F51
Is Single a State of Mind...
April 02 2011
Comments
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RHP User
15 years ago
I can relate to the self sabotage :) I dont know if being single is a state of mind or a state of selfishness. I want all those things too but then I still want that freedom to do things MY WAY. I worry that I will never meet someone that I will love enough to give up my selfish ways for. I have to believe that one day I will meet the ONE. I just hope it happens before I'm in a retirement home. Good luck Frackme....It will happen
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RHP User
15 years ago
Honestly I'm not sure I'd ever want to give up the freedom to do what I want, when I want.I've set my life up in such a way that boys only ever see 'single me' anyway, so even if they liked that bit so much they wanted more, i have the whole 'the rest is all downhill from here' thing to keep me safely single. That's my wall to hide behind and at this stage I'm blessedly thankful for it, but I acknowledge that if i want to change things in the future, that wall is going to really stand in my way and it's going to take a hell of a lot of personal growth to get over it. Sounds like you have also set yourself up a barrier to hide behind. Since there's nothing wrong with you and you have a lot to offer a guy, you're flipping it and laying the blame on guys, using your size as an excuse or wondering 'why are men afraid of relationships?' Now, logically, you probably know that men aren't afraid of relationships, nor are they all sizeist. There are men all over the world who are more than happy to be in relationships with girls of all shapes and sizes, and even more men out there who wish that they could be and pining that there aren't any 'nice snuggly girls with a naughty side' out there to be in a relationship with. So, how come you aren't finding them? I think you need to ask yourself how much belief you really have in yourself and what you have to offer. If you feel it inside, it'll shine through and attract people naturally. If have to give yourself a pep-talk and convince yourself of your own worth, you still have work to do, and there's no shame in asking for help along the way to get yourself into a state of mind where you really FEEL good about yourself without even having to think about it.i wish you all the best.xx Sarah
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RHP User
15 years ago
And the only contact I had with guys was some arsehole drunk who spat all over me, and some complete random who kept on checking out other girls as he was talking to me. I hate rejection... So I don't try.... That's the self sabotage bit.... But everywhere I go, there's guys who don't want a girlfriend....it's almost like how will we seed the next generation.... Lol. Maybe I'm over thinking this.... Again.... But I don't want to just settle... I don't think you have to lose yourself or interests when you're with someone who gets you.... I'm just really over being alone all the bloody time.... :-(
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RHP User
15 years ago
I have been single since 2001 and I wear a size 8-10 jeans...so, size has nothing to do with it at all! That is just an excuse, sorry! < I honestly believe it is the "vibe" that you are sending out to the Universe! What is that saying...like attracts like? Also, if you do as you say have so much self loathing....how the hell are you going to find someone that will love you? That love if found won't last long as you will sabotage the relationship by thinking "What does he see in me?" "Why does he love me?" It would never work. Until you learn to love and accept yourself COMPLETELY....I am afraid you will never find that love. You are in the time of your life that you are blaming the world for your problems...you are playing the "victim" and that is ok as alot of people do this...you just now need to realise this and stop it! > Everytime I read your posts I feel compelled to tell you about this book called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L Hay! This book is amazing and I think that if you do the exercises in it (alot of affirmations)..then you will be a new you within the next 6-8 months! Some people do not want to change as they are comfortable in living a miserable life and have never known happiness...so therefore...feel they don't deserve it! < Put men on the back burner for now...just get a root and boot boy every now and again to satisfy your sexual needs and just concentrate on YOU! You are the important one here...noone else! This is YOUR life and you have to choose to accept it as a loving and wonderful life for YOU! < You know Frack...you have a great heart and the guy that you end up with will be very lucky! You are loyal and loving and very attentive to your loved ones. You will bend over backwards for your friends and for your family and lovers...How about bending over backward for YOU now! You deserve it xo xFunlovingx
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RHP User
15 years ago
Quoting 'Frack_Me'And the only contact I had with guys was some arsehole drunk who spat all over me, and some complete random who kept on checking out other girls as he was talking to me. That's the sort I get. I try very hard not to make eye contact because if they manage to get you to look at them they think IT's ON. I went out to a very dodgy club one night with a girlfriend and as soon as we walked in I could tell what sort of a place it was. I kept telling her "dont look em in the eye" but she slipped up and next thing was surrounded. I wasnt a very good friend cause all I could do was laugh and look at the floor. But the real problem is that when there is a wanker like that around I get my hard faced bitch look happening and scare away any decent guy that might be around.
