M55
Tell us you funniest rudest joke!
January 25 2011
Comments
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RHP User
15 years ago
I feel stupid. I lost the pub trivia on the last question last night. The question was, "Where do woman have the curliest hair"? Apparently, the answer is Fiji.
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RHP User
15 years ago
A priest booked into a motel and said, "I hope the porn channel is disabled." The girl behind the counter said, "No, it's just normal porn, you sick prick".
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RHP User
15 years ago
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotised 7 blokes then dropped the mike on his footAnd said "F#*k me". What happened next will haunt me forever.
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RHP User
15 years ago
What's green, has 8 wheels and lays on the ground? . . . . . . . grass. . I lied about the wheels. . . . I'm never going to get laid again after telling that joke, am i?
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RHP User
15 years ago
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins?' Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm Jewish.' Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!
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RHP User
15 years ago
There was a Sailor who had been out at sea for MONTHS! The Ship docked at Garden Island and he was absolutely dying for sex...he was sooooooooo horny! He decided as he didn't spend his money for months that he would splash out and get a hooker. < He goes straight to Kings Cross and walks into the first Brothel he sees. He tells the Madam that he has been at sea and needs sex straight away. She tells him that all her girls are very busy except one, Sally. He asks to see her as he needs it straight away!! She explains that this woman is 75 years old and is not attractive at all. He asks if there is any way he will be allowed to turn off the light? She didn't see a problem with this. So he hands over his money and is taken upstairs! < As he walks in the room he notices a very old and unattractive woman sitting in the middle of bed...and boy she was UUU-G-L-Y! She had a fag hanging out of her mouth....her tits were sagging down to her knees and her flaps were hanging down to her ankles...She was OFF! But, as he was sooo desperate for sex he didn't care! < He turned off the light and then walked in stripped and jumped on the bed...he put his cock in her straight away and pumped away for about a minute...all of a sudden he stopped...pulled out and was moaning in pain! Sally asked him what was wrong to which he replied.."Shit, that feels like sandpaper"...She said "Hang on for a minute". As the room was pitch black he couldn't see what was going on! > A couple of minutes later Sally laid back down and said "Now try again"...He glided his cock in her pussy and was soon panting and moaning in pleasure. It didn't take long at all before he had a long drawn out orgasm. "Mmmm" he said .. "That was the best sex EVER! You were so wet and it felt FANTASTIC, what did you do, what lube did you use?"...Sally turned to him and said "Oh it wasn't lube...I just picked the scabs and let the puss run for a couple of minutes" xFunlovingx
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RHP User
15 years ago
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast we can start swearing." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw sh it, mum, I guess I'll have some cereal." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mum locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet it won't be the fuc king cereal!"
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RHP User
15 years ago
An Irishman applied for a Job as a Farrier..... The Interviewer asked him, had he had any Experience in Shoeing Horses ? He Replied, No, But i told a Donkey to Fuck off once..... Yeah i know it's not a dirty one but it made me laugh when i got it lol
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RHP User
15 years ago
OMG FUNLOVING - that was absolutely gross!!!!!!!! What a shocker. hahahahahahahahaxxM
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RHP User
15 years ago
That was a shockerHeres oneA women arrives hoe from work too see her husband blow drying his cockWhat the fuck are you doing shes screams at himHe replies warming up your dinner you ungreatful cow
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RHP User
15 years ago
That just isn't funny at all Funloving. :p Ewwwwhhh *spit* *sputter* Please burn it out of my brain!HugsStalky
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RHP User
15 years ago
Quoting 'stalky' That just isn't funny at all Funloving. :p Ewwwwhhh *spit* *sputter* Please burn it out of my brain!HugsStalky Awww come on Stalky..stop being such a pussy...it's sooooooo grossssss it is VERY funny hahahaha! Enjoy breaky? xFunlovingx
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RHP User
15 years ago
A man walks into a bar and asked the barman for a double scotch which he promptly slammed down...he then orders another which he also knocks straight back...barman asks " you are making short work of those what's the occasion mate " ... man replies " I got my first blow job today "... Barman says " That's fantastic have another on the house" ... man says " No thanks if 2 won't take the taste away nothing will "
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RHP User
15 years ago
Funloving....omfg.....how the hell can i unread that??GROSS!!!But funny....but gross!! lmao!BJxxx
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RHP User
15 years ago
and the bartender says, "hey, everyone check out the size of this guys cock."
