M46
Sperm donation - thoughts?
January 21 2013
Comments
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RHP User
13 years ago
selflesslover as to whether or not your progeny will know who you are,have access to your family medical records etc.Will your children be able to meet you if they want to and if you have a curiosity about their welfare will you be able to keep in contact with the families that they are born into? I think it is a great thing that you are doing but I just wonder about the future and how they and you will feel in 10-20 years.
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RHP User
13 years ago
You need to change your name....maybe INSPIRATINALLOVER!!I think it's a wonderful thing you have done...giving a gift.I have a dear friend who is in a gay relationship.After going through all the right channels, legal stuff, policies and procedures now has a wonderful son to complete her family, from an anonymous donation. Her son will never know who his biological father is as he does not want contact - and that's OK.As my friend quoted to me "Does it take a mother and father to raise a child or village?"My friend and her partner have spoken to their child(age 9) and told him that he was conceived from a donation of love.He is a happy boy and has a wonderful loving family.I think that's beautiful - something special...I believe selflesslover Karma will come your way one day - in a good way.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Freya, all of these are topics that I put a lot of thought into and which are covered in the contract I have with the parties I have donated to. Donating isn't something to go out and do on a whim, there are a lot of issues to be considered, such as those you have raised. One of the couples I donated to, did it through an IVF clinic as a "known donor" and that involved over 20 hours of my time with doctors and a psychologist making sure I understood all of the issues, going over my family background including full medical history and discussing my reasons for wanting to donate.In my situation, I have agreed to allow the parents raising the child/ren to decide when they will be told about myself and if they want to meet myself (and my children, their half siblings) then I am happy to do so. I also keep in contact with the couples I have donated to and they send me photos on a regular basis.That said, that is how things work for me and the couples I have donated to. If someone else was only comfortable donating on an anonymous basis and didn't want any involvement or contact thereafter, then I don't think their actions would be any less noble than mine.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Thanks SuperFox and glad to hear that your friend was able to get through all the hurdles and now enjoys a child of her own. Quoting 'SuperFox' You need to change your name....maybe INSPIRATINALLOVER!!I believe selflesslover Karma will come your way one day - in a good way.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I think it's an awesome thing you've done Selflesslover, i totally understand your reasons. I also think once you've enjoyed the joy a child can bring you feel for those who can't experience it. Several of my in laws struggled to conceive and maintain a pregnancy so i've observed the suffering first hand. 8 years ago when i knew my family was complete i donated eggs to a lovely lady who had been trying for years to conceive on her own. Although i responded to an advetisement in a parenting magazine, we took some time to get to know each other, her and her partner met my then husband and our children in our home, we met many times and discussed the details and i agreed that it would be their decicision if the child knew about myself and our children, they have access to my contact details and full medical history, i underwent DNA testing and full medical and then went through the full hormonal cycle. before having my eggs harvested under an anesthetic. My older children and family are aware of this, and my reasons for donating, so that if the child ever makes contact it's not going to be an unpleasant suprise
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RHP User
13 years ago
Well done Karynb, glad to hear you were willing and able to help someone in need out.It is a very involved process for the donor but certainly worth the effort as far as I'm concerned.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'karynb' I think it's an awesome thing you've done Selflesslover, i totally understand your reasons. I also think once you've enjoyed the joy a child can bring you feel for those who can't experience it. Several of my in laws struggled to conceive and maintain a pregnancy so i've observed the suffering first hand. 8 years ago when i knew my family was complete i donated eggs to a lovely lady who had been trying for years to conceive on her own. Although i responded to an advetisement in a parenting magazine, we took some time to get to know each other, her and her partner met my then husband and our children in our home, we met many times and discussed the details and i agreed that it would be their decicision if the child knew about myself and our children, they have access to my contact details and full medical history, i underwent DNA testing and full medical and then went through the full hormonal cycle. before having my eggs harvested under an anesthetic. My older children and family are aware of this, and my reasons for donating, so that if the child ever makes contact it's not going to be an unpleasant suprise AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW gave me shivers!! What a nice thing to do...I admire people like yourself!!
