M43

Balancing lifestyles - Vanilla and Swinging

March 31 2025

So bit of background, I got into a LTR/marriage at 18 with my ex wife who was 7 years older, bought a house at 21, marriage at 27, kids and then divorced by 31. I met someone in the lifestyle very soon after and we initially played with other couples, before things became quite vanilla over the 13 years we were together.
I've now been single for almost 4 years and enjoying exploring both the lifestyle and myself as a single adult for the first time ever and had some amazing experiences with people I've met here and at parties.
I had a couple of short situationships last year and against my better judgement, re-joined the dating apps several weeks ago. I've since deleted them but I have met and am getting to know a lady who is really lovely but we've spoken about this lifestyle and she's clear it's not for her.

So finally getting to my question, how have people gone about managing the tricky situation of balancing a vanilla relationship with the lifestyle? I will never cheat or deceive my partner by withholding the truth and feel that given our discussions so far the only option is one or the other.
Can anyone with experience speak to how they navigated this situation and how it worked out? (Probably biased opinions somewhat given the answers will come from people still here and active in the lifestyle 😂)

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MrandMrsEss
2 days ago
Im probably well positioned to respond to this. I had explored extensively in past relationships and Mrs S heard about it all well before we committed to each others she in the other hand had lead the most vanilla life imaginable.
We both went in knowing this and my expectation was it was going to be vanilla all the way, then she got curious and here we are but I have learned (with some mistakes) that this is to go at her pace and for her desires and the slow burn of exploration has been absolutely amazing. More so that any of the frivolous wild times I’ve had in the past.
One you and your girl can tell whether your relationship can cope with the differences, good luck!
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Temptress_T
2 days ago
From my perspective, (married 27 years, together over 30 and in the life style on and off over 20+ years), you are the starting point for any decision. You have to decide what you want and what is right for you. You dont want to go into a relationship and leave any room for regret or feelings of resentment toward them.
Honesty about what you want is key in any relationship and especially this lifestyle
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Blueflamingo
2 days ago
Very interesting topic, something close to where I am myself atm.

If you are leaving the lifestyle, you should ask yourself that the reason is.

Is it because YOU are finished living the lifestyle and truly want to change into vanilla?
Or are you changing your lifestyle because of someone else?

Stay true to yourself, and never stop questioning what is best for you. X
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Felicitous
2 days ago
No experience here for your exact circumstances. Married for 19 years / together 21 exploring this world for the last 6ish in varying ways.. but we are still together and haven't yet asked from each other to not be in this lifestyle.

I think the question you really need to ask yourself is simple.. and the answer can change.
Adding in the future and the past can cloud things for me.
" Right now in this very moment.. do I choose this person or the lifestyle?"
Given it seems a one or the other.
What is your choice in this present moment?

I heard something profound from Annie Grace a reframed alcoholic.. she says, "I drink as much as I want, when I want.. and I haven't wanted to in the last 10 years"

Not that I'm associating this lifestyle with alcohol or addiction - though I guess for some it is like that...

More that you can be in a place of saying I simply don't 'choose' that for myself today.. this option feels better. And that option for you could be vanilla or it could be the lifestyle 🤷🏻‍♀️
Hope something in there helps.
V
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nightingale8
2 days ago
Based on my own experience in wanting a long term relationship - a woman’s interest is whether or not a man can commit to her, values her as unique and important, puts in the hard work into the relationship, will be there for her in thick or thin, does not view her as a ticket to his own self interest and sexual tourism. At the start of a relationship these are the questions more important to answer than whether or not the lifestyle is on the cards. If I were at the start of a relationship I’d have a huge complex about whether he was with me for me, or with me for the lifestyle / convenience. Lucky I don’t have to answer that.

I’d probably not get too involved with someone sexually conservative. Their sex drive and appetite would ideally match yours. That can and does change but speaking more about at the outset so you have a good foundation
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Apples_N_Oranges
a day ago
There is a part of your topic that stands out to us - ‘managing the tricky situation of balancing a vanilla relationship with the lifestyle’. It sounds like you still want to be in the lifestyle, have discussed this with the new lady you are getting to know and she is not up for it, short version - she wants or only knows vanilla, you still want the other flavours (the lifestyle) and you need to make a decision. Is it possible to be in a vanilla relationship while also being in the lifestyle, the fact the one person in a relationship is remaining in the lifestyle (dating, sleeping with others), in our view, makes it a non vanilla relationship. So you’re either managing a vanilla relationship (no lifestyle, no swinging) or a lifestyle (swinging) relationship.
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Balancing lifestyles - Vanilla and Swinging

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