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RHP User
15 years ago
A guy walks into a brothel, picks out a girl, settles on a price and takes her upstairs. Gets to the room rips his clothes off. as the girl lays down her spreads her legs, and goes down on her, as he is licking he finds a bit of potatoe, stops thinks about it, and continues. Couple of minutes later he finds a Pea, thinks about it and goes right on eating her pussy. Just as she is about to come he finds a bit of Carrott.....being feed up with this he raises his head and asks the girl " Are you sick or something".........the girl answers " NO BUT THE GUY BEFORE YOU WAS "
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RHP User
15 years ago
inkys.......YUK!!!lmao!BJxxx
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RHP User
15 years ago
Quoting 'theone1983' and the bartender says, "hey, everyone check out the size of this guys cock." Brilliant... I know just the guy to stand next to when I tell this joke. :)HugsStalky
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RHP User
15 years ago
I am having a hard time telling which is grosser, Sally Sandpaper or the Pukey Pussy :) Either way, I think I have thrown up in my mouth a bit, and I have forgotten all about posting a joke! Hahaha...
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RHP User
15 years ago
theone1983 - I don't get it? Meeka
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RHP User
15 years ago
A horse walks into a bar.... Hugs Stalky
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RHP User
15 years ago
Quoting 'stalky'A horse walks into a bar.... Hugs Stalky So is it a male horse?
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RHP User
15 years ago
hang on... what was it doing in the bar?
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RHP User
15 years ago
ive been trying to think of an explanation for that joke for 15min and i know i'll fuck the explanation up. its just a rodney rude style joke. it came to me the other day while i was on the toilet doing a shit. i dont know if i made it up or if im remembering it from somewhere. true story.
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RHP User
15 years ago
Beth and her friends are out clubbing one Friday night when she meets a handsome guy by the bar. They talk, connect, and end up leaving together. When they get back to his place, he shows her around his apartment. |One odd thing she notices is that an entire wall of his bedroom is devoted to a collection of stuffed toys arranged on shelves. The bottom shelf contains lots of small stuffed animals. The next shelf up contains slightly larger ones, and so on, all the way up to the top shelf, which contains gigantic teddy bears.|Beth is a little surprised that a man would have such a sizable collection of stuffed animals but she decides not to be judgemental. In reality, she is actually impressed that he is willing to show his sensitive side to someone he just met. One thing leads to another and before long they are making love. |The next morning, after a night of intense passion, she wakes up next to him. As she notices him waking up also, she rolls over and asks, smiling, "was it good for you, too?" The man shrugs and tells her she can have any prize she likes from the bottom shelf.|A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now. because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause we're going down the tracks.|The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train.but I want you to use nice language!"|Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say. "All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon!"|She heard her little darling continue. "For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."|As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." |Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils. "Johnny,what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office. The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.|He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic. "What is three times three?" "Nine, Sir." "How much is nine times six?" "Fifty-four." And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade student should know. The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."|Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agreed. |Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"|"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" "Pockets!"|"OK,what does a dog do that a man steps into?" "Pants."|"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" "Coconut."|"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum!"|"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" "Shake hands, Ma'am."|"Now for some 'Who am I' sort of questions, OK? First one: You stick your pole inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do." Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!" | "OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"|"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." "Nose."|"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver." "Arrow."|"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?" "Firetruck, Ma'am!"|The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!" |xFx...you are still leading the charge for the grossest joke, but what is scary? How many emails have you gotten that asked do you know her and where does she live? Think I will eat leftover pizza this morning again... | ...you put me right off eggs benedict for a while!