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RHP User
13 years ago
I had no idea that sperm donations were a rarity. I think you've done a great thing. There's probably a great chance that the people who have to go through this much effort to have children will be excellent parents as apposed to the ones who pump out child after child to claim more funds from Centerlink. I kinda' wish I could help out but, after our seventh child, Jennylee sent me to be snipped.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I have a lovely friend who assisted a Lesbian couple he knnows to have a child. He doesnt have contact with the child however there is the understanding in place that should the child ask then my friend is comfortale enough to meet him. I have nothing but admiration for those who donate sperm or eggs to assit those who can not have children naturally. Kisses Focus
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RHP User
13 years ago
I guess it’s up to me to post the unpopular post Firstly may I point out – I do not have children. It was never in my life plan to have any (I chose a career instead) and after enduring chemotherapy twice in my life – age 19 and then again at 42 – I never believed I could fall pregnant even if I did have a overwhelming desire to do so…. When I was first told at 19 – that I was infertile as a result of treatment– naturally I was sad, but at that time I had decided to pursue my chosen career and I just accepted that this was my destiny and that was that. And from that grew my acceptance of the situation My first husband was cool with it…we talked about adoption in the far future – never happened… My second husband had a child by his first marriage. Sadly his young daughter from this marriage aged 8 was killed – so even if I had wanted children (and a bloody medical miracle would have had to have happened in order for this event to occur) my husband wouldn’t even entertain the thought of having another child – no, not even a foster or adopted child – his reasoning was that he was not prepared to have his heart ripped out again, that he could not and would not go through that trauma again (irrational I know but he was convinced if he loved again, it would result in this unbearable pain and grief happening to him yet again) so, even though at that point I was very open to fostering/adopting, I again had to accept that this was mine/our destiny. Very few marriages survive the death of a child…the pain and grief intensifies thru the years ..sometimes it diminishes but this was not the case with us…and so our marriage disintegrated and that was that… again I just had to accept and play the cards I was dealt.. When I was 42 I fell sick again….and it was well and truly reinforced to me that I would never ever have children – no surprise there, as I hadn’t use birth control since I was like 18 – except condoms for STI purposes 19, so I just accepted this. Low and behold at 46, guess who fell pregnant ??………….yep never saw that one coming and sure as hell no one but no one was more shocked than I (ok except the father)……..sadly due to age and past medical history I lost the baby at 17 weeks, kismet – I believe it all happened for reason but yes I was devastated. Now If I may…OP and Karynby – what unique and selfless characters you are …………I admire your kind gifts of donation and all the happiness that they have brought – I truly do….and as a huge supporter of organ donation, I applaud your love, care and selflessness acts – but this is where I wrestle with my ethics.. I accepted my fate that I was just not meant to have children – and I also appreciate that it was easier for me to do, because all those years ago I chose a career of which was all consuming and children were on the agenda in later life (till I fell ill) - I accept that I was even robbed (not a good word I know) of being a step mother because yet again fate intervened. Please note that I am a scientist and a doctor, so I completely applaud and laud all the medical advances that make it possible for anyone to have a baby nowadays ( all being well) and I am in awe of the advances in medicine and science that allows this to happen.. I’m not judgemental – I am all for parenting – being it traditional, gay couples, single – whatever - my own criteria is simple –that you are loving committed parent and value and love your children accordingly (which I am sure is the case with most) irrespective of your circumstances, sexual orientation, religion, cultural etc…Im cool with it all The nagging issue in the back of my head ( and I agree with all that Freya wrote) is this… 7 billion people in the world, millions of children living in poverty – and many will be lucky to see the age of 5… I lived in Africa for 4 years working in the medical field. I saw and experienced many things…but what will always remain in my memory is the children – what hope and chances are there for the children who are already here ??. Where I believe our fight should be is to modify if not change…the beyond incomprehensible and ludicrous adoption laws that Australia has regarding overseas adoptions (the US where I come from are more lax)……………… If your body , genetic makeup, or just plain old fate dictates that biologically you are just not meant to be a parent, then is science the only answer that you will entertain ??? Can one not just accept (yes it’s a tough word ) their destiny and find solace and comfort for their maternal needs elsewhere ? in perhaps adopting/fostering etc…or is it because the laws here are so unfriendly that you do pursue other alternatives…? I’m 48 – no I still don’t have children and I cannot adopt and that would be my wish- and the reason for this is simple - it has nothing to do with my career, money, single parent status etc….but because yet again I am ill and accordingly I fail the very strict criteria…which fair enough…so I channel my energies into my besties 3 kids – a fair bit of co-parenting goes on there as the besties husband is FIFO and due to my illness I lived with my bestie for 12 months…the kids are great love - them to death……………I’m lucky they are in my life and they have accepted me without question………. And I know all the words to the Shrek movie with the best of them…………and when I yell at them for the 9th time to settle and to go to sleep ..they finally do…I am a voice of authority.. But I do still wonder about all those kids in 3rd world countries………………who will never ever know what it’s like to have a full little tummy ..week after week..:(
