from here on. Best of luck and good wishes sent your way. You deserve everything you wish for so go out and get it if you don't have it already. It's not easy and those that love you should be proud of your strength.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Foxy
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Ms_Devious' In my last relationship there was no sex for the last year, and no real intimacy (physically nor emotionally) for maybe twice as long. The first few of our eight years together were incredibly passionate, as we were both very tactile people with very high sex drives. And we genuinly loved and liked each other. However, as a long-denied midlife crisis took hold, he withdrew and (in my eyes) slowly turned into an impatient, bitter and finally very angry man. I know he didn't cheat, and he was never really interested in porn. Had he slept with someone else without coming to me first, I would have been devastated and have felt utterly deceived and betrayed.. However, his utter refusal to admit he was having problems, or blame them on me, was just as gut wrenching to me, and both my self esteem and sense of self worth took a real hit. I asked myself if I was not good enough, not attractive enough, not interesting enough, not... You get the idea. It wasn't until the witholding of affection turned into verbal and emotional abuse, that I finally saw that it had nothing to do with me, and I called it quits. I've been on my own for almost a year now, and have never felt less alone. Never again will I be with someone whose eyes don't light up when he sees me, who is not willing to take me in his arms for no reason, and who does not make me feel like I belong right there. Well i hope you find that knight in shining armour Ms-D,sounds like you deserve one,jsk
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RHP User
13 years ago
My ex wife, withdrew pretty much as soon as we fell pregnant with our first, and if I may share just a little too much info with you all; comments such as "every time you touch me, I just want to vomit" come to mind, lol 5 years later, I became broken, and so was the marriage.....best thing she did was leave :)- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
13 years ago
When my married life came to an end... for details see the thread "Desire,have you ever woken up". Basically the sex dried up in September last year and the non sexual intimacy dried up in the intervening time up to December when it all came to a conclusion. This after more than 11 years together (nearly 12). Impact.. devastating to start with, however talking to friends, a therapist and with the ex wife has helped ease the pain. There is still the emptiness that I would dearly love to fill with someone however I have come to the realisation that to properly recover and give someone the better side of me, and all I can be, I need to (for lack of a better description) reconnect with myself, get out in the real world with real people who are unfamiliar and ultimately relearn how to have fun (thus last Fridays RHP get together). I know I could go and find some sexual intimacy any time (hell I could buy it if needs be) but the other forms of intimacy will be hard to trust from someone else for some time to come. As my mum said (when she started talking to me again) "Time heals everything."
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'paintme' Very painful to constantly feel rejected. Especially when he chooses to watch porn and wank than come to bed with me. This absolutely destroyed my self esteem which I'm sure made me even more unattractive to him. We went to marriage counselling. It was clear that he'd 'checked out' already. Then eventually he had affairs and so began the lies (lying being the soul destroying thing). Vicious cycle really that I'd rather not dwell on. Soul destroying if you let it be. Liberating if you so choose. I chose the latter. This sounds like my relationship to a T .. and it was him who lodged the divorce papers .. something I did not contest .. they years since in being single have been the best time in my life ... hard but oh so much better ..
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RHP User
13 years ago
Never again will I be with someone whose eyes don't light up when he sees me, who is not willing to take me in his arms for no reason, and who does not make me feel like I belong right there. You said it hon...:)...
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RHP User
13 years ago
Yea I know where you are all coming from. In the last 6 months of my 5 year relationship there was no touching unless it was to have sex and then it was the same thing each time, "hey how about a r**t" and that's the most touching we would encounter not even at his cousin's engagement party did he touch me for the partner photos. Needless to say I left, we were good after I left. Lots of touching and affection however it was only going to last a very short time. He was one to watch porn and touch himself while I was at work. Left me feeling very rejected.
