F47
Need cheering up, anyone know any good jokes? Lol
December 21 2014
Comments
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RHP User
11 years ago
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.' THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!' 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.' 'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'
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RHP User
11 years ago
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you."
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RHP User
11 years ago
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman. Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer' . The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'. Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.
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RHP User
11 years ago
The correct way to treat a good wine... Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
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Aristippusx2
11 years ago
Why did the sperm cross the road? It's been two weeks since I had a w@#k
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RHP User
11 years ago
A bra and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar. The jumper leads finds a table and the bra goes to the bar. Bra: 2 beers thanks barman Barman: I can't serve you Bra: why not? Barman: because you're off ya tits and your mate over there looks like he's about to start something.. ☺️ - Posted from rhpmobile
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Aristippusx2
11 years ago
Why is having sex with a prostitute like bungee jumping? If the rubber breaks you are dead.
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Aristippusx2
11 years ago
I had a threesome the other night. Sure there was a couple of no shows but I still enjoyed myself.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Two sausages are frying in a pan. One says to the other: "Gee it's hot in here!". The other one says: "OH MY GOD A TALKING SAUSAGE!!!!!!!"
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RHP User
11 years ago
Ralf, you're absolutely full of them, aren't you. Keep them coming. Merry Christmas.
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RHP User
11 years ago
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. he does this over and over again. finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket. The man responded "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home." Keep your chin up and hope you can have best Xmas possible. X
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RHP User
11 years ago
But this damn autocorect sure is funny :)..Nictalica,I know that this is a difficult time of year for many people who are away from family and friends...Let some friends know how you are feeling ,don't be alone.Hugs xx Freya
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RHP User
11 years ago
Love your work Ralf ;) GG♒️ - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Thanks Ralf You know all the good jokes lol
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RHP User
11 years ago
I hate sex in the movies..... Tried it once. The seat folded up. I spilled my drink. The ice really spoiled the mood! Haha
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RHP User
11 years ago
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today? Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?’ He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!
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RHP User
11 years ago
Thanks everyone, luv the jokes. A good chuckle always does the heart good. Thanks snowpatrol and Freya for the lovely words :) means a lot 😊
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RHP User
11 years ago
saved to my computer from old emails, love a good joke. Takes a while going through them because some are pics, others videos or links and some I have already posted. Hate it when I have a joke in mind but I can't find where I saved it and I can't remember them all. :(
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Smilingwithfun
11 years ago
Why is it so loud in a graveyard? There is so much coffin
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Smilingwithfun
11 years ago
Quickest way for a man to get a girlfriend? He licks his eyebrows.
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RHP User
11 years ago
.....did the condom cross the room ? Cause it was pissed off !!
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RHP User
11 years ago
The other day my girlfriend flipped out at me for using her toothbrush. I mean we been together for years, shared most bodily fluids, our lips on have pretty much been everywhere on each others body and she freaks out. I just don't get it...besides if anyone knows of a better way to get dog poop out of the tread of you joggers I'd like to know
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RHP User
11 years ago
An ol' geezer said to his son one day he was finding it hard to think lately...no worries dad said son, try these pills, they'll fix you up.....a few days later the ol' geezer said to his son, geez son these pills taste like sheep shit...now you're thinking dad.
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RHP User
11 years ago
How do you kill a clown? Go for the juggler - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
I talk about wanting a "Boyfriend" But I don't even know what I'd do with one Like what do you just kiss him And then leave him alone In a corner How often does it eat Haha
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RHP User
11 years ago
How do you circumcise a whale? Send down 4skin divers!!
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RHP User
11 years ago
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.
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RHP User
11 years ago
A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Saratoga, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, ‘If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?’The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, ‘Nah, you go ahead.’Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.The old cowboy quietly says, ‘Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.’
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RHP User
11 years ago
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
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RHP User
11 years ago
I was on a train this morning, in the loo.having a shit, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please?" "Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a shit." "I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door." "No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are Sweetcorn!"