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RHP User
13 years ago
... I too share Shinas sentiments on adoption. I also have a great deal of respect for those who foster. And Shinas I'm gonna have to refrain from reading your posts. They have such an affect on me. Big hug ... KK xx
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RHP User
13 years ago
The movie at Somerville the week before last was about sperm. Donation and the after effects, Magnified no doubt..... But worth a watch if it comes to Luna or download..... 533 children.... 142 searching.... Go look see before you hand the sperm over.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Shinas, firstly let me say i always look forward to your posts, they are always articulate and insightful, and i can see that fate does appear to have left you with no choice BUT accept your childless circumstances. I agree wholeheartedly that adoption should be made easier. But it's not for everyone. Just as donating is not for everyone. I feel childless couples should have as many options as possible in order to find a solution that suits the individuals involved.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I would, but only via natural insemination ;)
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RHP User
13 years ago
Your generous gift (and the OP’s) are such selfless acts – I admire and respect you both….and you are completely rite in saying that adoption is not for everyone ( I could not agree more) - I understand that people want their own children – a reflection of both parents – people want their own legacy –and I understand and get that…I just wish that the adoption method was more user friendly here though and that people are not discourage or only look at science as their only alternative I have g/f who has just been thru the whole IVF process – now it is amazing yet tedious, frustrating, heartbreaking process and yet beyond joyous… when it works..but at times it simply does not – my g/f has lost weight, spent over $30 grand, has put her marriage under incredible stress, hormonal seesaw , cried endless tears with water in hand (too scared to drink in case it upsets her treatment) and has been on this merry go around for just on 5 years to no avail After much discussion with counsellors, psychologists, doctors, family, girlfriends she has now decided to give IVF away – it appears (and I stress appears) this is no longer an option for them…..but now due to the strict (over the top) adoption laws in this country – she will have to wait approx. 7 years for a adopted child from Africa or Asia by that time making her 46 and may rule her out ………….I understand how desperately she wants and needs a child..I just wish that she had considered adoption earlier and not looked at IVF as the be all and end all..cause occasionally it sadly just does not work !!! and the irony is (if there is any) she is one of those people who I believe would just be a absolutely awesome mom !!! Too many sad stories…:(
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RHP User
13 years ago
Shinasbabe - on the flip side people would say that your argument should also mean that contraception should not be allowed as it is nature who can choose to have children or not. We now have the ability and science to choose whether we have children in our lives and how they come into it. I dont have children, I have no desire to have children and I am very clear and adamant on this fact. I have chosen not to have children in my life however I fully applaud those who choose to have children in their lives and hold those like Karynb, the OP and my friend in high esteem for assisting those who can not natrally conceive to realise their dreams. Kisses Focus
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RHP User
13 years ago
and one to consider..and yes medicine and science are ebyond fantastic that it allows us to some degree to control so many issues - but every so often we cant But that definitely wasnt my angle ....as I said..this was my issue..what I wrestle with...and naturally we all come from own experiences and perspectives ....and I am heartened by the Op and KarynB selfless acts..its actions like this that reinforce to me that mankind is still basically good... I hope you are well..:)
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RHP User
13 years ago
...but it's my understanding that the Australian Government's opposition to overseas odoption is based on the belief that a child should be raised in his/her native culture. Rather than have that culture robbed from them, by raising them in a foreign country, they would rather see charities and foreign aid make it possible for them to be raised in their homeland. I guess it depends on how you view the importance of cultural identity as to whether you agree with this priority. I'm undecided. Once I would have agreed wholeheartedly but in this day and age, where all cultures are being eroded, I'm no longer sure. Giving others a chance to bear and raise children is a seperate issue for me. I'm very much in favor.