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RHP User
13 years ago
My ex would try and avoid sex as much as she could. We had a sex life but she went out of her way to destroy it. We have separated now but I still have regular contact because of the kids etc. I have been happier since I have come to the realisation that she just doesn't give a shit and hasn't for a long time. Half my problems revolved around my expectation that she should care. Now most of my problems are gone! (probably still convincing myself a little but I am almost there)
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Ms_Devious' In my last relationship there was no sex for the last year, and no real intimacy (physically nor emotionally) for maybe twice as long. The first few of our eight years together were incredibly passionate, as we were both very tactile people with very high sex drives. And we genuinly loved and liked each other. However, as a long-denied midlife crisis took hold, he withdrew and (in my eyes) slowly turned into an impatient, bitter and finally very angry man. I know he didn't cheat, and he was never really interested in porn. Had he slept with someone else without coming to me first, I would have been devastated and have felt utterly deceived and betrayed.. However, his utter refusal to admit he was having problems, or blame them on me, was just as gut wrenching to me, and both my self esteem and sense of self worth took a real hit. I asked myself if I was not good enough, not attractive enough, not interesting enough, not... You get the idea. It wasn't until the witholding of affection turned into verbal and emotional abuse, that I finally saw that it had nothing to do with me, and I called it quits. I've been on my own for almost a year now, and have never felt less alone. Never again will I be with someone whose eyes don't light up when he sees me, who is not willing to take me in his arms for no reason, and who does not make me feel like I belong right there. I read you story and it's like looking in the mirror. I too have been away from my ex for just over a year now. The only difference I could see was that during the 16 years of my marriage my ex turned to alchohol and the abuse was often alcohol fueled on top of his sober moments. I would be up all hours of the night playing online fb games in the last few months of my marriage and chatting to complete strangers in cyber poker just to avoid him till I knew he was asleep. My wake up call was when his relationship with our 11 year old daughter fragmented and he started verbally abusing her when she stuck up for me, so I finally voiced my broken marriage to friends and family. I had hidden his behaviour from friends and family and it came as a shock to most I spoke to. I was handed a lifeline by a friend of mine for a place to stay and I was off with daughter in tow. All she said when I packed the truck was: It's good mum and I think it's time to leave in amongst her tears. The only regret I have is that I didnt do it earlier because i worry about the impact of the example of a broken fractured marriage on my daughter as children learn relationship skills through thier parents. She is a smart girl and now I can show her that she should never accept anything other than and partner that is into you in all ways possible. My ex too never cheated and neither did I. I came out of that relationship totally shattered and profoundly changed as a person. I was left with no self esteme. Months of therapy for reactive depression and finding a man that totally adores me has brought me back from a very dark place indeed. He's into me, he's really really into me It's been a hard road to travel but Im back better than I have been for a very long time. I still have moments where the legacy of all the times I was rejected, ignored, told I was worthless and ugly make me doubt myself and how I look but because my new partner is so into me those moments are becoming less frequent and less hurtfull as time goes by. The years of shutting myself off from many to hide my private life have left me with few friends but good ones and I am slowly building new ones. I am into a new phase in my life now with someone that adores me but because of my history I still worry. My ex visited his daughter and told me he still loves me the other day. lmfao as I now know what real love and respect is and its not my ex's version of love. It's taken me 44 years to find it. Better late than never.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I can relate to Ms Devious on this topic, I myself have been witholding intimacy with my partner of 16 years. We had a very good sex life up till 5 years ago, we seperated I left him couldnt take his verbal and mental abuse anymore. While that period I met a beautiful man and our friendship grew into a relationship over 2 years. Felt the best I have felt in years, until my partner wanted to rekindle our marriage. Im sure he knew about the affair I was having and felt jealous. With my parents involved as I was living back with them, I had them pushing me to go back and try to work things out for the sake of our daughter. Am I being selfish?? Well fast forward to today nothing has changed, but I do wonder if he is doing what Im doing, he seems very distant and lack of intimacy. Im sure he is suffering depression but wont get help or admit to it, or just not interested in me anymore but cant seperate again....
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RHP User
13 years ago
I have to explain that I am an avid supporter of people in these sad marriages and especially the ones that are cheated on. That is one of the effects of what I have been through and how I deal. I love the fact that although put through adversity that decent strong people can come out of this type of lifestyle with dignity having not stooped to cheating. I admire people that can do that. How much more devestating can it get than to go through lack of love and affection only to have salt poured on your wounds by the betrayal of your partner seeking that which they would not or could not give you. There would be nothing more soul destroying and although I don't know these women I am proud to hear that they have fought thier way out of adversity. I get rather outspoken when dealing with this subject (another symptom of my past), so much so that several members now dispise me on a pro cheating forum thinly veiled in the disguise of 'the married man seeking and giving pleasure to women' and it never said thier wives. I got so angry at the lack of respect for the partners of those people that I probably overstepped the mark as one of my posts got deleted and it was in retalliation for being set upon for having a different point of view all in the guise of my being off topic. I got to the point of not caring about what the OP wanted to hear because of the responses she was getting. I am probably venting a little here but hey disrespect and lack of decency is something I feel strongly about. Does living the life mentioned in this topic cause that behaviour? Does it stop a once decent person seeing the difference between right and wrong? They hated it when I dared to disagree and labelled me as being off topic. I spoke out as I always do in defence when post after post came through from men who spoke as we do about the sadness of no love and affection, the lack of self worth in thier home only to flip the coin and speak about giving to other women and how much better it made them feel and how thier self esteme came back. Ironic isnt it. Just goes to show that deprevation of the basic human need for intimacy and belonging can send people into the very behaviour that destroys many. I wonder how many of them ever thought to print those thoughts out and take them to a marriage counsellor. I totally understand where permission is given and where medical reasons force people to have to search elswhere for what is lacking but am left without understanding of deliberate infidelity and don't think I will ever accept it as it has ruined some very important people in my life. I quote from the OP's post on that forum: 'I thank my married lovers who love to give me pleasure and enjoy me for being me.' Beleive me OP, the spouse won't be thanking you unless he had permission and you will have helped shatter her existence. I can't help it but assume as I am still bitter about the subject that those married lovers of yours do not have spousal awareness of thier giving to you. I just wonder due to my experience and the knowledge of what others have been through what your agenda in posting this question was. Is it validation of your life choices? Did the lack of affection affect you in such a manner that you do not consider consequences? Are you altered from your experience that you just dont see it or are you living in the moment and not caring about possible effect on other women in the persuit of making yourself feel better? Could you have got the self asteem boost from unattached men or women if that is your thing? All valid questions in this forum. This is on topic as I am curious to know how the adulterer's mind works and how her own experience of lack of love and affection in her own past brought her to behaving in such a manner as to possibly inflict the damage as written about in prior posts on this forum. I won't quote again from that forum but will say that you mentioned your past in there. Oh and please do not take this as criticsm as it is purely a post on my behalf to understand you as you and others set out to do with those men on that other forum.