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RHP User
15 years ago
Quoting 'theone1983' ive been trying to think of an explanation for that joke for 15min and i know i'll fuck the explanation up. its just a rodney rude style joke. it came to me the other day while i was on the toilet doing a shit. i dont know if i made it up or if im remembering it from somewhere. true story. It may or may not be relevant... but were you looking down at the time? :pHugsStalky
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RHP User
15 years ago
Why did Camelot cum a lot? Answer: Because he fiddled with his Sir Lancelot!!!! (Lame I know haha). What is long, hard and full of seaman? Answer: A submarine.
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RHP User
15 years ago
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa!"
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RHP User
15 years ago
This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note 'Off to the grocery store'. He hasn't been 'getting any' so decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick. As soon as he gets home, in goes the film and out comes his junk. Before you know it the masturbation is happening at a furious pace. Before long he's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blowjob of his life. Then, without a word, she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen. The guy is sitting there stunned and amazed at what had just happened. After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes. He asks her "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come in and blow me. What happened?!" His wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean it again."
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captainkaos
15 years ago
This joke is better said when the elderly couple have a jewish accent.... An elderly couple go to the doctor to have the husband checked out for some problems. The doctor says that he would like to get a specimen of the mans urine, feces and semen. The man, who is hard of hearing says"what did you say?" The doctor said that I would like to get a specimen of your urine, your feces and your semen. The old man again said "What did you saaaay?" The doctor repeated himself again. He said"I would like to get a specimen of your urine, your feces and your semen." The old man turned to his wfe and said"What did he say?" She turned to his ear and said "He wants to see your pyjama pants."
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RHP User
15 years ago
some great jokes there although I think fun_lovings and ink junkies may be responsible for causing an aversion to pussy eatinglove meeka's one in the same vien, A termite goes into a bar and asks "where is the bar tender?"and at the risk of being called sexist What is the perfect woman? She'd be about 3 foot tall with a flat head. So blow jobs come naturally to her and you've got some where to put your beer!
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RHP User
15 years ago
Little Red Riding Hood is packing her basket to take to grandmother's house. . Her mum sees her and says: 'Little Red Riding Hood , the Big Bad Wolf is out in the woods and if he sees you he is going to pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red knickers, and fu&k your little red socks off!' . Little Red Riding Hood shows her mum a gun, and says, 'I have this gun mum and that wolf isn't going to mess with me!' Her mum is happy and sends her on her way, skipping through the woods... . until she comes across the Woodcutter. The Woodcutter sees her and says: 'Little Red Riding Hood , the Big Bad Wolf is out in the woods and if he sees you he is going to pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red knickers, and fu&k your little red socks off!' . Little Red Riding Hood shows the woodcutter her gun, and says, 'I have this gun Mr Woodcutter and that wolf isn't going to mess with me!' The woodcutter is happy and sends her on her way, skipping through the woods... . until she comes across the Big Bad Wolf ! The Big Bad Wolf sees her and says: 'Grrrr, Little Red Riding Hood , I'm going pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red knickers, and fu&k your little red socks off!' . Little Red Riding Hood whips out her gun and points it at the Big Bad Wolf and says: 'Oh no you're not Mr Wolf! You're going to eat me, like the book says!'
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RHP User
15 years ago
a man on his way home from work decides to buy his wife some flowers as a treat just for being a loving wife, the wife is so happy with her husband that she decides to treat him to something in return.when the man walks into the bedroom and sees his naked wife laying on the bed with her knees in the air and her legs spread apart, she says "for the flowers" he replies "for god sake woman cant you find a vase"
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RHP User
15 years ago
A man went into an urologist and told him he washaving a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect. The doctor checked him out then told him that themuscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viralinfection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing totake the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella.'The man thought about it for a while. The thoughtof having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So,with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the mandecided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given thegreen light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result he planned a romantic evening with hisgirlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In themiddle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued tothe point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread rolland returned to his trousers. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then witha sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?' With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can,but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'
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RHP User
15 years ago
you all think the irish are dumb ???????? well scotch finger biscuits...........
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RHP User
15 years ago
a man comes home after being at the pub and says to his wife... The postman was at the pub saying he has every woman in this street but one .. and his wife replies .. I bet it's the stuck up bitch in number 23 ...
