F48
Mrs P I need help.....
August 08 2010
Comments
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RHP User
15 years ago
We have had that little dilema , decision or discussion..... call it what you will. Sometime ago Sarah and I were seeing someone on a semi regular basis. To cut a long story short Sarah after a while thought she would like to slow down with that person and I did not want to. This was in fact a fork so to speak in our relationship ....... it took sometime for us to decide where we wanted to head. You see we had always up to this point played together the large majority of the time. (Well in the same place, maybe different rooms ..... sarah might have grabbed a sassy lassy and had her way with her in a corner as I sat in the bar chatting etc to others) So it meant we spent many nights sitting together chattin about how to handle it in our large spa over a wine whilst reading books , how would it work what rules did we have etc etc etc ......... So in the end we decided I simply would play by myself on occasions with this person. (cutting another long story short) Which I did for sometime. To be honest it was a little rough for a while Sarah and I working out the dynamics of it all. I must say I think this is where poly play goes wrong , I think peeps think its all going to be love and roses but its not sometimes it's also the thorns as well! So we did this for a while but then the relationship I had slowed down and telling the truth it would be fair to say I did a murderously terrible job of ending it. We are now though very open to our single selves and our together selves seeing others ...... which leaves us flexible little souls .... Does that answer it ?
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RHP User
15 years ago
A topic heading guaranteed to get my attention on a topic I can't remember there being any threads on that really caught my attention :-( Thought the best place to look was couples corner n found nothing there but I asked Mr P' about a quote we know from RHP along the lines, 'that we can only go as fast as the slowest person in the couple'. He reminded me that we saw that on the Date Doctors page @http://www.redhotpie.com.au/DateDoctors/There's a cpl of videos there n it's from one of those. I think it was mentioned in the 'open relationships & swinging' clip.Hehe, you'll never be all ears to me Focus, more like all lovely legs ;-) I like your question and figure that if one of us was not keen on going ahead, that would be it for us. A bit of extra fun now and then is not what our relationship is about, it's something we add, not that either of feels we have to have. I imagine other couples could well feel differently. Something that occurred to me is there might also be our play pals to consider, not that I'm implying they're more important than the couple but friendships do form! That could be a challenging change to face.Hope you get lotsa excellent posts on something I'm rather curious to hear how other couples feel about.Hugs n kisses 4 for ya curious gal, oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
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RHP User
15 years ago
Brae I would pick you anytime mmmmm .....thanks so much for sharing am glad to see for you guys its all about communicationa and i guess thats they key with any conflict. Nice to knnow that people do have this sort of problem, can talk about it and then get through the other side much stronger for it and clearer about what it is they want. Mrs P - aw shucks honey thanks for the compliment and you mean this might actually be a first? now I am shocked! Am going to have to check out your tip for info too. But you raise an interesting point how do you then say good bye to the friends you have made along the way? Do you say goodbye? Can they understand that while you have had fun in the past its just not working anymmore? Excuse me while I go and perve on Mrs P arse for a while mmmmm...... Would love to hear from other couples or singles that were couples in this situation too Kisses Focus
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RHP User
15 years ago
We have had this chat MANY times but as yet have not encountered the situation.It is hard to know how you would go about things until you hit that point, we have had 'playfriends' that for various reasons we have decided not to continue seeing but we have been fortunate enough that they were either 'solo friends' (yes yes we play alone i have heard it all before) or it was a muutal thing where we both felt it want working so no real conflict, as relative newcomers to the scene we understand that it is not so much a case of 'if' but 'when' it happens and i guess we will continue to talk it over and when the time comes see what works for us.At the end of the day our marriage and our family is the number one priority and anything that threatens to interfere with that will be flicked without hesitation (or regret) we are both in this 100% and when that stops being the case we will both be out 100% Will be keen to hear what some of the more experienced couples have to say though, thanks for a great topic focus,Mrs GCxx
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RHP User
15 years ago
MrsGC - Glad to see you and MrGC are having a good time and are aware within yourselves that this problem could arise. Its shouldnt matter whether it be a solo friend or a couples one either way if you are no longer happy to play with them the respect should be there. Being a single girl who doesnt have to deal with this issue I am just curious to know how couples have dealt with or are dealing with this issue - yes I know i am a nosy bugger. Kisses Focus
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RHP User
15 years ago
Of course your a nosey bugger Focus.....as are all females..... Cheers Nev
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Mr_MrsJones
15 years ago