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RHP User
13 years ago
After 30 years of marriage I (a male) can empathises with the experiences outline above. For so may years I always tried to be the best the most supportive of whatever she wanted to do, worked hard to allow her to stay at home with the children, travel when she wanted, but always feeling something was missing, I definitely always initiated, flowers, dinners, the right movie, always wanting to be intimate, sensual and ultimate sex. generally there was little interaction missionary was the only option, oral was a one way street me to her and never returned, she said she did not like doing it.then about in the 25th year I came across an email from her to an old teacher she had at High school, I knew that they had been in contact and he had even stayed at our house with his children a couple of years ago, the email read "if I (she) was truthful I was never in love (in the fairytale sense) with him when we got married".Then I looked back at all the times I tried to do something, all the times I would buy flowers only to be told I shouldn't have spent the money, whereas in reality she probably did not want the guiltI have 2 children and because my parents were divorced when I was 10 I would not want the same emotional upheaval for them going through high school.The relationship is bland, we don't fight or argue, but endeavour to be responsible parent, a level of stability for the children while they are trying to emerge from the other side of puberty and the emotional upheaval that experience brings.Is it recoverable, time may tell, and maybe that is why I have joined this website find the passion again.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Must of had sex at least 3 times lol....cos I have 3 kids. I lost interest when I found him dressed up in my clothes. I don't have anything against cross-dressers, but I should of been told before we got married and been able to make the decision myself . Hard to feel sexual when ur man looks better in your clothes than you do lol......yes I have to laugh about it now. The day after I kicked him out , I went and bought pretty lingerie, which I had stopped buying cos I didn't want to share!
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RHP User
13 years ago
I forgot to conclude with,a long time ago I came to understand that my own happiness, acceptance of who I am, where I am and what I want to become, only depended on me. I still look at the bright side of life, enjoy the moment, and enjoy the struggles of life.I also remind myself that it takes 2 to tango and each person has their own issues, or the mess and crap when I was living with 3 other guys. That was not always fun
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RHP User
13 years ago
For the topic at hand. I am going to watch with diligence so I can fuck all these married men who required intimacy.
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RHP User
13 years ago
hate it when they come home smashed, trip over the poor cat, fumble in the bedroom trying to get naked then literally fall into bed and then snuggles up stinking like a brewery and ashtray. Yep..... I hold back intimacy! How do I deal with it. He makes breakfast in the morning.
