M50
The power of vulnerability
March 19 2013
Comments
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RHP User
13 years ago
It can only give you the power you allow it to. Does that make sense? We are all vulnerable in some ways. It's just that some of us allow our feelings of inadequacy to get us down at times, when we should be building up our self esteem and not giving others the power to make us so vulnerable. Letting others in is not a bad thing to do. We would never experience joy in relationships if we didn't But letting them in and making our lives sad is a bad thing. Yes, show vulnerability, it is a human trait, but don't let others hurt you through it.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Oh so in that place at the mo Yes I embrace it. Its part of who I am..but it is not all of me and Im comfortable with it - I dont hide it or numb it and it does at times make me weep. I do not protect myself from it however I am careful about who I expose it to...Im selective about who enters my world now..I share willingly but with only a few- I have learnt I am resilient..I will bend..but I will not break
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RHP User
13 years ago
Tough one too. I think I'm an open book on these forums, which makes me vulnerable. At one stage, when I realised there is a way people can read everything I ever posted, I wondered if I was too open. I can't help it though, it's in my nature to wear my heart on my sleeve. And I embrace that. I'm not afraid to let people see me cry either, as one or two of you can attest to. Having said that, letting myself be vulnerable does not mean anyone can take advantage of me. I'm pretty good at defining my boundaries, and don't suffer fools lightly. (A few of you have found that out as well...) What about you, OP?
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RHP User
13 years ago
I simply re-frame my own vulnerability by re-defining it, and taking control of the outcome.Ipso facto.... any vulnerability becomes a positive.DG
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RHP User
13 years ago
...a topic on vulnerability, and the OP doesn't provide any personal insight? I agree, a bit stupid.It has taken me foreeeeever to realise that my worst traits come from protecting myself from vulnerability... being defensive, being aloof, being a perfectionist, and catastrophising are all ways to handle compensate for and protect myself from my vulnerabilities.At the same time, I've come to understand that my vulnerabilities are a big part of how people connect to me. It isn't just my foibles, of which I have ample, but my hopes and dreams, as well as my fears and reservations, that are the 'hooks' that let people understand - and perhaps, become endeared to - me.That's all great, in a very personal, intimate relationship. But what about in 'the scene'?My view - and its been a long time in the fermentation - is that without the connection, and therefore without exposing those vulnerabilities (hopes, fears, foibles), all the kink in the world is going to feel very one dimensional, quickly. Sport-sex is awesome, but I like to think we're playing on the same team, not against each other. And the best teams connect, if only for the duration of the game.So, then the challenge becomes, how to avoid having your vulnerabilities used against you, how to avoid being hurt by your own openness? My experience says that when I try to protect myself from myself, I become a rat-bag (defensive, catastrophising, aloof). I have a feeling it's where some of the anger comes from, that you see on this site and in the scene.So, I'm resolved to be open and vulnerable. Come what may...
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RHP User
13 years ago
I feel very vulnerable just being on this site. We open ourselves to a wide variety of people that we wouldn't otherwise come across in our lives. Not all of them mentally stable. It's scary when you realize the potentially devastating effect such people could have on you. I'm feeling very guarded lately. Being vulnerable in a relationship is another thing altogether. It's necesary really for any relationship, even the sorts of NSA or FWB relationships that happen on here. I think this is because there needs to be a level of honesty to create any sort of connection. That honesty leaves you truly vulnerable to having who you are rejected. A recent talk with someone who asked if I wouldn't be open to a relationship if the right person came long helped me to see that I am fearful of being vulnerable. The shell of 'I don't want a relationship' is protecting me a bit from being hurt. The conversation has helped me to see that I need to be a bit more open and flexible about being vulnerable if I don't want to end up being very hard losing my soul. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
13 years ago
Does it make you weep or smile?... a bit of both. To me vulnerability is a weakness (in a good way) in that it shows to ourselves we are not perfect... using this, I like to think of my vulnerability as something to work upon and thus is a strength the understand and accept... and something to work by way of self improvement thus reducing the vulnerability. I'm happy to share my vulnerability since hiding it is just lying to oneself.
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RHP User
13 years ago
to enjoy life, but guarded enough to enjoy life. I think I've got the balance about right so far (but I don't get out much!) Great topic Messo.
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RHP User
13 years ago
What do you mean vulnerability? How can someone hurt you unless you care or love them. Is that what you mean Messo? Are you going to allow yourself to care? Emotions and caring are not weaknesses and if someone sees your heart and rejects you well that is their loss. It takes a strong person to do this, not weak. But then again I haven't really had my heart broken so it is easy for me to say.