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RHP User
15 years ago
Do you know why the first thing a woman does in the morning is go to the toilet? .. You ever tried to peel apart a toasted cheese sandwich ?
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RHP User
15 years ago
A Truckie has been away from home for several weeks and decides to go to a brotel, he walks up to the lady at the desk, slaps $5000 down on the bench and says " I want the most unattractive women here wearing a flano and trackie pants to bring me up a burnt steak, then give me the worst lay possible". The madam at the counter is shocked and say "for that price i can give u the sexiest women i have naked with a steak cooked to perfection and a lay that you will never forget". the truckie sighs and says look honey I'm not horny I'm home sick.. I know its an old one but still makes me laugh
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RHP User
15 years ago
Oh Rooster41 Im still laughing at that one luv it. . . A man looks up from the couch to see his wife standing in front of him wearing only a pair of crotchless panties, she starts moving her hips seductively giving him a good ole view of what was on offer, "You want some of this"? she says The husband replies, "Fuck no, look what it's done to your undies woman" !!!!!
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RHP User
15 years ago
and asks the madam for the most disease-ridden hooker available."Why?" asks the madam."I wanna catch the clap." says Little Johnny."Why on earth do you want to catch the clap?" asks the madam."I wanna catch the clap so I can go home and give it to the baby sitter. She'll give it to dad, dad'll give it to mum, mum'll give it to the postman 'cos he's the bastard that ran over my pet frog!"
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RHP User
15 years ago
Cinderella was getting ready for the ball, with her Fairygodmother fussy around her, reminding her not to be home one stroke after midnight or her diaphram will turn into a bloody great pumpkin!! "Yes , yes I heard you the first time ,"she says and off she trots to the ball all frocked up and wearing her lucky undies. . As midnight gets very near the Fairy Godmother is sitting impatiently tapping her foot....waiting midnight comes and goes, as does 1am and 2am. She starts to cry as she knows the horrible things that would have happened to poor Cinders. When bugger me dead in she stumbles at 3am pissed as a cricket, undies in her hand, and stockings ripped to all buggery. "My god girl WHAT happened, but the pumkin, how did you survive?" Cinderella replies with a big cheezy grin, "Oh fairyGodmother Ive met the most wonderful man tonight at the ball, his name is Peter Peter"
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RHP User
15 years ago
Kids are growing up so fast these days. I was in the waiting room at the doctor's the other day and noticed a young girl, about 6 or 7 playing with a Barbie and Ken doll. She had Barbie on all 4's and Ken in the doggie position behind her. I leant down and said "If you keep that up... you're going to end up with little baby Barbie's" to which she replied . . "I don't think so dickhead. He's doing her up the arse"
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RHP User
15 years ago
from the pub an she takes him home to her place. coupla drinks, bitta smoke an they in thesack a bit wasted. best screw he had in ages an lays back ta sleep. fuck, he got the munchies bad an she snoring.reaches round the bed an finds a jar of ANZAC bickies so hoes in an goes ta sleep.next mornin he asks her how she was so great an recons she just picked orf the scabs ankeeps em in a jar beside the bed.ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaEarl
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RHP User
15 years ago
Whats yellow an goes slam, slam, slam slam?????????a 4 door banana, ahahahahahahahahahha.ok it not rooooly rood but it got banana in it,aahahahahahahahahahahhaEarl
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RHP User
15 years ago
A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND'S ARE HER LEGS, BUT EVEN BEST FRIEND'S MUST PART SOMETIMES !!!!
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RHP User
15 years ago
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck upa conversation.The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are youhere?"The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, thecurtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when Ipissed in the middle of my owner's bed."The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?"Gonna cut my nuts off "came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckonit'll calm me down.The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "Why are you here?"The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers andtrees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up thecarpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole inmy owners' couch.""So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired."Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?""I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump thecat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everythingI see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bendingdown to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her backand started hammering away."The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it'snuts off for you too, huh?The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
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RHP User
15 years ago
What's white and goes up and down in a Pram? A paedophile's Bum. . Why don't black children play in sand-pit's? Cats keep covering them up. . What part of a vegetable can you never get in the pot? The Wheelchair. and... What's blue and white and stands in a field? A Cow in a Track-suit. . Yeeesh!