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RHP User
13 years ago
as usual you choose to go off topic and agressively post.Your agenda is fairly transparent.This topic was an opportunity for people to share their experiences of lack of intimacy,not an opportunity for you to interogate me. You consistently show your disrespect to anyone who has a different point of view to you.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'wefukugood' I have to explain that I am an avid supporter of people in these sad marriages and especially the ones that are cheated on. That is one of the effects of what I have been through and how I deal. I love the fact that although put through adversity that decent strong people can come out of this type of lifestyle with dignity having not stooped to cheating. I admire people that can do that. How much more devestating can it get than to go through lack of love and affection only to have salt poured on your wounds by the betrayal of your partner seeking that which they would not or could not give you. There would be nothing more soul destroying and although I don't know these women I am proud to hear that they have fought thier way out of adversity. I get rather outspoken when dealing with this subject (another symptom of my past), so much so that several members now dispise me on a pro cheating forum thinly veiled in the disguise of 'the married man seeking and giving pleasure to women' and it never said thier wives. I got so angry at the lack of respect for the partners of those people that I probably overstepped the mark as one of my posts got deleted and it was in retalliation for being set upon for having a different point of view all in the guise of my being off topic. I got to the point of not caring about what the OP wanted to hear because of the responses she was getting. I am probably venting a little here but hey disrespect and lack of decency is something I feel strongly about. Does living the life mentioned in this topic cause that behaviour? Does it stop a once decent person seeing the difference between right and wrong? They hated it when I dared to disagree and labelled me as being off topic. I spoke out as I always do in defence when post after post came through from men who spoke as we do about the sadness of no love and affection, the lack of self worth in thier home only to flip the coin and speak about giving to other women and how much better it made them feel and how thier self esteme came back. Ironic isnt it. Just goes to show that deprevation of the basic human need for intimacy and belonging can send people into the very behaviour that destroys many. I wonder how many of them ever thought to print those thoughts out and take them to a marriage counsellor. I totally understand where permission is given and where medical reasons force people to have to search elswhere for what is lacking but am left without understanding of deliberate infidelity and don't think I will ever accept it as it has ruined some very important people in my life. I quote from the OP's post on that forum: 'I thank my married lovers who love to give me pleasure and enjoy me for being me.' Beleive me OP, the spouse won't be thanking you unless he had permission and you will have helped shatter her existence. I can't help it but assume as I am still bitter about the subject that those married lovers of yours do not have spousal awareness of thier giving to you. I just wonder due to my experience and the knowledge of what others have been through what your agenda in posting this question was. Is it validation of your life choices? Did the lack of affection affect you in such a manner that you do not consider consequences? Are you altered from your experience that you just dont see it or are you living in the moment and not caring about possible effect on other women in the persuit of making yourself feel better? Could you have got the self asteem boost from unattached men or women if that is your thing? All valid questions in this forum. This is on topic as I am curious to know how the adulterer's mind works and how her own experience of lack of love and affection in her own past brought her to behaving in such a manner as to possibly inflict the damage as written about in prior posts on this forum. I won't quote again from that forum but will say that you mentioned your past in there. Oh and please do not take this as criticsm as it is purely a post on my behalf to understand you as you and others set out to do with those men on that other forum. Are you serious?? This Forum the OP asked a question and yet you bring something from another Forum to this one..Please have some consideration of the OP in this Forum... and yeah reading your post I think you have 'overstepped the mark " in this forum..it really shows disrespect to this OP in this Forum.If you want to know anything, may I suggest you post your own Forum and seek your answers there.I don't want you to post anything in reply just to acknowledge and have a think.As a person looking in from this Forum and the one you talk about...there is a huge difference.I am only suggesting consideration of BOTH OP's in each separate Forums and respect their questions what they are asking. Thank youFoxy
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'wefukugood' I have to explain that I am an avid supporter of people in these sad marriages and especially the ones that are cheated on. That is one of the effects of what I have been through and how I deal. I love the fact that although put through adversity that decent strong people can come out of this type of lifestyle with dignity having not stooped to cheating. I admire people that can do that. How much more devestating can it get than to go through lack of love and affection only to have salt poured on your wounds by the betrayal of your partner seeking that which they would not or could not give you. There would be nothing more soul destroying and although I don't know these women I am proud to hear that they have fought thier way out of adversity. I get rather outspoken when dealing with this subject (another symptom of my past), so much so that several members now dispise me on a pro cheating forum thinly veiled in the disguise of 'the married man seeking and giving pleasure to women' and it never said thier wives. I got so angry at the lack of respect for the partners of those people that I probably overstepped the mark as one of my posts got deleted and it was in retalliation for being set upon for having a different point of view all in the guise of my being off topic. I got to the point of not caring about what the OP wanted to hear because of the responses she was getting. I am probably venting a little here but hey disrespect and lack of decency is something I feel strongly about. Does living the life mentioned in this topic cause that behaviour? Does it stop a once decent person seeing the difference between right and wrong? They hated it when I dared to disagree and labelled me as being off topic. I spoke out as I always do in defence when post after post came through from men who spoke as we do about the sadness of no love and affection, the lack of self worth in thier home only to flip the coin and speak about giving to other women and how much better it made them feel and how thier self esteme came back. Ironic isnt it. Just goes to show that deprevation of the basic human need for intimacy and belonging can send people into the very behaviour that destroys many. I wonder how many of them ever thought to print those thoughts out and take them to a marriage counsellor. I totally understand where permission is given and where medical reasons force people to have to search elswhere for what