F68
Politically & Religiously Incorrect Sunday Funnies
August 07 2011
Comments
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RHP User
14 years ago
OMG Ruby... what are you doing. hahahaha Good luck.xxMeeks
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RHP User
14 years ago
Just thought the forums are so weird these days with topics about arrogance-intelligence, carbon tax , what am I doing wrong with my profile,music to bonk by,penis size etc.....I was just sitting here having a little yawn as I scrolled throughl, the only line that made me laugh was Stalky's "an apathetic agnostic"....so I thought, what the hell.....its Sunday, why not throw in religion as well..I did have a chuckle when I came across the "If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing" line andthought is was perfect for rhp, just for a little light relief
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RHP User
14 years ago
Jeez Ruby..... I masturbate for a little light relief. I don't try and cause a riot..... you know you will make all those people with ... hangs ups... very cross. Meeks
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RHP User
14 years ago
As my original post says...just some giggles.There are some funny Church type jokes out there.... Celibacy… Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy as an example. This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors. While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend run by their local church , Tony and Julie listened to the minister declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.' He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?' Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered, 'Self-raising, isn't it?' Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.
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RHP User
14 years ago
They won't let me into any church where they leave holy water out...the priests get pissed of when it starts to boil and they have to run like scalded cats, so I just skip Sunday and call it Mightaswellbemonday. Have to clean up all the empties and kick out all the hookers that I couldn't convert to nuns for the local perish...I try to do my bit, just like the big guy in the black book. | So who did he confess to after he did Mary Magdalene, she saw the second coming but got knocked her up anyway? The things they don't tell you in those confirmation classes, huh? | That would have been a tough gig for the priest....I can hear it now. "Forgive me son, for I have fathered". Bet there wasn't a lot of talk about doing any more "Hail Mary's" after that...well, at least not without protection. | *Disclaimer* ...I will only post in once in an attempt to be humourous. If this offends anyone, my apologies in advance. I can't see that it should, we are all root rats here and either still shaking our heads about the shagging we copped on Mightaswellbemonday....or wishing we had. Please simply post in if you object...I have already confessed and do not want to do penance on the naughty boy step again.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Looks like its just you and me on the naughty step for penance midnight boy.....lol..Seems its ok to talk about politics, cheating,cock size,blow jobs,multi partners,squirting ect...........but what ever you do, dont make fun of religion!!!.....This place really cracks me up at times......bwahahahahaha....
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RHP User
14 years ago
When we have family things where church attendance is compulsory...(Not often thank God) Focus sends me in first. She figures that if the chapel is gonna fall on someone...it will be me. She even takes pics of me entering the hallowed halls with appropriate look of trepidation on my face. One of my sisters is a Born Again Christain......she says it is okay, if the roof starts falling in all the christains inside will hold it up with thier hands so I can be safe. Kind of them I thought. l Hey, I got hauled into the pricipals office because my ten year old burst out in a Kevin Bloody Wilson song...."Do you fuck on first dates" during divinity.....true!
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RHP User
14 years ago
Scoot over on the naughty step midnight boy,we need to make some room for fiona....
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RHP User
14 years ago
I haven't been reading the forums much lately but I am so glad I found this thread. My insides are quivering from the internal and external laughter. for some, pagans are akin to the devil . . . . but surely they believe we will be forgiven LOL
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RHP User
14 years ago
Got to take it all with a bit of fun...just like when the Father was golfing and missed a 1 foot putt? He absolutely screamed out "God damn it...I missed!" | There was a thunderous clap in the sky and a lighting bolt ripped out of the sky and landed just off the green...a very loud and powerful voice called out from the heavens... "God damn me...I missed too!" | If he/she/they/it didn't have a sense of humour...why are there men and women? Seriously, if we were all just one tidy package with the works all in one... "Go fuck yourself" would be the nicest thing anyone might say to you all day and we could get on these forums and brag about how good we are at it and not give a damn if anyone else agrees. | That still is no excuse for all you women to use those nasty Lelo things... | ...instead of using us men.
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RHP User
14 years ago
"If you dont turn from your sins I will come to you and take your lampstand from it's place." l This is a family favourite. Is Lampstand a euphamism for Penis? In biblical days? Surely not!!!!
