F71
Divorce. .love and pain and the whole damn thing
October 24 2015
Comments
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RHP User
10 years ago
I didn't cope very well at all. I was desperately in love with my son's father when he left me, and I totally debased myself. I continued to cook for him, do his washing & chores, and have sex with him whenever he felt like it. It took a number of years for me to wake up to myself, and realise that he was never coming back to me. At that point I would have liked to cut all ties with him, but it wasn't an option because we had a child together. Instead, I got some good counselling which has really helped & I definitely recommend it. Unfortunately I still have deep-seated trust issues which I continue to work through. Until I've resolved those issues 100%, I'll enjoy & embrace my singledom and have fun with my FWB's. I'm still very far away from being ready for, or wanting, a re-coupling.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I didnt see it coming sure we had our problems but with what we had endured raising two children that had specials needs. Like ADHD and one with a hearing loss, I was looking forward to when our kids become adults and life became less complicated. The shock finding he was gay was hard to deal with and I had no course of trying to reconcile. I was still very angry about how he handled the whole seperation. Until recently after three years and being divorced I decided that I could no longer keep my peace. So I let him have it both barrels now I have total closure and we are still communicating at a reasonable level for the youngest child. He went straight from our very long marriage to his male partner but after 3yrs they have just seperated. Wonder how he feels now being on his own, its a long path to creating your life as a single. Fortunate for myself I have taken the time to heal and feel good about just being me. I am cautious about how I will deal with my next relationship. Id like to date and really get to know someone well before I commit to anything fulltime. I look forward to the pure happiness that you can feel when you fall in love with someone. Perhaps I will one day if it doesnt well life can be pretty good still.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I'll be watching this thread with interest, it's not unimaginable I could go down this path at any time.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I'm going through this right now - it's been a long process, as we tried to see if we could make things work, but ultimately I realised that I just wasn't happy, and haven't been for a long time. A very dear friend, who I met on here, told me that above all else, to remember that I deserved to live the life I want, and not just settle for the one I have now. That made it easier to make the final decision - although to be honest, I've been ready for a while now. It has been a difficult time, but thankfully things are pretty amicable. We have children, and we both adore them, so we are working on making sure that they know that whilst our marriage is over, our family will always remain, and will always be the most important thing to both of us. We are setting up our separate homes, and making sure that things are as comfortable as possible for the kids when the time comes that they have two homes instead of one.
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RHP User
10 years ago
It is doubley tricky when you have children together as I am just beginning to experience. And even though I am trying to distance myself from her but not my children I just cannot say no to her if she needs me, it makes it very hard as i am still trying to get my head around all of this ,everyone's advice is very much appreciated thank-you - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Been single, "dated" a couple of guys when I was younger but that's it! I'm excited but also scared about having my first relationship, I'm so very use to doing my own thing when I want, I truly don't know how I will go, but for now I'm a happy single just trying to get my shit together by the time I hit 30! Haha if it's at all possible 😊 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
I know you were talking about divorce but I enjoy your topics so wanted to contribute a little something 😊 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
I've been divorced twice.... First time - my choice after 11 years, we were friends but I needed more. Second time - my husbands choice and I had no idea, we had sex on Tue, kissed me goodbye Thur morning as he went off to work, Thur night said he was leaving - we had nothing in common anymore.... I cried for a week, picked myself up and embraced what I still had. He was a good man and we must all be happy so I only wish him well and happiness. I have no regrets - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
After 22 yrs of marriage with 2 children he decided that he would walk out of the door without as much as word. To me it was a god send and a sheer relief that he did as I was trying my hardest to keep things together for the kids sake but knowing now that was dinately not the best thing to do. For the last 10 yrs of the marriage accused me of having an affair but all along it was him having the affair and certainly not me. But 4 1/2 years on and after 12 months of counselling I am starting to live my life again but as Astrild said it is so hard to have that total trust but I am slowly getting over that. I have enjoyed my 'me' time and still do on a lot of occasions but it would be lovely to share my time with that special friend, don't think a relationship is on the horizon but as they say never say never, but am happy to have a good friend with benefits and enjoy each other's company. The thought of dying lonely is certainly not something I would want for myself.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I bumped into a mate who I hadn't seen for awhile who told me his wife walked out on him 6 months ago .. This was a shock because this man is such a decent human being you just couldn't image this happening. As a God fearing man and good provider to his family , he always stood for what he believed was right and acted on it... Unfortunately ' I can't list the good this man performed for our community because I want to protect his identity... but rest assure his integrity is first class.. But here was this broken man telling me his story.. I know you can't point a finger at his wife because I don't know her side of this story.... and I don't judge. All I know it is far more common than not. Personally , I came from a broken home and endured the pain of my own later in my life... But I believe these things happen for a reason and once the dust settles ' life goes on regardless... As I said to my mate '. You can't help what other people thinks , but you can control what you think .. He went on to tell me he's meeting up with a lady for lunch tomorrow.. Life goes on...
