F61
How do I stop having feelings?
October 03 2011
Comments
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RHP User
14 years ago
You and only you can stop this from happening. Are you sure you are not confusing the feelings? I care for my friends...all of them. Even the ones with benefits and that is one of the reasons why my profile stipulates friends and not just fuck buddies. I like to know how they are, what is happening in thier lives. We chat just the same as I would with any other friend. If you have this closeness as well as great sex things can get a little confusing ...if you let them... You need to stop and start considering them as friends. Would you constantly be crying over a female friend? Constantly be texting her? They are friends first, friends last and friends always. It is the aspect of friendship that I like the most and that is why I do not have too many. If these men are telling you not to fall for them, maybe it is like a red rag to a bull. Maybe something in your mind then does develop these feelings .... just because you were told not to... If they are saying not to then it is a good indication to me that they clearly dont want anything more than just sex anyway. How many frineds with benefits do you have? If there is only the one and you see them often, yes you will develop strong feelings. l l Only one other way to stop this.......chose a married man....he is never gonna be yours and you cannot text him day and night. It is when he can and not when you can. Problem solved. lol.
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RHP User
14 years ago
You and only you can stop this from happening. Are you sure you are not confusing the feelings? I care for my friends...all of them. Even the ones with benefits and that is one of the reasons why my profile stipulates friends and not just fuck buddies. I like to know how they are, what is happening in thier lives. We chat just the same as I would with any other friend. If you have this closeness as well as great sex things can get a little confusing ...if you let them... You need to stop and start considering them as friends. Would you constantly be crying over a female friend? Constantly be texting her? They are friends first, friends last and friends always. It is the aspect of friendship that I like the most and that is why I do not have too many. If these men are telling you not to fall for them, maybe it is like a red rag to a bull. Maybe something in your mind then does develop these feelings .... just because you were told not to... If they are saying not to then it is a good indication to me that they clearly dont want anything more than just sex anyway. How many frineds with benefits do you have? If there is only the one and you see them often, yes you will develop strong feelings. l l Only one other way to stop this.......chose a married man....he is never gonna be yours and you cannot text him day and night. It is when he can and not when you can. Problem solved. lol.
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RHP User
14 years ago
I find my mindset changes and what i need/want also changes. But I am not always on top of it, we all slip up, only human and all that. But if it keeps happening to you, then you probably need to change something...? I'd say one FWB wouldn't be enough as that is ALL your focus, get busy and have more! lol and you need to lust after them, but not have one that via quick assessment would be your mr.perfect keeper, when u both are saying yeah i want FWB. You need to take a step back and think, I am not having fun right now, do i need a total break? or just go back to the odd FBs? Or maybe be upfront and say you are looking for more than a friendship, with benefits where possible? That is how i approach it, like swapping hats!! FB hat for a while then FWB, sometimes mix em 2gether, then bored or not happy with either and need a break or wanna wait until someone gets under my skin emtionally as i need that, as i am all play dated out!! haha
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RHP User
14 years ago
You can care about your FWBs, hell you can even love your FWB as friends. I also understand how you may want to see them more. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I suppose the problem arises when you start to want more then friendship.Maybe you are getting your feelings confused with love and possibly a case of you want what you can't have. I understand that too. If you keep doing this or repeating the same pattern well, you either rethink what you want out of life, or as soon as you start feeling like that (waiting by the phone and crying when they don't ring) stop seeing them immediately before you get sucked in to the whole miserable cycle. xxMeeka
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RHP User
14 years ago
You know a lot of married guys have a three date rule or something like that, that is, they see women only a handful of times and no more. That way there is no risk of attachment on either side. Or so I have been told.xxMeeka
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RHP User
14 years ago
From your post meggie, it sounds like you want to be able to let go of being "clingy"....is this right? Or do you really want a relationship that can grow? . I guess you really need to work out what you want. But if you want to let go of that clingy feeling, then a few fb's are the way to go...leave your heart at home and shag to your pleasure. . A wise man once said to me about a mans perspective on relationships....."it finishes how it started"....if it starts as NSA sex it will generally finish as NSA sex....nothing more. . If you want more than this, then in my view you need to nurture the friendship first.