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RHP User
14 years ago
My pleasure WildPaganGypsy.....just move fibees Lampstand and sit on down.I believe someone will be around soon with some Bloody Marys and some funny little wafer thin crackers
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RHP User
14 years ago
I can cut the cheese if you want...it's for the stale crackers. And please, no crap wine...I'll bring my own damn scotch if you don't mind. Now then.. | ...where are the virgins. | | To err is human, to find a virgin is divine. Not unlikely here...but we can always pray.
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RHP User
14 years ago
I think you guys got the old man really pissed off... | Quoting 'ruby_blossum' Quoting 'WildPaganGypsy'I haven't been reading the forums much lately but I am so glad I found this thread. My insides are quivering from the internal and external laughter. Scoot over on the naughty step midnight boy,we need to make some room for fiona.... Quoting 'WildPaganGypsy' for some, pagans are akin to the devil . . . . Quoting 'fionabee' "If you dont turn from your sins I will come to you and take your lampstand from it's place." l Quoting 'Meeka100'Jeez Ruby..... I masturbate for a little light relief. I don't try and cause a riot..... you know you will make all those people with ... hangs ups... very cross. This is a family favourite. Is Lampstand a euphamism for Penis? In biblical days? Surely not!!!!but surely they believe we will be forgiven LOL Quoting 'Meeka100'Jeez Ruby..... I masturbate for a little light relief. I don't try and cause a riot..... you know you will make all those people with ... hangs ups... very cross. | ....call when it's all clear.
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RHP User
14 years ago
GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH! There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black : 1. He called everyone brother.2. He liked Gospel .3. He didn't get a fair trial . But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish : 1. He went into His Father's business .2. He lived at home until he was 33. 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God .But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian : 1. He talked with His hands .2. He had wine with His meals.3. He used olive oil .But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian : 1. He never cut His hair .2. He walked around barefoot all the time .3. He started a new religion .But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian: 1. He was at peace with nature .2. He ate a lot of fish .3. He talked about the Great Spirit .But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish : 1. He never got married. 2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures. But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN : 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food .2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it .3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.... Can I get an AMEN!!
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RHP User
14 years ago
I found Jesus....He was under the lounge.....Jesus saves sinners,and redeems them for cash and valuable prizes
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RHP User
14 years ago
I will burst into flames!!I like the bit in the bible where it says "do unto others as they do unto you". That's why I have a strap-on..........
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RHP User
14 years ago
If there was a favourites button, I'd be clicking! And Ruby, your evidence makes sense to me! Mistress T, gotta love a woman who speaks the truth simply. LOL
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RHP User
14 years ago
Yes Ruby for all that amazing evidence to confuse the heck out of the devout...from me you get a huge AMEN
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'MistressT' I like the bit in the bible where it says "do unto others as they do unto you". | You will know everything you need to about turning the other cheek. I think I would rather do unto others first...and if I make any mistakes, they can be sort out at check in. | "Let me be a light unto you"....candles work just fine, thanks. |
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RHP User
14 years ago
This has been so far one of the best forums, some of the others are a bit tedious. Cheating, Swinging, Bi or not to Bi, taste of cum and many other riveters. On religion - many if not most of the important and sacred days in christianity (is it ok yo use lower case) come from Pagan Days and the good christians thought wow lets use them as the have most of the important times of the year covered. Seamus was walking down the street when he saw young Tommy sitting in the gutter crying, (He asked In Irish Brogue) What s wrong son? Tommy replied" It's me Ma she just doid" Goodness says Seamus would you like me to call Father O'reilly son. Tommy replied "Father Oreilly!! The last ting I have on me mind is sex Seamus" MMM why is the study getting very warm right now
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RHP User
14 years ago
.....love that line nudierudie Seems a few of us feel a tad inflammable near churches.....sort of puts a whole new spin on the tale ofthe "Burning Bush"
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RHP User
14 years ago
...and neither one of them are doing a happy dance right now. Wonder where Charlie Daniels found the old boy with the pointed ears and bet him a solid gold fiddle against his soul. For that kind of money...I could probably play like the Satch. | Ya'all should quit picking on the Christians...I just read on the internet that bisexual Rabbis speak a different language all together.... | ....Heblew. Where's my fiddle dammit.
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RHP User
14 years ago
I think you will be joining me there Midnight.
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RHP User
14 years ago
The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the good news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed, and there was quite an uproar. Suddenly a single voice was heard over the top of the noise: "And what are the four conditions?"The room stilled. There was a long pause. The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."After another long pause another voice asked, "And the fourth condition?"The pope replied, "Big tits."