is lacking but am left without understanding of deliberate infidelity and don't think I will ever accept it as it has ruined some very important people in my life. I quote from the OP's post on that forum: 'I thank my married lovers who love to give me pleasure and enjoy me for being me.' Beleive me OP, the spouse won't be thanking you unless he had permission and you will have helped shatter her existence. I can't help it but assume as I am still bitter about the subject that those married lovers of yours do not have spousal awareness of thier giving to you. I just wonder due to my experience and the knowledge of what others have been through what your agenda in posting this question was. Is it validation of your life choices? Did the lack of affection affect you in such a manner that you do not consider consequences? Are you altered from your experience that you just dont see it or are you living in the moment and not caring about possible effect on other women in the persuit of making yourself feel better? Could you have got the self asteem boost from unattached men or women if that is your thing? All valid questions in this forum. This is on topic as I am curious to know how the adulterer's mind works and how her own experience of lack of love and affection in her own past brought her to behaving in such a manner as to possibly inflict the damage as written about in prior posts on this forum. I won't quote again from that forum but will say that you mentioned your past in there. Oh and please do not take this as criticsm as it is purely a post on my behalf to understand you as you and others set out to do with those men on that other forum. You still show complete disrespect!!!! You are still on your high horse of self indulgence. MY topic was nothing to do with infidelity if you had read the question with an open mind. You chose to turn it into a war a about deception! RHP closed the thread because of your inability to shut your mouth and stay on topic. As it was advised to you.... start your own topic and deliver your sermons to those who are interested.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I actually wanted to post my story but was hijacked along the way.Thank you Inspirit and Foxy for your comments. My story is not too disimilar to many others.I was madly in love with my then husband but what I failed to acknowledge that his feelings for me were not the same.Living with rejection day after day as a young woman is obviously not life and death,but it utterly eroded my self esteem and belief in myself as a sexual being.Yes I had an affair,and then I left.Did he know,I doubt it.Did I feel ashamed a liar and a cheat,absolutely.It took me years to realise that his lack of care or investment in our marriage was a hugely contributing factor I spent many many years as a celibate,some of those years living in Buddhist monasteries and centres both here and the USA.I am now much kinder to myself. He is married to a lovely woman whom he met six months after I left him.They have been married happily for over twenty years. However in some ways I thank him,my life would be completely different if I had stayed,and while my life has not been perfect I have lived it on my terms.But I do still have a fear of intimacy of deeply engaging with a man.I doubt that this will change but also I never say never.Life is an adventure and one never knows who you will trip over.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I have been on my own for 2 1/2 months in a remote area with another month to go and will be taking a sabbatical from here (RHP) from Friday in an attempt to sort it out (my relationship) either way. The impact is crushing/painful/confusing, particularly when you do care, I don't think there is any right or wrong way to deal with it as each situation has it's own complications and dilemmas. I don't know what the outcome of this next phase of my life will be, but I have promised not to be too hard on myself no matter what the outcome. I am thankful to those of you on here who I have found entertaining, thoughtful, frank and insightful and in particular those who have become special to me! I will lurk. One thing I know for sure though is that I'll be damned if I will take the slightest bit of notice of anybody who judges me or what I do and that pertains to life outside of RHP, what happens on here sometimes can get a little crazy. It must be remembered that "I may not agree with what you are saying but I will defend to the death your freedom to say it" Many of us have lost family in the fight for freedom and many of us lose sight of the fact that it is a privilege we take for granted in this country. Just because you have the freedom to say something it doesn't give you the right to impose those thoughts on others. This must be tempered with respect for the rights of view points on both sides of an argument and sometimes it is best to say that you agree to disagree and move on. In the words of Roy & HG - "Go find a mirror and take a good long hard look at yourself!" It is what it is - GV
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RHP User
13 years ago
GV,it has been great having you here. A thoughtful intelligent poster.I hope that the next phase of your life is all that you wish it to be and thank you for sharing part of your journey with us.Hugs Freya x
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RHP User
13 years ago
I was in a long term relationship that disintegrated because a member of her family fell very ill. I tried to offer her the emotional support she needed, but she gradually retreated into depression and became distant. I found it frustrating that I wasn't able to help and she wouldn't (couldn't) accept or use my support - she grew resentful that I was frustrated and had to try and 'make her feel better'. She ended up breaking it off, though I was feeling the same and it didn't come as a shock. We parted on reasonably good terms, and it was one of those unfortunate things that was out of our control - though we still wished the best for each other, the love and intimacy was gone.On a tangential topic and for a different perspective on the 'lack of intimacy', for those of you who have let your partner and never looked back, kudos. That certainly resonates with my other experience. For those of you staying in a relationship 'for the sake of the kids' I can only offer my reflections:Having come from a family where the parents stayed together at least a decade more than they should have, I have no doubt whatsoever that my parents made a mistake staying together, though I know they meant the best. It was a generally grim experience, and pretty unsettling to be living with two parents that caused each other hurt, though they tried their best to conceal it. A friend of mine I was chatting to recently summed it up so perfectly, so I'll just quote her verbatim:"I just think that in the long term a child is going to be at much greater risk of future emotional and relationship problems after years of watching mum and dad argue / ignore each other / cheat on each other / put each other down / never touch or kiss each other / generally be unhappy, than they are if their parents decide to go their separate ways."This was very much my experience, and I think kids are much more resilient/understanding than we give them credit for. I wish for my sake and theirs they had split long before they did - they've both been in new partnerships for years now and are both far happier than at any point I can remember from my childhood and young-adult life.Look at the experiences people have shared on this thread - none of them regret having left their relationship, all are happier and stronger for it. Think about it.