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RHP User
10 years ago
no problem at all, not even one argument, just naturally expired. I was treated with respect, which went back the other way. My husband understood me, and I him. I'll always respect him. When we decided to separate, we talked about it, decided on an official date, which we made my birthday so it was easy to remember lol and then went to the pub for a drink, to reflect on our life. Those moments having that drink together were really special, he'll always have a place in my heart
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MsJonesy
10 years ago
After 14 years together I realised I didn't love him anymore, so I initiated the end of our partnership. The first 6 months were a period of reflection and rebuilding, nuturing myself instead of another. Then I moved on...travelled, bought a house, found some new friends, struck out on my own. I enjoy singledom and don't actively seek a partner....but if one happened along I would have a look at what that would mean to my life.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Being betrayed by the two people in the world I loved and trusted most. But after allowing myself to mourn my relationship and going through the 7 stages of grief I am now at a peaceful place. In fact, upon reflection I would say I am happier without him, free ☺ Our children spend time with each of us and know they are loved. Making so many new friends through RHP has certainly helped me move on. I am open to a relationship, not a traditional monogamous one, but something someone and I can define together. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
i didn't cope well , lost weight , didn't want to work( self employed..real issue) and just generally lost direction and motivation But out of all this you find out who your true friends are. The ones that pick you up and get you on your feet, the ones that bring the lasagne around to make sure your eating, the ones that come around and give you a foot up the arse and help you realise that life is great Now life is great, work is enjoyable and I'm healthy Thanks to beautiful friends - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
One of the things I love about these forums is how open people are to sharing their lives and experiences with others. It's encouraging to read about how others have moved on, and found happiness. Whilst I'm excited about my future, and am looking forward to a new start and new opportunities, there was a time early on where I was terrified of being alone. What helped me through that was the realisation that I was already lonely - I'd been so incredibly lonely in my relationship. And I decided I'd much rather be alone and happy, than living with someone I've known my entire adult life and feeling so desperately lonely.
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RHP User
10 years ago
This is one of the better topics on here. It's been great to read everybody's comments and realize that, for most, it's a hard road to walk. I left my wife last year after only 6 years of marriage. I felt and still feel quite ashamed as my family history is one of divorce - often multiple times - and I swore I would never marry somebody that I then wanted to leave/divorce. And here I am! Initially, the first six months, I was quite elated at being free and independent. I reconnected with family and friends who I had lost contact with over the years (the ex was very demanding of my time), felt like I was rediscovering myself. I could eat the food I wanted to eat, go on holiday to wherever I wanted and do as much or as little as I liked at home. I started listening to music that I hadn't listened to in years, I felt much more socially confident. I really didn't realize how much of myself I had given to the ex over the years. The last six months, however, the whole topsy-turvy emotions have started. I believe I am now mourning the loss of my marriage. One day I'm happy and loving life on my own, the next I'm sad and contemplating returning home. I toss all the reasons why I left around over and over, wondering if I left too hastily (she continues to say that I did and that she can change), wondering if I'll regret my decision in years to come. I've never doubted enough to actually go home though. I'll remember something that I hated and that brings me back to earth again. I still love my ex, she still is probably the only person that ever truly knew me and it could be that she will only ever be that person. We had no children, just a dog and a cat, but our homelife was, by turns, blissful and cloying. I miss the blissful times and remember them often - this usually makes me pine for home. Then I remember the other times, feeling like the ''honour and obey'' part of our vows was a bit one-sided. Feeling like I was dedicating my whole life to making and keeping her happy (not easy). Some might say that is what a good husband does, but when your own happiness is suffering you really do start to question. She really was my best mate and my worst enemy. Anyway, ranting a little there, I continue to ride the roller-coaster of emotions day in, day out. I keenly await the day when I wake in the morning and realize that I am Officially Over It, and can start to properly move on.