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RHP User
13 years ago
and the Oz govt are pretty much on the button as far as I can see. Again Shinas your post is eruduite and touching, however as seen in australias' recent past removing kids from their homes and promising them a better life has been an unmitigated disaster. Individuals have always wanted to prove that love will find a way as seen in medical improvements in fertility treatment. Some times "you can't always get what you want, you get what you need". The Rolling Stones. Mike
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RHP User
13 years ago
after your lived in third world continents ...eg: Africa or Asia for a couple years..and then we will talk Be the change you wish to see ....and Id rather be trying and doing my best, even if I fail.... ..than accepting and doing nothing at all...... Feel free to message me privately...to discuss more....although you have done that before havent you ?
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RHP User
13 years ago
Post shinas, I know you have seen far more and been through more than most people ever would in 10 lifetimes, I hope the world cuts you some slack at some point!!! To OP, I think it's a great thing you have done. It's a pretty selfless act. I've known a few people to go through hell trying to fall pregnant, spending thousands and thousands on ivf with no luck. To be honest this is something I had never really thought about before but I find it really quite interesting. What is the process for donating? What sort of testing do you undergo. I am pretty certain I would never be accepted as a donor as I'm asthmatic and there's a realtively good chance my children would get it too.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Hotsiggettydamn I probably can't post on here the website where people look for others to donate but there are a few out there. IVF clinics are also always looking for donors as well. The only requirements are that you are healthy and have nomSTI's
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RHP User
13 years ago
Or any genetic health risks in your family such as MS! Mental illness, heart disease etc. I don't think being asthmatic would rule you out at all. MSG me if you want to know more :-) Shines, can't agree more with everything you have written. I have been to central Africa a few times and Afghanistan twice. It is a wake up call you can't have explained to you or experience on tv. We are very lucky indeed to be victims of circumstance and born in this country!
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RHP User
13 years ago
You know me in RL so you know Im doing ok....the worse thing that ever could have happened to me, did (as you know) ...so if you can survive the worst, then you can survive anything !!...:)
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'selflesslover'Or any genetic health risks in your family such as MS! Mental illness, heart disease etc. I don't think being asthmatic would rule you out at all. MSG me if you want to know more :-) Shines, can't agree more with everything you have written. I have been to central Africa a few times and Afghanistan twice. It is a wake up call you can't have explained to you or experience on tv. We are very lucky indeed to be victims of circumstance and born in this country! Oh Selfless you articulated it better than I ever could...you are so beyond rite..........you cant explain it, you have to live it.....:).....
