RHP

RHP User

M47

From relationship to friend

March 15 2014

About a month or so ago my partner of 3 years broke off our relationship. It was something that was really not as much a surprise as we had been having intimacy issues, well more for me in the fact that I just don't "need" sexual contact on a regular basis. she is 8 years younger than I and in her 20's so not unreasonable to understand her concerns. ...now that's a separate issue unto itself. But she wanted to be friends when everything is all said and done. I just really couldn't feel I could do that, to take such a step down from the ladder to being just a platonic friend. I guess my question is does that even work for anybody? I'm sure she was all mentally prepared to be that but, I just couldn't do that. I couldn't even look at her in the same way again. And to perhaps see her with another bloke I think I would go ape. I'm dealing with the situation ok as we haven't spoken a word since, unfriended on facebook and all that jazz. but i'd go to biscuit crumbs if I saw her in the street. scared to leave the house on the off chance we would cross paths. just seems to be a selfish copout to want to maintain friendship after a relationship. Have I done the right thing? Is severing all emotional ties the best way to go or is she right in saying im not being an adult about it. fuck that my feelings are hurt. if I get handed a shit sandwich im not going to sit there and eat it in front of her so she can see me not enjoying it. im rambling and starting to lose the point but I guess I just want other viewpoints and venting feels good

Comments

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Tell her you're not ready to be friends yet and may not be ready for a very very long time, that things are too raw for you at the moment. She needs to respect your feelings in this, not everybody wants to be friends after a relationship break up. It's isn't the norm. If she pushes you on this, then she is the one being unfair. She broke up with you so she needs to accept all the consequences of that decision. In my opinion anyway. If someone I loved broke up with me, I would also delete them totally from my FB and I would avoid seeing them until I thought I was over them.

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    You are allowed to fell raw and hurt and all that stuff. that's natural its like you put your hand in the fire, and your not about to go shake hands with anyone. You will hurt like hell if you see her with a guy in the street, that's a given. Get out and leave the house, just try to avoid the places you went together. don't get into the RHP bandwagon and shag yourself stupid as that will not help either. Well maybe just one or two shags may help. I was married for 18 years, and he left me for someone else. I got divorced and for twelve years we lived apart but because of our kids, we did try to stay friends. So in the beginning we were just civil to each other, when we had to be together. we tended to avoid each other unless it was to be with the kids gradually though over time, we both realise that being together in that point of time was not the best and to split was the wise choice at the time. twelve years later, after we divorce we now live together again and are the best of friends. It was not just your sexual differences, it was more the fact like most things in life it was time to move on. Every river runs its course. and to be honest, if she was floating your boat, that sex drive would be different. just give yourself some time, to just enjoy your own company, and stay out of her path as best you can just tell her sure, we can remain friends but I want to just get some time to myself for a while. good luck, and time will be the only thing that can ease the pain you are going through. Plus I am sure a few women on RHP, would grab you and squish you into their ample boosums and say never mind petal.

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    It's my feeling that you meet people in your life for a reason . Whether you spend weeks , months or years with them , they have come into your life to teach you lessons . All lessons are positive (even though you may not be able to see that right now). All lessons assist with your personal growth . Growing can be painful yet it is inevitable . Remember why you got together in the first place . There was a mutual need and attraction . Honour that time and memory . I know the pain you're feeling now but that will pass . Your time of learning with that woman is over . She can not teach you much more of the lessons she has to share . Take the positives from that experience , get up off the floor , dust yourself off and keep walking down the path . It's time to continue your Journey . Always forwards never backwards. Keep Smiling ;) GG♒️ - Posted from rhpmobile

  • MsSuperFoxy

    MsSuperFoxy

    12 years ago

    You have done nothing wrong and the way you feel is OK. Things are really raw for you right now. You are what one would call a "Dumpee". Faaaaaark it can be a biatch at time.. I would do the same thing too, delete from FB and yes I have done that for my own sanity. I believe sometimes doing a clean break is a good thing. It helps to cleanse the soul and to work on ones self. Emotionally and spiritually it's a wise thing to do. There is nothing wrong with that. Break ups are one of the hardest things for me emotionally, but over time I need to do more of them. I've had several now and to me one of the most important things to do is give closure. If a respectable closure is given, then it does help to heal quicker. Healing does get better over time. Who knows sometimes down the track when ones emotions are healed them maybe you could be friends?? If she is happy with someone, why can't you be happy for her? Sounds like you still have strong emotions for her if you would go ape. You have to get to that acceptance stage before one can be friends I'm afraid. There are 5 stages one goes through after a break up, it's the same as "grief and loss". Work on yourself in the mean time OP. Foxy XX