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RHP User
13 years ago
A lot of men see emotions or showing your vulnerabilities as being soft or weak, but to my mind this is their greatest weakness and means they miss out so much on life.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I tend to agree with Meeka...define "vulnerable". We can only be who we are, i talk to whomever I want to, I see whomever I want to see, and I chose to share my personal life with those I trust and know will do right by me. Am I guarded? No i dont really think so, overly trusting? again no, I trust everyone to a degree until they do something for me to need to question their trust. I feel that all of us every day of our lives is vulnerable...to others, our environment, our situations, our emotions...its necessary for personal growth. I dont think that its a weakness if you are living your life the best way you can, sharing your thoughts and dreams, your happy and sad stories...thats the way it should be. If shit happens along the way, well thats life!
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RHP User
13 years ago
An open book but if I'm feeling vunerable, though stresses, I can become a bit of an arsehole. As I get older, I have been learning the signs earlier but, unfortunately, I don't always catch it in time. Sorry to those who has witnessed that.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100' What do you mean vulnerability? How can someone hurt you unless you care or love them. Is that what you mean Messo? Are you going to allow yourself to care? Emotions and caring are not weaknesses and if someone sees your heart and rejects you well that is their loss. It takes a strong person to do this, not weak. But then again I haven't really had my heart broken so it is easy for me to say. For me, it is not about just my weaknesses. I absolutely agree with you, building a hard shell means you miss out on so much richness... be that man or woman. I tried and struggled to articulate it in my follow up above... I mean vulnerability as, actually, the permission to feel and the ability to share those feelings. I suppose it is the opposite of bottling things. It is also the opposite of being afraid, which was very peculiar to me, when I first realised it. I thought my shell gave me strength, but it was brittle. The term resilience was used above... that resonates, perfectly.I'll stop now, lest I sound like some new-age-born-again-whacko. But there is a distinct freedom in facing/embracing your vulnerabilities, isn't there?“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them.” (Brené Brown)
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RHP User
13 years ago
“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable - to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.”
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RHP User
13 years ago
I feel incredibly comfortable sharing with you lot (a bunch of strangers) on these forums as I do with people in real life. Speaking of my life , my past, trauma, my soul’s desires and pain is quite easy. I can let people in as I know who I am and the journey I have undertaken to resolve a lot of the yucky shit (like many of us). Judgement of my character is a non issue as I like the person I am and I now have my power back. What is my point?...oh yeah, I’m happy with my inside. Where I fall down and feel vulnerable to the point of shame is allowing other people to see me naked. I know that comes from the inside too and I don’t have 2 separate entities and you are possibly thinking “surely this chick knows sexual abuse impacts how you feel about your physical self also” and of course I do. I worked through that crap long ago and used to be ok stripping off until…. Bada bing, I allowed myself to get fat while I was working through other shit. I got to about 110kg and after 2 -3 years of that decided to have gastric bypass (not lap band, the full thing)…whilst I have now lost the weight and am toning, I am embarrassed that I have a saggy arse and I really need to tone my gut. I am blessed that I didn’t end up with sheets of loose skin as I wasn’t large enough for that, but it’s scary to get naked, like really scary. I also have other scars from surgeries and my breasts very much have the whole tennis ball in a sock thing going on from a dodgy reduction many years ago. The dilemma is, I effing love sex in all it’s kinky fuckery. I want to keep exploring and experiencing everything I can. I’m a woman on a mission and have embraced the sheer delights and pleasure to be had. So If I connect with someone and think - mmmm I would really like to play with you….like now – I then panic and think, shit I have to get naked….Oh God what if I get naked and he runs away, I couldn’t cope with that – perhaps I should warn him in advance……fuck but I really want him…..shit poo bugger bum I have no idea what to do. Far out, this is the longest pile of waffle to get to the point of…."yeah, I feel vulnerable about getting naked these days, but ask me about gang rapes in cults and bob’s your uncle" Jeez Messo, I bet you’re really glad I posted.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Vulnerability like an overcoat at the moment, it's the place I am in right now. I embrace it but very few people around me know about it and that's how it should be. I have days where I find it crushing but know I have the strength to carry on and I know it will wear away in time.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Bring a saucy lingerie outfit with you this weekend to play in if you don't want to be totally naked. I feel like a fat potato at the moment so that is what I have been doing. :) Hope that doesn't sound scary too you... Please feel free to tell me when ever you want some help! And you can always tell me to fuck off too!! And then you can watch. :D
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RHP User
13 years ago
MissPoppins, us girls should all get naked together... I mean, to show you that you're not alone with the lumps, bumps, and sagging bits. I bet you'll feel a lot better afterwards.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Aww you saying I have to get totally naked to get my ass spanked. Can I just say in advance I am very bloated at the moment. :P