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RHP User
14 years ago
From your post meggie, it sounds like you want to be able to let go of being "clingy"....is this right? Or do you really want a relationship that can grow? . I guess you really need to work out what you want. But if you want to let go of that clingy feeling, then a few fb's are the way to go...leave your heart at home and shag to your pleasure. . A wise man once said to me about a mans perspective on relationships....."it finishes how it started"....if it starts as NSA sex it will generally finish as NSA sex....nothing more. . If you want more than this, then in my view you need to nurture the friendship first.
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RHP User
14 years ago
After reading your profile I think that maybe you are looking/needing more than a FWB...ie a partner/companion who can also satisfy your sexual needs? Seems like you are friendly and warm by nature so you would indeed find it difficult to not develop feelings for some of your FWB's. There are so many single guys on here, surely they aren't all "cold fish" who never want more than a quick fuck with a gorgeous single woman? I wouldn't recommend the married man either. I did this myself in times gone by and you will still develop feelings for them anyway. Sometimes they develop feelings for you and then all hell breaks loose. I eventually found my life partner who gives me everything I need...including the best sex I have ever experienced. Then add to that our swinging lifestyle...I feel very fortunate.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Females yearn to be held and loved.. Thats not uncommon.. Its nature...
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RHP User
14 years ago
And humans have feelings. We can't help how we feel. I was in a similar position as you but thankfully it all stopped when I met my current partner. Find someone who knocks your socks off and wants to stick around for a while. Suddenly all those guys you had feelings for will seem like a warm memory.......
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RHP User
14 years ago
Mood Stabilizers.
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RHP User
14 years ago
A Nick fan club ???? I can't say i have found any of his comments anything but cutting I have a vague memory of his posts actually being a good read once, not just these one liner time wasters...
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RHP User
14 years ago
Sounds to me you real looking for a guy to enjoy all pleasures of life with in & out of the bedroom Truthfully most of us are Perfectly healthy friends with benefits are not for everyone infact its not always realistic as we all have feeling & over time a relationship can growI say look for what you want, the man of your dreams but have an sexy time along the way xxx
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RHP User
14 years ago
Denying your feelings is not a good idea - don't try to stop your feelings.Personally, I reckon it's more about accepting your feelings and then choosing what to do about them.Perhaps you need to find someone who is willing to be in an open relationship with you - so you can grow and indulge your feelings safely - then you can have fun with others while your heart is safe and nourished.If I lived in Cairns, I'd be following this up with "and I happen to know this guy called onlylivetwice who..." hehe! But I'm far too far away in Sydney to even try... :( You're obviously intelligent and passionate from reading your profile, I can't imagine you'd have too much trouble finding a decent guy to build something with.My two cents, hope that's helpful! :)
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RHP User
14 years ago
I think this is something you learn to manage yourself. Emotional attachement is only appropriate in certain circumstances,it is NOT appropriate when that person belongs to another (happy or not) and it is NOT appropriate when that person has made it clear that they are not looking for a relationship. I get very attached to people too, don't get me wrong honey. I"m a complete emotional sap!!!! BUT, i draw a line in the sand and allow only a certain level of emotion. People say how can you control your emotions, they are emotions and by their very nature are a free and wild thing. Not so, the heart can be controlled....if you want to control it, if you're determined that the tail will NOT be wagging the dog. Also it helps if you're a logical self preservationist. If i allow too much attachement here, this will bring me pain and sadness. Why would i do that to myself, the person i'm supposed to love the most? Meh, it's all i got honey. They are all lovely. I think it must be harder for single gals. I have no choice but to keep my feelings in control. I have a family at risk if i don't. But i do understand how hard it can be. I have a friend who i have known for a long time, he's single and i'm so dreadfully fond of him, too fond. But...........only I am in control of my emotions and that's how it should be. People have more strength and control than they think within them, they just have to be prepared to use it. xxxgoodgrl