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    appreciate the views. I'm definitely not about to go shagging my way across the countryside. Rather I feel guilty for even thinking of doing it because I feel im betraying her even though she has left me. "moving on" is something that just seems to get harder and harder, with every failed relationship I trust less and less and find it so much more difficult to love. Getting to the stage where I feel like I want to give up. That it is all just fairytale bullshit. I find it so much more difficult because I have an introverted personality coupled with social anxiety. best of british luck finding another person who wants to deal with that aspect of myself. I am not anti social, I do not dislike people or don't want to talk to them its just I literally can't, I fear them and it's all just safer to go hide than face them. conversation for me is an effort unless its something that I have intimate knowledge of and then I can talk for ages. ....another huge reason why she left. but anyway I appreciate the words. I am ok, as good as I can be. Road ahead is just foggy and uncertain

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Lots of people with lots of opinions about your life :) Be careful what you listen to - it is after all YOUR life, for you to navigate. Most times I prefer not to give people direct advice but rather share my experience, knowing that the reader might find something of value in it, or equally might not. That's up to you :) So ... a little of my experience. I was married to a man for 10 years who had no interest in sex. It nearly broke me until eventually I realised I was entitled to a sexual relationship as well as an emotional one. We finally separated but because of the love we share we committed to staying close friends. We've worked very hard at that and I'm proud to say we're great friends these days, after a number of years. So yes, it's absolutely doable. Another relationship ended suddenly, for reasons other than sex. That man has refused any contact at all since the day our relationship ended. It was, and if I'm honest, continues to be, traumatic for me. While I don't know why he refused contact, it's occurred to me that, like you, maybe it was too raw for him. In the end his reasons are not my business because like others have said, we're all entitled to do what we need to do for out sanity and well being, even if that means cutting off contact with someone. So yes, that's a viable option to, if you think it's right for you :) I found it very hard to make good decisions in the period just after my relationships ended. They were significant, intense, beautiful, loving relationships and in particular the end of the second one was incredibly hard for me. My judgment was off for a long time and I honestly couldn't do much more than just put one foot in front of the other. I did what I needed to do at the time, and knew that when I felt better and stronger I might be able to do something else, cope in a different way, reconnect, let go, or whatever felt right at that time. Maybe you don't have to make a permanent decision right now. Maybe it's OK to just do what's right for you, right now. I love Meeka's point about telling her. You don't need your ex-partner's permission to cut ties but there's a lot of power in being clear and direct in telling her what you need and what you're going to do, and what you expect from her. All the very best xxx - Posted from rhpmobile

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Your comment "and to be honest, if she was floating your boat, that sex drive would be different" is wrong and unfair. That might be true for some relationships but it's certainly not true for all. And the OP clearly said he doesn't have the same sexual needs as his partner. Being with a partner who has no sexual interest in you can be devastating. For me, for 10 years, I blamed myself. I concluded that I was ugly and a horrible person. As years and years of attempts to talk about it and push him to change failed, I shut down physically and emotionally and convinced myself I was unworthy and unloveable. I was young, had no prior experience that not all men want to fuck like rabbits, and I was certain the problem was me. It wasn't me. Years later as a single man he still has no real interest in sex. A few flings here and there but no real drive at all. Despite the fact that he's very masculine, fit, and rather gorgeous. I can't explain his lack of libido and neither can he, though given he doesn't like to kiss anyone or touch anyone really, and has some other physical aversions, I'm starting to get an inkling. So it wasn't me. But it did damage that I'm not sure I'll ever fully repair. My assumption is always that men won't find me attractive. I can't look men I don't know in the eye because I 'know' they won't see me. I'm hyper-sensitive to anything that feels like rejection and withdrawal of love, and while I manage that internally and privately most of the time, sometimes it leaks into new relationship and causes havoc. And so much more. And no matter how rational and logical and sensible I am about the truth of who I am and what I have to offer, this emotional wound runs really deep and healing is painfully slow. I know how to heal and let go and move on and all that jazz, but it doesn't make it easier or quicker. And then there's the impact on my ex-husband. He's lived for years and years with a sense that he's not good enough and somehow broken as a man because he doesn't really care about sex. I added to that with all the years I begged, cried, bitched and carried on, trying to get his attention on the issue. To suggest that all he needs/needed was to be with someone more attractive to him insults both of us. He's a very attractive man who has no trouble getting the attention of very attractive women. He's simply not interested and I promise you that's troubled him and eaten him up inside time and time again. I realise your comment was a small thing in a big post but it struck me that it's exactly those kinds of inconsiderate comments that can contribute to people blaming themselves, and even hating themselves, more than they already do. Yes, a very personal thing for me, and perhaps not something that anyone else has experienced or cares about, but I care a lot and felt the need to point out that I think it was a short-sighted comment about an often complex and painful situation. - Posted from rhpmobile