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'ruby_blossum'My pleasure WildPaganGypsy.....just move fibees Lampstand and sit on down.I believe someone will be around soon with some Bloody Marys and some funny little wafer thin crackers Hands off my lampstand. I need it so the big guy upstairs can come and claim it when I dont repent.
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RHP User
14 years ago
...you know I will. | Quoting 'MistressT'I think you will be joining me there Midnight. And with the cards stacked the way they are...we'll both be turning in the fiddle. | Now then, how long do you think it will take to organize the coup to overthrow the dictator and take over? Hell....you can be in charge there, well 49% of the time anyway. | I'll look after the other 51% and all those evil nuns.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. Dad yells "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!" Robot then slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly YOUR son." Robot then slaps the mom!!!!!
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RHP User
14 years ago
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand . He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'The preacher said, 'No shit?'
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RHP User
14 years ago
A Father, a Rabbi and a Baptist Revival Minister are all standing on the top of a 50 story building admiring the view and explaining their version of the truth of creation to each other. The ol' devil swoops in from behind and pushes them all off the top of the building. | Who.......hits the ground first? | Who.........cares.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection.The first one says: "I have to confess, I held man's penis in one hand."St. Peter says: "You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in."The second says:"I have to confess, I held man's penis in both hands."St. Peter: "Wash both your hands and go in.Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible. St. Peter goes there, pulls them apart, asks, "What's going on?"One of them shouts, "I want to gargle before she washes her arse in there!"
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RHP User
14 years ago
so thats what happened to my lampstand...I forgot to repent...damn it!!! . Kisses Focus
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RHP User
14 years ago
One Sunday morning, the minister told the congregation that he was going to say a series of words, and he wanted them to sing the song that came to mind, when he said each word. The first word he said was "rock". They immediately started singing "Rock of Ages". The second word he said was "blood", and they sang "Power in the Blood." The third word was "cross," and they began singing "The Old Rugged Cross." The fourth word he said was "sex". Everyone gasped, and then it got very quiet. Way in the back of the church, an 87 year old lady stood up and started singing "Memories". . Kisses Focus
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RHP User
14 years ago
Little Johnny was an altar boy at the local Catholic Church.One day Father Donovan asked Little Johnny to watch the confessional booth while he took a short bathroom break."I don't know what to do Father," Little Johnny said."It's easy Johnny," the Father said. "All you have to do is look on the little alphabetical list inside the booth to see how many Hail Mary's they need to say.""Ok I can do that," Little Johnny thought.Little Johnny was inside the confessional booth when a woman walked in."Forgive me Father for I have sinned" the woman said."What did you do?" asked Little Johnny."I committed Adultery," she said.Little Johnny looked on the list and found Adultery and told the woman to say 10 Hail Mary's."Anything else?" Johnny asked."Yes, Father, I also gave him a blowjob," she wept.Johnny looked up and down the list several times and couldn't find blowjob.He stuck his head out of the booth and said, "Hey Danny, what does Father Donovan usually give for a blowjob?""A Mars bar and a coke," Danny said.
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RHP User
14 years ago
A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!"
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'stalky' Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. Dad yells "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!" Robot then slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly YOUR son." Robot then slaps the mom!!!!! I love how the older threads (before I joined) sometimes crop up in "active topics" so I wander in and have a read.I'm sitting on the bus yesterday, on my way to work, and found this one.Stalky is now the reason noone will sit next to me on the bus
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RHP User
14 years ago
if you want to live a boring parinoid life. Just listen to the Hypocrates preaching religion and political correctness...zzzz if you want to live a guilt free FUN life... Make your OWN decisions about whats right and wrong. B :)
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RHP User
14 years ago
How do you identify the head nun?.... she's the one with dirty knees
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RHP User
14 years ago
welcome to all the new participants and thanks for your input.....fun to see.Question:Once you are in heaven - hell......Do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?Something to ponder this windy Sunday
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RHP User
14 years ago
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned I have been with a loose girl."The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'Yes, Father, it is.''And who was the girl you were with?''I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'."Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or laterso you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'I cannot say.''Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?''I'll never tell.''Was it Nina Capelli?''I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.''Was it Cathy Piriano?''My lips are sealed.''Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?''Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'The priest sighs in frustration.'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.But you've sinned and have to atone.You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.Now you go and behave yourself.'Joey walks back to his pew,and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,'What'd you get?''Four months vacation and five good leads.'__________________
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RHP User
14 years ago
Q. How do you know God isnt a woman? A. If God was a woman she would of made cum taste like chocolateQ. Why did the choirboy leave the church?A. He was sick of the preists shoving religion down his throatCheersC
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RHP User
14 years ago
A much overated passtime
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RHP User
14 years ago
A bloke is walking along a beach one day & finds a bottle, upon picking it up a Genie pops out, the bloke starts jumping up & down all excited shouting how he gets 3 wishes. The Genie stops him short & says NO just one wish as this is the 3rd time this week I'm been let out of the bottle. The bloke ponders for a minute & says, well I always wanted to visit Hawaii but I's scared of planes, I get sea sick in the bath so I want a bridge so I can drive there. The Genie just stares at him a minute & says think about what your asking, all that planning, engineering, concrete & steel etc NO WAY its to big & hard of a task. You'll hav to think of another wish. The bloke thinks a bit more & says ok I want to know what it is women are thinking & why when they say no they mean yes & when they say yes they mena no, the Genie looks at him intently & says .... that bridge do you want it as 2 or 4 lanes.