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RHP User
14 years ago
As it stands FG, I do not hang around simply to make the monkeys laugh. If my comments appear cutting, and if you can't be bothered to read less than one line of text, then I weep for you. I am not here for the amusement of you, or anyone else for that matter. You ask a question, you get an answer. My sense of humour is about absent as your appreciation of my chameleonic nature so you're going to have to forgive me for not giving the vaguest hint of a shit. I'm sick and tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin rockstar from mars. If you honestly believe I should give away my A-material for free then you need a chopped up into little itty bitty pieces and fed to pig, Pickton style. Now, on topic... In relation to the OP's question, and personal swipes aside, ON TOPIC, I have since given up feelings. I have given up caring about trained monkeys like FG here... because its just too much effort. I have embraced my inner sociopath - and I love it. The easiest way to stop caring is to pull a Nike and just do it. Human beings are wired selfish, and the ones that aren't are purely masochistic. I concede, I have closed myself off by choice, as a matter of self preservation. Aside asking yourself ' what would jesus not do', my best advice is to start viewing sex like a guy. Start having sex like a guy. Who knows, you might even be relieved of the burden of your own hyper-sensitive emotionality. Me, bitter? Fuck no. I think its hilarious.
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RHP User
14 years ago
wow cant believe you sound just like me! i have just come out of a 24yr marriage a virgin when we married.... i have had a hand full of fb's and yes i feel the same....i always want to please and give 110% always...i have just had the best two weeks with a guy then bang nothing.....i think i scared him lol.....i cooked him dinner/breaky etc everything was awsum we felt like teenagers again but then it was gone....i was devasted.....The funny thing is i met him through a guy on here who i saw a few times, he met me and liked me but then said he thought his friend would be hurt.... wtf he only wanted the one thing so i couldnt see it a prob but guess it was..... good learning experince!!!! i know i have to toughen up because most are doing this for the same reason.....yes its sooo hard because you cant change the way you are, but we all can fall hard. i have gained a great friend out of this he lives interstate and he is my rock he keeps me going....what we have is just sooo special the whole package. So like me we just have to not get attached and do as they do and have a great time and move on....good luck:)
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RHP User
14 years ago
Look at the people you're choosing, the outcomes you're experiencing are a direct result of these choices and the outcomes are yours alone. The answer is you don't stop having feelings, you choose to manage them and make better choices and decisions where they're concerned. You do this by working on yourself, your self worth, defining more about what and who you want, and by taking actions and speaking words congruent with that. Trying 'not' to feel is folly. You run the risk of serious emotional illness and disorder if you do. Doing so will only then take more time to repair over time, if in fact you do at all. I encourage you not to try and shut them off or stop, but to learn better strategies.
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RHP User
14 years ago
For 1/4 of a century, you sound rather closed to loving life I couldn't give a shit about you, but I believe OPs deserve some respect, which I have seen you not show any consideration for more than a few times How is your book coming along? We seem to all be here as 'monkey's for your amusement, don't you see it as a two way street? If you do not give in life Nick, you will never deserve to receive, nor know how to appreciate receiving from others. Hope you don't regret being so cynical... (given up feelings? WTF? Humans cannot give up feelings?!)
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RHP User
14 years ago
'friends with benefits' doesnt work......you will fall for him, but he will never fall for you............the problem is that you give away freely, what a man needs to work for...........if theres no effort, the end has no meaning...we will walk away every time....because it was easy. guys dont want just one FWB, they want 3 or 4 or more, and then, when nobody is looking.....someone who means something will come along and steal him away from you all....why? because she makes him wonder, she makes him imagine, she makes him work for it, and she makes him hers, by not giving in on the first date........happens all the time....happened to me...and I had known her since 1975, but never imagined she'd give me the time of day........let alone marry me...but she did. and i worked harder for it than i ever had in my entire adult life...........
