F56
Sex in the dark (take 2)
December 23 2014
Comments
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RHP User
11 years ago
for being brave enough to talk about this. I can see that it's likely to inspire some fairly intimate sharing from others willing to be as brave..... I'll give it a try Ok, I used to be very overweight. I've lost a lot of it but I am still a comfortable size 16 and likely to remain so for the rest of my life. My body seems quite happy here. When I was bigger I was paralysed by self-consciousness and would never allow my husband to see me naked, even when I lost weight I still struggled and lights off or under-the-covers sex was all I would engage in. When I eventually lost weight and started to feel a little better about myself my marriage ended (turns out my ex preferred me with no confidence - who'd a thunk it?). So I found myself single, still with massive body issues but feeling a little more comfortable with myself. When I first joined a dating site I approached sex with new people with the same confidence issues but with the attitude that if they didn't like it, they could always leave and I'd deal with the fallout later - kind of like holding your nose and jumping into freezing water. No one ever left. Most wanted to come back. I realised slowly that my body issues were all mine, the men who I took to bed were there because they thought I was sexy and if they even noticed the wobbly bits, scars and stretchmarks (and I'm sure they do), they didn't care. I thought about the way I view the bodies of the men I have sex with. I have found all of them incredibly sexy and yet none of them are greek gods (sorry to those of you who are reading ). I don't check out their flaws, I don't think they'd be sexier if they didn't have this or that wrong with their body. I see the whole delicious, sexy man and I want to kiss him and touch him and look at him and enjoy what he's sharing with me. I honestly think that they feel the same way. Sure there may be some shallow people out there who will be put off by cellulite or a pot belly, but I'm smart enough to not have anything to do with people like that and I'm sure you are too Burning_Love. If this man wants to be intimate with you, I'm sure he cannot wait to take all of you in. All the bits of you that you love and all the bits of you that you hate. Sure, start with the lights off at first if it makes you more comfortable. Then maybe you can progress to candlelight. Hopefully before you know it you'll be having Sunday afternoon sex in broad daylight and loving every minute of it. You are beautiful and you giving yourself to this man is a gift - I bet he knows it - You just have to believe it yourself.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Burnin_Love'Womenfolk, are you 100% comfortable having sex in the bright light of day? Has this changed for you over time? If so, how and why? Sorry to hear you feel this way, OP. Looking at your pics I think you have a gorgeous body, but I've been told the same here and I know that doesn't change the way I feel about mine, so I hear you. When I was in my twenties my body was lean and smooth, but I lacked the self-confidence to show it. Sex in the dark was certainly preferred.Over time I've come to like how I look at lot more, but age has left its marks and I'm covered in lumps, bumps and spider veins. I wouldn't consider having sex in the dark anymore, because, as tactile as I am, I enjoy seeing the lust in my lovers' eyes far too much to miss out on that. However, I stay away from bright lights and candles have become a necessity. I hope you get your sexy back soon, B_L.
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Hottie1
11 years ago
I'm fraught with self doubt. I have actively worked at my body for over 10 years, despite how much I try I am a voluptuous 12 -14. Up until 12 months ago only one man had seen my body, my husband. He makes me feel sexy, even at my heaviest, I felt wanted and loved. No matter what, I couldn't see what he saw and I asked him one day' how can you fuck me? Needless to say he lost his tiny mind at me, was disappointed in my questions and I had realized I had offended him, talking about myself. His only words were in return were ' to me you are the most beautiful, sexy woman. He said sexy was an attitude, that I had in spades and I needed to learn to love me. Imagine my horror when he suggested we become swingers, not that I was horrified with the idea, I was horrified that other people would see my body. He did some research into swinging, found RHP, we became members and have met some of the most incredible people. I can now strip (not brazenly or confidently) at a party where there are many other naked people. Every man and women who I have been intimate with has left me with a little more confidence. It's not their job to do that, but to see myself through their eyes has lead me to see myself differently. Not so differently that I didn't just undergo plastic surgery and spent a small fortune doing so. That decision was not an easy one and I've openly spoken about it, even to our playmates. One such very gorgeous man, bewildered by my decision to have surgery asked 'have we made you feel like that'. NO is the answer, I needed to feel good about me. I'm not here condoning surgery, surgery has helped improve an area that would not improve through any exercise :). Many of us women are our own worst enemies, I find many men in particular (and my gorgeous female playmates) truly look beyond the superficiality of looks and weight. B_L, KIS & Meander, I don't look at size when I see any of you, I see intelligent, compassionate, empathetic, gorgeous women. From what I see on the forums, you bring so much, why wouldn't others see that and want to be part of that on a more intimate level? Lights on or off, gently and at your pace, let others see the freak you, it's quite stunning, inside and out. Mary xx
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Hottie1
11 years ago
The real you not the 'freak' you. But then again, if you want to get your freak on, feel free. (Nice save, I think not).😁 Mary xx
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IamMrSilly
11 years ago