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RHP User
13 years ago
might be quite therapeutic....if we can combine it with alcohol and mood lighting i'm in God I'm excited about Saturday!Quoting 'Meeka100' Bring a saucy lingerie outfit with you this weekend to play in if you don't want to be totally naked. I feel like a fat potato at the moment so that is what I have been doing. :) Hope that doesn't sound scary too you... Please feel free to tell me when ever you want some help! And you can always tell me to fuck off too!! And then you can watch. :D Quoting 'Ms_Devious' MissPoppins, us girls should all get naked together... I mean, to show you that you're not alone with the lumps, bumps, and sagging bits. I bet you'll feel a lot better afterwards.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Stay vulnerable even when it hurts. Each day that we make choices about our life and we don’t admit our vulnerability, we are robbing ourselves of our humanity. Vulnerability is as much a part of being human as is strength. Many of us have been conditioned to be strong. Many of us have been encouraged not to ask for help. Many of us have been persuaded not need anyone. To be human is to discover we can be vulnerable and still be strong. We can ask for help and still lead and we can need others and still be tenacious. Most creative, innovative, visionary people have been people who have lived their lives by serendipity, inspiration and vulnerability. You may feel that you have tried too many times too many things, or maybe you have been judged too harshly in the past and you have lost the innocence to stay vulnerable. It takes a strong person to live openly in their vulnerability. Admitting that you don’t have to solve every problem you face is strong. Allowing yourself to say, “I don’t have to fix every problem is strong” In times of vulnerability: • Read biographies’ of others: see how others have struggled through their fragile moments and survived. • Start journaling: see where you need to remain open and admit your fragility, admitting vulnerability creates intimacy. • Begin self reflection: taking the time to go inward, begins with you, it gives you the answers are seeking. You can’t solve a problem you won’t face. You can’t protect yourself against possible hurt. This world is about taking in not shutting out. In order to find your way, you have to pay close attention to the signs about when you feel you want to shut down and hide behind those messages: I don’t need you. I can do this by myself. We must reenter the truth of what is really going on and be honest. We must stay vulnerable. We cannot fear what lies within us, we can only love ourselves long enough to accept ourselves. Lead From Within: The strongest people are the ones that can withstand their vulnerability and honor the balance about remaining open and being vulnerable.
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RHP User
13 years ago
The things I don't like sharing with people are my innermost hopes and dreams. I think I'm afraid people will think them strange, and judge me as a result. That would make me feel too exposed. Funny, huh?
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RHP User
13 years ago
Please message when and if you have the time. Something to tell you.
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RHP User
13 years ago
There are some things you may never share with anyone or only with a very select few. Very close friends or long term lovers. You don't have to let it all hang out. :p
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RHP User
13 years ago
I think the people that have your back and your heart are those that would never judge you and think any differently about you regardless of what you share.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'MissPoppins'I think the people that have your back and your heart are those that would never judge you and think any differently about you regardless of what you share. Friends never judge. MsD you would be amazed at what conversation can flow when revealing things. We all have desires that we think no one understands.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I have to be honest, which is not the same as vulnerable at all, there is no room for me to be vulnerable here. Allowing that window, into myself, is for a select few....those who have earnt that right. Here, i am an open book, as many also claim.....but only about the things that don't matter, the things i choose to share. Here, I reveal some facets of my personality, it's still true to myself, it's just not ALL of myself. In the past few years I've learnt that to hold back is to not experience fully. I am happy to be vulnerable, but only with people i know well and trust implicitly. For me, those people do not happen along every day of the week.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I'm happy to share my Fucket List with the world, but don't want anyone knowing where I want to be five years from now.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'inspirit' “To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable - to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” and beautifulWhen one is afraid of doing something and does it anyway ... they are both vulnerable and strong.I love to see this in those close to me ... this is a place they grow and shine.nice one OP
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happy0450
13 years ago