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RHP User
15 years ago
I feel like i just read a statement about myself. Sometimes I feel like I have a huge sign above my head saying avoid at all costs. I was so sure I was self sabotaging that I have enlisted the help of a psychologist to help me sort myself. I can see myself in a better light but I'm still impatient waiting for that "right" man
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RHP User
15 years ago
This is what popped into my mind as I perused this thread. You girls are all approximately middle aged.Most blokes in your age group who have a hankering to be settled down, are by now.The readily available blokes are either married, and who wants them ....right, or recently divorcedmen who really don't want to go down that road again, or young guys who are just looking for a cougar or two to bag,then of course there are the players.Alll in all Its probably slim pickings as you rummage around the bottom of the barrell.Am i cheering you up yet? heheheCheers Nev........There probably around.....but won't fall out of every tree you shake!
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RHP User
15 years ago
Hi Frack_Me, I do believe in part it's to do with the mind set we have and the "vibe" we give off. . I don't seem to have a problem forming relationships BUT.... if you are looking for a long lasting quality relationship then I wouldn't focus on the number of men you've been rejected by (or rejected yourself) or the number of years you've been looking. . Instead identify who YOU want and give off that vibe ! Outgoing, happy, friendly women attract men regardless of their size. . On another note.... I know Palmerston quite well and must say that the quality is not always that high ! I could give you the contact details of my ex who is probably living around the corner from you (but you deserve better). I know he'll be looking for another women. If a 6'3" good looking guy with a shaved head comes your way or asks you to go fishing... RUN !!! Why is it that all those Darwin men love to fish ? . I recommend you jump on a cheap flight to Melbourne and join us at the next Drinks night. There really are lots of great guys down here. . Good luck. Remember... step one... identify what type of guy YOU want. Don't waste your time going to places where your type of guys don't hang out. Bars and clubs are only good for dancing, drinking and one night stands ! . Hugs, Miss Saturn
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RHP User
15 years ago
...Break-through (eventually) and sounds like you've met your demons, lived with them for 9 years and are now ready to expose them, and be rid of the status that's not really you. . Well Done! and big girls are just as sexy as little ones don't you worry about that. Single is relative term with respect to the status of Attached and is an emotional bonded state of mind coupled with the actuality of no partner, to be precise, but in your case it has been more a resigned admission that you were not worthy anyway (from your self convictions stated). . Getting it out is a sure sign you're getting out, and soon enough you'll be back into the excitement of relationships. . Go Frack_Me
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RHP User
15 years ago
Quoting 'Frack_Me'I'm just really over being alone all the bloody time.... :-( I have always enjoyed reading your posts Frack_me...you seem to be able to articulate emotions really well and I admire that. . I met my man a week after I decided that I could be happy on my own. I decided that I didn't need a relationship to be happy I just needed friends....and so I shifted my thinking to that of looking for friends rather than looking for a lover. . But when you are craving just to be touched and cuddled and skin to skin, it's easy to blame yourself as being undesirable. Ask your friends for a big hug....I know that sounds weird, but it does actually help you to feel loved and stop that cycle of self balme and loathing. Laughing also helps....it releases the feel good hormones and we look happy. . I hope tomorrow is happier for you :) xx
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RHP User
15 years ago
And i havent been married, as opposed to a lot of the ladies on this site... one boyfriend in my whole life who treated me like a surrogate mother, not a lover. I understand you get back what you put out there.... but after 9 years of being told I'm not attractive enough because of my weight, having lost weight and still not being attractive enough, having spent so much time doing for myself I don't know how to let a man do for me anymore... men telling me that my short hair isn't attractive enough, my arse is too big, my legs are too muscley, I laugh too loud, why do I have to change? I actually like me. I do. I think I'm a good person, with a lot of offer the right bloke. but whenever I come across someone I think is the right bloke.... apparently I'm not the right girl...for some superficial reason or another. If blokes want to be accepted for who they are, and it's a bit like love me or leave me for them... why can it not be the same for girls. Why are we always either comprimising our self worth or personal image to please a man, or we have to say goodbye to an otherwise ok, could be good relatonship... Just wondering