OP, firstly thank you for your wonderful post, and thank you B L, Keeping it Simple and Meander for the lengthy replies. My opinion from the male perspective is that 'lights on' shows your trust in him. But we all find it hard to trust that openly and be sure they won't hurt us. While it is not a 'deal breaker' for me, it is exciting and validating for the man if he knows that you will trust him to see you in your full glory and not hide in the dark. And as much as I hate to say it, us guys are all about the visual as well as touch. It is so exciting to see you in your full frontal with nothing hidden! oh, and we also feel so clumsy in the dark! I mean, how can we tell if you are loving what we are doing if we cannot see you? PS: amazed I got in so early on this topic, on the first page.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Firstly OP, yay for finding someone to spark with. Fingers crossed for great things to follow. As to the question, from a personal perspective, requesting orchestral manoeuvres in the dark would not be a deal breaker because I am a man and men like sex, and if the sex is in the dark, it is better than no sex in the light. Having said that, let me say this. Men respond strongly to visual stimulus. The autonomic response of the penis doesn't judge, it just stimulates. So a naked woman will generally get the motor running. If it is a naked woman the man is emotionally connected to, the stimulus is even more potent. By our age (ie the 40's) any right thinking man will know that a 40 something woman will not have a pristine body any more than he has a pristine body. We have (hopefully) learnt to live with and love our imperfections and appreciate enthusiastic participation rather than perfect looks. I was talking with a friend the other day about her reluctance to go to a club because she has a fear of being judged by the "beautiful people". I told her not to worry as she must be beautiful to be able to provoke the reaction I felt every time we met. If you can muster the courage, I would suggest starting with candles on for a flattering indirect glow, and work your way up the luminosity scale to lights, camera and action. Good luck!
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MissBishere
11 years ago
im good one on one but I'm not one to want to stand in front of mirrors. I used to have a lot of confidence when I was a lot smaller I don't think I lost it all strangely enough. I have other issues with social awkwardness but have always been very comfortable with sex. I definitely prefer the lights on as I want to see him and his reaction and watch the way his body flexes and tenses and shakes as that's a huge turn on for me. I don't however find being on top a comfortable position as I am so exposed and on display. I think the biggest thing is understanding that they are your issues and not his. In my experience if he approaches your body correctly and has a genuine love/lust for it then you may find your fears and insecurities drop away in the heat of the moment. I know this is often the case for me. my struggle to overcome is the club scene, but I'll get there with the right encouragement and the right people.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Not sure about men... but...MONSTERs prefer a performer who puts her heart in it, not a doll who likes to be seen doing it... lights on or off... blindfold me and let me flow in the lava stream of passion and i will mary you if yo cant take what I bring to passion :) lol.. Yea you are most welcome to have a go at me again :)
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aussian43
11 years ago
I have had partners self conscious about how they looked. I thought they were sexy as they were and it wasn't an issue for me. One time we even cut the crotch out of a pair of tracksuit pants because she didn't want to be exposed. It was an interesting change. You don't need to be completely naked to have sex. The drawback to only having sex in the dark means missing out on those mornings when you wake up horny, or spontaneously taking advantage of circumstances during the day. But if that is what the lady wants, I am happy to try and please her. I have pretty good night vision, so even at night I can see pretty well. And it really encourages more contact, holding, stroking, touching.
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RHP User
11 years ago
To much time spent analyzing, thinking, planing, and strategizing. One growing list from head to toe of reason not to let go. What ever happened to the moment lost, what became of the skip in life that once gave you flight, To that moment, that breathless surprise you thought should never happen. To be caught in the light to late to care, you are there, without a plan, the list you forgot exists. No time to contemplate, no time to study regret. From smile to a kiss, then to the bed, with frenetic embrace, clenching, grinding and holding. You and he are all there is, you and he nothing else, to flutter softly down to bed. Gentle kisses linger and touch you where you most require, perfect now so snug to sleep, such blissful dreams. All in a heart beat of time, all with a glow of desire, all in the youth of love, all within the skin of your perfect most beautiful soul. Do not let time play its game, push aside the wrenched lists of reasons to wait, each minutest detailed of planned surprise is best forgot and be left to fate. Not much in the way of help, I known... Just something to distract from you of thoughts that deal with light and its planed futures you should not contemplate. Seize the day and be surprised.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Like you I have completely lost my sexual confidence...I had such a devastating experience last year it increased my self doubt ten fold...I very much doubt that this will change..I have also been dealing with some health problems which doesn't help how I feel..But I am happy for you and hope that this man creates a comfort zone for you,so you can trust not in him but yourself to leave the lights on...even if its only a smallish flicker ..many hugs xx Freya
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RHP User
11 years ago
A blindfold! Why didn't I think of that? No, seriously that is a great idea. OP, if you turn the lights out and put on a blindfold (or even better an isolation hood), your friend can decide whether to turn the lights on or not, and you will be none the wiser. As far as you are concerned, it is all dark. Imagine the ego boost when you have mind blowing sex and he tells you the lights were on all the time.