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RHP User
14 years ago
Meggiesgirl, I understand what you are saying. I’ve tried to just play the single life but have struggled with not only those not wanting more from me, but those I not felt for. No one on this site is going to argue the benefits of sex and why we love it. Doubt many here would argue about the need for sex without wanting to have the complications of a relationship. I agree and support the concept fully, yet over time found that it simply is not me. I love meeting new people, I love sex and love just touching and feeling each other. I also love sitting on the couch together, going grocery shopping together and knowing that person is the same face I will see in the morning. I’ve struggled with some of the women that I have been with (yes through this site) only to say I not wanting to continue seeing them in a dedicated relationship. I’ve had the tears, I’ve had the numerous messages and I’ve had the it’s okay, let’s just go back to FWB, just ignore what I said about relationship. I don’t like hurting people emotionally and yet I have also learnt it only hurts more to try and keep the contact going if it is not what one of people does not want. I try to be open and honest about how I feel and let each individual make up their own mind. Did not work for me. I still felt bad when confronted with the upset. Reality, the casual relationship just is not me. I’m a relationship junkie, I love being in love just as much as the sexual side. The difficult part is finding the person where the same feelings, bonding relationship and sexual passion are equal for both. Sadly that human brain of ours is capable of caring for someone but not sexually stimulated, or sexual but not loving. The two together is not easy, but for me, adds that little something extra to the sexual side. I don’t know if I’ve made the right decisions. For me I just now join in the forums and chat. I’m not sending out messages everywhere or answering every contact. I’m focused more on the persons thoughts and feelings rather than just a certain look or a few flirty dirty messages. Like just about everything on this site, it keeps coming back to the individuals involved, and there are no rules. Go with what makes you feel best, go with what your deeper feelings and thoughts are. Perhaps the fact you are asking this question might be a good hint to how you really feel. I will suggest, having had repeat contact from some women pushing to keep meeting, and the tears, it does not change things. I've felt guilty, gone out a few more times, but in end, it just was not working. The question might not be how do you handle it, rather is it really what you want. Don’t forget it is pretty easy for guys to pretend they are not married (fine if that is what you want), so set the terms and conditions that you want, don’t take those not wanting to keep in contact as a negative reflection on you. The right combination chemically, mentally, physically is not always easy to find for everyone. Sex does not equal ‘love’. Understanding the difference between sex and ‘love’ certainly lead me to recognise I’m not just simply looking for sex. If I do join someone, or a couple etc, it is also very clear in my mind what we are there for and certain about everyone’s understanding, then it is purely fun. Does then get difficult if that ‘fun’ is so good you want more, but they don’t. Then it is back to basics, reminding yourself I went into this knowing it exactly what the situation was and there are plenty of other options sexually. I won’t go on about neurotransmitters and sex / bonding, but perhaps get a bit of understanding about the emotions and physical feelings might help you understand why not everyone feels the same way for each other, despite the sex aspect being compatible, or simply great. Definitely don’t take it as a reflection on you as a person. I asked a question in a separate forum about men being used for sex. The main comments related to the emotional side. Don’t let yourself be ‘used’. Only do what it is you really want. Keep the control, emotions and physical on your terms, timing, location etc. If the guy is keen for more than just a quick shag, and that is what you want, he’ll do the hard work and fit in with your terms. If not, perhaps there is a good clue as to where the connection with that person was going to end up. You are certainly not the only one who has been left in tears, I’ve chatted to a number of women who after separating from a long term relationship, grabbed the first offer they get and are left in tears after. Guilt, shame, you name it, blamed themselves etc. Remember it is okay for a women to want sex, enjoy sex, have casual relationships, just as much as it is okay for a woman to want love to want to be spoilt and share their life in more than just sex. All about you as an individual, what you want. (gee I go on when I start typing, this started as a short comment)
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RHP User
14 years ago
I have learnt over the years that if one goes into the silksheets for the delights men can offer then leave your heart on the shelf with your watch. Nick is right, fuck like a man. Just enjoy the ride and be selfish in desire that has worked well for me. I am there for myown selfish pleasure, the man can keep up or not. I know when the big O comes its dont let the door hit your bum on the way out. How many ladies wake up to guys that have pressing engagments or even just after they blow they blow. Thats life and sex is not a bait to get the guy to want to be with you at all. They are hunters they like the chase it keeps them busy. what makes me smile is they chase the hard to get girls and then when they are not happy with the wife they chase the easy to get girls all over again. Be the misterss its loads of fun, and be the mistress to more than one. if its relationships you want then look offline this is like a candy store full of sweet candy that soon melts in your mouth and is gone. But the best part, there is a never ending supply.
