F39
Feelings
November 23 2023
I have had fair too many catch feelings while in a sexual relationship and all have been different situations and experience. Some run, some confused and some stay and sort it out and continue as it was. What have you done?
Comments
RHP User
5 months ago
I’ve had two directly ask if I would consider leaving Abi for them. One such time, the girl in question had a humiliation fetish so Abs and I asked her (after I had said no to her and explained we should stop seeing one another) if she would come over and let us play out a scene where Abs berates her for thinking she could ever be good enough to take me from her.
It turned out to be fun and edgy. But we all got we wanted from it and that ended things for good. She (other girl) did enjoy it and it really gave a solid insight into how humiliation kinks can manifest.
MsSuperFoxy
5 months ago
From my own personal experiences, it fucks with your head.
Of course continous sleeping and spending time with someone, women do get more emotional, where men don't.
So, it is best to make expectations very clear at the beginning and best to that uncomfortable conversation if one person gets the feels. Therefore people know exactly where they stand.
IMO: Putting labels on relationships just adds more pressures. Sometimes, people don't allow room for when things change or they don't want to take that step further to be in a committed couple relationships. Therefore that's why they label. FWB, ONS etc = short term sex only unless a conversation has happened.
If you've got feelings, they don't feel the same way, move on.
Ms Foxy
fun2behere
5 months ago
oh yeah. We are human after all. My advice is to let it go and stick to just being friends.
One FWB pulled me aside at a party and said, I know this is crazy but I just had a jealous rage when I was watching you with that woman. We ended up dropping out of the scene as a couple and still are normal friends years later. She called for a catchup chat just yesterday morning. Another tricky one was a former FWB, also still a friend, called me to say she found out her BF was cheating on her. There was a distinct sense she was looking for a rebound. I thought it best we just stayed friends
EarthQueen
5 months ago
Being active on Red Hot Pie taught me I am shit at doing FWB . After my last break up I read the book Attached and realised I've got an anxious attachment style. FWB does my head in.
This is how my brain works ( and I realise not everyone is like this.) Apart from only having one night stands , if you are having an ongoing sexual relationship with someone you like, I feel its human nature to catch feelings or feelings become part of it. How can it not? Any time you are spending time with a person a type of a relationship starts and emotions begin. Personally, I can't seperate them so I don't do friends with benefits anymore. It might be different if you are a couple , but as a single person who craves intimacy I feel that the experience of having FWB has taught me its not really that good for me emotionally. It creates a feeling of emptiness. Then , if I don't have any feelings for a person the sex isn't usually that great and I lose interest. It took me a while to work this out. I'm not opposed to casual encounters if they came up spontaneously I'm just much more careful now because I get a come down that sucks. It's like taking a drug. I wish I could just return to the days of carefree fucking but that part of me has changed. It's kind of boring, but also probably healthier for me. I've been celibate since my break up in January so my current answer is not have sex. I miss sex though and am working on the attachment issues.
Interested to see other peoples answers on this one.
countrytouch82
5 months ago
For me, there's only two situations (regular ongoing FWB) where such feelings could have applied or arisen. The first was a six month FWB with a lovely single woman in Melbourne in 2015. The second is seeing someone long term as part of a married couple (ie always together).
For the first, while we did dating type hangouts, concerts, many overnights and a road trip, one thing was missing: being a publicly known part of each other's lives. That is, we didn't meet each other's friends, families etc. I've found that for me, this was very important. I catch feelings when our lives intertwine, not just our bodies*. This situation was much different from when, in the previous year 2014, I had a six month girlfriend. Our lives were intertwined from the outset, and I/we caught big feelings. Same time frame, similar regularity of intimacy, similar dating outings, in both situations even our dogs got along, but much different level of emotional entanglement so to speak.
Same goes for the couple. Of course there's the obvious barrier of the other not being single. Yes there are still mutual feelings, but still the big invisible barrier of the seperation of our personal lives, means that I don't fall*. Recently when I did the attachment style test it came up with the secure style, even maybe with some outliers on some questions. I don't know if such questionnaires mean a lot; I read it as a first general starter's guide into one's self only.
* Only a very limited data set available so not very scientific assessment for my part.RHP User
5 months ago
Some different answers there. Personally I can seperate emotions, feelings from any kind of relationship. I value my single life and independence to much and keep the blinkers on! And being in open relationships in the past has helped me able to seperate the both, however my biggest downfall is feeling sorry and being empathetic. I have had several FWB relationships that have been ongoing, with the longest being 3 years. I feel that boundaries, trust and being open with both being mutual and on the right page maintains a very healthy fwb, play mate relationship.
If one individual isn't on the same page it's just a big mess and makes it so hard for the other to know what's going on which does affect one emotionally, mentally, even sexually and physically.
CrouchingTiger
5 months ago
Anyone who doesn't develop feelings for their FWB is a worry. It's a hollow 'relationship', arrangement, or whatever you want to call it, if it's just about relieving yourself in a hole. That doesn't mean the situation needs to change, it just makes it even better from my experience.
Felicitous
5 months ago
I think it's very situational.
Depends on both parties, their personalities, preferences and good old fashioned chemistry and compatibility.
I think personally, if I'm connecting regularly with someone, if I'm expanded and inspired by them emotionally and mentally, not simply physically, then feelings will definitely develop if there's mutual chemistry.
My previous FWB scenario, because of this beginning, (both sides) he ended things. That was a clear boundary for him as a single male I guess.
My current, feelings are being allowed to develop and it is the most deliciously special thing.
It exists and is flourishing in its own space... Doesn't detract from my primary relationship (if anything adds to it)
I think it's kind of sad we 'stop' ourselves allowing this ... I understand when in the case of self preservation though, of course.
It's made me re-evaluate other types of connections... for example I have no desire now (at the moment anyway) to meet for a purely sexual encounter.
In short I'm all for feelings...
If one has the capacity to love without the need for ownership and enjoy every moment together (and apart) then it's a whole other level of intoxicatingly wonderful 🥰
Mrs_Deep_Love
5 months ago
I have never accidentally caught feelings for anyone. Because I know myself and know I catch feelings. The depth varies.
OneLickOne
5 months ago
I had FWB arrangement for 10 years, our personal lives where very much in the communication mix at times, the level of communication with exposed content of our family got a little too opinionated and negative which damaged our FWB relationship, mostly from her used words like I hate your daughter you spoil her and spend far too much time running around after her and baby sitting grand daughter, that was pushing personal a opinion way to far for me you can think that but never disclose to you FWB she elected to open her mouth. So what's FWB without connection for me just wham bam sex, take the communication level to openness and sharing and enjoy the companion relationship it's the best but have boundaries, live life with GFW
RHP User
5 months ago
My longest fwb relationship was sex only and stuck to our boundaries. Both of us single, very independent and enjoyed our own lifes away from the fwb relationship. Feelings were acknowledged and boundaries put in place, we knew we were there for the sex and what experiences we wanted from it. Kept open communication and trust with what we wanted and didn't want regularly and didnt get in to deep into each others lives. Was amazing. Only ended as I moved interstate and he received contact back from his ex and decided to rekindle there to do right by his young children. Could have continued long distance catchup, but I gave him the space and respected what he wanted being with his children. The ones I find most challenging and confusing are the attached Individuals. Not wanting to elaborate to much on this one as I know everyone isn't the same. I learnt my lesson there and won't make the same mistake twice. Will only meet no more than once or twice with attached Individuals, too complicated.
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