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RHP User
11 years ago
any man that has taken the time to be accepted into your sexuality wouldn't really give a toss... Harsh I know.... But... Think about how you are.....you know your worth, have self respect, etc... So no man that you've allowed in this far is going to be there superficially so why do you care so much?? - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Confidence is a tricky thing. I have lost mine here on RHP........yep, after all these years. Too many mistakes and hurts.Anyway.......happily moving along...))) In answer to your question, ....be brave and strong!......candles must be on!......look into the eyes of your lover and enjoy. I miss those I have lost, but, one must move forward and continue honesty and being true.If they dont like you, fuck them. Their loss.But yes, it truely hurts. why are people so mean?
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RHP User
11 years ago
I hate lights. I always make sure there is only one lamp on or something. I don't have very much confidence in myself at all and the thought of a day time hook up fills me with dread and when i have done, it's been very stressful for me. I am working towards changing these thoughts by working on my self. Hopefully i'll be fucking in all sorts of light soon P.S - Burininglove, your pics are HOT on your profile x
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RHP User
11 years ago
and often it comes from the ones you least expect. I see it all the time with women buying lingerie, and often the ones with the worst body image are those you would think have nothing to worry about. When men come in to buy lingerie, they talk about the positives of the woman they are buying for. I have my issues, but I realise most men don't care as long as you put out. It has whittled away at my confidence knowing nobody really wants to come back for more, makes me feel as though they think they can do better than me. As I have aged I have felt better about being seen naked but I am still very self conscious, I just pretend I am not, lol. As for sex in the dark, I love it. I love to let my hands do the walking and the loss of sight heightens all the other senses. Great to sample some other sensations as there are so many to play with.
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Almost_Ready
11 years ago
Its hard to understand how others feel about sex, its different feelings for all of us but it is the pleasure that we bring others that matters. TURN OFF THE LIGHTS & go for it!Control the moment & most of all enjoy the moment.. We spend too much time worrying about things that don't matter GO FOR IT.. You may as well have a good time, you could be here for a long time. Hey Freya Have you tried snow balls?CheersOldog
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RHP User
11 years ago
I tend to pull curtains closed during the day and only have a table lamp on, often covered with a scarf. We are usually our own worst enemies when it comes to our body image. Very few women I think are happy with themselves. That's why I prefer the same lover, not lots of them. If they keep coming back, something has to be right.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Fetch 🏉😀
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RHP User
11 years ago
go for it he will understand Even more so if he has spiked that inner you to strive once again for that lost orgasm or erotic stimulae deep in you pull out his eyes ! Haha communication is everything and you ! Your partner who ever being comfortable is up there along side being safe , being wanted , feeling sexy again dont have to look it, through your eyes only feel it ! for now just feel sexy i am sure your friend thinks you are very sexy and in time you will aswell , do what feels best for you thats all you ever have to do , everyone else will follow your lead burning . Lights out . Merry xmas - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
absolutely perfection never lasts there for probally never really existed ! Everything you said in my book is spot on , those stretch marks and wobbly bits make you who you are and if i was with you making wonderful passionate love with you all night or day , i would be making love to all your imperfections because they make you you desirable indeed . Perfect never lasts positive attitude can make any situation perfect . You girls are perfect Merry xmas Xx - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
There's no doubt at all that body and sexual confidence is a mental thing, rather than a physical thing. I've been mentally regrouping for a few years now and I'm certainly in a much better space than I was. Sex is a tricky thing for me because I don't/can't do it casually. It's all in for me, which takes a lot of spirit, a lot of self-love (emotionally) and a lot of trust. A few of you touched on some really useful things, thank you! Trust - brissyfather. I honestly hadn't thought of it that way but I read your post and realised instantly that I need to find a quality man who is really into me and has the patience to help draw me out of myself. I know my sexuality is my responsibility but the love/tenderness/patience/insert description of a good man can make all the difference to how a woman feels about herself. So I need to choose well - someone I can trust and who won't mind too much if the first few times are a bit wonky. Mary, your husband sounds delightful :) I find it much easier to trust my sexiness when it's reflected back to me through someone else's lust or desire. That's only ever happened with one man and I think it's probably a very rare thing to be with someone who desires you so much, as much as he