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RHP User
14 years ago
I'm not sure anyone else can provide this answer for you-this is something you have to work out for yourself... Some people can embrace their inner sociopath and listen happily to Huey Lewis and the News whilst they, lose their clothes, experience the little death (with an ever increasing body count in their wake) and leave not looking for more...and in my opinion-that's great as far as I'm concerned because that's who they genuinely are and we can't expect them to be anything other than themselves...provided they are honest about who they are and their intentions. It's exciting you're discovering who you really are...Some people never bother... I've heard some women due to the emotional pain and suffering, make a decision like Scarlett O'Hara at the site of a great smouldering mess (after so many others previously) of what could have been (in their minds something great), promising themselves "I'll never be hungry again"(for love), and therefore make the necessary changes that ensure they don't let the spooning turn to forking ever again unless there's an understanding that the cutlery on offer will be present for all future meals. IE accept it is difficult for them to cope when those feelings are not reciprocated or there is no emotional investment or commitment from their sexual partners. Therefore, they decide it's best to stop beating themselves up about it, boring their friends with the same old story and just accept that is merely one part of what makes them-themselves and attractive. Just like the colour of one's eyes. IE You can likely wear coloured contacts-but they're never really you are they? In my opinion, the most important thing to remember is not to compare yourself to others-or live the life you think you should to be popular or to attract a certain someone, live the life that's popular and desirable for you and the best people for you sexually or otherwise will not only come your way-they'll come looking for you. If you know what you want and what you are about you won't waste your time on entering into things you don't want whether it be commencing a NSA arrangement when you want more or commencing an involvement with someone that clearly wants more before you even exchange numbers or meet... You won't need to ask strangers as you will know the right answers for you. Be honest with yourself about what you really need and want, and what you won't accept so you can say with complete confidence... This is me, I like me, I'm here if you want it- it's like this, come get it or leave it. If you get that happening-the rest it really does take care of itself-and life becomes hassle free. Ms Kinkstreet
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RHP User
14 years ago
While I am no expert, I'd say we are all each to our own very different. Maybe take time out to yourself and think about what it is you are really after. I've read over your profile myself and imo, which is just that, an observational opinion, the way you have worded it would seem that you think more towards the single person side of things, rather then the multitudes. As far as anyone else that has negative comments not relating to topic, best to remember one thing.... Best to be thought an idiot and keep ones mouth shut, then open it and remove all doubt.Best of luck Meggiesgirl, I hope you work it all out
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RHP User
14 years ago
Unfortunately your feelings and emotions probably come from your childhood....Were you loved,did you feel loved or were you often seeking approval/love from your parents/siblings?.....If this rings a bell and its bothering you it may be helpful to see someone......Maybe you are on the wrong site, it seems most people here are just after sex,maybe you are after a proper relationship....good luck
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RHP User
14 years ago
FWB relationships are shallow by design. Feelings are the domain of a relationship.