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RHP User
11 years ago
Ralf that's gross bahaha
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RHP User
11 years ago
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's penis is bright orange. The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the problem. The man says "My day is pretty normal. I don't have a partner a the moment. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I dont come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make my self dinner, watch a little TV." The doctor asks "Do you do anything before bed?" The man says "Nothing unusual, I just eat cheetos and watch porn, why?"
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RHP User
11 years ago
...told me that I needed to get a penis enlarger.So I did....her name is Sandy and she's a 24 year old with blond hair and a nice rack.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Why did God make pubic hair curly? To stop it going up your nose....
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RHP User
11 years ago
A friend of mine recently held a fancy dress party where everyone had to come dressed as an emotion At the start of the night people the guest started to arrive the first came dressed all in red my mate asked what are you ? He replied I'm angry hence all the red my mate impressed let him in o the party , the second guest arrived dressed in blue my mate again asked what are you ? She replied I'm sad hence all the blue , very good my mate said and let her in after a while our two Indian friends arrived both naked one with a teddy strapped to his crutch and the other with his dick in a bowl of custard my mate asked what are you guys ment to be one replied Me I am deep in dis bear and my mate he is fucking dis custard ! Merry Xmas guys - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
A lot of people like to have a smoke after sex, But you can't buy cigarettes until your 16, So I have to buy them for both of us. - Jimmy Carr Haha
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RHP User
11 years ago
Mr Hugh Janus
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RHP User
11 years ago
Brian Stickle...married a girl called Tess
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RHP User
11 years ago
Teacher: Can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness & peace into people's lives? Little Johnny: Smo-king , Drin-king & Fuc-king...
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RHP User
11 years ago
A young guy's story ............... I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. .................. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new at it.She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
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RHP User
11 years ago
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dadanswers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....."
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RHP User
11 years ago
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. 'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'
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RHP User
11 years ago
From a holiday in South America and brought my wife back a present. "What is it?", she asked opening the box. "It's a Peruvian cock sucking frog", I replied. "What the fuck am I supposed to do with a Peruvian cock sucking frog?", she asks. "Teach it to cook then fuck off!"... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
My sex life! Boom tish - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes wind and says, Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says Touchdown, tied score.' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,'Touchdown, tied score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.
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RHP User
11 years ago
" GIVE IT TO ME !!" she said."I'm so fuckin wet,give it to me now!!!!!Well she could scream all she wanted....I was keeping the umbrella.;)
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RHP User
11 years ago
Did you know that the Kiwi's made the first condom out of sheep intestine?Aussies perfected it by taking it out of the sheep first.
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RHP User
11 years ago
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, Don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but whom you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying 'Hello..' I politely said, 'This is Rick, could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house And the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!' Then I hung up, And added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea... I called asshole #1. He said, 'Hello' I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me' I said, 'Make me.' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 oak tree Blvd., in Fairfax, A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.. And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, asshole,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass' I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax , to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in oak tree Blvd in Fairfax . I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'ralf74' When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, Don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but whom you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying 'Hello..' I politely said, 'This is Rick, could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house And the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!' Then I hung up, And added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea... I called asshole #1. He said, 'Hello' I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me' I said, 'Make me.' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 oak tree Blvd., in Fairfax, A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.. And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, asshole,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass' I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax , to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in oak tree Blvd in Fairfax . I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work. ....and well thought out.....Love ya work and I promise never to get on your bad side.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Little Johnny races home after school camp, "Dad, dad, dad" I got my first root today! Great says Dad sit down and tell me all about it. I can't says Little Johnny my ass is too sore.......
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RHP User
11 years ago
A husband was constantly letting rip the most horrendous farts, much to his wife's dismay. "You're going to fart so hard your guts are going to come out!", she'd say. One day while preparing a Thanksgiving turkey she had an idea and bagged up the intestinal tract of the bird. In the early hours of the next morning she strategically placed the intestines in the bed between her husbands leggs. Later that morning while she was making her morning coffee there came an almighty scream from the bedroom, then silence. Half a hour later the husband waddles into the kitchen. "Is everything ok dear?",the wife asks. "You were right", the husband replies,"I did fart my guts out. However with a little lube and some force it's all sorted!". - Posted from rhpmobile
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Seachange73
11 years ago
How are you? Hope the xmas has not been too bad for you.