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    You need timeSometimes maintaining a friendship after a relationship is harder work than the relationship itself ever was. Especially if one still wants more than the other.Because you didn't choose to end the relationship you need to take time to heal and maybe come to see her in a different way. If she cant understand this and give you the space and time you need then that's not a good way to start a friendship. By pushing you to go straight to friendship mode it is in a way relieving her guilt which to me is a very selfish act.

  • Lovinit28andKC72

    Lovinit28andKC72

    12 years ago

    I think it's the best way to deal with it at the moment, whilst it all so raw, your emotions, your heart, your needs and your self preservation...... Break ups can be totally gut wrenching, heart breaking, mind fucking and you just have to deal with it the best way you can. So if it easier for you to do that, then there is nothing wrong with it. That's exactly how I would deal with it too, just for my own mental health...... Good luck.......💋

  • gazpacho

    gazpacho

    12 years ago

    You just need to do what feels comfortable for you. If you're going to turn green wondering who she has been fucking every time you see her and feeling relief when she says she has not rooted anyone, then I guess you'd be a lousy friend. If you recognise that in yourself, do her a favour. Hugs Gazpacho

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    May I suggest that you seek an excellent counsellor.....when this happened to me 'an amazing counsellor helped me put myself back together again....that was nearly thirty years ago and I till use the tools he gave.Sometimes seeking support from family and friends is not enough.....as another introvert I understand how not reaching out to anyone may also seem like the safest option......but in my experience I really needed someone else to help my out of my pit of despair...... Another thing I can highly recommend is meditation,find a local group and learn the bid techniques,it is perfect for the introvert.........Of course it is OK to not be friends with your ex,I think her response to you shows a decided lack of empathy and maturity......you need to look after you.....do what seems right for you.....it may take time,baby steps even but one day you will wake up and the pain will have lessened.... Hugs Q

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    my experience in my marriage absolutely mirrored yours....thank you for sharing that xx Q

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    I am on the opposite side here. I left my ex of 20 years and I also want to remain friends. I know given time he'll come round but understand he needs his space to recover from the hurt I dished out. Just because a relationship fails doesn't mean a friendship can't take it's place eventually. You never know until you try. - Posted from rhpmobile

  • MsSuperFoxy

    MsSuperFoxy

    12 years ago

    A total introvert here, so I totally understand you OP. I agree with "Q". When ever I have break ups all I want to do is revert to myself, and wello in myself, cry in my bed for days cause that is where I feel safest the most. When I know the time is ready, I come out of my cave (may take me days or even a week depends) that is when I reach out to friends/family. Everyone is different when it comes to break ups, we all do silly things when we can't think straight. People grieve differently, no two break ups are the same, no one can say how long it will take. I think personally looking at a breakup in a positive light really helps, well it does for me. When I get to acceptance, and I thank that person for being in my life for that journey and I am happy for them, that is a sign to me, I have healed. They will always be special to me, no matter what! I have a piece of them and they have a piece of me. As wise woman said to me...."get yourself a pretty little box, place the relationship in there, and tie a beautiful pretty ribbon around it and put it in a safe pace." That has always worked for me. Foxy

  • MsSuperFoxy

    MsSuperFoxy

    12 years ago

    Guilt is a stage of Grief and Loss...it's quite OK to feel that and it's quite normal. :) Foxy

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    That's very kind, thank you x - Posted from rhpmobile

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Only if you both, despite thinking the world of each other, fall out of love. And it would have to be at the same time, which is very rare in my opinion. It has worked for me with one ex-boyfriend. I suspect the fact that he moved to Ireland straight after made being friends easier for both of us though.