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RHP User
15 years ago
But... have you gone to see someone and talk through how you feel.... I mean a professional. Mates are great but maybe have coloured glasses on and likely sometimes to tell you what you might want to hear. You should never compromise who you are for no one. I agree with the other comments. Most men worth their salt will look beyond what you think is an issue eg weight. I dated a woman who carried a bit of weight. Didn't bother me, but her insecurities overcame her thoughts. Men look at other women. Women do also, and they possibly are more discreet. But a glance at people does not mean you want to get horizontal with them. It is people watching. I also look at men, NOT because I want to get horizontal with them, but I like to see what they are wearing casually. Back to the point! I think sometimes what we are feeling inside sometimes sabotages our ability to overcome our insecurities and open up to a genuine person. As I said I dont know you, I can only relate to my experience with a person who felt like you. Her insecurities overcame her ability to have a sustainable relationship. cheers
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RHP User
15 years ago
my older brother said a few months ago I was approaching middle age... which I thought.. who are you to talk? hime being 6 years older than me. So what age is it?
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RHP User
15 years ago
Quoting 'CarlosSpicyWienr' This is what popped into my mind as I perused this thread. You girls are all approximately middle aged. Most blokes in your age group who have a hankering to be settled down, are by now. The readily available blokes are either married, and who wants them ....right, or recently divorced men who really don't want to go down that road again, or young guys who are just looking for a cougar or two to bag, then of course there are the players. Alll in all Its probably slim pickings as you rummage around the bottom of the barrell. Am i cheering you up yet? hehehe Cheers Nev........There probably around.....but won't fall out of every tree you shake! Sad but true. Thanks Nev x
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RHP User
15 years ago
Hi Frackme! How are you going?? For what it's worth, here's my honest feelings on such a matter....First of all, I reckon you DO like yourself, though you're not COMFORTABLE with yourself. Until you are, you're pissing in the wind babe (well, imagine being a guy having that happen... yuck hey!!).It seems that if you have any committed relationship right now, or are expecting one, you're asking to be rescued. Been there, done that and it just doesn't work.... It stains a relationship from the beginning... The stain don't get out. Your honesty has reminded me of past events, and if you're wanting something so bad, it is suffocating... and hey, it can go both ways in a relationship... so be careful of those freaky guys alright!? What a relationship doesn't need are partners acting as a crutch, coz they'll feel that way... get it? Then they go, and you fall flat out.. Splat. not pretty hey?Bloke Lessons Number 1.We like naked ladies... They also look great in something sexy, or their favourite dress... but naked is good!We are attracted to all sorts, depending on who we are, how we look, what we like etc... and then there can be the chemistry! Ka-Pow! Get it?? A good rule of thumb to use is if you get up personal with a guy, if you find he has a hard on, he's got it for you! At that stage, you can feel comfortable in your own skin from there doin what you like doin best, and thowing away the redundant hang ups (guys find hang ups... and I mean genuine hang ups... energy sucking antics to help you want to run away, when you previously didn't! Comprehende?We can sense a feel of aggression from a woman a gazillion miles away if it's directed at them, for what ever destructive reason it's being done for. My guess is if you felt that way towards me, if would be because even though you like yourself, you're not comfortable with yourself. Ah... I think we're homing in here. Anxiety? Depression? I've learnt enough about those topics so I feel I like myself, like time with