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RHP

RHP User

F61

The Art of Forgiveness

March 16 2013

One of things that I do like about me is that I have a forgiving nature.       When someone hurts me, but is genuine in their remorse and seeking forgiveness - I will usually examine their motives - ask questions, try to understand where their heart and head was when they chose their action and then forgive and let go. This is not to say I dont get angry and hurt at what they have done, but for me holding onto anger, is damn hard work and phsycially is not good for me...I do not believe in Karma though ( a often misunderstood and misused word) - the action starts with me - I do not believe that they will"get theirs" for their action/s against me.....I refuse to give into the emotion of it all.....I understand that people make mistakes and their actions are often kneejerk, a response.....we all have flaws simply because we are human ...malicious acts can be forgiven as well, .if we chose. I have limited time and I chose to direct my time and energy and effort towards other areas in my life....but then, this is me... I believe the person was in your life for a reason in the first place.       This week I caught up with an ex who is in hospital seriously ill and facing surgery - When my ex was a teenager his mother left his father for another man - My ex never forgave her for this action - All attempts by her thru the years to contact him was thwarted by him. In the time that we were together she fell ill with breast cancer - no amount of arguing and cajoling on my part would see him give a inch on his anger and sense of betrayal. I constantly informed him that one day he would be sorry for this stance (having lost my own mother I was very aware that you always need your mom !!) - when she died - he refused to even attend her funeral - she never saw her son again, never held her grandchildren.   The nite before his operation I sat with him listening to his many confessions and atonements - mainly about how he chosen to go thru life not forgiving the people that cared and loved him and his regret at this... (BTW he survived his op - the devil has a way of taking care of their own !!!)..and now life moves on..I wonder now if he remembers his regret from a few days before..       They say that you forigve people simply because you still want them in your life.         So, your stories... do you hold grudges, do you hang onto your hate ? does this motivate or inspire you ? Is your anger truly justified ?       Or do you try to practice the Art (and yes it is a Art) Of Forgiveness...?? can you forgive and let go....the operative words being..forgive and letting go ?

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    A great topic Shinas.Forgiveness I believe is essential to one's spiritual,emotional,psychological and physical well being.Whether or not the person who has harmed you has said they are sorry or not,it is irrelevant IMO. Anger,resentment,jealousy,will end up harming you more than anything the person who caused you to feel like this in the first place,ever did to you. Why hold on to pain,why continue to harm yourself,because that is what you are doing,and that person or people will continue to control you unless you forgive them.Don't do it for them,do it for you.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    I'm going to have a good think about this one before I post in depth. There is only one person I have never forgiven for his actions. The were so heinous that forgiveness is just not an option. I have let go of it absolutely without feeling any need to forgive. He's met his maker now so its no longer up to me anyway.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    I too have a forgiving nature..For me it was learnt over time, wasn't handed to me I had to learn it.do you hold grudges, do you hang onto your hate ? I used to hold grudges but not no more..it's too hard to do - not in my nature.I've had some horrid horrid things done to me in my life and I forgive every single person..it's helped me to move forward in my life to become a much stronger independent woman I am today.I really dislike the word "HATE"..It has to be the most ugly word commonly used..I don't like it spoken in my house and don't even like it when my daughter says that word. There is something so dark and not nice about that word..just not a word for me.does this motivate or inspire you ? Is your anger truly justified ?Actually when I forgive people I actually feel empowered..must sound silly - but it does..it inspires me to be a better person to forgive. It is awesome to forgive.I try not to be an angry person as it f*cks my brain over and eats at me..just not a nice feeling either - It's just not me..however I get mad (doesn't last long) but I think that is different to angry..being angry is ugly and very very aggressive...Aggressive people do not appeal to me what so ever...a major turn-off.I would rather go away to control my emotions, be by myself to process things, it may take me a few days to understand different things..then I become verbal and ask questions like why? etc etc once I find out what I need to...then I take action to forgive..I also say "I FORGIVE YOU".How good is it too to hear "I FORGIVE YOU" from someone...if I have hurt someone or done something that upset them..it's so good to hear those words..that feeling is soooo good.  Or do you try to practice the Art (and yes it is a Art) Of Forgiveness...?? can you forgive and let go....the operative words being..forgive and letting go ?It's really hard sometimes to practice the Art...for me it's "learning" to Forgive that's the key to Forgiveness and letting go.Understanding that others have their own motives and agendas which I have no control over.Also I think another key to forgiveness is taking control of ones self and actions.I like to think, as a parent, I'm a good-role model to my daughter regarding the act of Forgiveness.My best friend often says to me.."*insert name* you are too forgiving"..Oh and by the way I believe too, some people just don't know how to forgive, they become angry, bitter and twisted.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    Thanks for sharing your story. I have no simple answer but your question is timely and has brought a few different scenarios to mind.First off is as an adult I forgave a man despite him many times smacking me on the arse (and slipping twice when I was bending over) as well other ways he had of treating me poorly over the years I've known him. He is sick and getting very old and certainly never goes outside his boundaries with me anymore. In a general way, I think I forgive transgressions of trust but I have trouble moving past that into trusting again. I don't need toxic influences in my life when I struggle enough already. Still I try to constantly reevaluate how much I am the problem in situations. Never an easy thing to do.Which brings me to the person I have the most trouble forgiving, which is myself. I hate to think of myself as a toxic effect in anyone else's life. That is something I'm working on understanding currently, that I make mistakes and that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I let myself get sucked into no-win situations where I end up feeling shitty about myself when I would be best off avoiding those situations even if I have the best intentions to start out with. I can't control other people or even make them understand but I can work on myself. I'm being very forgiving to myself today.Thanks for the opportunity to explore those thoughts, much appreciated. Hope the weekend is treating you well, the weather is so much cooler this weekend. Peachy