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Seachange73
11 years ago
the last one on anger management is such an epic laugh a minute joke. Gold!!!
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RHP User
11 years ago
One day Superman was flying over the Justice League building when he spots Wonder Woman lying on the rooftop completely naked, spread legged, getting a tan. He thinks to himself, "Geez I'd love to have some of that Wonder pussy." He says to himself, "Using my super speed, I should be able to fly down and give her a few pumps and fly off before she knows what happened." So, he flies down gives her a quick few pumps and flies off. Wonder Woman says "What the hell was that?!" The Invisible Man says "I don't know, but fuck my arse is sore!" - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Tori Spelling walks into a bar, bartender says 'hey why the long face?' - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
A kid is watching TV one day with his Grandpa. The weather report comes on & afterwards the grandpa looks at his grandchild & says "looks like it's going to be hot the next few days mate". The grandchild sighs & says "tell something I don't know!". The grandpa pauses, then whispers back "your nans ass can take my whole fist" Hope everyone had a safe & merry Christmas xx
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RHP User
11 years ago
Much better thanks :D Everyone's jokes have def made me laugh a lot lol
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RHP User
11 years ago
The priest was having a wank and got sprung by an alter boy. " What are you doing father?'" he asked." Masturbating and you'll be doing it soon too." the priest replied." Why is that? " the boy asked." Because my wrist is killing me"
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RHP User
11 years ago
Three nuns are sitting on a park bench. A guy in a trench coat walks up and flashes at them. Two of the nuns had a stroke...the third couldn't reach.
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RHP User
11 years ago
An Arab Caliph has to have a risky operation. They discover he has a rare blood type, and track down a Scotsman who agrees to donate blood just in case. The operation is a success, and shortly after, the Scott is agreeably surprised to receive a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife and find his bank account topped off with $100,000. Shortly after, the Caliph again needs an operation, and again the Scot is contacted to provide a supply of blood. After the operation, he is disagreeably surprised to receive a hand-drawn thankyou card and a scratchy in the post. He rinds the Arab, and says ' I was expecting another valuable set of gifts like the Beemer, diamonds and cash for helping save your life' To which the Arab replied, 'Ah, but now I have Scotts blood in me, laddie!'
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RHP User
11 years ago
A GI private is having his first real parachute jump, and he freeezes in the doorway of the plane, petrified. The other guys scramble past and fall out the door with their parachutes billowing as they open. The big black drill sargeant bellows at him: 'if you don't get your pantywaist ass off my plane, I am going to fuck your butthole you sissy bitch!' and pomptly unzips his fatigues to reveal 18" of rock hard black cock. Later on, the other guys asked him 'did you jump?' And he replies 'a little, at first......'
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RHP User
11 years ago
You guys are hilarious. Hope you all had a Happy Christmas, and have an even better New Year.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Loving this forum!
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RHP User
11 years ago
I'm doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door!! Marriage is hard. Getting divorced is hard. Being single is hard. Your dick is hard. My nipples are hard. Everything is hard. Deal with it. How men get up in the morning- Brain: oh fuck Body: don't get up Dick: this is SPARTAAAAAA!!!!!
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RHP User
11 years ago
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans’ penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent the man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Q: why did the condom fly across the room? A: it was pissed off 😅😅😅
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Nictalica13' I'm doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door!! Marriage is hard. Getting divorced is hard. Being single is hard. Your dick is hard. My nipples are hard. Everything is hard. Deal with it. How men get up in the morning- Brain: oh fuck Body: don't get up Dick: this is SPARTAAAAAA!!!!! we know you're a big softee roll on your back for a tummy rub...there's a good girl...
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RHP User
11 years ago
There's a new Viagra on the market in the form of eye drops.It's so people can have a long hard look at themselves. :)
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RHP User
11 years ago
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
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RHP User
11 years ago
A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge . She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors who's stowed me away," she explained "I get food and free passage to Europe , and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly Ferry".