  • On_Safari

    On_Safari

    12 years ago

    I felt a similar worthlessness in a bad relationship because he was having an affair with my younger, hotter (back then) best friend and although he didn't want me he didn't want anyone else to have me either. Sex became a weapon in that relationship, witholding it from me or getting me so worked up to a point then walking away leaving me unfulfilled and wanking himself to orgasm. There was alot more to it butit was still nonetheless cruel and ekrments pf that still linger even whisperingly in the anals of my mind. OP tell her you'd like to remain friends eventually but need your space right now. The fact you are introverted and hesitant to welcome orhers into your life is something only you can work on. Everyone thinks I'm confident but it's anazing what bluff, bravado and fighting your own fears can make you do. Set yourself small challenges and goals and reward yourself for attempting them even if they don't pan out the way you'd hoped.....you never know if you don't have a go. I've dined alone in my old hometown's flashest restaurant, been to the movies by myself and just randomly started chatting with a group of men on a night out. Something most think I do all the time. It's ok being introverted it's up to you how much you're going to allow yourself to miss out on by allowing the anxiety to rule you. I have a sister who suffers terribly, to the point of panic attacks in ceowds, passsing out and vommiting BUT she still tests herself and is learning to push through her fear and anxiety, she been overseas a few times on group tours and makes herself to other stuff she'd rather not.....She's 51.....and living each day as it comes.

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    When the relationship finishes (and there are no kids involved) then it is totally up to you if you want to maintain contact or not. When your talking about it, it doesn't have to come across as hurtfull just say that you need some time without contact to get over things and not ruling out contact again in the future once things are sorted. As for her being with other guys, you mentioned that you have mismatched sex drives so of course she is going to be with other partners just like you will have other partners. You have no right to expect her to be celibate for the rest of her life so it is something that you are just going to have to accept and in time move on from. Cheers, W.

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    meeting from the past always stirs up past emotions....good,bad, all over the spectrum. My opinion is let her go, making a friendship sounds like being friendly to a co worker that makes work a strain in the workplace.

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Quoting 'arkangel1978' appreciate the views. I'm definitely not about to go shagging my way across the countryside. Rather I feel guilty for even thinking of doing it because I feel im betraying her even though she has left me. "moving on" is something that just seems to get harder and harder, with every failed relationship I trust less and less and find it so much more difficult to love. Getting to the stage where I feel like I want to give up. That it is all just fairytale bullshit. I find it so much more difficult because I have an introverted personality coupled with social anxiety. best of british luck finding another person who wants to deal with that aspect of myself. I am not anti social, I do not dislike people or don't want to talk to them its just I literally can't, I fear them and it's all just safer to go hide than face them. conversation for me is an effort unless its something that I have intimate knowledge of and then I can talk for ages. ....another huge reason why she left. but anyway I appreciate the words. I am ok, as good as I can be. Road ahead is just foggy and uncertain there are lots of people like you around. Some get anxiety and that goes on to social anxiety then to not being able to leave the house. I think that your issues are a problem for you, in that you are living a half life in many ways. we all have our personality and our ways and yes at times being either introverted or extra verted can impact on your life.go talk to a professional, sometimes we all need help when a relationship is broken, but you issues seem to be even before the relationship and in previous ones. So it has to tell you something, that you need help, if you want it of course. and the fairy tale is just that a fairy tale, life is not like we all expect it to be, but it sure is nice to watch on the tvhas anyone seen that thing about strangers kissing? I have watched that a hundred times, its so delightful and if only life were like that, but its not. at least you can talk on here, you will find it hard to get intimate with another woman, until you disengage from that woman . There is nothing worse than being with someone and wishing the hell you had not got naked with them, and looking at a way to run out the door. its not good for you and its not good for that woman, her self esteem will take a knock for sure. we are all just know it all on this thing, so best to go get help from a counsellor, its a good thing to do and it does help so long as you keep at it for a while.