Quoting 'MissPoppins' I feel incredibly comfortable sharing with you lot (a bunch of strangers) on these forums as I do with people in real life. Speaking of my life , my past, trauma, my soul’s desires and pain is quite easy. I can let people in as I know who I am and the journey I have undertaken to resolve a lot of the yucky shit (like many of us). Judgement of my character is a non issue as I like the person I am and I now have my power back. What is my point?...oh yeah, I’m happy with my inside. Where I fall down and feel vulnerable to the point of shame is allowing other people to see me naked. I know that comes from the inside too and I don’t have 2 separate entities and you are possibly thinking “surely this chick knows sexual abuse impacts how you feel about your physical self also” and of course I do. I worked through that crap long ago and used to be ok stripping off until…. Bada bing, I allowed myself to get fat while I was working through other shit. I got to about 110kg and after 2 -3 years of that decided to have gastric bypass (not lap band, the full thing)…whilst I have now lost the weight and am toning, I am embarrassed that I have a saggy arse and I really need to tone my gut. I am blessed that I didn’t end up with sheets of loose skin as I wasn’t large enough for that, but it’s scary to get naked, like really scary. I also have other scars from surgeries and my breasts very much have the whole tennis ball in a sock thing going on from a dodgy reduction many years ago. The dilemma is, I effing love sex in all it’s kinky fuckery. I want to keep exploring and experiencing everything I can. I’m a woman on a mission and have embraced the sheer delights and pleasure to be had. So If I connect with someone and think - mmmm I would really like to play with you….like now – I then panic and think, shit I have to get naked….Oh God what if I get naked and he runs away, I couldn’t cope with that – perhaps I should warn him in advance……fuck but I really want him…..shit poo bugger bum I have no idea what to do. Far out, this is the longest pile of waffle to get to the point of…."yeah, I feel vulnerable about getting naked these days, but ask me about gang rapes in cults and bob’s your uncle" Jeez Messo, I bet you’re really glad I posted. When you, Ms M and Ms D talk of vulnerability is respects of body image, is it because of how you see yourselves, or how you perceive your partner at the time sees you. I have met many very confident and intelligent who appear to have a completely inaccurate view of their bodies, often thinking they are overweight, their boobs are the wrong shape or their bum to big. Research has long shown most guys prefer average looking women, more chubby and skinny. Its hard wired back to the cave… Celebrate what you have – most guys are more gentle on themselves, maybe too gentle sometimes. Hope this helps…
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'happy0450' When you, Ms M and Ms D talk of vulnerability is respects of body image, is it because of how you see yourselves, or how you perceive your partner at the time sees you. I have met many very confident and intelligent who appear to have a completely inaccurate view of their bodies, often thinking they are overweight, their boobs are the wrong shape or their bum to big. Research has long shown most guys prefer average looking women, more chubby and skinny. Its hard wired back to the cave… Celebrate what you have – most guys are more gentle on themselves, maybe too gentle sometimes. Hope this helps… It is all about perception.....and expectations - our own and those of others.I find most women have some degree of body dysmorphia and at the end of the day, it about self love and acceptance of the skin we are in.Having said that....Given all things equal (personality, life lived etc) there are identical, size 10-12 twins standing naked, however, 1 has a nice firm body with perky boobs and arse and the other saggy, droopy and wobbly body - look me straight in the eye and tell me men (I know you can't speak on behalf of all men) wouldn't be far more attracted to the firm perky body.It is what it is
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RHP User
13 years ago
Nude up love and come stand next to me. You'll feel better!! Naked bodies (including mine) are my favourite things in the whole world. That's when I feel least vulnerable. Total freedom and liberation to accept your body just as it is. I've got more wobbly bits, jiggly bits and cuddly bits than many and you know what? Bring on the wobblefest I say!!!
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'paintme' Nude up love and come stand next to me. You'll feel better!! Naked bodies (including mine) are my favourite things in the whole world. That's when I feel least vulnerable. Total freedom and liberation to accept your body just as it is. I've got more wobbly bits, jiggly bits and cuddly bits than many and you know what? Bring on the wobblefest I say!!! 4 naked M's in a room with alcohol and mood lighting....now I did mention I was a Photographer yeah?
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happy0450
13 years ago
Quoting 'MissPoppins' Quoting 'happy0450' When you, Ms M and Ms D talk of vulnerability is respects of body image, is it because of how you see yourselves, or how you perceive your partner at the time sees you. I have met many very confident and intelligent who appear to have a completely inaccurate view of their bodies, often thinking they are overweight, their boobs are the wrong shape or their bum to big. Research has long shown most guys prefer average looking women, more chubby and skinny. Its hard wired back to the cave… Celebrate what you have – most guys are more gentle on themselves, maybe too gentle sometimes. Hope this helps… It is all about perception.....and expectations - our own and those of others. I find most women have some degree of body dysmorphia and at the end of the day, it about self love and acceptance of the skin we are in. Having said that....Given all things equal (personality, life lived etc) there are identical, size 10-12 twins standing naked, however, 1 has a nice firm body with perky boobs and arse and the other saggy, droopy and wobbly body - look me straight in the eye and tell me men (I know you can't speak on behalf of all men) wouldn't be far more attracted to the firm perky body. It is what it is Not to prolong the discussion, (great word btw - dysmorphia, albeit it sad). I take your point, however, while your hypothesis is sound, in reality, perhaps with the exception of some instanses on this site, we fall for someones personality, simle etc first, their boby while not deniying it has an influence is probably singificantly less than many women think. In reality it may be similar in importance to the way many women think of men. ??
