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Erectile dysfunction (looooong post)

January 10 2014

An article by Michael J Russer Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is the best thing to happen to me and my intimacy. There, I said it. Actually, I say it a lot. On radio, TV, print, online and occasionally gatherings (it’s a great way to quiet a room down if things get rowdy). If some guy had made the same claim to me just two years ago, I would have thought he was either insane or just messing with me. Being fully impotent (i.e. can’t get it up to save my life, even with the pills) is not something most men would be willing to discuss. Or for that matter, even comfortable listening to men talk about. The way some men react, you would think that my “condition” is contagious. However, my impotence is just a context, a gateway if you will, to discoveries about extraordinary intimacy that I would have never experienced on my own otherwise. It served as the most unlikely of shepherds guiding my female partner and me to levels of emotional and physical intimacy most normally functioning couples can barely imagine. In order to fully appreciate how we arrived at such a blissful place, it helps to see the state I was in prior to this unlikely transformation. In September of 2011, I ended a 26 year marriage where the last eleven years were essentially celibate. It was your typical baby-boomer “let’s stay together for the kids’ sake” relationship. Two months after the separation I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Given that five out of five other members of my immediate family with cancer died from it, I wasn’t about to take any chances. My prostate was surgically removed that December. Despite the successful surgery, my PSA continued to climb (not a good sign). So, just to make sure, I went through seven weeks of daily intensive follow up radiation treatments. My impotence was the result of one of these treatment modalities and is not an uncommon side effect for prostate cancer treatment. Sadly, many men die each year from prostate cancer because they avoided getting checked, mostly out of fear of losing their “manhood.” Let me make something very clear right now. I may not be able to get it up but I am fully alive and have absolutely no problem getting it on. The irony of being fully impotent immediately after legally and morally clearing the way for new sexual experiences was not lost on me. In addition to going through the four stages of loss related to being diagnosed with prostate cancer, I had to go through the same four stages all over again with respect to my flaccidity. The first stage is disbelief. I distinctly remember looking up at the heavens and shouting “You have GOT to be fucking kidding me!!” The next stage is anger, and I had plenty of that (mostly aimed at myself for being so shut down all those years). Then came a bit of depression and finally, acceptance (the most important stage). I no longer fought reality, which opened me up to unimaginable possibilities of intimacy. About nine months following my surgery, I met the wonderful woman who is now my life mate. Given that I hadn’t been with another woman for nearly thirty years (and of course, with my “condition”) I wanted to start out slow, first as friends and hiking buddies and see what might arise (metaphorically speaking). However, it soon became clear that we were both open to the next step. With my acceptance, I was determined to be completely open, transparent and vulnerable about my inability to get hard. So sitting on the couch one fall afternoon, looking intently into her gorgeous eyes, I explained my condition and asked: “Are you willing to explore other ways of being intimate with me?” At that point, some women would have looked at their left wrist (whether sporting a watch or not) and said, “Oh my! Look at the time!” Not this incredibly conscious, beautiful woman. Her response was “Yes, of course.” Now I could write a book (and in fact I am) about what we subsequently discovered and how we discovered it. Perhaps my biggest revelation however is that my ED ended up being the biggest gift to my intimate life I could possibly imagine. I have to say that even today it is sometimes still difficult for me to believe this could actually be possible. It turns out my ED gave me the opportunity to slow down as a lover and really focus on my partner instead of taking care of my hard-on. Making love has become an exquisite process, not a goal. And it has allowed me to match my partner’s sexual response profile so closely that we each have mind-blowing intimate experiences every time. 2-4 hour love-making sessions with my partner climaxing a minimum of five times and occasionally more each session are, believe it or not, the norm. And no, she is not some sort of Sex Goddess. In fact, she is fully postmenopausal and has never experienced anything remotely like this prior. Nor have I. And keep in mind, all this happens with me being completely flaccid. Research has shown that most women are not satisfied with their intimate encounters, despite what our male egos tell us. Just about the time most of us issue our last grunt and roll over to go to sleep, women are just getting warmed up. In fact, one university study has shown that 87% of women reported using vocalizations (i.e. moaning) to boost their man’s self-esteem and speed things up. I am not making this up nor trying to make guys feel bad. It’s just that men and women are wired very differently with respect to sexual response. As a result of all this, I have made the choice to define my manhood not by the size or stiffness of my penis, but instead on how well I can deeply connect with and please my partner in a context of true emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy. And from that perspective, it really doesn’t matter to me or my partner if I ever get hard again. Never in my life have I felt more as a man with respect to my relationship with women than I do now. Because I am unable to get hard, no matter how turned on I become, I no longer have that overwhelming urge to “use it” as typically happened prior to ED. Essentially, it short-circuited my usual male wiring. The biological imperative that arises with an erection is an incredibly powerful thing. When we’re hard, we’re ready, willing and able—right now. That’s great for making babies and propagation of the species, not necessarily for fostering deep intimacy with our partners. This is how it happened for me and it may or may not resonate with you. Either way, I totally respect and honor that. My deepest belief and mission is that exquisite emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy is available to every man and woman who is open to receiving it. And my sincerest hope for the men reading this is that you don’t have to lose your manhood to discover it like I did.

Comments

MissBishere

12 years ago

thoroughly enjoyed reading this, what an inspiration!show's yet again that size really doesn't matter Found this part particularly resonated with me Research has shown that most women are not satisfied with their intimate encounters, despite what our male egos tell us. Just about the time most of us issue our last grunt and roll over to go to sleep, women are just getting warmed up. In fact, one university study has shown that 87% of women reported using vocalizations (i.e. moaning) to boost their man’s self-esteem and speed things up. Great post!