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Quoting 'lilmiss_fussy' Your comment "and to be honest, if she was floating your boat, that sex drive would be different" is wrong and unfair. That might be true for some relationships but it's certainly not true for all. And the OP clearly said he doesn't have the same sexual needs as his partner. Being with a partner who has no sexual interest in you can be devastating. For me, for 10 years, I blamed myself. I concluded that I was ugly and a horrible person. As years and years of attempts to talk about it and push him to change failed, I shut down physically and emotionally and convinced myself I was unworthy and unloveable. I was young, had no prior experience that not all men want to fuck like rabbits, and I was certain the problem was me. It wasn't me. Years later as a single man he still has no real interest in sex. A few flings here and there but no real drive at all. Despite the fact that he's very masculine, fit, and rather gorgeous. I can't explain his lack of libido and neither can he, though given he doesn't like to kiss anyone or touch anyone really, and has some other physical aversions, I'm starting to get an inkling. So it wasn't me. But it did damage that I'm not sure I'll ever fully repair. My assumption is always that men won't find me attractive. I can't look men I don't know in the eye because I 'know' they won't see me. I'm hyper-sensitive to anything that feels like rejection and withdrawal of love, and while I manage that internally and privately most of the time, sometimes it leaks into new relationship and causes havoc. And so much more. And no matter how rational and logical and sensible I am about the truth of who I am and what I have to offer, this emotional wound runs really deep and healing is painfully slow. I know how to heal and let go and move on and all that jazz, but it doesn't make it easier or quicker. And then there's the impact on my ex-husband. He's lived for years and years with a sense that he's not good enough and somehow broken as a man because he doesn't really care about sex. I added to that with all the years I begged, cried, bitched and carried on, trying to get his attention on the issue. To suggest that all he needs/needed was to be with someone more attractive to him insults both of us. He's a very attractive man who has no trouble getting the attention of very attractive women. He's simply not interested and I promise you that's troubled him and eaten him up inside time and time again. I realise your comment was a small thing in a big post but it struck me that it's exactly those kinds of inconsiderate comments that can contribute to people blaming themselves, and even hating themselves, more than they already do. Yes, a very personal thing for me, and perhaps not something that anyone else has experienced or cares about, but I care a lot and felt the need to point out that I think it was a short-sighted comment about an often complex and painful situation. - Posted from rhpmobile directed at you. Your situation I had no idea of when I wrote that post. He did say he had intimacy issues , with this particular woman. I have no idea if his issues are like your x partners. I have no insider knowledge of your situation so the insult you felt had nothing to do with me. I have known people in your situation and in those cases the man had either health issues, had women on the side, was gay or like you said was not interested in sex. I have also found that some people have mental health issues, and the medications they are on can impact. Yes my words were assumptions, but that's what we all do here we make assumptions on the snippets, of information that people give us. I am not omnipotent, where I can look down from some great height and know what's going on in everybody's life, past or present and thein find you and insult you? Looks like if we make a comment here, we are at risk of driving people into a deep hole. considering my work and qualifications, if you knew me you would find that its not my nature to attack anyone regarding sexual and relationship issues. I will however be very careful in the future what I say, considering the hurt I have inadvertently inflicted on you.

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    yes, I actually had started to see a psychologist in order to help myself and to repair the relationship. just seems like it has been a waste of time because it all went to shit anyway. But im going to continue going back, with or without her I shouldn't be afraid of living. I agree, I am not living it too the full, to quote my ex herself. I have no spark, no excitement. im boring.

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Think I just fell in love with your mind. Quoting 'MisterGreen' It's my feeling that you meet people in your life for a reason . Whether you spend weeks , months or years with them , they have come into your life to teach you lessons . All lessons are positive (even though you may not be able to see that right now). All lessons assist with your personal growth . Growing can be painful yet it is inevitable . Remember why you got together in the first place . There was a mutual need and attraction . Honour that time and memory . I know the pain you're feeling now but that will pass . Your time of learning with that woman is over . She can not teach you much more of the lessons she has to share . Take the positives from that experience , get up off the floor , dust yourself off and keep walking down the path . It's time to continue your Journey . Always forwards never backwards. Keep Smiling ;) GG♒️ - Posted from rhpmobile

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    You made an absolute, definitive statement, and whether you intended it or not, it read as though your explanation was the only explanation for the situation the OP was in. I didn't feel personally attacked by your comment and didn't suggest otherwise. I felt strongly that your comment was inappropriate, and in fact completely incorrect, based on my own experience. But ... I told my story to offer insight, not to gain sympathy. I wasn't personally hurt or insulted by what you said but I view it as an insulting comment, because it trivialised the whole situation and implied there was something wrong with the woman (not attractive enough) and nothing wrong with the man that a more attractive woman couldn't fix. More generally ... (not specific to your post tuscan) I DO believe we all need to be careful with words, here and in life at large. Words affect people, they influence people and they can harm people. I ALSO believe it's mostly irresponsible to make absolute and definitive statements about someone else's life or situation, or to tell anyone else what to do to handle a tricky situation. It's one thing to say 'you could perhaps', or 'have you thought about' or 'maybe' etc. It's altogether different to say 'do this', 'don't do that', or 'you should' or 'shouldn't'. I usually wince whenever people say these things. When offering advice, should is a powerful, negative word. Could, on the other hand, is a powerful, positive word. I get that other people might not feel as strongly about these things that I do, and I'm OK with that :) It won't stop me having my say when I think it's important.