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    Anger, fear, frustration, lead you to the dark side they will.It takes a lot more energy to remain angry than it does to let go, and while it might not turn you to evil, it can certainly make you no fun to be around.Forgive and forget is a good motto. Forgive those that are important to you, and forget the rest.There's nothing more energy sapping or unattractive than a person consumed with negativity.Mr C

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    Forgiveness is all about your well being. It s never about forgeting the hurt done to you.   I try my best to follow this so hurt doesn't consume me.   I am not perfect at showing this though.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    FOXY

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    I agree it is something that is very hard to do at times. My younger brother and I lived with our dad (after our mum left us) and he was getting to be a little difficult to live with after his retirement. We had a fight one day over something very trivial, and he went to hit me-my brother all of 16-intervened. I was soo angry at dad, as id done nothing wrong. I was the "good" child of the 4, top of all my subjects, didnt smoke, never wagged school , sport representative etc.... anyway things were very strained after that. One night he called out to me for help as he was having trouble breathing, so of course i rushed him to hospital-i was 19. he seemed ok, they released him. The next night the same thing, but this time i called an Ambulance, they rushed him to hospital, and he never came home. After a week of tests, examinations, and a lot of head scratching, Drs could see he was fading, but didnt know how or why. I got a call a week into his stay to tell me to get to the hospital asap. That was a Thursday nt, he was unconscious, we never got to speak to him again. He slept peacefully till Monday morning when i got a call to tell me i needed to get to him immediately-well i missed him by 2mins, he died alone. I was 19, my brother was 17. I had to grow up very quickly, call my older siblings, work places, funeral parlour etc... The point is, i still took care of him, visited him every day after work, spoke with Drs, ran the house, made sure younger brother was ok, BUT I was still upset at the way he'd treated me. WE parted with an awful tension between us, and i was devastated that i never got to say goodbye. So now, i do tend to not dwell on things, i say my peace if im angry or upset, and get on with things.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    Heals all wounds and they heal faster if you can manage forgiveness in your heart. Forgiving someone doesn't necessarily mean you have to be friends again but it allows you to move on in your life. It can be so debilitating when you have anger and hatred in you, I have seen the results of pay back and more often than not it ends in more misery and resentment from the person involved. The saying "revenge is a dish best served cold" can be true for some people but they have carried that for so long that they miss out on so many other wonderful things in life.No matter what happens to you the sun will rise tomorrow and who knows what the day will bring :)

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    Us Southern Italians are known for our forgiving nature. A horse head in your enemies bed is always a good way of displaying your intentions. =D

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  • Cheekyarses

    Cheekyarses

    13 years ago

    Great topic Shinas - but you always have fantastic topics! I have abit of a hard time forgiving ppl - once bitten, twice shy! I have been hurt over the years which has left me with not being able to forgive ppl! I also find it hard to trust n to let people break through my wall.... Some people trust way too easy n when they are hurt they forgive so easy n keep being in the same problem - they trust, get hurt but forgive - why keep putting yourself through that? I would like to forgive but have trusted too much in the past n only get hurt..... Family members have made it very hard for me to forgive!

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    Quoting 'SuperFox' FOXYKeep that in mind. All about being vulnerable, hey Foxy?

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    Quoting 'Meeka100'Us Southern Italians are known for our forgiving nature. A horse head in your enemies bed is always a good way of displaying your intentions. =D Being half Italian, I forgive half the time and the other I just use my chainsaw :-)