We got ourselves into a situation with a couple that went a little along these lines. Lady and the 'other' man got on like a house on fire. Lord and the 'other' woman had great sex but didn't connect on any other level. The two girls got on ok but the real driver was the relationship developing beteween Lady and the other man. So we all spent A LOT of time together and had some fantastic experiences. Sadly the other couple have since split and both of us have kept in touch with both parties to varying degrees. Lord and the other man have a kind of friendship and a good deal of respect for each other and have had a couple of 'boys' nights. I (Lady) have continued to have a relatively strong friendship with 'other man'. Sexually we had a few MMF sessions and I (Lady) had SOME solo play with 'othe manr'. During the whole experience we had a lot of discussions about the whole thing and Lord's view was basically he trusted me to make the decision on how involved I got. Of course if he felt I was getting too involved then he retained the right to step in and end things then and there. Solo play was not part of the normal agenda. 'Other' was also very mindful of not cutting his mate's grass so to speak. I would like to say at this point that we are by no means looking for 'poly' relationships and most of the time are just looking for sexual adventures. This one snuck up on us and now that we have been 'caught out' we are much more wary of getting in to this situation again. At the end of the day this is about us as a couple not about what either one of us can get out of playing for ourselves. So to answer your questions Focus I would say based on my experience it really has to be decided situation by situation. It all comes down to trust and communication. It is VERY important to ensure that the primary relationship comes first. If the situation develops where the secondary relationship becomes as important or more important then it is definitely time to have a good hard look at things and make some drastic changes. As a single person I guess you have to keep your own integrity in mind and be aware of getting drawn into other people's relationship issues or being used as a substitute partner. Hope that helps and doesn't confuse you more !!????
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RHP User
15 years ago
Nev you cheeky boy - get over here so I spank you.... Lordy_Lady - Wow!!! Thanks for your honesty, sure does give me reason to think...hmmmm Ok so I am not interested in playing with couples at the moment but have been known to play solo witht he odd married man or woman but boy you are starting to scare me. As long as the ground rules are layed out first hopefully I shouldnt get into any trouble but I will take your advice on board. Thanks guys Kisses Focus
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DonnaBrett
15 years ago
I read this question differently to others above, the general opinion seems to be that you are meaning one half the couple no longer wants to play with another particular couple? I read it as one half the couple no longer wants to swing..period! Different advice for each scenario....
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RHP User
15 years ago
Initially you are right that is what I meant Donna_Brett but am happy to hear all experiences. So would greatly appreciate your opinion or experiences on both side of the topic. Maybe I just didnt word my question properly? Kisses Focus
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RHP User
15 years ago
Just mulling how the grass can seem to be better on the other side of the fence. But then you don't really know someone until you've lived with them for a good period. Enjoying the swinging fantasy without succumbing to temptation is almost a circus juggling act in my feeble mind. For the escapism of an encounter may hold great attraction if it is discovered that the transient partner has something really special to offer that is lacking with the regular partner. Doubly dangerous should the play partner fully reciprocate these feelings and want to take things further. In reality we all have hidden vices that don't surface until living longterm under the same roof, so the magic of a play encounter may be simply a case of smoke and mirrors. It obviously will take a lot of trust and understanding of one's partner to test these boundaries, particularly complicated by varying needs between the partners. Emotional attachment being the minefield that needs to be negotiated without there being unforeseen casualties. A bit like using crocodiles as stepping stones. A stable and mature relationship is a prerequisite, combined with sufficient worldly experience, where both partners are not only uninhibited, but open and honest with each other, using their shared adventures as sensual therapy. Much as change is like a holiday, where the experience strengthens the appreciation of each other, knowing they are one of a kind, and how fortunate one is to enjoy these mutual opportunities and benefits. Hopefully this ideal environment will be more conducive to casualty free encounters and that jealousy will not become a detrimental factor, if there be an imbalance in the play partnerships.
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Mr_MrsJones
15 years ago
Focus I am sorry if I have scared you. All in all the experience has been a positive one. It just requires care and awareness of everyone's feelings. I still remain good friends with 'other man' and there is a possibility of play between the three of us in the future. Although while the partnership was splitting I did verge on becoming the 'substitute wife' and this did my head in a bit. You are right. Lay out the ground rules and stick to them. If it gets too much you can walk away. I also apologise for not understanding your intial question and agree with Donna_Brett. Different situations require different advice.