  • MsSuperFoxy

    MsSuperFoxy

    12 years ago

    Shall I put on the black kettle and make a cup of tea? Foxy

  • MsSuperFoxy

    MsSuperFoxy

    12 years ago

    yes it is possible OP....I am friends to this very day with my high school sweetheart. Why not? He's very special to me and I am special to him, we make it possible. It's just an unspoken thing we have between us, it works. We will always have that friendship, it's 26yrs long. Foxy

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Quoting 'arkangel1978' yes, I actually had started to see a psychologist in order to help myself and to repair the relationship. just seems like it has been a waste of time because it all went to shit anyway. But im going to continue going back, with or without her I shouldn't be afraid of living. I agree, I am not living it too the full, to quote my ex herself. I have no spark, no excitement. im boring. I think it is great that you want to sort out any issues you might have. But please don't put yourself down like that. I personally think we are all boring to someone, and we are all exciting to someone else. The thing is to find the right person for you, the right fit so to speak, a person that thinks you are wonderful. They are out there. You aren't alone here arkangel. xx

  • On_Safari

    On_Safari

    12 years ago

    Don't own the boring thing OP you can be whatever you want to be......your future is all in your hsnds to create or destroy.....i know this because I am thr crstor of my own destiny.....no one is going to save us but ourselves hun. Go get 'em tiger!!! 😉

  • madotara69

    madotara69

    12 years ago

    Time for you to seek out your best mate, he will know how to distract the attentions, help see you through it all. You probably aren't thinking too straight, right at the moment, he will be. Mado Mado Tara xx

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Try go see a Nlp practitioner they can help you get a better perspective of your feelings and help you untangle your thoughts. They can help you identify why you feel introvert and possibly lack confidence , have seen massive results with stuff like this in getting clarity on your feelings and moving forward. - Posted from rhpmobile

  • Cheekyarses

    Cheekyarses

    12 years ago

    Mister Green - I agree totally with you on this topic.. people come into your life for - a reason, a season or a lifetime. Sometimes it will end abrutly and you wont understand why at first, other times it will end on good terms. some people can remain friends afterwards and some cant... Everyone is different and you need to do what is best for you and not what is best for everyone else around you. You are the only one who knows exactly how you are feeling and as someone else stated - dont use RHP as a fuck fest.... Sex with others doesnt take away the connection you had with other another person. But dont hide yourself away. take this time and enjoy it....

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    I have always prided myself on remaining good friends with ex's. I even tolerate my ex wife and she's a piece of work. But my last partner was different. Although I was the one to end the relationship. I felt very similar to you. We stated we would remain good friends blah blah. I tried but I couldn't, I was angry and hurt but couldn't work out why. I knew it was over, I defiantly didn't want to be with her. I genuinely wished her well. So why was I messed up. It dawned on me while we were having lunch together as a "friend date". A voice in my head said "I don't really like this person". It was like a light bulb switching on. Although I did love her at some point I really had no interest in being her friend. She was deceitful, self centred, cheating and cowardly, not really quality's I look for in a friend. My anger was actually directed at myself. My brain was telling me " WHY THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH THIS PERSON!". Truth was I didn't, I couldn't see any plus side to remaining friends. I was like what's in it for me? The answer was nothing. I may be reading between the lines but it seems your ex is pretty good at telling you what your problems are "intimacy issues, introverted, social anxiety". I only say that because you say these are the reasons she left. So I'm assuming she told you that. There was a good thread here called " masochistic equilibrium" I reckon you should Google it if the tread is gone, a low sex drive and being introverted are not necessarily a bad quality in a person but low self esteem and self loathing are.Unless you deal with it you will keep attracting the wrong people. One of my favourite sayings goes " Before you diagnose yourself with depression, anxiety and low self esteem be sure you're not surrounding yourself with assholes"

  • Cheekyarses

    Cheekyarses

    12 years ago

    Gavmac - the quote you wrote at the end of your reply to this post 'before you diagnos yourself with depression, anxiety & low self esteem, make sure you not just infact surrounded by arseholes' this is gold n I often read this quote! Plus your reply to this post is so good, I must agree with you on a lot of things

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    I agree with Cheeky. Great post! - Posted from rhpmobile