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RHP User
14 years ago
look, i watched this interesting speach on the net, the other day.... when you have sex with someone, and you have a great orgazm, (or two...lol) your brain releases, amongst other things, endorphine....the HAPPY hormon....:) on top of that, if ithe night was any good, you would have also created an emotional bond with your partner, during play.... and so -it was said- it is very easy to fall for, or think you have fallen for, the source of your pleasures...:) so try to appreciate the fact, that all your pain and suffering could be due to nothing more, then hormons...:)
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'Nick_Wilde'Mood Stabilizers. hahha sorry to laugh......... that a typical guy response. I think this can happen if your missing something you need in your life.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'Nick_Wilde' As it stands FG, I do not hang around simply to make the monkeys laugh. If my comments appear cutting, and if you can't be bothered to read less than one line of text, then I weep for you. I am not here for the amusement of you, or anyone else for that matter. You ask a question, you get an answer. My sense of humour is about absent as your appreciation of my chameleonic nature so you're going to have to forgive me for not giving the vaguest hint of a shit. I'm sick and tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin rockstar from mars. If you honestly believe I should give away my A-material for free then you need a chopped up into little itty bitty pieces and fed to pig, Pickton style. Now, on topic... In relation to the OP's question, and personal swipes aside, ON TOPIC, I have since given up feelings. I have given up caring about trained monkeys like FG here... because its just too much effort. I have embraced my inner sociopath - and I love it. The easiest way to stop caring is to pull a Nike and just do it. Human beings are wired selfish, and the ones that aren't are purely masochistic. I concede, I have closed myself off by choice, as a matter of self preservation. Aside asking yourself ' what would jesus not do', my best advice is to start viewing sex like a guy. Start having sex like a guy. Who knows, you might even be relieved of the burden of your own hyper-sensitive emotionality. Me, bitter? Fuck no. I think its hilarious. LMAO!!!!! each to their own opinion i say............and true hear a lot of men say it on here just dont express it quite like mr wilde does.
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RHP User
14 years ago
If we all knew how to not fall...none of us would need catching and we would all be a happy lil crowd of satisfied chicks.I love being one of the boys, I drink smoke swear ride bikes fish shoot and get amongst all the boys activities and very happily leave the shopping and beauty parlours to the princesses............but when it comes to my heart and those pesky hormones unfortunately I'm all woman.I have had the same FWB for nearly 2yrs and have not ventured elsewhere (my choice not his demand).....am I in love with him? you bet your arse I am. will he ever be mine? Not a chance. In my case I have just accepted thats how I feel and the situation how it is. He is my best friend and the only living creature that makes me wet on sight every time never fails. Sure I have spent plenty of nights crying but the goods times far outweigh the bad.I guess what Im saying is you will fall u really don't have a choice if the person is right.......you can choose to walk away or choose to stay but your heart is never going to be ruled by your head. My head tells me I robbing myself of having an amazing relationship with and awesome bloke who would give me the world.....but for now my hearts happy so nothing for me is going to change until i'm dismissed
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RHP User
14 years ago
I really cant speak for all all chicks but in my experience we fall and no matter what your head tells you your heart will always rule your roost.I am happy being "one of the boys" I drink, smoke, swear,love blowing things up, riding bikes, shooting and generally running amuk with the boys. I like the leave the shopping and coffee dates to the princesses. But unfortunately when it comes to emotions and those pesky hormones I'm all woman.I have had the same fwb for nearly 2yrs now and I have not ventured away from him (my choice not his) I had no intention of even acquiring an fwb in the first place but thats just what happened. Do I love him? you bet your arse I do!! Will he ever be mine? I highly doubt it...... I have no choice how I feel but I do have a choice as to my situation. In my case I am choosing to let the situation stay as is. I have spent my fair share of nights crying myself to sleep over him and will probably spend loads more but he is my best friend and is the only creature alive that can make me wet on sight. My head tells me I am robbing myself of having a proper relationship with an awesome person thats willing to give me all but my heart is happy so I'll stay until Im dismissed.I guess what I'm saying is your gonna fall you just have to make an choice once that has happened and be happy with the choice you make.
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