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'MissPoppins' Quoting 'happy0450' When you, Ms M and Ms D talk of vulnerability is respects of body image, is it because of how you see yourselves, or how you perceive your partner at the time sees you. I have met many very confident and intelligent who appear to have a completely inaccurate view of their bodies, often thinking they are overweight, their boobs are the wrong shape or their bum to big. Research has long shown most guys prefer average looking women, more chubby and skinny. Its hard wired back to the cave… Celebrate what you have – most guys are more gentle on themselves, maybe too gentle sometimes. Hope this helps… It is all about perception.....and expectations - our own and those of others.I find most women have some degree of body dysmorphia and at the end of the day, it about self love and acceptance of the skin we are in.Having said that....Given all things equal (personality, life lived etc) there are identical, size 10-12 twins standing naked, however, 1 has a nice firm body with perky boobs and arse and the other saggy, droopy and wobbly body - look me straight in the eye and tell me men (I know you can't speak on behalf of all men) wouldn't be far more attracted to the firm perky body.It is what it is Miss P, Yes that a overly simplistic way of looking at it and sure, you can say guys will be attracted to the firm and perky body but you are missing one very important point though - Attraction is more than body shape. There is confidence, intelligence, willingness to please and be pleased, vanilla v non vanilla and the list of what is attractive to someone goes on.....Sooo trying this again... two size 10-12's standing next to each other. One who has wobbly and saggy bits. However she is confident in herself and what she wants, intelligent and feels sexy and is not afraid to show it. The other who has a firm body yet is not confident in herself, thinks doggy once a year is a little bit risque and undresses in the dark cause she thinks her body isn't good enough etcI know which one I would choose.
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RHP User
13 years ago
What role does those around us play in helping make vulnerability and vulnerabilities something to embrace? People close and even those not so close... I've never really thought about it before, but I wonder if I am "vulnerability-friendly"? Are you? Are vulnerabilities and insecurities different? Is a vulnerability a thing that happens when we unguard our insecurities? And that's the bravery and strength of being vulnerable, perhaps. I wonder, too, if there is such a thing as "gratuitously vulnerable", and I don't mean melodramatic or overly-emotional, I mean putting one's self 'out there' as some kind of absolver of guilt, or therapy... or even as a way to build bridges where there shouldn't be any. And, do you think places like rhp or "the scene" (the what?) attract people of more or less vulnerability, people with more or less resilience? Hmmmmmm.... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
13 years ago
I guess my vulnerability is the fact of being out there alone. Me and my partner has recently started an open relationship and all my life I have been with someone (from 1 relationship to the next) and this open relationship has given me the opportunity to get out there and explore abit which to me is very daunting. But that is my vulnerability and I need to own it and take this opportunity to fill an important step in life- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
13 years ago
I had this very same question to ask....but it was to myself. Firstly, thank you messolonghi for the thread. Vulnerability, in my view, is one thing that digs right to the core of us men, but I will try not to generalise too much. For some, myself in this example, the pain of their past is so confronting and humiliating to the individual, that they turn their back on it and hope it goes away. But, it's still there. Eating away at them like a cancer. Before long, someone that then wants to be in their life, brings that cancer to the fore, and they're inevitably forced to face it, they're ego, and most importantly themselves. But this in my view doesn't just affect men. Women too, and I do believe there IS a way to change their negative perception. I like to think of myself as one person described me as, "cerebral". I think a lot, mostly to my own detriment at times. But, the way to overcome this, is to make a choice, and I've even defined this choice, as one word. ACCEPTANCE. I've even made up a little saying about it. It goes a little like this :- "Accept my situation, without shame, or judgement, as others DO see me for WHO I am, not because of my POSSESSIONS or lack thereof. Accept without shame, my physical appearance, and change only what I can, as I am sexy beautiful because of what I stand for, and not what I look like. Accept that there are those in life that WANT to see you, in all of your ugly beauty....so let them." Make that choice to accept those who truly desire to be beside you as a friend, or whatever HT/GB/TB aka SirLurkAlot- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
13 years ago
is to allow others to see you is to allow yourself to face fear to be vulnerable is a strange and compelling beauty to be vulnerable is to have courage to be vulnerable is to take off the armour is to expose ourselves is to trust that the other will do the same
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