did me and your husband does you. So I need to choose well, someone who wants to have sex because it's with me, rather than someone who's just after anyone to fuck. Ralf, yes! Men who aren't interested in round two and more sure can shatter our confidence. I need a man to be drawn to me as a woman, a human being, not just as a sex thing, so I look for someone who'll come back for more, not just sex but time/dating etc. So I need to choose well :) The big think I've taken from the responses so far is that I need to be careful about who I next have sex with, and so my best to make sure he has the kind of character and heart to handle me gently and with patience. Perhaps then I can even leave the lights on ;) To the men who have commented on whether or not you're OK with lights off, thank you! Very reassuring x To the women who have shared stories of insecurities and lost confidence, thank you for your vulnerability xxx Sometimes I think I'm going to get to 90 and wonder why the hell I wasted so much time worrying ;) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Burning_Love' There's no doubt at all that body and sexual confidence is a mental thing, rather than a physical thing. I've been mentally regrouping for a few years now and I'm certainly in a much better space than I was. Sex is a tricky thing for me because I don't/can't do it casually. It's all in for me, which takes a lot of spirit, a lot of self-love (emotionally) and a lot of trust. A few of you touched on some really useful things, thank you! Trust - brissyfather. I honestly hadn't thought of it that way but I read your post and realised instantly that I need to find a quality man who is really into me and has the patience to help draw me out of myself. I know my sexuality is my responsibility but the love/tenderness/patience/insert description of a good man can make all the difference to how a woman feels about herself. So I need to choose well - someone I can trust and who won't mind too much if the first few times are a bit wonky. Mary, your husband sounds delightful :) I find it much easier to trust my sexiness when it's reflected back to me through someone else's lust or desire. That's only ever happened with one man and I think it's probably a very rare thing to be with someone who desires you so much, as much as he did me and your husband does you. So I need to choose well, someone who wants to have sex because it's with me, rather than someone who's just after anyone to fuck. The big think I've taken from the responses so far is that I need to be careful about who I next have sex with, and so my best to make sure he has the kind of character and heart to handle me gently and with patience. Perhaps then I can even leave the lights on ;) To the men who have commented on whether or not you're OK with lights off, thank you! Very reassuring x To the women who have shared stories of insecurities and lost confidence, thank you for your vulnerability xxx Sometimes I think I'm going to get to 90 and wonder why the hell I wasted so much time worrying ;) - Posted from rhpmobile You nailed it right there miss BL. You're caught up inside your head where your mind convinces you life is "X", where everyone else sees life from the perspective of their own "X"s. I recall one woman I met 4 years ago who was very sexual, but in the heat of passion would panic and roll away and cover herself, because letting herself go meant losing the control she felt necessary to protect herself. Bad experiences can build bad patterns. You may be judging sex for why it can mean, rather than what it is. I think rather than to consider sex.... you should consider... company.... and defer sex until that company satisfies you of its sincerity and its desire to be around you more than just to satisfy their curiosity or immediate lustful needs. DG
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RHP User
11 years ago
Isolation hood?!?! Is that just like a paper bag 😳
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RHP User
11 years ago
Please ladies - stop looking in that fucking FAT superficial mirror AND thinking men who do not want to go round two THINK your body is not up to speed. I would be more inclined to say they didn't feel a spark - lets face it guys just love rooting and you need too accept that and enjoy the moment for what it is. IF on the other hand you are looking for more a "partner" (which I believe most of you single woman are, but just wont admit it and hide it by calling it FWB but you fall for them) then do not expect to find one one here, however is it happens then GREAT. Did you know some men may not want too because they - MIGHT - think that they are not up to speed. Sure there are some dicks who just want a one nighter - BUT - you are painting ALL men with the same brush if you lose your confidence because of this. Really not fair on your self. I am a big girl and as for body confidence - I don't really give a shit. I admit I am fat and this is who I am. I have had some wonderfull lovers and I am still friends with many. I asked one lover once "wouldn't you rather a nice size 12/14 lady? His reply was No as ii is about confidence and attitude". maybe I have been lucky with lovers who like thicker ladies but I think not. As for lights out - not for me. I do hate bright lights tho, as you lose a soft ambiance in the bedroom. As for sex outside the bedroom - nothing like a good hard bang over the sink ;-) BL- I suggest you get your ass into a sex club and have some fun. Loosen up a little on yourself. gang bangs are great for the confidence - just sayin ;-) Think I went off topic a bit. Oooops. Chin Up Tits Out. Hold your head high and tell yourself you are one gorgeous woman. Stop overthinking.