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RHP User
13 years ago
Hi! SelflessLover. That's awesome I'm so Proud iof you for taking that initiative and with your Openess to help other Childless Couples achieve that Wonderful experience of becoming Parents. Cudos to you in spades Hun ,Karma will Indeed return the Blessing 10fold. If a child wishes to know their Biological Father I can't see any harm in it what so ever ,as long as the Child is raised knowing the curcumstances of their birth. They won't look on you as their Father just a very Compassionate Guy who was willing to help in a very selfless way .. Blessings Lu :) PS My Sister and (Bro in Law ) tried for 14yrs to become Pregnant .Her issue was that her eggs weren't viable. so she took the next step further and was implanted with embryo's in 3 different occassions they were fertilized by her Husband .After some Heart ache the 1st 2 times she conceived a Boy . He's now 21 and an awesome Young Man ..:)
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RHP User
13 years ago
Actually I have found myself wanting to find a sperm donor. I am 39 now, soon to be 40, (in August), and would like to have another child. I am open to co-parenting if I were to find someone compatible. I have maybe 2 - 3 years until I start going into full menopause if I am anything like my sister and my mother.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I have offered to carry a child for my favourite gay couple and to one of my friends who can never carry children. I would love to offer more but I know I am to likely to become too attached and not be able to give the child up if it were biologically mine. I could donate eggs if I did not have to see the child all the time. I wish more people would open themselves up to giving this gift as not all people are lucky enough to make babies without the help- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
13 years ago
I would want to know who I fathered. My father died when I was very young and he was fathered by an unknown Scotsman, who's identity died with my grandmother. He died in the Normandy landings.So I barely remember my father, except for certain stand out times and he didn't know his father. I would so dearly love to know my father better and would have loved to at least know the identity of my grandfather, the father dad never knew.This was all due to a world war. Shinas is right, you have to live with it, I couldn't and from experience the older you get the more you want to know who you parents really are. I think sperm donation is a good thing as long as you are prepared to accept that your child, when he or she wants to know who you are and all about you, will try to find you, because trust me, they will and you should be willing to meet them face to face.This doesn't any way detract from the upbringing the child has had and the undoubted love and guidance they have received until they become adults. It also doesn't detract from your selfless actions which are sincere, wanting to help others.I don't judge, criticise or have any answers to Dimples or anyone, I can only let you know what it is like not really knowing your family heritage for two generations.It doesn't hit home until you have children of your own and you begin to understand.Children will always judge their parents, rarely will they forgive them. A true quote.Just weigh up the options of maybe a sperm donor you know and is happy to bear this responsibility or adopt a child who really needs parents who will love and care for them.Good luck to all of you, this is really serious, I hope I made some sense.GV
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RHP User
13 years ago
On one hand I think helping people who want and will love children of their own is a wonderful thing!Coming from my own experiences as a foster-child though, I think knowing who and where we come from is an important thing. I spent the first half of my life wanting to know and meet my parents which is the case for a lot of fosters & adoptees. Would I deny loving parents the chance to have their own baby if the chance was there? No way. I do like to think the baby/child will have every chance to know as much about the people who made his/her life possible though. Life is a funny thing and even if the child is not initially told the details of his/her conception, there's a chance it could come up during their lifetime if details are needed because of health issues. The idea of open communication for the child then brings forward the idea that the child may want to meet the parent that donated to make their life possible anway. A minefield of possibilities.I guess I'm more concerned for a potential child than the parents who would like to have one though I still would not deny the parents 'to be' that opportunity.PLease excuse what may seem like a negative viewpoint. Peachy
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RHP User
13 years ago
Hi!Hun :) That's not negative at all, it's just the view of the children as you mentioned.. I agree they should be aware of their origin and information of the donor ie medical records . However I feel they should be able to request to meet the Natural father via Family services or similar e-mailing him through the dept. That way it protects his ID and allows him to choose to meet or not. If he chooses then he can reply to their e-mail, sharing the information he wants too . Being a Sperm donor opens him up to having many children he sired out there.they shouldn't be able to claim financially from him.. He can donate money to them and have a Relationship if they both wish it ... cheers Lu :)
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RHP User
13 years ago
Heya, thanks Lu :-D Yeah, I don't think a sperm donor should be financially responsible under the circumstances. So many things to consider.Selflesslover, I particularly admire that you did the known donor for one couple, taking those 20 hours of your time on their behalf. It's wonderful that you keep in touch with the couples too. That you offer the opportunity to meet yourself and their half-siblings if the child desires in the future very much recognises their place in this. Peachy
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