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"Easy-going curiosity" and other good ideas - just a share for anyone who's interested

February 11 2014

I follow a pretty awesome blog called the Good Men Project. To quote their "About us" section ... “The Good Men Project is a glimpse of what enlightened masculinity might look like in the 21st century,” the press raved when we launched. We had set out to start an international conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Every now and then I get the feeling it's run by a religious group, but they never seem to evangelise and it never seems to detract from the quality of most (no, not all) of the articles. Discussion categories include Sex & Relationships, Dads & Families, Marriage, Advice & Confessions, Sport, Ethics etc. I read an article today (which I've copied below if you want to read it - it's long!) about the ways a man reacts to a woman's sexual expression. I think a lot of what it talks about applies equally for men's sexual expression as it does for women's. A few things struck a chord with me ... Easy going curiosity - enquiring, asking questions out of genuine interest, building connection and intimacy through the genuine 'getting to know you' process. I have to admit, I find this a rare thing in today's world, between anyone, not just men and women. I love heartfelt questions - they keep the door of connection right open. Gentle sharing - revealing a bit of yourself (not too much, no over-sharing, thanks!) in a relaxed, non-dominant, non-bragging kind of way. The phrase 'gentle sharing' made me think of that quiet strength that I love so much in men. It really draws me to them. Microaggressions - now this was interesting! Not a term I've heard before and very thought-provoking. I think of all the times I'm guilty of doing this to men! Especially when I was younger and less comfortable with my own sexuality, therefore less comfortable with theirs. Teasing and banter has deeper impacts than usually intended, it would seem (derr!). I think it takes a lot of discipline to communicate consciously, without loaded intent, with kindness and real love. This article reminded me to try a little harder. And it made some sense for me of all those times someone was having a joke at my expense and it hurt just a little on the inside. Thought for my day: be gently interested in others :) ______________________________________________ Start with this: it’s likely that the women you are interested in, and who are interested in you, want to get sexy with you. It’s also likely that the women you want to get sexy with are afraid that if they do get sexy with you, you may not respect them afterward.As outmoded as this may seem, the sooner you come to understand that these fears are grounded in a reality that reinforces them, and that you may be inadvertently reinforcing that reality, the sooner you will be on your way to creating an area around you that is a safe space for women to be feel comfortable in their skin.How can you be possibly the ‘First Man Ever’ to encourage the women you want to get sexy with to be fully expressed in their sexuality? Here are a few easy steps.1. Never call a woman a slut. Any woman. Ever.Most of us are aware of the old double standard. He gets a pat on the back, she gets a slap on the hand. He’s a stud, she’s a slut. He’s a pimp, she’s a “ho.” He’s a dude, she’s a nympho.Women and men alike fall into the thoughtless repetition of this kind of default name-calling. Without even thinking about it, without even meaning anything by it, even for nonsexual infractions against the standard format for interaction, women and girls are called names that lead to them feeling “dirty” about even the possibility of being seen as sexual beings.Every time you call a woman – any woman – a slut or anything similar, you are reinforcing the idea that sexually active women are bad, gross, wrong, immoral, damaged goods. I could toss a bunch of made-up stats out there about “how many is too many” as far as sexual partners go and illustrate the uneven playing field that way, but instead I’ll ask you to consider what your thoughts and feelings are on the issue.This line of thought is perpetuating the “purity expectation”; another idea we wish had fallen by the wayside. The purity expectation is the expectation that you will be her first lover. Even if you don’t think you have this expectation, cultural conditioning is sneaky. I suggest, once again, that you sit with that for a moment and see if there isn’t some shred of attachment to this idea, as nonsensical as it may be.How messed up is it that some guys will sleep with a woman, and then call that same woman a slut for having slept with him? I am sure you wouldn’t do that. But how does she know you wouldn’t? If you ever call any woman a slut, you are reinforcing the fear most women have that they will be exposed as a sexual being.And in a cultural that vilifies a sexualized woman, that would be a bad thing.Break the pattern.Even better than merely not calling any woman a slut ever, how about taking it a step further and calling your bros on it when they inadvertently slip into this pattern? I know it may be a challenge to take the guys to task at first, but it gets easier over time.Bonus: taking action in this way is sure to get you points with the ladies in your life.2. Don’t sexually shame her.It seems obvious; if you want women around you to feel comfortable in their sexual expression, don’t shame them when they express their sexuality. The moments of shaming that happen may seem harmless to you. But to her, those interactions may be deeply wounding.Remember that a woman is already taking a risk by dressing or acting in a sexual