M50 F51
Do You/Would You Want To.....?
June 27 2012
Comments
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RHP User
14 years ago
Stumped. Great questions. I obviously can't answer this as a couple, but from my own experience... I'd probably appreciate anonymity.I'm one of those types who hates it when people are defined by their sexuality or who/how many/in what manner of people they sleep with. Sex is a pretty private thing for me, so it's not something I go brag to my mates about, let alone lobby for.It's interesting though, sometimes I hear arguments against gay marriage that say it's a slippery slope on the path to polygamy, to which I kind of think... well, yes. Why is that such a bad thing? It obviously wouldn't be appropriate in all cases (there are serious debates to be had about taxation, custody rights, abuse etc.), but it bears consideration.Who is the state to legislate what is and is not an acceptable relationship between consenting adults?
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RHP User
14 years ago
Its been a while since I have swung as a couple... I have no probs with my friends knowing (in fact most if not all of my friends are either swingers, or on this site, so most of my freinds are fairly open minded ( I think) - this is the circle that I move in - I have no surviving family left so theres no chance of any potential embarassment or upset or fumbling justifications there.......I guess the only people that I would be "coming out " to would be work colleagues... Most of my closer colleagues know that Im on this site (in fact some of them are also ) but my profile doesnt indicate that I swing or that I used to.... So to answer your question, I guess I "aspire to do so" but haven't cause I just haven't felt the need nor has a situation arisen where Ive had to confront it - unlike I imagine it does more so with same sex couples....like for instance I haven't bumped into someone I work with at a swingers party and had to like go thru the whole "Oh Hi, what are you doing here ?" crap.......I still feel what I do in my personal life is my business...and who I have sex with, even more so..I certainly dont announce my conquests to those gathered in the staff tea room on a Monday morning of who I shagged shitless on Saturday nite.....basically cause I work mainly with blokes who are more interested in where the Eagles are on the ladder !!! But kudos to those who have taken that step...Im not in the closet, but Im not out of it either.... And to be honest, I kinda like the whole double life aspect...I like what lurks beneath.....I like living my little secret life and to meet me, well Im think Im the kinda gal of which first impression arent necessarily representative of how naughty I can be....
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RHP User
14 years ago
ParadisePair, I wholeheartedly agree with MsVelvetBlue, excellent topic.I think it's extremely difficult for the muggles to understand the swinger lifestyle or even just the casual sex lifestyle (perhaps even more so the casual sex lifestyle choice for a single female like me).I wouldn't say that I'm in the closet, but I definitely don't tell many people. I have a few close friends who I've told about my choices but I don't expect them to fully understand my decisions and actions. I have no shame about my choices, but I realise it's not really appropriate to update my Facebook status with my casual sex escapades.I have received a little bit of flack about certain activities I've undertaken. Some people have expressed concerns about my psychological well being and mental health. They have been well intentioned but I'll admit that it pissed me off that I felt like I needed to justify my choices to anyone other than myself and my partner. I'm a consenting adult - I've been one for a while now, and I'd like to think I'm intelligent and I can make informed decisions for myself. So my advice to them would be, perhaps ask questions first and try to see an alternative perspective to your own before you rush to a judgement.
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RHP User
14 years ago
...most people who know us, know what Jennylee and I are like. Good luck blackmailing us.
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QLDtwo4fun
14 years ago
We haven't "come out" with teenage kids etc it would just be too hard on us and them. However, the ponder we have been swinging the less worried we have become about people knowing who we are. Most of the swingers we have met are average people, with average jobs, mortgages, etc and all the same fears as us. I do wonder how many non swingers would like to join in if swinging was not seen as a fringe activity.