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RHP User
11 years ago
You need to learn to relax and accept you are who you are. When you worry about how your body looks it only going to magnify things so then you tend to carry a double burden. Go easy on yourself . If you want to have sex in the dark ' so be it. I think most men would understand if they are aware you've been in drought for awhile and your confidence isn't quite there. What you want is just as important as what your partner wants. Its give and take.. Besides' sex in the dark isn't a bad thing after all said and done.. Theres no distractions and so the concentration level and sensitivity becomes heightened. Take a deep breath, bugga off any negativity and enjoy the moment... Jay
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Seachange73
11 years ago
Op. I am still quite self conscious about myself being totally naked in front of a lover. Must be residuals of conservative Catholic upbringing. I feel very vulnerable to be expose all ky imperfections, wobbly bits and all to them. I am harsher on myself than anybody. I dont find myself that attractive but I kniw I present well. Most would call me 'cute'. I have no sense of my attractiveness to men but i like intelligent discourse iver shit talks and hope that they would be just engaged with my personality more thwn the physical. But I know some men are just attracted to ghe physical Only. That is ok too for random hook ups, which Iis.not My thing. I have to say I am not looking for men with six packs as really prefer an average looking man who can have great conversations and wit over the Ken dolls. I find the former sexy. I have sex in dim light, room lit with candles to overcome my shyness. Recently I have pushed the boundary a bit indulged in dwy sex which would be unthinkable for me a year ago. Before rhp. The man I was with those times made me feel very sexy so it just gave me more confidence in myself. I am slowly emerging out of my modest cocoon with much appreciation from My fwbs. They are just wonderful in accepting me, warts and all. That is a metaphor Btw. No warts here. Lol. Good luck to us.
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Seachange73
11 years ago
Lol. Reusable ccloth bag if you are a greenie.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I've done 'company' for a few years now. At some point I have to jump the hurdle ;) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Invite the gentleman over for dinner and cook him a nice steak. After a little time of chatting, allowing the food to settle, excuse yourself. Go to your room and light a small candle. Return to where the gentleman is, giving him a smile as you take his hand telling him to come with you. Be confident, even if you're not. Lead him to your room and close the door. Once inside reach for the blindfold that you put in your pocket earlier. Place the blindfold on him, kissing him as you do..... Slowly remove his clothes and, well, I'm sure you can use your own imagination here..... You'll both be so turned on by what you've done, nothing else will matter...
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couplefairride
11 years ago
actually read a book on a burns victim only 15% of body. She was burnt around her chest and abdominal area. She wore a sexy stocking lingerie. You know the ones that look like lbd or even a body suit. The are gorgeous on. Iron out all sorts of bumps and lumps. Personally I think you are too hard on yourself, no man is perfect either in personality and body department. we are all flawed and that makes us beautiful. That's my 2£ worth. Anyway Merry christmas xx - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Too much time planing gets nothing done in the long run especially if you are looking for reasons not to do it, for you will always find reason. Procrastination should be number 8 on the 7 deadly sins list or also know as acedia, the willful refusal to enjoy life.
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RHP User
11 years ago
From personal experience I have till the last year had issues with my body. I always considered myself too large regardless of my weight eg . At 21 I weighed 48kg at 5'9 and still thought I needed to lose more. By my mid 20s I learnt what overweight was and how I lamented that I can tell you. I'm happy now in my body at size 12 and the weight I am. But the damage from extreme weight gain left its scars and that was my main self concienceness to deal with. The funny thing was it was 2 different men that made me comfortable enough in myself to have nookie in the light. The first man was a bf of a friend he said to me I should be proud of my 'tiger marks'! As they are my marks of a life lived. And the second man is my 20 year old playmate. We met at a friends place by accident and within 10 mins he told me he wanted to screw my brains out. When I told him I am 15 years older then him he was shocked he thought I was 25 (such flattery!) next thing I know I spent 5 hours being kissed all over , then when we got down to business he did something I've never had done before by any man , he watched my face the whole time we screwed ,and I must admit I'm more self conciencess of my face then my body , yet every time I tried to hide my face he gently pulled me back and then he says 'you have no idea how beautiful you are , do you?' I couldn't say anything. So OP I think a sensitive lover is the key to comfort levels. Because I have no issues now with my body or face being viewed in the light now and I was so nervous of being seen as fat or ugly that I forgot that sex is about sensation and fun. - Posted from rhpmobile
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