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RHP User
13 years ago
3 weeks after my second husband I started dating, his little girl of 8 years old was killed in a tragic accident....this sad event was the basis of our relationship and subsequent marriage. My ex was a good decent wonderful man but unable to process nor get thru his grief. As the years went on...our marriage crumbled and died and we become a corporation / a succesflu partnership but with no intimacy/sex or love........we had everything in the world financiallyl and materially....but we had nothing else...not even each other I was 37.. and one day I said to myself -"" Is this it ? is this the rest of my life ?????????????""is this what I really want..a marriage of convenience... . am I not entitiled to it all ?"" and although I cared for my husband and yes there was love, it just wasnt enough to hold together a man who was falling apart - at 37 I packed a bag.... I walked in and told him I was leaving him...his reply as he was bent over his laptop was "Can you wait a sec ?"- therein lies the whole story of my marriage..he drove me to airport and I boarded a plane to London that nite , with the last words ringing in my ears from him "Have you got enough money ?"" cause that is all he cared about in the end.................I never took a cent from him and I never looked back In the ensuring years I found and lost great love - but I couldnt never have experienced love, sex, intimacy, passion, desire again had I not taken that leap of faith..... After 11 years, I recently caught up with my ex over dinner in Melbourne - he is good..he has come to terms finally with his painful loss..and has a new relatoinship which I would say is quite successful..he is content .....and I, well after looking/talking with him..yes I know I still did do the rite thing..even though rite now I am alone.......because the most intimate relationship I have at present is with myself but its the most successful and rewarding one Ive ever had...I like me..... .......and when the time is rite..he will come
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RHP User
13 years ago
I was in a relationship ,the longest i have been in one for 4 years.She lived with me ,i paid all bills,cooked dinner and told her to get out of debt.She was $60,000 in debt when she met me and when i kicked her out she had $50,000 in the bank.She liked to drink and get abusive towards me as she had other issues in life that she carried and it cut away at her as a person.I tried to get her help,she did not want it,she was my girl who i would have done anything for.At the end she got physically abusive towards me,one day i just packed her cloths up and took them to her dads house.I know she cheated on me ,and we grew apart at the end.She realised once i was not with her how good a guy i was.I was not bitter,did not see it like that,i just moved on ,altho i do think about her sometimes.It hurt at first .I just kept telling myself i did a lot for her and life has something better for both of us.No one should be with an abusive partner.I was no prince(im not perfect) i had my own issues ,just think its best to get out of that relationship and move on.Everyone wants to feel wanted and have a connection ,we just have to drop our guard and that is the hard bit.Keep living life and roll on people !
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'neptune_drift' Having come from a family where the parents stayed together at least a decade more than they should have, I have no doubt whatsoever that my parents made a mistake staying together, though I know they meant the best. It was a generally grim experience, and pretty unsettling to be living with two parents that caused each other hurt, though they tried their best to conceal it. A friend of mine I was chatting to recently summed it up so perfectly, so I'll just quote her verbatim: "I just think that in the long term a child is going to be at much greater risk of future emotional and relationship problems after years of watching mum and dad argue / ignore each other / cheat on each other / put each other down / never touch or kiss each other / generally be unhappy, than they are if their parents decide to go their separate ways." I had a similar experience growing up, as my parents went through a dark patch that lasted years. The complete lack of intimacy between them throughout my teenage years affected me greatly, and for the longest time I thought relationships without any physical contact apart from sex were the norm. Eventually my parents' relationship recovered. They really had no idea how their troubled relationship had affected me until I told them ten years later. They had always thought they had hidden their problems well. Parents can't hide half as much from their children as they think they can.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Freya77' I actually wanted to post my story but was hijacked along the way.Thank you Inspirit and Foxy for your comments. My story is not too disimilar to many others.I was madly in love with my then husband but what I failed to acknowledge that his feelings for me were not the same.Living with rejection day after day as a young woman is obviously not life and death,but it utterly eroded my self esteem and belief in myself as a sexual being.Yes I had an affair,and then I left.Did he know,I doubt it.Did I feel ashamed a liar and a cheat,absolutely.It took me years to realise that his lack of care or investment in our marriage was a hugely contributing factor I spent many many years as a celibate,some of those years living in Buddhist monasteries and centres both here and the USA.I am now much kinder to myself. He is married to a lovely woman whom he met six months after I left him.They have been married happily for over twenty years. However in some ways I thank him,my life would be completely different if I had stayed,and while my life has not been perfect I have lived it on my terms.But I do still have a fear of intimacy of deeply engaging with a man.I doubt that this will change but also I never say never.Life is an adventure and one never knows who you will trip over. Inherent in your words is a calm optimism. An acceptance of your choices and a spirit that is open to change. This is why we love your posts. xxx