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RHP User
15 years ago
We have not come across this situation as yet, however at one time or another one of us has wanted to pull back and take a break. If that has been the case then we both stop. Sometimes of course the feeling is mutual, but the break has always been just that.I am not sure what we would do if one of us wanted to give it up for good. I do not see that happening in the foreseeable future, but if it ever happened I dare say it would be me who would want to stop. Andy has told me he could not now be in relationship where swinging was not an option. I think I could be, but I wonder how long it would be before I wanted to play again? Weeks, months or years? I feel certain at some point I would at least want to know that the option was always there.It would be as big a decision to make as the decision to become involved in swinging in the first place I would think. This really is a very interesting question Focus, and now I find I have rambled and all my ramblings indicate exactly my position on the question, I have absolutely no idea how we would deal with such a situation :)xx Salina
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RHP User
15 years ago
Eunuch - I do actually understand why people swing in the first place (have been in one of those myself and no my relationship did not break up because of the deisre for one to stop the other not to as we were both quite active even after the split) however what I am querying is what happens if/when this happens...one wants to stop completly...or maybe I missed the point of your verbal diarrhoea? Lord_Lady - Honey me saying I was cared was really just a little tongue in cheek. I am well aware of what can be involved when playing with married people and thus definately set out the ground rules first. Have had one start to worry me with insisting I only play with him and wanting me to be available at the drop of a hat - he went by the wayside VERY quickly - but would be interested to hear your thoughts on what would happen if one of you decided you wanted to stop playing completly. SalAndy - I am glad to see someone else who wonders with me as to what they would do in that situation - not that I am in that situation - but sometimes you need something interesting to think about. Ok now I'm rambling....though I find it interesting that Sal states that it would most likely be her who wanted to break away from it all...I wonder is this more the case also? Would it be more the females involved? or am I generalising again? Kisses Focus
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RHP User
15 years ago
Sorry Ms focusliason if my verbal diarrhoea muddied the waters… To me sex is a bit like eating, except we love to eat the cake and keep it too. I surpose one can spend all day dreaming up different scenarios, contemplating the various sexual moves and outcomes like a chess game. Though often it ain't the brain that's doing the thinking. That's my experience when I get into strife. It's a bit different if you're currently in one of those predicaments, then the cool and calm detached decision making generally comes unstuck. Guess it depends how much one can detach emotions from this often emotive activity? If you fall in love with your temporary play partner, then that's going to be a complication. One of those F**king machines seems a good substitute if one is only going through the motions. They have more stamina, unless there's a power strike, and you don't have to worry about their looks, smell or messy fluids. But once you get attached to a live heart-thumping-sweaty-breathing body who can talk back, has likes and dislikes, and an opinion, then its a different cake mix. Can see how you can be infatuated with the many play concepts, just thinking about it. Sex is a bit like eating… after a while you're still hungry. But eating the same diet every day will eventually becomes a pain, so seeking out new exciting cuisine is very tempting. Eating alone is also very boring, so dining out with company has its merits. But if one gets a tummy bug eating oysters, then should the other partner forgo their beef, lamb or chicken meal too? In the case of food, the meal is the one that gets consumed, but in the case of sex it is often all consuming, as both participants are the tasty treat. I expect by now I've muddied the waters even more? Dear Mrs P on the subject of food… sorry to be incommunicado the last few months and missing the splendid dinner. Only just caught up with VB's communique.
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RHP User
15 years ago
Mrs P Standing on her head trying to look up my pic...go on I dare you Eunuch...did you say something about cake?? Mmmmm Cake...but i do get your point...and with the rain we have been having over here today the water couldnt get any muddier...however i just want to know from couples after having chatted with a friend of mine about swinging how do you resolve this kind of issue? Is it a case where both in or both out? have you come to some kind of arrangemnt? and most recently who is it the usually wants out first? Kisses Focus
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DonnaBrett
15 years ago
Well then...in that case, it would make it very difficult if one half of a couple says he/she doesn't want to swing & the other still does. Once bitten by this fun, sexy & liberating bug we can't see how you could want to stop. To force your partner to give up something they love just because you don't like it is unfair & selfish..not just with swinging..but any past time or hobby. But in the case of swinging....if you don't want the relationship to fall apart...the partner who is bailing out would have to be cool with the other continuing to play in some, way, shape or form...how that would happen would take a lot of discussion & compromise?