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RHP User
14 years ago
We are not necessarily gender politic pedants, nor do we agree with every aspect of gender politics, but we do think that the need for discretion - at its most reductive - boils down to the positioning of woman in society, as the pillar of the family, the gatekeeper to the family's dignity etc etc. There is also the potential of men being made to feel de-emasculated by virtue of allowing others to sleep with 'their' partner, but again, the point being the initial one. Homosexual interaction doesn't face that scrutiny because, by natural extension, the dignity of woman is not up for questioning by the norms of society, whatever 'normal' might be.In our view it won't change, certainly not in our lifetime. Argue one way or the other but the status quo pertaining to gender roles has brought society and the family to this point and we do not believe that playing is possible for everyone, or that it can be accepted, as an activity for others, by everyone. The two of us over here move in quite liberal circles where most wouldn't budge if they were to find out. To us it's a matter of bog standard privacy rather than shame, we don't discuss our personal sex life or masturbation over dinner, and hence see no need to discuss our very intermittent play sessions with others. We are also exceedingly selective, the worst about people knowing would be the couples that assume themselves to be the ones we have been waiting for all our lives, every time two glasses of wine have been drunk in a social situation.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Not to mention the single men. It's one thing dealing with single men on RHP who assume that they are exactly what you are looking for when your profile explicitly states that you are looking for couples. Imagine every moron out there in the real world, with half a sniff of Vodka under his belt, knowing that you play as a couple. It would be dealt with easily enough but who could be bothered.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Some of our friends and family know (we have been careful to only tell those who are open minded and generally accepting of other peoples choices). I get the impression that other friends and possibly even our parents suspect that we get up to some "out of the ordinary" stuff due to occasional slip-ups on our behalf in conversations and the discovering of kinky toys and outfits hidden away in cupboards and drawers. My 3 year old son found my riding crop the other day and showed my Mum. He inquired innocently "what does Mummy use this for Nanna?". We would love to come out but are fearful of the ridicule and stigma of being labelled "dirty swingers". One trusted friend of ours automatically assumed that the reason we do this is because something is lacking in our relationship or that I am a closet lesbian. To the contrary, we have found that being more open sexually has reinforced our love and connection. His reaction has led us to be more careful. XXX
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RHP User
14 years ago
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Zsuza69
14 years ago
Swinging and homosexuality are Two different lifestyles. Although bisexual and swinging go for some hand in hand. thus comes the stigma that swinging is a straight persons way of pleasing their homosexual side or even a closet homosexual.Nothing could be further from the truth swinging is a life style whereas homosexuality you are born with and bisexual well thats just the best of both worlds or is it just being greedy lol.we find most swingers are however straight and just into full swap (bit boring) There the stigma comes into play i have talked to people at work ....well listened in .... saying they knew of people that are swingers and they were saying it as if it is a dirty, filthy, adulterous act and 'how could they do that to their partners?'I think the next generation will be more tolerant as we are with homosexuals. Before you were married how many partners did you have? and why should a piece of paper change everything?We love the lifestyle but it will remain a secret to our family, friends and collegues simply because they wouldnt understand or most wouldnt lol and we dont want to be alienated.
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LeoQueen
14 years ago
We have pretty much decided it will remain the "secret" part of our lives. Although, it might be fun telling the kids when we are 80, just for the shock value. L has tried telling a few muggle girl-friends (usually after a few too many bubbles) with reactions from genuine intrigue to outright horror; but as Waterbabes points out, the fact is that people think that bringing others into our sex lives suggests we are not fulfilled with each other and that is just so far from the case. It's like the theory of evolution, some people just cannot even listen to it because it goes against their core beliefs. The other concern for us is how to mix horizontal friends with vertical friends. Do you just not do it or do you word all the players up first on who is and who isn't? There's always the "so how do you know L&M?" and the stumbling over the answer or forgetting the lie you told last time just isn't a good look...
