F55
People pleasing is just another form of lying?
October 13 2024
I'm asking because I need help. I am having a personal challenge with this personality type in my friendships. I recognise that behind the people pleasing is probably complex reasons that relate to safety and self worth. I do have empathy for this but I also ultimately find it frustrating because I feel it's hard to have an authentic relationship with a people pleaser and it lacks honesty and intimacy. The person doesn't even seem to recognise that many of their interactions involve micro lying? How do you have a relationship with this type of person if you care for them? Do you address it directly or is that too confronting?
Comments
gazpacho
5 months ago
“It’s not my job to fix anyone” would be the first premise of my approach to the situation. That’s because we are all exceptionally complex creatures and I’m not in any kind of condition to torture anybody with mind games.
boobsandbusted
5 months ago
Depends on why the micro lies was it for ,self protection of some type ,fear of loosing something if they don’t tell you what they think you want to hear ,possibly past trauma or self gain all need very different approaches ,imo
Introvertedfun
5 months ago
I could share some light on this matter as a former people pleaser and in the process of changing that way of thinking. What you need to understand is that it is Subconscious way of thinking derived from a childhood trauma response it is not a choice. What do you call a micro lie in their mind is a way of survival In the pursuit of acceptance. So to answer your question if you truly care about the person you should trade lightly as to how you address it although it is confronting they may not even realise that they are doing certain things as it is so inbred in their way of thinking
If you truly care about this person, I would suggest you start with acceptance of who they are Bringing it to their attention and assuring them that you are there for them and willing to work with them. I would highly recommend you and your friend read the book or listen to the audiobook The laws of human nature by Robert Green as he has been instrumental and life Changing
Ex007
5 months ago
We can not change others and we all have to learn lessons in our own time and in our own way. You can be inquisitive by asking questions. E.g. I've noticed you seem to do things that may not align with your values for people. I'm just wondering why you feel you need to do that.
More than likely they are going to say what do u mean? So you're going to have to have an example
Generally, people do it because they are trained to be good girls or good boys and they dismiss their own needs and values for other comfort.
Many people have done it for most of their lives and have no idea they are even doing it.
It is not until each individual person builds a real sense of self will they begin to question why they do things they don't really want to.
Until then your options are to learn to tolerate it or walk away.
You may or may not have a high sense of justice and this grids your gears. Maybe think about how you can just let it go because it can only affect your mental state if you allow it to.
MsSuperFoxy
5 months ago
People pleasers, micro lying?
I prefer to be around people pleasers, as they make others feel good, do have positive interactions with others and have strong long lasting relationships. I find many people do take advantage of pleasers ie: Takers.
I'm a people pleaser/giver as it's in my nature to care for others. It's also my career to look after others and make sure they are happy. I'm happy, if others are happy.
As for lying, IMO everyone lies. They range from small white lies to huge ones. I call BS to those who say they don't lie.
Ms FoxyMsSuperFoxy
5 months ago
My people pleasing, doesn't come from any subconscious results of childhood trauma responses. Please exclude me from that.
Ms Foxy
RHP User
5 months ago
This is something I have had in my relationship with Abi (we've been together 9 years for context). She recognises it and has no issue with it being shared given how we've worked on it.
Hers comes from parental experiences as a child (as many can do) but manifested through her relationships in her teens and 20's. I noticed it and probably for the first few years began to resent or ignore it in some manner (my relative emotional immaturity and lack of capacity at the age I was).
I decided to bring it up directly and make it known I felt it was limiting to both her own potential and that of our relationship. Like any revelatory conversation about someone's character or persona, it was emotionally terse but we persevered and began exploring what it was and what it looks like. And also what the alternatives are and how to begin that journey of embracing what is a deep seated fear created by years of conditioning.
With support and hours of conversations, time with a researched therapist we've made huge progress over time and it's really been worth the investment for the two of us and any outside intimate relationships she chooses to pursue. I've also learned a lot too and she's begun calling me out on some behaviours over time which helps me.
All in all, it's a hard convo to approach but has major benefits for growth.
You only live once / make the most of it etc...
nightingale8
5 months ago
The people pleasers occupy a part of your life that make you feel good and affirm you, even if you’re not entirely deserving of affirmation. That space isn’t reserved only for people pleasers of course but I’d say for anyone who attracts that kind of person, it is telling of both them and you. Not pointing fingers, if anything it’s at myself lol!
I’d reframe and think about how you deal with boredom in spending time with that person. You’re bored, they’re bored. Oh dear!
Sextherapy
2 months ago
Superficially is dishonesty so basically everyone is dishonest. They all need confronting and they’re all run away. This is the world we live in. 
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