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RHP User
14 years ago
An Ambulance was called to the home of an elderly couple and the husbane was pronouced dead on the scene. The Ambulance driver asked the wife what happend. The Wife said that the couple made love to the sound of the church bells every sunday to keep them in time and the then the Bloody Mr Whippy van drove by!
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RHP User
14 years ago
A guy was walking past a convent and heard a lot of laughing and giggling and joyous squeals from inside the fence. Wondering what there was to laugh about in a convent he decides to climb a tree that has a nice strong branch growing over the wall. He's lying on the branch looking down and all he can see is nuns on bikes, and sure enough they are making a great racket, squealing and laughing. He starts to slide back across the branch to climb down when an older nun comes out and calls out "sisters. sisters, if you don't stop making so much noise I'll have to put the seats back on!" PS My aunty is a nun
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RHP User
14 years ago
Two priest's were taking a piss in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's dick. He says "Im not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isnt that supposed to be on your arm?" And the other priest goes "Nah, it's working fine. Im down to two butts a day"!|||A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." |So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: |1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me" 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry," 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
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RHP User
14 years ago
Yesterday's newspaper read "Nun Raped in Park" Today's Newspaper read "Stampede of Nuns in Park"
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RHP User
14 years ago
.....both jokes and forum postersGreat to see
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RHP User
14 years ago
Two nuns are riding back to the convent.The first nun says "I've never come this way before!"The second nun says "It must be the cobblestones!"There once were two priests, father Dick and father Ray.One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.So, father Ray says to Father dick "I have extra soap in my room, I'll go get some".So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn't bother to get dressed becuase who would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his penis.Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said "Oh look, a soap dispencer", wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.With this the nun says "Yes it's true, it is a soap dispencer".Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.But nothing happended for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals "Oh! Look, handcream!"
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RHP User
14 years ago
a link to an excellent letter showing exactly how inappropriate it is to use Bible scripture as examples to support out own personal morality preferences...cut and pasted from the introduction: On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informativehttp://allthingsqueer.co.za/archives/religion/60.html
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RHP User
14 years ago
...many true and funny points raised there.Another question that could be posed there...... If God doesnt agree with homosexuality, why does he keep making them?
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'ruby_blossum' Another question that could be posed there...... If God doesnt agree with homosexuality, why does he keep making them? V good point! Did you know that dolphins, the only other mammal that has sex for pleasure, is also known to have homosexual tendencies?.If it feels good and it hurts no-one then I say 'go for it!'
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RHP User
14 years ago
Oh my gawd... | Quoting 'irresponsibility' Did you know that dolphins, the only other mammal that has sex for pleasure, is also known to have homosexual tendencies? I think it's best if you tell the Little Mermaid that Flipper might have been, well...you know. | She might take it better coming from a woman.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'ChasingMidnight' Oh my gawd... | Quoting 'irresponsibility' Did you know that dolphins, the only other mammal that has sex for pleasure, is also known to have homosexual tendencies? I think it's best if you tell the Little Mermaid that Flipper might have been, well...you know. | She might take it better coming from a woman. I'm not very current on the plot aspects of the little mermaid, but I'm pretty sure flipper is a seal who has his own tv show... and little mermaids boyfriend was a crab, or Tom Hanks, or something like that
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'irresponsibility' Quoting 'ruby_blossum' Another question that could be posed there...... If God doesnt agree with homosexuality, why does he keep making them? Natural parenting selection but with modern medical advances that is not so now. V good point! Did you know that dolphins, the only other mammal that has sex for pleasure, is also known to have homosexual tendencies? A buck goat will rape a knot hole in a tree stump. They will chase down and gang rape another male goat smaller and younger than themselves not to mention a stray nanny goat.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'fionabee' A buck goat will rape a knot hole in a tree stump. They will chase down and gang rape another male goat smaller and younger than themselves not to mention a stray nanny goat. Well that explains why the God Pan is half goat. I'm never again going to think of goats as cute!