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Mr_MrsJones
15 years ago
Well it is an interesting thing to ponder what would happen if one of us should want to stop playing. A few years ago Lord flew ultralights. We met a pilot who had a more spanky plane than ours and his advice to us was 'never fly something better than what you have because you will never truly enjoy what you have again.' In some ways playing is a bit like that. Once you have had some fantastic experiences you can't really turn you back on that forever because you will always wonder... As I said before this is about us as a couple and so if one half of the couple needs a break then of course the other half will give them what they need. While neither of us have expressed Andy's opinion that we wouldn't consider a life without playing I can't see either of us wanting to give up for good. We just keep our eyes firmly on the prize; Our fantastic relationship Vomit buckets available for anyone who needs them....
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RHP User
15 years ago
Donna_Brett - I guess for couples that have been swinging for aan extended period of yime then it canb be unthinkable that this might happen and I see your point about it being something that would need to be discussed and possibly a compromise being made. If one memeber of the relationship feels that strongly about continuing and the other doesnt and wants to force them both out I would have to wonder about the open mind of that person and why they got into the lifestyle in the first place. lord_lady - that is so sweet guys..nice to see your relationship is the ultimate for you...now to find one of them for myself (oh and lady is lord the ultralight or the spanky plane? ) Kisses Focus
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RHP User
15 years ago
I asked Andy this question after responding to the post and his answer was 'Break up'.I think I say it would likely be me that would choose to stop because I am a little more take it or leave it than Andy is, that being said I do like the option being there :) Plus, Andy deciding he had had enough...bahahaha :PAt first I thought his answer was quite abrupt however if the kind f freedom that swinging offers is something that is important to you in a relationship and you can not find a middle ground where both parties are happy then parting ways would have to be seriously considered. Donna_Brett make a good point. xx Salina
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RHP User
15 years ago
I can give first hand advice on this one. As we are now a 3 some and all live together, this is what we are doing now! You see bryan and i have been active in the lifestyle for over 18 years, and had pretty much done a lot of things together. Nowdays, we have John in our relationship, John is not a swinger and never was, he is my boyfriend and Bryan is my hubby, ( we all live together and it works.) You see John and I have different rules than Bryan and I had, and i am very comfy with the change and so is bryan. I dont play with guys at all anymore ( not that i did that much before anyhow), i am over the playing in the lifestyle with couples as welll, so you see i am not a player at all anymore when it comes to that part of the lifestyle. However, i have not told bryan he cannot play, he is welcomed to continue if he chooses too, having said that it is simply not that important to any of us so only if the opportunity arose would he do so. John and I do play with single ladies and or ladies of a couple , but dont play with couples at all. You see i have 2 relationships and one of them is nearly new ( 2 years almost) and we are taking it easy with regards to our play, where as Bryan and I have pretty much been there and done that. So the answer to your question is simply....when things change we change to suit. It is all about communication and who and what is comfortable with what...and where and when. We continually talk about everything and make sure we are all comfy in what we all do. SO change is good, as long as all agree to the change. I am happy never to play again with other couples or males and to concentrate on my relationship with John and Bryan , however, Bryan has the okay from me to continue in the lifestyle as long as we all agree to what he does and whom he plays with. Hope that is not too confusing..lol Leesa
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Mr_MrsJones
15 years ago
Of course Lord is the spanky plane. Never found anything better although have heaps of fun test driving!!!! Mostly they just enhance him though Good luck in your search Focus. They ARE out there and you find them in the most unlikely places!!!
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RHP User
15 years ago
SalAndy - wow what a tough choice Sal but if you are happy in your relationship then you will always find a way to work things out. But I do understand liking the option of having the availabity to play there. Couplesint - that is the most liberated lifetyle I have ever had the pleasure of reading. I am glad to see that communication is paramount for everyone involved. I agree with you re: change - we all change to suit different situations and this is no different but just a little more complex for some people. 18 years is quite sometime though at my 'tender' age (was recently told I ma too young for the following statement) I had been in the scene for about 10 yrswith previous partners and like Leesa I am at the point wher i can take it or leave it at the moment and am quite happy to just play with the one person at present. Lord_Lady - ohhh business class...lol... I am sure that he is out there somewhere for me I just have to recognise him when he comes alnog and snare him before someone else does... I reallly appreciate the comments and opinions and the varying way people would handle this situation were it to arise. Kisses Focus
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