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RHP User
13 years ago
I hope everything works out for you. Hug x
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RHP User
13 years ago
Some of the stories shared here were very private, and sometimes painful to read. Kudos to all that shared. It makes me realise that the fact a lot of us feel comfortable enough to share private things like these, means we share some kind of intimacy on these threads. Let's all respect ourselves and each other and keep it that way.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'neptune_drift' "I just think that in the long term a child is going to be at much greater risk of future emotional and relationship problems after years of watching mum and dad argue / ignore each other / cheat on each other / put each other down / never touch or kiss each other / generally be unhappy, than they are if their parents decide to go their separate ways."This is a such a true statement and I wish more parents realised the potential long term emotional/relationship harm they expose their children to by remaining in a marriage/ relationship where there is no longer any intimacy or even friendship.. all for the sake of appearances. I have a friend in the same situation currently and have tried to share this view with him only to be shut down. So now I have chosen to stay out of the situation (as much as I can) but hope for his sake that when he does leave his wife his kids wont resent him for not finding happiness earlier...or allowing their mother the same option.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I will never allow myself to be caught in a relationship where the intimacy is being withheld again. I found myself in this situation about 9 yrs ago when I was engaged. When I first met my ex we couldn't keep our hands off each other, and no room in the house was off limits when it came to sex. But after moving to Nth Qld for work that fell thru within months, we found ourselves moving to his home town (population less than 200) in SW Qld and that is when our relationship started to go down hill... he began drinking more, smoking pot every day, not working and at night would sleep in the same bed as me but kept strictly to his side, we were living in the same house as virtual strangers. Not only was I lacking intimacy at home but being such a small town I was isolated socially and emotionally by having no friends in town either (no matter how hard I tried to make them). Eventually I met a woman that had come into town from one of the properties and we hit it off due to the similarities of our home situations. She helped me for a while survive the lack of intimacy thru her awesome friendship but when she and her partner moved interstate I realised how bad my home life was (but thankfully I am still in touch with her). Then the physical violence started. I tried to report it to the police but being he was a local and I was not they didn't want a bar of it. This was the kick I needed to show me that I deserved to be treated better by him and others. So I packed up the house (what would fit in my car anyway), grabbed the dog and left. I have never looked back.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Thank you all for sharing!!!
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RHP User
13 years ago
when I read these stories it put my experience into a context.So often we think our experiences are unique to us,when we share it is amazing how much commonality we find there is. Thank you all for being so open,as Ms.D said, we do often share quite intimately here. Perhaps it is the kindness of strangers.
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RHP User
13 years ago
My parents haven't had an intimate, physical relationship for years. I remember when they started sleeping in separate beds, I was in primary school, probably about 8 or 9. And yes I know some couples sleep in separate beds for certain reasons but still have sex, but I know in my parents' case that the sexual side of things ended a long time ago. I have never even seen them kiss each other on the mouth. If there was any resentment around the lack of physical contact held by one or both then they hid it extremely well (though they had no issue arguing and airing their grievances about anything else in front of me), and there was never any indication from my perspective that either sought sex elsewhere, although of course it is a possibility. I know they have always loved each other, and do still love each other but their relationship is more like a friendship (granted a very close one), with some mutual dependency thrown in there as well.I have come to realise that I have some issues around intimacy and all of that 'stuff' and I guess it's pretty likely that my parents' lack of intimacy has contributed to that.Ah well, could've been worse!!
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RHP User
13 years ago
I would like to know if anyone has successfully recovered their relationship after going through something like this? - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
13 years ago
mmmm, very touching stories. My recent ex gf had intimacy issues, she would fuck like a trouper, but would hold back when making love. She sqirted once, the first time we slept together, she thought we were fucking..... I was making love. 18 months and she never sqirted again. Sometimes she would move position when she was about to come, and then blame me for letting her down. She was unable to hold hands in public, certainly no public affection. She was/is terrified of intimacy, in the end it destroyed us, and has gutted me. I'm not perfect, I try, I'm honest, I'm up front and I want to communicate, but one isn't enough, it takes two.