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RHP User
10 years ago
My ex well, let's just say pretty much stripped me of nearly all my working emotional , physical and senses functions.. I lost self esteem, self confidence, lost the ability to love , to touch to feel and to appreciate how beautiful it can be , I lost me....................... , I gained from him self doubt ,worthlessness, sex was dirty , mistrust , and the thing that has been the hardest to recover TRUST... for what he did , no husband should ever do. BUT. I came through it , it was hard and the self journey has been incredible. I had family and outside support but at the end if the day only ME could fix me , I had the power within in me to heal myself , I just needed the strength to do it ..... So here we are today 7 years later ( that's how long it's taken ) but I never regret anything. I found out just how strong I am , how resilient I am , how awesome I am and how much love I have to give. I was never a victim , just a lost soul neededing to rebuild xo
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RHP User
10 years ago
I didnt see it coming. Being thousands of miles away from my friends and family didnt help, but my friends here in Perth were amazing. In hindsight I should have had some counselling, but I thought I was strong enough to deal with it on my own. I had some very low days. My main focus was to keep my son and myself here in Australia. It was a tough struggle but here we still are. Im so much happier now, the old social butterfly is back in full flight again (thanks for that wee phrase Bang!) and Im loving my life. My son is happy and Im looking forward to whatever the future holds. I hope one day to find another partner, but not for a while yet, Im enjoying my singledom too much at the moment. Its a horrible and scary thing to go through, that old chestnut "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" certainly applies. But its also true that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You can now take control of your life, and its a great, liberating feeling.
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RHP User
10 years ago
For sharing your stories....Resilience is the word I think to describe all of your experiences...and through all of the pain emerging new lives ..and a new sense of self xxFreya
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RHP User
10 years ago
working through some of the effects on my children who are now into their20s. I've been divorced from their father 17 years. Exposure to things on their fathers side after the divorce and his poor choices has left my kids struggling to maintain their own relationships and friendships. They no longer have any contact with him. I would say it took a good 10 years to rebuild my life and to financially get back on my feet again. I found it very isolating to not have any close friends or family who had gone through a divorce. Most of them have been married for over 2 decades. I did learn to become strong and independent through necessity and I am a much more rounded and fulfilled person within myself. Any life changing experience like divorce (which is often compared to the stages of grief after death of someone close) is an opportunity to grow within yourself and learn more about life and appreciate it when things are good. Do I regret getting divorced? No. Would staying together for the children's sake have worked? No. Would the kids have been better off emotionally staying in a dysfunctional marriage? I don't believe so. Are we all getting on with our lives? Yes The children and I have a unique bond that I don't think we would have shared otherwise. Does life have a purpose now? Yes - to be the best we can be and enjoy it every day. Life is what you make of it! LG
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hotdigettydam2
10 years ago
I've been through a couple of separations/breakups in the last 5 years or so and each was different in the way i felt about it. The hardest thing about breaking up with the mother of my kids was not being a full time part of my kids lives. The coming home and having them running to the door to see me, reading stories to them before bed, playing lego with my son... It nearly drove me crazy but I've found a measure of peace with it now but it is still hard having to say goodbye when i see them :( My most recent breakup was more difficult on a personal level... there was so many reasons why i should have been happy to say goodbye, but regardless of the things that happened i still loved her.. it's still very hard picking up my confidence after this one, and its made me extra wary of relationships in general.. Will take a lot for me to open my heart again. Quoting 'OkeyDoke45' Initially, the first six months, I was quite elated at being free and independent. I reconnected with family and friends who I had lost contact with over the years (the ex was very demanding of my time), felt like I was rediscovering myself. I could eat the food I wanted to eat, go on holiday to wherever I wanted and do as much or as little as I liked at home. I started listening to music that I hadn't listened to in years, I felt much more socially confident. I really didn't realize how much of myself I had given to the ex over the years. The last six months, however, the whole topsy-turvy emotions have started. I believe I am now mourning the loss of my marriage. One day I'm happy and loving life on my own, the next I'm sad and contemplating returning home. I toss all the reasons why I left around over and over, wondering if I left too hastily (she continues to say that I did and that she can change), wondering if I'll regret my decision in years to come. I've never doubted enough to actually go home though. I'll remember something that I hated and that brings me back to earth again. I remember reading an article about the differences in the way men and women deal with breakups... that women tend to grieve first, get that out of the way and then recover whereas men tend to put the emotions off and not go through the grieving process till later down the track.. on the whole i think we as men don't tend to cope as well as women with the whole divorce/separation thing but as always no two people are the same. I can definitely relate to how you felt though.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Betrayal and it keeps on happening. Time for leaving the idea of partnerships behind. I honestly don't think men are capable of love... Not really. Lust for many. So better solo. Venus and Mars and all that. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Don't know what happened there but my ramble is about together as I feel. Loss and loss continues - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
I'M FEELING A LOT OF VICARIOUS PAIN RIGHT NOW...so I'll quieten down..soz
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RHP User
10 years ago
I've been separated now since Xmas day just gone. I had been trying to tell my ex for the last couple of years I wasn't happy, I hated my job etc. etc. but all she did was turn her back on me when ever I spoke about it. I finally snapped on Xmas day and walked away from her. She gave me no choice. I still care for her but I am still pretty angry at the way she has treated me and I will never go back to her. Especially after I gave up friends and my own things to keep her happy but was effectively stonewalled in having things in my life that made me happy. I have started to form my own life but like hotdiggetydam I struggle with not having my four kids in my daily life. It hurts and I honestly can't see myself being comfortable with it for a long time. While I say all that above I am sure my ex has some beef about my personality over the years but she doesn't explain or talk about it so I am none the wiser. It is the second time we have been through it and through both experiences I have been highly self critical and have tried to learn and hopefully shape my character to be a better person out of it. I do see finding a partner in crime but they would have to be into things I like doing and also be a willing participant in this scene I am now exploring.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Which I did/have with deaths in the family (google delayed grief). But for the breakup, it was immediate and ongoing. They say that the first loss of love is the hardest, that if it happens again you have learnt some things about how to deal with it, but then again, a new situation might be completely different and hit you even harder. Seeing a psychologist/counsellor is good, if you don't have a shoulder to cry on, at least you have someone to cry to and talk over things with. Without going down the line of prescriptions, there are also natural supplements that do work, to assist with symptoms of depression or other mood variations.