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    I'm terrible at holding grudges... If something is bothering me whether it be at work, at home with family, at play with friends... I HAVE to talk about it. I don't hold things in, it makes me feel physically sick if im at war with something alone in my head. I need to open up discussion and sort it out one way or the other. If that means forgiveness and said person is 'worth' their friendship, etc... then of course i can forgive.. whether i forget, well thats another matter.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    What an awesome topic Shinas For me I am a forgiving person and glass half full has its advantages. If someone is genuinely sorry then unless it is something drastic then whats the point of holding on to all that anger and let go and move on. One thing I have learnt recently is that there are two sides to every story and not everything is black and white. My sister on the other hand is the opposite and still holds on to a grudge with a family member for about 20 years. People change, aren't perfect and make mistakes that they come to regret.... You can't go back in time either.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    Thank you Shinas for this thread.Well again I think I will be the bad guy here once again. I can not forgive and I can not ask for forgiveness. To forgive for me is to forget. So I can not forget also. However I don't hold any grudges for any one from my past. I just cut any connection and communication with the persons that did something huge to me. I do not hate them but I do not care either about them. On the other hand I am a person who is polite with 99% of people that surrounds me. If someone feels that I heart his/her feelings it would be for two reasons; 1) accidentally and in this case I just admit how stupid I am that I cross her/his lines. 2) Not accidentally and in this case there is nothing to admit or to apologize. In our days I believe the word "sorry" has totally lost its meaning and to tell the truth it is hard for me to use it... There are plenty of words and more important actions to testify if I am sorry or not. Perhaps god can forgive, me as a common mortal I can not.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    I respect everyone I have known by honoring the good times we've shared . There was something that attracted me to that person in the beginning & I prefer to hold onto that . Even if that person undermines me & we go our separate ways , I still care for that person . Life's too short for carrying Grudges . It's a wasted Emotion . If I connect with someone , on any level , I will never forget that connection . GG♒- Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    Forgiveness and Forgetting are two very different things for me. Forgiveness I do for me, because I choose not to carry that bitterness within me. Choosing not to forget, I also do for me, I'm not going to allow anyone to continue to hurt me in the same manner again and again, nor walk into relationships with the same type of people again and again. I learn from my mistakes and make conscious decisions about who I spend time with. I am not someone who has thin skin, I'm not easily hurt and I don't create imagined hurts, but if someone intentionally or carelessly hurts me they don't get a second chance. I believe that actions speak louder than words, chances are high that someone who is careless with your feelings will always be that way, so I learn the lesson the first time! - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    I'm good at forgiving now, though I wasn't always. I agree with Mr C in saying that forgiving takes so much less energy than continuing to feeding the negative emotions, which in the end may consume you. By forgiving someone I do not condone their actions, I am merely saying that I am letting go of all my ill feelings towards them. For my sake, not theirs. This feeling is very empowering, and in the past I have felt a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. Forgiving for me means taking back the power that someone else had taken for me. A long time ago an ex cheated on me, and he was genuinly devastated. He begged me to forgive him, and I told him I would, but only when I was completely ready to let it go and never bring it up in an argument ever again. Only then would my forgiveness really mean something. I did forgive him, and never felt the need to mention it after that. Forgiving him when I really meant it gave me a huge sense of relief. It did not mean I ever forgot it though. Then there are of course the people who have no remorse at all. I watched a court case on tv, of the Green River serial killer. The families of the victims were given a chance to speak, while the killer stared and smirked at them. There were a lot of tears and anger. Until one victim's father simply said "Sir, you are forgiven". At that, there was a stunned silence, and it was the killer who broke down in tears. It was THE most powerful, as well as empowering moment. This man had taken his power back, and left the murderer with nothing.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    I'm good at forgiving now, though I wasn't always. I agree with Mr C in saying that forgiving takes so much less energy than continuing to feeding the negative emotions, which in the end may consume you. By forgiving someone I do not condone their actions, I am merely saying that I am letting go of all my ill feelings towards them. For my sake, not theirs. This feeling is very empowering, and in the past I have felt a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. Forgiving for me means taking back the power that someone else had taken for me. A long time ago an ex cheated on me, and he was genuinly devastated. He begged me to forgive him, and I told him I would, but only when I was completely ready to let it go and never bring it up in an argument ever again. Only then would my forgiveness really mean something. I did forgive him, and never felt the need to mention it after that. Forgiving him when I really meant it gave me a huge sense of relief. It did not mean I ever forgot it though. Then there are of course the people who have no remorse at all. I watched a court case on tv, of the Green River serial killer. The families of the victims were given a chance to speak, while the killer stared and smirked at them. There were a lot of tears and anger. Until one victim's father simply said "Sir, you are forgiven". At that, there was a stunned silence, and it was the killer who broke down in tears. It was THE most powerful, as well as empowering moment. This man had taken his power back, and left the murderer with nothing.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    I feel it takes a lot of inner strength to forgive someone and actually move on in life and more importantly take as a lesson in life so the same mistakes are not repeated. Bashing head against a brick wall a couple of times starts to hurt after a while.I think its important not to confuse someone who is able to forgive as someone who is soft or weak somehow. I choose to forgive someone and on the reverse when needed I am a strong person who doesn't let people walk all over me either. Like most things in life I think a balance between both sides is needed.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    I am generally a pretty forgiving person but a couple recent things have tested me. Finding out my cousin was put in jail for things I always thought were unforgiveable, tested it beyond belief and when i found out how close to home it was it was hard to find forgiveness. I've come to accept his remorse but he will never have my trust or be welcome in my home. Unforgiving? Maybe. sometimes all it takes is an apology and taking responsibility for ones actions that determines whether I can forgive and forget.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    13 years ago

    Beautiful words...but more importantly beautiful actions

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