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RHP User
14 years ago
Serously...I think she will take it better coming from you. I would have a hard time keeping a straight face. | Quoting 'irresponsibility'I'm not very current on the plot aspects of the little mermaid, but I'm pretty sure flipper is a seal who has his own tv show... Flipper was played at first by a female dolphin named Suzy, though primarily by another female, Kathy, and occasionally by other females named Patty, Scotty and Squirt. Female dolphins were chosen because they are less aggressive than males. The five dolphins performed all of Flipper's thespian chores except the famous tail walk, a trick they were unable to master completely. A male dolphin named Clown was brought in for scenes involving the tail walk. The famous "voice" of Flipper was actually the doctored song of a kookaburra. | Please note that says "thespian" and besides, you speak kookaburra better than I do. | | And you look great in your leopard skin spandex bwana outfit. Talk to the animals.
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RHP User
14 years ago
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop. When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you. | The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. | The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha, Ha! I'm the hippie!" | Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha, Ha, Ha, I'm the bus driver!!" | Moral of the story...avoid public transport.
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RHP User
14 years ago
... and shamelessly plundered it last night to cheer up a friend who had to come home 2 1/2 weeks early from a month-long European vacation... it worked so thankyou all!
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RHP User
14 years ago
Happy to hear you could cheer your friend up
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RHP User
14 years ago
There was a wealthy Jew who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company. He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project. |So the father placed his son in charge of the new advertising campaign. He told him that he would have no supervision and that any and all resources which he needed would be placed at his disposal. The son was elated and immediately set off to make his father proud. Four weeks later the son proudly proclaimed, "I have finished!" and he and his father went out to examine the first product of the new campaign: a billboard. |As they drove to the sight, the son explained how he had been blocked until a sudden insight had leaped into his head. They turned the corner and to the father's horror the billboard portrayed Christ on a cross with the caption: "Even Then They Used Goldberg Nails." |The father explained to the son that they couldn't portray Christ on a cross as it might offend their Christian clients. Dejected, the son said that he would fix the problem and report back to his father. One week later the son again exclaimed that he was "finished," and took his father off to see the billboard. Sure enough, Christ was no longer on the cross; he was lying at the base of the cross and the caption read: |"This Wouldn't Happen With Goldberg Nails"
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RHP User
14 years ago
Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So you can tell them apart from feminists.||Why don't women have any brains? Because they don't have penises to keep them in.||Why do doctors spank babies when they are born? To knock the dicks off the dumb ones.
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RHP User
14 years ago
You are on a roll today mignight boy.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Two Irish women are knitting babies clothes...One says to the other.."I hope I have a boy, I only have blue wool."The other one says" I hope I have a spastic I've f*#ked up the sleeves...."
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RHP User
14 years ago
Well I guess I could have just gone for the one about the two gay Jewish guys fucking a dead alligator in the back of a bus full of nuns on the way to a lesbian pride rally.... | ...but that might have been an overkill?
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RHP User
14 years ago
I am bored and I thought leaving me little 2 cents on here. The young men sharing my house, are devoted christians, I got told I burn in hell for bonking a married man......not he, who does the cheating..................lol oh hell, what the fuck. It was a great pleasure sitting on him and I will do it AGAIN.
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RHP User
14 years ago
for sparing us all the overkill :)
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RHP User
14 years ago
leftofthemiddle & Litonya......nice to see you dipping your toes in the sandpit
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RHP User
14 years ago
A man goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house, have sex, and then you disappear."|Why do women take longer than men to reach orgasm? Who cares.|How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house? Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
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RHP User
14 years ago
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile. A representative from Israel began, “Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses. When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, “What a good opportunity to have a bath.” Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them! The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, “What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then.” The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech."
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