M64
Laugh Along
July 06 2011
Comments
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RHP User
15 years ago
A boy turns up at school with his cat peeping ot of his school bag. his teacher is very puzzled and asks little Tommy what is you cat doing at school today. Tommy says I heard the postman telling mum when your kids go to school I'm going to eat your pussy! The prick was Chinese so I wasn't taking any chances.
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RHP User
15 years ago
Thanks for the laugh. Not a joke exactly but I got this in an email today and pmsl . Political Correctness- "Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
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RHP User
15 years ago
A bloke notices a tasty bird in the supermarket giving him the eye."Do I know you?" he asks.She says "your the dad of one of my kids arnt you?"He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, "Were you the hooker i bent over the pool table at my bucks while your mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that massive cucumber up my arse?" She stares aat him and says," No, Im your daughters teacher! And of course a classic.. What do you do if a bird shits on your windscreen?.... dont take her out again!
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RHP User
15 years ago
Chinese man rings boss to tell him he wont make it in to work that day cause he feels unwell.. The boss sympathies telling him that when he feels unwell he goes home,fucks his missus and that usually makes him feel better... A few hrs later the Boss gets call back..:"Feeling much better..u right...u have very nice house by the way.."
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RHP User
15 years ago
a woman goes to the doctors she says doctor iv got a piece of lettuce leaf hanging out my fanny the doctor tells her to get up on the table open legs and he will have a look he has a look and he sees the lettuce leaf hanging out her fanny and he says to her that it does'nt look to good the woman says to the doctor no it does'nt and its only the tip of the iceberg hahahaha
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RHP User
15 years ago
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did. Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.""f*ck that" says Mick"have you seen how many of their owners go blind" Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up! I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg" What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.
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RHP User
15 years ago
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?
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RHP User
15 years ago
I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and I said " You remind me of my little toe" She said "Is that because I'm samll and cute?" I replied " No because I'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table"
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RHP User
15 years ago
Seems that God was just about done creating the universe. The Lord had a couple of leftovers in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to urinate while standing up. "It can be very handy," God explained to Adam and Eve. "Would either of you like that ability?"Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! It seems the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please, Lord, let me have that ability. I would be forever grateful."Eve just smiled and shook her head at Adam's display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, then she really wouldn't mind if he were the one given the ability to urinate while standing up.And so, the Lord gave Adam the ability to urinate while standing up. Then, He looked back into his bag of leftover gifts. "Now, what have we here? Oh, yes, multiple orgasms..."
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WidowMale
15 years ago
In my next life, i want to live backwards, you start off dead + get that out of the way. Then you wake up in a old peoples home, feeling better every day. You get kicked out of their for being to healthy. Go and collect your pension + then start work, you get a gold watch + a party on your first day. You work 40 years until you are young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol + are generally promiscuous + then you are ready for high school, then primary school, you become a kid + you play. You have no responsibilites, you become a baby, until you are born, + then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa, like conditions with central heating + room service on tap, larger quaters everyday + then voila you finish off as an ORGASM !
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WidowMale
15 years ago
Medical fact ........ If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke . If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well!!
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WidowMale
15 years ago
I just told my new girlfriend that i suffer from premature ejaculation......... Fair play to her, she took it on the chin!
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RHP User
15 years ago
A nun is sitting on a train opposite a nigger who is eating a tub of prawns. Every time he eats one he spits the head at the nun, who ignore it and throws it out the window. Eventually, she gets pissed off and pulls the emegency cord. The nigger looks at her and says " You'll get fined $50 for that you stupid bitch" and laughs. The nun laughs back and says " When I cry rape and they smell your fingers you'll get ten years you black cunt"
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RHP User
15 years ago
Caught a homeless couple having sex in an alley last night so I went,"Get a roo...oh hang on." "Dad, how do you feel about abortions?""Well, why don't you ask your sister?""But I don't have a..."My girlfriend asked, "Do you want to get married?"I said, "Sure."She said, "Great, when?"I said, "Well like every other guy, when I meet the right girl."
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WidowMale
15 years ago
Eating pussy is like:Driving a car..One false move and you could hit the asshole in front of you! Eating pussy is like: The mafia , one slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
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WidowMale
14 years ago
A woman walks into a bar, orders a bottle of crystal champagne. She then lifts her skirt, takes down her thong and pours the champagne all over her pussy. The barman is amazed and asks 'why did u do that'? She replies 'i've just won the lottery, and thats the only cunt i'm sharing it with!
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WidowMale
14 years ago
A Woman answers the phone, a pervert on the other end whispers 'Have you got a big fat sweaty c***?' 'Yes' she says 'he's lying on the settee, shall I get him?
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RHP User
14 years ago
A young family with a 5 year old girl moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The 5 year old naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with an envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.When the girl and her mum got to the bank the teller asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.""Oh my goodness," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"The little girl replied, "I will if those fuckers at Lowe's ever deliver the goddamn sheet rock!"
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RHP User
14 years ago
I just lost my job as a lifeguard at my local swimming pool. apparently tapping the no bombing sign when a family of muslims walk past. isnt acceptable
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RHP User
14 years ago
A woman who stopped off at a bar on her way home from work. While waiting for her drink, she noticed a very handsome man who was eyeing her seductively sitting across the bar from her. He winked, got up, and went over to her side of the bar. When he reached her, he smiled, leaned over and whispered in her ear, “I’ll do anything you want me to do. Anything! I’ll fulfill your wildest fantasies for only $50. There’s just one condition . . . You have to tell me what you want me to do using just three words.”The woman, sat quietly for a moment. Then she reached into her purse and pulled out a $50 bill. She wrapped the bill in a napkin and wrote her address on it. She pressed the napkin into the man’s waiting hand, leaned over, and whispered, “Clean my house.”
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naughtymissxena
14 years ago
Whats the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Two hookers were standing on the side of the street. One looks around and says, "Its going to be a busy night tonight, i can smell the cock in the air" the other replies, "sorry i just burped".
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WidowMale
14 years ago
Famous sex quotes: "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." --Steve Martin "You know that look women get when they want sex? . . .Me neither." --Drew Carey "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Unknown "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." --Rodney Dangerfield "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." --Woody Allen "Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children." --Sam Austin "I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." --George Burns "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." --Matt Barry "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns
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WidowMale
14 years ago
We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me! That's my story and I'm sticking to it
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WidowMale
14 years ago
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing,I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
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WidowMale
14 years ago
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous ------ everyone hasn't met me yet.
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WidowMale
14 years ago
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don't have any film. Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.
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RHP User
14 years ago
The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the MCG in front of a huge crowd of 100,000 plus. The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and says "Do you know that with one wave of my hand I can make this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice." Gillard replies " I seriously doubt you can do that with just one wave of your hand, show me!" So the Pope backhands the bitch.
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RHP User
14 years ago
why dont witches wear panties????????????????? answer; to get a better grip on their broomstick
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WidowMale
14 years ago
What a woman says...This place is a mess! C'mon!You and I need to clean up!Your stuff is lying on the floor andYou'll have no clothes to wear if wedon't do laundry right now! What a man hears...blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blahblah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blahblah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
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WidowMale
14 years ago
A very naive Bloke is in a bar. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"She says, "It's me lower mouth."He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a moustache... It's got lips..."He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"She says, "Not yet. . ."
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WidowMale
14 years ago
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her."I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!""Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now.""I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he?"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him."Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"
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