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RHP User
15 years ago
more in bad taste..................Female aliens are kidnapping men with big cocks. Obviously, you're not in danger but I'm just texting you to let you know this space ship is fucking awesome! Went 2 kitchen this morning. Wife was face down not breathing. I panicked! Didn't know what 2 do!!!! Then i remembered mcdonalds do brekky till 10.30 :)Was shagging a bird the other night, and she said "don't put it up my arse!" I had to explain it's traditional for the person with the knife to make those decisions!What is the difference between a woman and a fridge...........THe fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out........
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RHP User
15 years ago
I was sitting on a train this morning opposite this really sexy Thai bird. God she was HOT!!! I thought to myself please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection, but she did!!!! . . My missus asked me to go shopping and while I was out get her something to make her look sexy. Apparently two bottles of vodka and a case of Strongbow cider wasn't what she had in mind. . . I met a girl in the park last night. There was a spark between us immediately and she just fell at my feet. As I was shagging her I thought.........geez these taser guns are fantastic for the money. . . A husband and wife are going through a bit of a rough patch in their marriage. So he decides to take her out for a romantic Valentines dinner. They are both just sitting there staring down at their drinks, not really knowing what to say, when the husband say's "I really love you". The wife replies "Well, is that you or your beer talking". He looks up at her and says "No ,That's me talking to my beer".
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RHP User
15 years ago
I was driving home one night , late from work again and it was our wedding anniversary. I quickly stopped and picked up a very very expensive bottle of wine for my husband and I to enjoy before embarking on a night of unbridled sex to make it up to him. As I went on my way , driving through a lonely stretch of road I see an old Navaho lady shuffling along the roadside, and though Im already late I decide to pick her up. She seems very grateful but doesn't say a word to me, just looks at me with her wise old eyes and nods. After many attempts at making conversation Im starting to feels uncomfortable. When from the side I hear her ask me," Whats in bag?" "Oh its a very expensive bottle of wine" I replied excited that she was talking, " I got it for my husband" The Navaho woman turns her head back to the front, purses her lips, and nods very wisely....... "MMMM " she says, "Good trade"!
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RHP User
15 years ago
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls ,sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"The guy says "No, what?""He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!""Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks."No, what?" replies the guy."Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender."Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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RHP User
15 years ago
A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me..
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RHP User
15 years ago
There's a chicken and an egg sitting next to each other in bed. The chicken turns to the egg and says, "well, I guess that answers that question."
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RHP User
15 years ago
Quoting 'EvilTwin81'A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa!" Terrible Muriel! It would make a good comic funny!
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RHP User
15 years ago
God! Haven't heard that in YEARS!!! No!! DECADES!!! SOOOOOO GROSS!!
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RHP User
15 years ago
Quoting 'stuckinthemiddle'There's a chicken and an egg sitting next to each other in bed. The chicken turns to the egg and says, "well, I guess that answers that question." Love it!!!
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RHP User
15 years ago
A man races in from the mailbox waving a package in front of his girlfriend, 'Look honey, my olympic medal condoms have arrived, woohooo" he whips of the packaging and rips one out. "guess who's going to be a lucky girl tonight? think I'll wear the gold medal one" the girlfriend look up at him and says "Pffff" "Why don't you wear the Silver and try cumming second for a change"
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RHP User
15 years ago
Quoting 'creamykit10'God! Haven't heard that in YEARS!!! No!! DECADES!!! SOOOOOO GROSS!! Funny how there are certain jokes you never forget...I heard that joke about 30 years ago and it has stuck with me then...it is so gross it is funny hahaha! xFunlovingx
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RHP User
15 years ago
Did you hear about the prostitute who got her appendix removed? Now she's making money on the side.
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RHP User
15 years ago
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
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RHP User
15 years ago
the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex.The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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RHP User
15 years ago
A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his Mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, So you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"
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RHP User
15 years ago
Whats the worst smell in the world? An Anchovy's Vagina !!!!!
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