manner, and even what you intend as gentle teasing or playful banter may actually come across as hurtful.Shaming may be expressed as microaggressions. Microaggressions aren’t big and splashy. They can appear to be tiny, and be totally inadvertent.While they may seem irrelevant if you don’t know how they work, microaggressions are an important concept to really get. Microaggressions are cumulative; they wear people down. They also normalize thoughts and behaviors that lead to the possibility of straight-out aggression.Microaggressions are both the result and the cause of rape culture. Rape culture is the ultimate deterrent to women’s sexual empowerment. Recognize the microaggressions that allow for the continued deterioration of women’s sexual empowerment, and you will have made a huge difference for the women around you, and for yourself in the process.Here are some examples of microaggressions:Talking about sexual choices of other women in a negative manner in front of a woman: This not only leads to a woman potentially feeling shamed, it will damage her trust in you as an ally, friend, or potential lover.Making assumptions about her boundaries: Just because she’s dressed to the nines doesn’t mean she “wants it.” Just because she’s letting that other guy touch her doesn’t mean she’s open to whatever. This ties into the previous microaggression. She owns her sexual expression. And that’s what you want, right?The assumption that her sexual expression is for your benefit: Women want to feel free to express their sexual selves. That means having agency over their own bodies, appearance, and actions. When you assume that a woman is being sexy for your benefit – or the benefit of men in general – you are in essence taking away that agency. You are making the woman an object, a thing to be acted upon, instead of a subject; that which takes action.Unsolicited input on her choice of presentation – clothing, makeup, etc: Unless she asks you, assume that she doesn’t want you to tell her what you think of how she’s presenting. Feel free to offer sincere compliments, but be conscious of tone and implication.“Concern” for her well-being: Making a statement of concern implies that she is doing something that is dangerous. If what she’s doing has been deemed dangerous, why would she feel comfortable in it? Additionally, this microaggression is paternalistic, and implies that you believe that you have the authority to tell her how to dress or behave. It can also be perceived as a threat; the underlying theme of “If you know what’s good for you…” is a deterrent to a woman feeling empowered in her expression.When you are in a relationship with a woman, sexual shaming can become much more personal. When she says she likes porn, the best thing you can do is take it stride, and go with the flow. (Unless you don’t like porn. In which case take responsibility for your feelings, and your judgments off her expression.) Both an over-exuberant “OHMYGODFORREAL?”, and an understated, “Uh, really?” can make her self-conscious.Don’t ask her how many lovers she’s had. When she says what she likes, don’t ask where she learned that. If she says she likes kink, you don’t have to like kink, but don’t say, “Really? Wow.” If you want the women in your life to be fully sexually expressed, shock or disgust will not get you what you want.3. Be curious, while also maintaining excellent boundaries.Easy-going curiosity is a great way to let the women in your life know that you’re cool with who they are. Also, being a good listener shows a woman that you’re really interested in knowing who she is. It’s also breaking a standard male-female dynamic; the one where women are supposed to listen, giggle, and play with their hair, and men are supposed to brag about their jobs, cars, and money. Gross. None of us want to fall into that one, right? No matter what thePUAandMRAcrap says, or the “how to get a man” tomes rely on, you don’t want to be known as your brags, and she doesn’t want to be known as her willingness to make you feel like a man.Be real, and open, and allow and encourage her to be as well. Ask questions. Listen with curiosity. Engage with genuine sincerity.4. Gently share your secrets.Sharing secrets is a great way to create rapport, and up your intimacy quotient. It builds trust, and creates a bond that may help a woman feel safe with you.One caveat; don’t over-share. Telling stories that are too intimate too soon may be received as a violation.Cool secrets to share might be situations where you felt embarrassed but everything turned out well in the end. Off-putting confessions are humblebrags (“I don’t know why, but chicks totally dig me.”), the size of your cock, unresolved, uncomfortable stories, or “The weirdest ever!” tales.Stay playful and light at first, and slowly move deeper as the intimacy allows. This builds on item # 3. Share and listen and create a sweet, safe, potentially very sexy bubble of intimacy.5. Gently ask her to share hers.Again with the double standard; as a man you have been told by the dominant culture that your sexual wants are to be expected and explored.Yes, I know that if you have also been told a lot of other things from other sources. I also understand that you feel tons of pressure due to the expectations that the culture puts on you regarding your sexual expression.That said, it’s still important to remember that she has very likely not been encouraged to express herself sexually. Remember that she has almost certainly been warned that her sexual desires are wrong, or that her sexual adventurousness is harmful to her, and even to others.Without expectation, and with compassion, invite her to reveal the things she’s never been given the space to share. I read an