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RHP User
14 years ago
We've bled little tidbits of information to friends to gauge their reactions and some have been positive, some negative and some dont really care one way or the other. Openmindedness is a varying thing we've found, some who we thought would react negatively have been positive and vice-versa. Some have felt threatened and reacted very negatively, as if we'd pulled the rug of normality from beneath their feet. The male of the couple has been more open than the female in our case as his skin is bulletproof thick and tends to ignore outside opinions , while the Mrs is very reluctant to divulge much information at all for the opposite reason. Mr is brutally honest and hates wasting time on deceptions or evasions and can be quite blunt, (shades of grey dont rate in his mind), whereas Mrs is more diplomatic. Alienation/estrangement sometimes ensues, but that's their problem not mine. Nat ;)
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RHP User
14 years ago
When I was with my husband and we swung we did not let it be known to friends, I told a few but he never did. But since single most of my friends know I was a swinger with my husband and still enjoy doing it. I would not tell family though. Shit only my sister knows I am bi let alone letting the whole cat out of the bag
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RHP User
14 years ago
I think there's a fine line here. I hate that I have to be deceitful to people we care about as that goes against the fundamentals of how we chose to live our life. I'm talking specifically about the questions about what we did on the weekend, or who/why we are going away etc.A couple of our friends know about our lifestyle choice and we were very selective about who we shared with. We always knew there was a chance of judgement or that they'd change the way they interacted with us but its been quite the contrary. They've been supportive and while of course there were questions (lots of), we love that we can just 'be' with them and that is spectacularly awesome.Lastly, I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about our choices. We make them together. Our partnership is secure, trusting and full of love and above all else, honesty...so what's to blackmail? Someone tried that with me, I'd laugh in their face because clearly they wouldn't know me at all.Kisses,J
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RHP User
14 years ago
LOL Catherine TS, with your great ass AND great shoulders, surely it would be harder to be secret, than being out!
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RHP User
14 years ago
Obviously I can't answer this from a couple's perspective, but as a single girl who engages in casual sex with men and couples, not only is there the stigma, but also overwhelming concern (well meant, I'm sure), about my safety and mental well-being, as well as physical well-being from those that I have talked to about my activities. I hesitated for a very long time before deciding to disclose to two girlfriends the particulars, but considering that I travel to people's residences and share hotel rooms with next to complete strangers, having someone to at least check up on me the morning after would be a ridiculous safety net not to have.I am quite scathing of those who think that there is something 'wrong' with me for choosing to partake in these activities. I'm currently being blackmailed by my older sister, who's threatening to tell our mother and my close friends of my activities, after she found my profile (I won't go into the details of how) and not only went through my emails, but also my validations and photographs. She said: "You're pretty much just whoring yourself out there to everyone", which is a lovely thing to hear from your flesh and blood sister, I can tell you that. She said that I should take a "good and hard look" at myself, having become the "sort of person who uses others for casual sex."I am just so, so tired of narrow-minded, judgmental people.
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RHP User
14 years ago
How dare your sister do that to you.It is such a fundamental betrayal.Sometimes in life we have to make choices as to whether or not we can afford to have some people in our lives,regardless of whether they are family or not. I have made many life choices that my family disagree with,it is one of the reasons I live in Queensland ,they live in Victoria. You are a beautiful intelligent woman who has chosen to express her sexuality honestly. I hope your sister realizes this and supports you,not villifies you.many Hugs H x
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RHP User
14 years ago
My partner and I are in an open relationship. Most of our friends we have told and most have just been curious about the logistics of it rather than shocked at it. One of my best friends is a few years my senior and he only had sex with one person in his life and he is still with her. His reaction when I told him was odd. He was shocked I was so casual about it, but at the same time, thinks my wife is hot and wanted every dirty detail haha.I had a flight home from Newcastle last week and the lovely woman beside me (she was 29 and engaged) asked me what my tips were for a happy marriage. I told her about my open relationship with my wife and she had told me she never even considered something like that but was intrigued by the idea. I'm still kicking myself for not asking her number! Having young children though, we have both failed to come up with a solution that allows us to continue our lifestyle as they get older.