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AnnieWhichway
10 years ago
makes the movie "War of the roses" look like a childrens movie. Last nights effort = 2 fire trucks, 2 police cars and 1 ambulance. Beam me up Scotty. Faaark. Anyone want some relationship advice........
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RHP User
10 years ago
We forget men can go through the same awful pain that we do....youre a really nice guy, always have a smile on your face, just have a ball being single for now and eventually you will be able to open your heart again. Although mine is still firmly closed!
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IamMrSilly
10 years ago
Although I knew it was coming for at least a year before... My separation put me so far off balance and it took me so long to try to find myself again. What got me through was the kids, friends including here on RHP and family. My only advice that worked for me is focus on making your life strong. Make it stable, safe and regain your confidence. Don't reach out immediately for someone else to do that for you, do it for yourself.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I myself have had 2 marriages and Cpl relationships,and I have found each one just has hard as the last,that you reach a point as to how much more can one take,and still I keep moving forward.for me personally its the confidence that I use to have that has been broken down to a point where you believe you cant and wont do better than them,and deep down I know one day I will I keep in touch with one of my exs as we have 2 girls together,as for the others...well they have their new lives no and I wish them the best,but trust is something I struggle with a bit because it has been broken so many times...im slowly getting more and more into a happy place within myself its a work in progress And when I do find myself and love myself like I should,then watch out world lol
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RHP User
10 years ago
We can get wrapped up in our own pain and experience that we can forget that the opposite sex can go through exactly the same pain and emotion that we do.. I've learnt through my journey that the past is the past , it has shaped me , opened my eyes and made me stronger. It also let me see through meeting others ( men) that they too sometimes are not from Mars but in fact have a touch of Venus..I live by the saying now...... "Learn from yesterday, live for today , hope for tomorrow.... "
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RHP User
10 years ago
4 months after my mum was taken from by Glioblastoma I was told our marriage was over. We were in a relationship for 25yrs and married for 18, we just disconnected. I was numb getting my head around mum then empty wondering how and what next. I was on auto pilot for awhile, it wasn't getting any easier or going away so I got help. When I started the counciling I wanted to how to stop it, didn't want to fail and the kids grow up in a broken home. After 8 monthe of running to stand still I accepeted her mind was made up and our future relationship is parenting. We get on amicably and I want our guys to grow up looking back as they grew up in two homes, mums home and dads home. With time and counsiling I come to understand how we got to where we we are, our oldest is special needs and there are whole sets of complications and stress there. The constant negative undertow from stress has disolved and there are five people this effects so I come to look at it and understand what best for all involved, what I wanr and get are two different things sometimes. Our guys will grow up to be men, their good boys so I want to see them set up to be good men (like all parents) so accept I things as part of the bigger picture. They helped soften the blow to, I found myself hugging them more, firmer and longer, what really hurt was imagining the hurt coming there way and they didn't deserve it, truth be know I just wanted to be held. I had the perfect cover when they saw I was upset they talked about nana thinking I was thinking of her. Music was a great help to, some new stuff but more going back to what I grew up with and most comfortable. As for future relationships, I know what didn't or dosen't work and narrowed down what I don't want, so my future options are limited. The closest and most import relationship is our guys. I was on a narrow if not thin path for more then half my life, now I'm on the beginning of a wide open road or singletom here I come. Great question Freya, Cheers. Strenth to all
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RHP User
10 years ago
I don't get how there's no paragraphs, l wrote this on a computer (thanks work) instead of my phone, looks like a rant. Well done rhp. To all doing it tough or done it tough. "Those that don't break us make us stronger"
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RHP User
10 years ago
Thanks for these words HotDiggety, I know we all cope differently but it's been strange times of recent. Really don't know what to make of it.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Try pressing Shift and Enter at the same time, that solved it for me on my laptop.
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