myself, and the better I genuinely feel, the more likely good people will come into your life.....In the meanwhile, there's yourself! Fuckin' good deal! I reckon you know this, just forgotten perhaps?Also, are you looking for sex as I've been on this website...? Or a relationship... as I've been? And when I say relationship, I may even mean sex between hello and goodbye and nothing more! Having fun without it leading love is the best way to get slapped in the face with love if that were ever to happen (besides the traditional ways)! In the meanwhile I got too many things to enjoy in life! No kids for me, that's my cards and how you wish to enjoy your poker is only your choice from there! Being single with only yourself to care for is a brilliant option!I diverge.. if you want a relationship for the long term (which most people do) I don't think you should be on a web site where guys wonder if you do anal or not, and mostly aren't looking for a relationship which leads to the loss of there psychological and financial welfare! Can I get a sign of hands for support here? Hey?Anyway, my rant for this evening. Never written a message here before, coz there's been nothing worth it! Except for now.Can't wait to see the replies tomorrow night! I now have that night free because a date cancelled on me. Fweewww, you should have seen the kranky txt this girl sent with such presumption of my thoughts! She got in early to tell me off... now don't be like her! Never known anyone yet who can read my thoughts and know how I feel! Shame, she seemed such an interesting person... I may have even found her attractive! Either way, there would have been NoRegretz!! Ha Ha!!NoRegretzps. The nice thing about Darwin and those other blokey towns is that they can be so blokey the blokes are such yobbo blokes that when a normal bloke who doesn't have to be blokey all the time can meet lovely attractive and friendly ladies (like here in Darwin!) who are sick of all the yobboish yobbos, and it's amazing how people get on and smile when there being themselves as they're comfortable with themselves.pps. Hope I keep you off Doctor Phil for now!!
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RHP User
15 years ago
I dont remember anything nasty in that text.... I remember honesty in the replies and yes, I was pissed off that someone who didn't even know me or my situation, decided they had the right to make comment about my hair... it was meant as a discription of something visable to recognize me by... what I was really pissed off at is the fact that someone who has not even met me thought it was well within their right to pass judgement on my choices about my apperance, and then try to "nice it up" by saying if it's my choice, good for you. It is my bloody choice, it's actually a necessity thing. It's called stress related psorisis which gets worse in heat.... and long hair is hot to deal with...so I choose to make life easier for myself and keep it simple. I get stressed in my job. I get stressed in life. I try hard not to but sometimes ya just can't avoid it. As for bloke rules....so every single guy that has had a hard on for me has been interested in me? So why am I still single.... maybe you ought to have been more specific, They were interested in what was between my legs for a short period of time and hoping they could get in between them as well. otherwise, i wouldn't be single still I'm not looking for a relationship from this site. I know how men see the chicks here, so maybe i am just here for the forums and chat and occassional great shag. You're presuming to know a lot about a person whom you havent even met yet... pot calling kettle black perhaps..... I never cancelled. I asked to be contacted closer to the date to make sure I was still free... because in my life... shit happens. You've assumed because I got cranky at your overt "play nice" judgement that I was cancelling.... so whats happened this week.... I'm trying to find money to cover rent, two credit cards, loan to parents, speeding ticket, save for bond to cover when lease on house I'm in runs out to renew under my name, a 550 buck excess on repairs to my car where a donkey hit it, medical expenses and still be able to eat at home, let alone go out to tea with someone who cancelled on me last week for his own reasons... comprende! For the next fortnight I'm living on 100 dollars, thats without any of those bills paid because I've been made responsible for rent when others cannot pay on time... so I don't put others out, I stuff myself over and stress myself more. So unless you have a spare 5k lying around to make my life easier, save judgement and banal opinions to one's self. You never know the circumstances of someone whom you have never met.
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