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RHP User
14 years ago
BUT have been on line for a number of years and am not exactly straight. I dont care who knows what I get up to. Personally I feel that it is nobody elses business but mine. Naturally I do not walk around with a big sign on my back but I do not actively hide it either. I am not ashamed and if otjhers can not or do not accept me then that is thier loss. Most of my family knows, hey my eldest child is on this site with me, as many of you already are aware. Recently I was talking with a friend, a woman that I had been close friends with for over five years. Now she knew that I was on this and other sites, met men from here and was sexually open. She is a rather stitched up catholic. We got around to discussing the seamier side of life and it just came out that back in my early 20's I was a working girl. End of friendship! I just looked at her and said... "So it was okay for Jesus Crist. Do you think you are better than he was?" Still...the friendship is now gone and that is her loss!
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'City_Kitty'Obviously I can't answer this from a couple's perspective, but as a single girl who engages in casual sex with men and couples, not only is there the stigma, but also overwhelming concern (well meant, I'm sure), about my safety and mental well-being, as well as physical well-being from those that I have talked to about my activities. I hesitated for a very long time before deciding to disclose to two girlfriends the particulars, but considering that I travel to people's residences and share hotel rooms with next to complete strangers, having someone to at least check up on me the morning after would be a ridiculous safety net not to have. I am quite scathing of those who think that there is something 'wrong' with me for choosing to partake in these activities. I'm currently being blackmailed by my older sister, who's threatening to tell our mother and my close friends of my activities, after she found my profile (I won't go into the details of how) and not only went through my emails, but also my validations and photographs. She said: "You're pretty much just whoring yourself out there to everyone", which is a lovely thing to hear from your flesh and blood sister, I can tell you that. She said that I should take a "good and hard look" at myself, having become the "sort of person who uses others for casual sex." I am just so, so tired of narrow-minded, judgmental people.I think you are amazing. Dont let them bring you down! xxx
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RHP User
14 years ago
Aww, thanks for the support, guys <3Decibels, to answer your question, she's a 34 year old virgin... who still lives at home... I really don't think anything can surpass people from your own family calling you a whore.. While you can discard friends who pass judgment on you, the only thing you can do with family is put physical distance between you (which I will be doing soon).More than likely your girl is jealous that she has a yummy mummy who has more pulling power than she has!!
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RHP User
14 years ago
There are so many people who believe they know better than you of what's right or wrong for you. I hope that while you distance yourself from your interfering sister, you're not forced to distance yourself from the rest of your family.
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RHP User
14 years ago
I'm not surprised at some of the blinkered reactions of some of the "muggles" and having your sister blackmailing you is just so f@#kn' wrong I am astounded. I have been to a swingers party with an exFB and found it fun and sexy, we didn't play with others and still had a fantastic time. Its a personal thing sexuality and how you express yourself sexually should be no-one elses bloody business. I can understand why you would want to keep it quiet due to general societal attitudes to sexuality ie: sex is bad. But weren't we taught as kids to share? Sharing is fun! Mike
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RHP User
14 years ago
Hope you'll come to a good solution with your sister soon.
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Paradisepair
14 years ago
My heart goes out to City Kitty and everyone-else who suffers t the hand of wannabe blackmailers. A family member is one situation, there's particular family values involved which to some would feel violated. But freedom of choice is paramount in my mind . Those actually trying to blackmail and threaten (outside of family situations) need to have the police alerted (or be told that they are about to be). Easy to say but consensual sex is not illegal, blackmail is. Weapons like blackmail become useless when you show no fear. To answer my own question: we've only just started this journey, our very closest friends know and are nonjudgmental, if in a few years time we're still fornicating with friends we haven't met yet then we both aspire to be more open in order to be positive role models for those who need them. I've been the victim of malicious gossip in the past, as a teen I diffused the whispers by simply starting my own false rumours so that I at least knew and controlled what was being said. If anyone decided they wanted to out us now, we'd wear it, proudly. Albeit a few years before we'd like to but we're simply having good times with good people, we're happier because of it and that teenage experience has meant I've never worried about what people think of me anyway. As long as we're not hurting anyone, or doing something that is illegal than any issues people have are there's not ours. THE ONLY THING I FEAR about any revelation is guys getting creepy on me, you know that mentality of just because I like to fuck it means I am easy.
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Paradisepair
14 years ago
S'all
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