How do you feel after your significant other has sex with someone else for the first time?
November 13 2021
Essentially, I'd like to know how both parties feel after their partner has sex with another, when only one of them is doing it.
I'm a happily married woman who has an unsatisfying sex life, for varying reasons, going on six years. Recently my husband had been encouraging me to seek satisfaction elsewhere as these reasons will never change to a level where we can have a fully fulfilling sex life, and he has said he doesn't want me to miss out on what I desire.
Now I had plenty of sex before we met, but wasn't in a position at that time to seek what I desired. Now I think I am. And I cannot deny I want to be fucked hard and fast and deep and rough and maybe even kinky.
I am worried about how my hubby will really feel if I do take the step. He says he'll be fine with it, but will be really? What should we discuss before moving any further? Any advice would be much appreciated.
Comments
RHP User
2 years ago
Sit down, talk everything out! Before you proceed
ElectricDreamers
2 years ago
Unless he's got a history of saying 1 thing but meaning another- take him at his word.
Couples can enter ENM (Ethically Non-Monogamous) Relationships in many different ways - this is 1 of them.
Yes, it's 100% true that there might be teething issues and unexpected jealousy but you might also find going down this root 😉 sparks up your husband's sex drive. It might not but it might...
The things you do need to consider - your personal safety, is he ok with you finding an on-going FWB or should you stick with 1 off or encounters where you put others in between returning to a sexual partner?
In some ways going off playing separately is the very far end of the swinging scale because so much of the scene is built around couples... that said it doesn't sound like you two are in the scene to begin with - and so this question is less about swinging and more about staying respectful and respected in an ENM relationship.
Play safe.
FeistyFatty
2 years ago
You should be discussing this with him. Then discussing it again and again and again. Leading and ethically non monogamous marriage myself, I attribute its "success" to communication. Best of luck x
Ex007
2 years ago
Check with him how much if any details does he’s wanting to know about your experiences. I totally agree with everything above. Life is about agreements.
Speak about everything before anything happens and even type up a written agreement that both parties understand fully.
People only get upset when an agreement is broken. But you must take the time to make sure that the agreement is fully understood by both parties.RHP User
2 years ago
Think about it, talk about it, repeat as needed.
Neither of you will really know how you feel until it happens.
If your marriage is strong it could be beneficial to you both, or vice versa.RHP User
2 years ago
Opening putting it out what the boundaries are and constantly checking in on this. Having mixed emotions or jealousy is a sign the boundaries may need rethinking. I was the fwb for a short period where the guy had lost interest sex. They had a few simple rules like no naughty time in their bed or shower in the ensuite. I met him a few times in social settings and he wanted to hear about my experiences he eventually found his interest in sex return and probably made them stronger has a cpl.
MegSydBlr
2 years ago
I am someone who encouraged my wife to get into similar arrangements but my reasons were different. I love watching her with other men and enjoy it more than any other sexual act. Believe you both should talk through and try it once to know how exactly you both will feel.
RHP User
2 years ago
It depends on the person. Only you will truly know if he's saying what you want to hear or if he truly has compersion. Exhaustive communication is key. We talked it out in high detail from the physical aspects to emotional implications for 3 years before we truly knew we were ready. We've been together 20 years, so luckily for us we knew with utter certainty the trust and encouragement was pure. With that groundwork, We've had very little wires crossed situations, and those are easily unpacked over a coffee and an honesty discussion.
Good luck in breaking the social constraints and finding your best dynamic.RHP User
2 years ago
There's quote; swinging puts a magnifying glass on what's already there. Very true.
Sawadee
2 years ago
I can understand what ppl are saying about the communication angle. And yes , you need to communicate to work out if your on the same page or not .. lm a firm believer that overthinking something as delicate as this can be confusing and only get in the way of any forward thinking. Not saying go gung ho , but not lose sight of why you arrived here in the first place... If you decide to go ahead, be prepared for the unexpected. Be prepared for your emotions to be challenged , because they will. ? Knowing this beforehand , at least has you prepared somewhat. On our first occassion , l felt very emotional with the kissing , l wasnt prepared for that , yet l was quite OK with the sex.. Go figure ?