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RHP User

12 years ago

This is sad but so inspirational. What an amazing man! It just goes to show that instead of whinging we just need to pick ourselves up and get on with life. This will definitely make me focus less on what I haven't got and more on what life gives me and has to offer. Thank you for posting this, it's just what I needed 👍👍👍👍

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RHP User

12 years ago

A bit of a reality check and there's a few lessons in there for everyone.

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RHP User

12 years ago

Thank you OP for posting this wonderful piece. What a lovely man. Sounds like he has discovered the tantric side to his love making. Truely an awesome read. SF

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RHP User

12 years ago

That was an intense read and very open something us blokes have a lot of trouble with!! There would not be one man out there that does not have erectile disfunction in the back of there mind ?? And thats where they want to keep it in the back haha , its in my mind and as i do not have a problem with it now , i must say it is in my mind from a number of times when i drank probably! Definitely too much yeah drunk ! Its not only your mind and body that cant stand up !!! Your cock as well !!! And when your young its embarrassing , so what do you do ? Make the changes , i personally stopped drinking to get drunk for a start , and have been to the doctors more than i ever would and now being ahhhmmm over 40!! It is a must for us blokes to get in there and grab your balls lift em high before you fucken lose the lot!!! Not only disfunctional because you may be stiff but fucken dead dont count buddy !!! Hey im straight as a board! But im lookin forward to a doctors digit , So nobody can wave there digit at you and say i told you so ?? And that could be a reason that in my later years i have definately become more passionate and intimate and my desire to please a lady that i have to be attracted too! Because my head on my shoulders makes the decision where im taking my cock as my cock might have a mind but ? But the prick aint got legs !! Hahaha So all you tough guys dont have to be big and strong to make the biggest moves of your lives??? - Posted from rhpmobile

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RHP User

12 years ago

I've longed for that kind of connection with a man ever since sex was something I understood. In fact, I've longed for that kind of deep, intimate, vulnerable (in a non-sexual sense) connection with other human beings since I was a small child. I love his article for both of those reasons :) My favourite part ... "I have to say that even today it is sometimes still difficult for me to believe this could actually be possible. It turns out my ED gave me the opportunity to slow down as a lover and really focus on my partner instead of taking care of my hard-on. Making love has become an exquisite process, not a goal."

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RHP User

12 years ago

One of the areas I'm thinking of going into once I finish my degree is sex therapy. There are many people who due to disability, illness or injury, can't or have great difficulty with what most of us consider to be 'normal' penetrative sex. These people still have sexual desires though, and deserve to be able to express them as much as anyone else. This shows that it is still more than possible to have a fulfilling sex life without penile penetration, and it can in fact result in enhanced pleasure due to thinking outside the box, so to speak, and exploring techniques that you might not normally even consider.

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RHP User

12 years ago

I really wish they had a "like" button on here. A lot of men and women need to realise that going for prostate checks, pap smears and mammograms could end up saving there lives.

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MissBishere

12 years ago

Quoting 'looking4quality' I really wish they had a "like" button on here. A lot of men and women need to realise that going for prostate checks, pap smears and mammograms could end up saving there lives. I agree, this gets a big like from me to both of you.

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RHP User

12 years ago

Love this bit: . I have made the choice to define my manhood not by the size or stiffness of my penis, but instead on how well I can deeply connect with and please my partner in a context of true emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy. And from that perspective, it really doesn’t matter to me or my partner if I ever get hard again. . What a man.

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RHP User

12 years ago

Prostate Cancer is for men, not women. This article is written by a woman. Is she writing about her partner or herself. Please explain. Yes the article is the aftermath of Prostate Cancer and certainly is a show stopper at parties. Besides the tantric type sex, there are other solutions and men grimace at what I do. Put an injection in the penis. If done correctly, doesn't hurt and can produce an erection for over an hour (good for some and not for others LOL) . This is available through an ED specialist or with a prescription at the chemist. Ask your Dr. for Caverjet (and you can carry in your carry on baggage. I have being doing this for over five years and have not considered the final solution. I will come back to this when I return to Brissie next week

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RHP User

12 years ago

As stated at the very beginning. And he says no treatment works for him. More importantly, he says not being able to get an erection is the best thing that's ever happened to his sex life. So yes, I think you missed the point a little Mr Sexycouple :)

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RHP User

12 years ago

Quoting 'Sexycouple8080' Prostate Cancer is for men, not women. This article is written by a woman. Halcyon merely copied the article by Michael J Russer. As stated in the opening line.

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Lovinit28andKC72

12 years ago

What an amazing and beautiful story...thanks for posting - Posted from rhpmobile

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RHP User

12 years ago

I think it's harder for guys in general to separate the physicality of sex from the sensuality, excitement and connectedness that come from shared sexual adventures/experiences.. Probably because sexual arousal is so physically obvious for them from such an early age. I know some of the most amazing sexual encounters I've had have not involved sexual penetration with my adventure/experience partner.... But the connectedness is so intense... Hmmm I don't know if this will make sense to anyone else... It's hard to explain. And it's just a theory I have... But this story seems to validate it lol

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RHP User

12 years ago

They do a blood check for PSA. (Just so you scaredy cat boys know) I had a lover about 15 years ago that had a spinal injury and he couldn't maintain an erection. One of the best and most imaginative lovers I've ever had the pleasure of being with. We had an incredible sex life with absolutely no penile penetration whatsoever. He pushed every boundary, it was exhilarating. I think this is a great article for men & women to rethink their intimacy.

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Erectile dysfunction (looooong post)

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