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xxsexythingxx
13 years ago
Oh yeah Never again will I be with someone whose eyes don't light up when he sees me, who is not willing to take me in his arms for no reason, and who does not make me feel like I belong right there.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'alwaysmrhappy' mmmm, very touching stories. My recent ex gf had intimacy issues, she would fuck like a trouper, but would hold back when making love. She sqirted once, the first time we slept together, she thought we were fucking..... I was making love. 18 months and she never sqirted again. Sometimes she would move position when she was about to come, and then blame me for letting her down. She was unable to hold hands in public, certainly no public affection. She was/is terrified of intimacy, in the end it destroyed us, and has gutted me. I'm not perfect, I try, I'm honest, I'm up front and I want to communicate, but one isn't enough, it takes two. I'm actually a little bit afraid that I might end up like your ex.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Life is far too short
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seekingpanache
13 years ago
We had a good sex life when we started dating, then we got married, and literally once she had the ring on her finger , she changed, she was surprised and annoyed I wanted sex on our wedding night !! One night we were having sex, and she said ...." There is a cob web in the corner " .... Sex in the years since I've left has been fantastic. Play safe People ..Bruce
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RHP User
13 years ago
I too finally left my husband after 20 odd year of abuse.. thinking I wasn't trying hard enough, I wasn't good enough.And yes I have lost total trust in any one... to my very few friends I am the laugh of the party.... but try to get close and I lose it.... have met a fella on here who I just adore but no just keep pushing him awayTo make matters worse my daughter gets married this weekend ,,,, but thanks to Dad I'm not welcome, funny how some kids just go with the chequebook May come back tomorrow.. this so intrests me..... happy evening to you all
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RHP User
13 years ago
Sweetheart, if you want something you must make it happen. I would have (should have ?) gotten counseling for us both, had I realised exactly where we were headed :( When things were good between us it was like she'd panic and fear the intimacy, and then either withdraw or start a fight. Counseling for her to deal with her feelings, counseling for us to deal with conflict better. Tonight I have the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders, yesterday I offered her an olive branch, and today she rejected it. 3 months ago I moved 3500km to be with her, in two months we spent 2 happy weeks together...... I am now released from the worst 3 months of my life. I still love her and always will, but she is unable to challenge herself to help herself. G xo
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RHP User
13 years ago
Finally got my head around it - and filed for divorce (married 30 yrs) menopause at 48, "congress" became less frequent, all sorts of reasons (the last 8 years I've been celibate - except with myself). Also realised that 95% of time I was initiating, at one stage almost begging for intimacy. Got tired of debasing myself with a woman that was obviously more interested in me killing spiders for her, taking her on holidays and buying her gear, than trying to accept facts. And she never learned or liked more than missionary or doggie. Starting to feel better, although the last screw (settlement) was a doozy. Worth it.
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RHP User
13 years ago
For me it was the opposite.... What ruined my marriage was the constant ivf, and the perform on cue... Sure there were good times... Have two fantastic kids but stress and pressure were the killer. So much nicer now 😃- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
13 years ago
I confess, I was the one who withheld the sex. My ex had issues with alcohol and drugs. Towards the last few years of a 10 year marriage, the only time he would come to bed with me wass when he was drunk stupid or drugged up. Resentment grew in me and I started to "withhold" if there was alcohol and/or drugs in his system. He resented that I withheld and I resented being used. Intimacy - mhhh... this is an issue for me. Same relationship but the cause is much too private for me to share. Same as suziesue, I can be the life of the party - dance with anyone and rub myself against anyone but cuddle me and I will karate chop you. I am trying to let go of this "issue" as I find that fucking and partying is such a lonely place. Im giving "intimacy" a go this time - scares the crap off me though!
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'dewata'I confess, I was the one who withheld the sex. My ex had issues with alcohol and drugs. Towards the last few years of a 10 year marriage, the only time he would come to bed with me wass when he was drunk stupid or drugged up. Resentment grew in me and I started to "withhold" if there was alcohol and/or drugs in his system. He resented that I withheld and I resented being used. Intimacy - mhhh... this is an issue for me. Same relationship but the cause is much too private for me to share. Same as suziesue, I can be the life of the party - dance with anyone and rub myself against anyone but cuddle me and I will karate chop you. I am trying to let go of this "issue" as I find that fucking and partying is such a lonely place. Im giving "intimacy" a go this time - scares the crap off me though! Dewata, I give my consent for you to practice on me....... NO ! Not the Karate chopping bit ! My ex also struggled with the lonelyness of "dating" and fucking
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RHP User
13 years ago
Awwww... Alwaysmrhappy, got me excited, thought I could practice me karate chop :-)
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RHP User
13 years ago
Mmmm, I'll meet you 1/2way...... Hand to hand in Alice Springs...... :)
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