1983ladyinred
2 years ago
Thank you for all of your detailed and considered responses. You've confirmed that I am on the right track with the discussions we've been having and also given me some more things to think about.
RHP User
2 years ago
"He says he will be fine with it, but will he really?" There isn't enough info in your question to hazard a guess. So my advice is to experiment and see how he reacts (the idea being that if he reacts badly you could recover from a small indescretion easier than a large one). e.g. mention to him you saw an attractive person when out and about, and considered striking up a conversation but ultimately didn't. Then ask him how he feels about that and observe his mood over the next few days. If he is moody or jealous or despairing or down... perhaps he is not coping with this new behaviour. If he is fine, then happy days, risk a little bit more/go a bit bigger next time, like actually strike up a conversation with someone, repeat telling him and seeing his reaction.
"What should you discuss before moving on?" His expectations. Your expectatons. Any rules you guys want to follow. Who among the people you know is on the do-not-fuck list. Are you going to tell anyone else like your friends about what you are doing, and if so how much are you going to tell them? Does he want to know details when you are having adventures, or does he want you to keep details to yourself? What practical communication does he want from you e.g. if you are out on a date does she want to know when you arrive at the pub, when you meet the person, when you go back to their place... or does he not want to know at all, just wants to know things that affect him like when you will be home etc? Some of this will depend on his level of risk - when my wife is out on her own I like to be kept up to date regularly because I feel like there is less risk if I at least know where she is throughout the night. It would be good to talk about your desires and see if he is worried about you fulfilling them - e.g. if you are going to be in a risky situation (e.g. a gangbang or outdoor sex or going straight to a strangers house instead of meeting at a bar first), then how do you do it so he isn't worried for your safety. Rules talk should include talk about safe sex and what that means for you both e.g. condoms etc. Also talk about what could go wrong and how you might handle each.RHP User
2 years ago
Several things are not mentioned. Your husbands age, is he medically unable to satisfy you (injury/handicap)? Does he know you're on RHP?
Men approach this differently to women. Is he happy to know what you're doing or prefer you to have your playtime without his knowledge? It's one thing to have a discreet sexual liaison another to rub it in his face.
From a male perspective, if I was unable to satisfy my partner because of medical reasons then I wouldn't deter her from seeking it elsewhere, provided she could not get too emotionally involved. I love seeing her receive pleasure and wish she would relax and be more uninhibited that way. We're comfortable with each other but although I would be agreeable to her playing by herself sometimes with either female or male friends she refuses to indulge because she doesn't want me to miss out.
If he's genuinely happy for you to get some fun elsewhere in full knowledge, Go for it. It might be the turn on he needs to put the spark back in.
Byron2Bay
2 years ago
I don't think it is either binary or fixed.
It feels reasonable that you can want your partner to have great experiences without always liking it 100%. Or needing to like it 100%. Why not recognise and allow yourself to fully feel what you feel? Don't we do that all the time within life where you want something for your partner but sometimes it's not perfect for you?
And yes feelings aren't static or something negotiated with pure logic. Sometimes you will feel vulnerable and other times you'll be fine. Could be timing, or something about the third person or something subtle between you that will set off anxiety that passes or sticks.
Look at your feelings. Don't assume anything. Talk to each other.
Our relationship has grown from these events. Certainly we come back together and reignite passion within a slightly changed energy that is good. Not sure how we'd go without a strong sexual chemistry and a foundation of friendship.
Everyone is different. It's very complex. Ultimately, it's a risk and you have to understand that your relationship may change, but within that you have a need that is worth taking the risk.
Good luck
Boards
Forum help
Something related with that
Going somewhere & want to hook up?
Hasn't that topic been posted before?
RHP's popular dating tool
Where the heck did that topic go?
Discover what RHP is doing offline
RHP member's RL secrets
reply
like
report