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RHP User
11 years ago
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
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RHP User
11 years ago
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!' The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
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RHP User
11 years ago
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.' A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
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RHP User
11 years ago
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? 'Is it mine?'
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RHP User
11 years ago
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.'
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RHP User
11 years ago
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, considering that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a blackbelt in karate. 4.. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professionalweightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professionalwrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell thatjoke?" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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RHP User
11 years ago
Two guys are playing golf. As they are putting on the green, a hearse drives by. One of the men looks at the hearse and tips his hat in its direction. The men finish the hole. On walking to the next hole, the other guy says that was very courteous of you to acknowledge the hearse. The guy responds saying "well it's the least I could do seeing I was married to her for 20 years" :p
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RHP User
11 years ago
What's the difference btwn a tyre and 365 condoms. A tyre is a "Goodyear", 365 condoms is a "fucking great year". Boom tish! Cheers P.L.
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RHP User
11 years ago
My Ex was the only woman in a factory & office with 50 guys, they treated her like a Princess. One morning she arrived at work & was told that a special client named Michael Hunt was there to view their operation & sign off on a major contract, he was waiting an important call from his people & would be in the boardroom most of the day & that when the call came in she should notify her Manager. The false call came in, she called the Manager, he came out of the board room and said "Mike" was not in there & could she page, she pressed the P.A. button & said "Mike Hunt, paging Mike Hunt, telephone call for "Mike Hunt". The whole factory & office erupted in laughter.Cheers P.L.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Of course I love ya darlin You're a bloody top-notch bird And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready There's somethin' there to grab So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there No Sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best I'm tellin' ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think it’s very sexy That you've got dimples on ya thighs I swear on me nanna's grave now The moment that we met I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get No matter what u look like I'll always love ya dear Now shut up while the cricket’s on And fetch another beer..
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RHP User
11 years ago
What's the definition of I definately? When your balls are banging against a chick's arse, you're in, definately - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
its indefinitely, not i definately as was published above - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Masturbating is a form of stress relief. So go fuck your self and calm down. 😳 haha
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'jimmie4412' There's a new Viagra on the market in the form of eye drops.It's so people can have a long hard look at themselves. :) V&VViagra & Valium...that way if you don't get a fuck you don't give a fuck... Viagra Lite30% less fat...
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RHP User
11 years ago
Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to aRugby match at the World Cup in England . At the station, the threeAussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maori's buy just oneticket between them. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asksone of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Maori's They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seatsbut all three Maori's cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes aroundcollecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticketplease." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticketin hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on. The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So afterthe game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and savesome money. When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris buy a singleticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buya ticket at all!! "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexedMaori. "Watch and learn bro ," answers a Aussie . When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet andsoon after the three Maori's cram into another nearby. The traindeparts. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walksover to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the doorand says, "Ticket please."
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RHP User
11 years ago
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?" Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol." "Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes."
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RHP User
11 years ago
Recession beater. Wife says to husband, “If you cycle to work, we can get rid of the second car.” He replies, “If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!”
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RHP User
11 years ago
Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, A drunk Kiwi led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall. 'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked. 'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied. 'A talking Australian clock - seriously?' 'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).' 'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it. 'Just watch' he said. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back. His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.. Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 'For f*#k's sake, you stupid Kiwi pri*#. It's ten pastthree in the f*#king morning!!!
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RHP User
11 years ago
My boyfriend gets really annoyed when I use the word "c*#t" I suppose he's got a point. I really should make the effort to learn his mothers name. 😳
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RHP User
11 years ago
Needed that, right on "time", been a hard week.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Do what I do when I'm a bit down. " Tell yourself a joke'' I do it all the time and really crack myself up.....LOL Pete
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Near_the_beach' Do what I do when I'm a bit down. " Tell yourself a joke'' I do it all the time and really crack myself up.....LOL Pete Don't tell it to yourself, tell it on here. Crack all of us up
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