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RHP User

12 years ago

Is that a guide for virgins? Sorry I couldn't read it as I found it to be written in a patronising way that gave me the whoops.

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RHP User

12 years ago

What is wrong with the world that we must continue to segregate the sexes. What applies for one sex equally applies for the other. We have equal emotions, equally react to insult, equally enjoy giving and receiving love, equal intelligence, and equal flaws The article is condescending to both men and women via the implication that men are but unfeeling dumb brutes and women but emotional fragile wreaks. Groups like "The Good Men" do nothing but widen the gap between men and women. There is no equality in that article at all. I don't need people like that telling me how to be a good person and how to respect another human.

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RHP User

12 years ago

Well, I'm with Meeka I couldn't bring myself to read all of your blog. It was just too much. Full points for effort though. I would have just run with the 5 points on there own and not the big spiel after - otherwise everyone would have been asleep before they finished.

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RHP User

12 years ago

Is this limited to only certain types of concern or in general? 'Hey, a glass jar up the butt isn't a great idea'... 'Dont slut shame me with your 'concern', I'm comfy with it' .... 'pop' (see : 1 man 1 jar)

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RHP User

12 years ago

Just did a bit of digging on the Good Guys. The not so good guys support a rapist as a "nice guy" that was lead astray by a flirtatious woman. This "nice guy" raped the woman while asleep but that was OK because he was confused by the "mixed signals" she gave while awake. So much for the Good Guy Project....

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RHP User

12 years ago

"Good Men" not "Good Guys" silly me.

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RHP User

12 years ago

Was this written in the seventies? I agree it reads very patronizing, towards both women AND men.

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RHP User

12 years ago

Quoting 'nuevodia'I think it takes a lot of discipline to communicate consciously, without loaded intent, with kindness and real love.

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RHP User

12 years ago

You offered the article up to a public forum. The idea of a forum is to provide a platform for free comment and debate. As you say we all have the right to an opinion and we are free to voice that in what ever way we see fit (No hate). Yet I place a caveat on that right in regard to personal insult directed at individuals. I accept that with light hearted brevity there will be a certain amount of judging that occurs in forums but upon personal insult I reserve the right to voice personal judgment in return. You have stepped over the line in your assertion that I am arrogant and I will in equal manner qualitate that your heady and defensive response to my post does indeed suggest a lot as to the nature of your insecurities. You say you have found some good points in the article, and you go to the express effort of highlighting the term microaggressions, yet your response to my post (which in no way was directed at you.) is but a classic example of microaggression. Did you not heed your own words? I am strongly off the belief that any person or organisation that seeks to highlight the differences between any groups does more to uphold stereotypes and prejudice then aid in building understanding and acceptance between them. Peace comes from knowing what makes us similar, not from focusing on what makes us different. I make a point of letting that opinion known, if that is arrogance? so be it. It comes from a position of self assured righteousness and intelligent analysis of the issues involved. If you don't like it, it is easy to ignore my posts. I am not here to have people like me and am more than happy to be an annoying thorn in the side of popular opinion.

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RHP User

12 years ago

What are you asking????

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RHP User

12 years ago

DG's blog? (jokes)

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RHP User

12 years ago

Don't read his.

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MsSuperFoxy

12 years ago

I'll be honest, I actually agree...that's my fear! Foxy PS- Sorry I just couldn't read the rest..not at this time of night. By brain is frizzled and then it went blah blah bah...too long for me.

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RHP User

12 years ago

Maybe I have read this in a different context, however I found OPs post had a good balancing effect, throughout it pointed out that there SHOULDNT be a difference between sexes regarding sexuality and that it was pointing out to guys to be aware that some of their reactions to women in today's society may be a learnt behaviour from comments made by parents, family friends etc which can then be exasperated when talking to peers........... I honestly did not see 'sexes are different' except for the parts relating to how society views them........ Thanks Nuevodia

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RHP User

12 years ago

last week a movie with Anthony BanderasHe played a plastic surgeon, it was in Spanish with English Under title he gave the rapist of his daughter a vagina.LOLWhat a punishment for a rapist.

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gazpacho

12 years ago

I reclaimed that term "slut" as a term of endearment. I'm a slut. A big one. I love sluts. The sluttier the better. Sluts have more fun. It's really simple. A slut is a promiscuous person. What's wrong about that? Fucked if I know. Sounds like, and is a perfectly natural thing to do. The demonisation of sex is not caused by the term Slut... It's caused by a righteous attitude promoted particularly by the faithful god botherers. Hugs Gazpacho

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RHP User

12 years ago

I have always loved sluts too.. Although I don't consider myself to be one. But I am trying!! I want to be as free and without inhibitions as you. Damn Catholic upbringing. :-/

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RHP User

12 years ago

Actually I am assuming that all promiscuous people, or sluts, have no or little inhibitions... Would that be right? Possibly not.

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gazpacho

12 years ago

Quoting 'Litonya' last week a movie with Anthony BanderasHe played a plastic surgeon, it was in Spanish with English Under title he gave the rapist of his daughter a vagina.LOLWhat a punishment for a rapist. I missed the plot and just caught the ending from when Banderas was shot. Looked intriguing. Sorry I missed it now.HugsGazpacho

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RHP User

12 years ago

Quoting 'Litonya' last week a movie with Anthony BanderasHe played a plastic surgeon, it was in Spanish with English Under title he gave the rapist of his daughter a vagina.LOLWhat a punishment for a rapist. Love the idea of the irony Litonya!

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"Easy-going curiosity" and other good ideas - just a share for anyone who's interested

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