M50

Alright people, I have an issue. Neep help/advice please.

June 05 2011

My wife and I were together for about 5 yrs when she started suggesting spicing up the sex life. She had onl been with two men when I met her, and had also been in relationships with women. She wanted to bring an ex gf of hers into the bedroom. I know this will be hard to believe, but I was againt it. Obviously, as a man, it sounded fantastic, but I was afraid that nothing good could possibly come of it, so I said no. At that point, keep in mind, we had NEVER done anything "wild" or however people might put it. She eventually talked me into it (Ok, it wasn't THAT hard) and all went well. Of course, like anything else, that escalated to the point where we (Although I must say, mostly SHE) always looking for a new way to spice things up. A different girl, a new toy, whatever. Well, I had a good friend that came to live with us for a while, and without going into detail as to how, he was pretty well known for being rather large, like RIDICULOUSLY large. One night he had a female friend over, and to my surprise, my wife and her had discussed "switching" partners for the night. When she brought the idea up to me, my first thought (And I don't know, but I would assume it's a natural fear), was did I really want him fucking my wife. I mean, I'm a realist, and in a way, I guess I kind of wanted her to get to experience that, given her lack of sexual experience with men. I mean, she did, after all, watch a lot of porn, researched online, and went through lots of trouble to become fantastic in bed all for me, cause she was a little insecure about her lack of experience with a man vs my many endeavors with women. With all that said, that was where all the trouble started. She changed ater that night, and admits as much herself. It actually caused us to seperate for two years, and we've only recently gotten back together, about 4 months ago. Now, to fast forward to last Saturday night. I thought I was finally over and done with that whole thing. No more worrying about it, no more wondering if she secretly wanted to be with him again instead of me, etc.. Oh, I have to add something to the above story, can't believe I left it out. The most important part is that I found out later (This is what actually caused the breakup) that she and my friend had actually had sex a couple nights before that behind my back. So for me, I felt that it was her way of getting to have sex with him again, to allow me to have sex with another woman, without her involvement (Like in our threesomes). That might not seem like a big step to you folks, but believe me, there was alway a HUGE difference in her mind between me having sex with HER and another woman, and me just having sex with another woman. So, last Saturday night as we sat by the water out behind the house and talked over a few drinks (I need to add how perfect things have been going since we've been back together), I made a statement something along the lines of how I just wanted to be the best husband she could ever dream of, the best father to our kids, and the best lover she's ever had. Well, all went well till the "lover" part. She paused, hesitated, and did everything but turn and run. Eventually I asked her if I was misreading her, or did she actually pause and avoid eye contact when I made that last statement. She confirmed that she did, cause she "didn't want to lie to me"... I now find myself thinking about that damn night, and its eating me up. Am I being ridiculous, or should I just be happy we are together and she obviously chooses to be with me?

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RHP User

15 years ago

That is one complicated history! I honestly recommend going together to talk with a Psychologist, like a couples counselling type thing. So they can professionally draw out both and all of your feelings and questions for each other and then put all the doubts/issues to bed so to speak. So you can both start chapter 2 of your lives together on the same page. I don't think you dreamed her reaction; it will eat away at you if you don't work through it. Happy healthy relationships take work, and investing in ways to learn to communicate opening about things that aren’t easy is smart, and a great investment into your future. Good luck with what ever you decide.

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RHP User

15 years ago

I agree with boobalicious you should see a professional and most important thing is you need to tell her how it makes you feel communication is the only way it will survive i think if she just reads this blog she should be able to understand what have you got to loose if this is eating you up things are not going to get better good luck and all the best rememeber communication

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RHP User

15 years ago

Some kind of friend huh.. I mean..cutting the grass. And what's with her approach.... let's face it people... .if you're going to cheat.. you can at least have a bit of style about it. I think you two should try a bit of marriage counselling. Obviously she wants to hang out with you, for now... but you need to feel like you're not just a stepping stone until something "better" comes along.HugsStalky

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RHP User

15 years ago

You two need to seek some sort of councelling. You both want this to work and it is going to take more than just a few glasses of wine and pleasant conversation together. Talking about these things is a good start though. You say she changed after than night. Well I guess we all would as our experiences had broadened our outlook. What you need to do is ask yourself why you are not happy with her having sex with others and is this going to be a deal breaker. She was wrong to have sex with your mate yes. Some mate though! He did it as well. I hope the friendship ended. So, correct me if I am wrong, and here I dont want to upset you.... BUT....she is implying then that you are not the best lover she has ever had? Is that how you took her eye contact avoidance to mean? and then that will eat away at your male ego until you cannot stand it anymore and the old arguement resurfaces and you split again. Nothing is ever perfect in an adult relationship. It is constantly evolving and needs constant work. If one of you is always going to be imagining the worst scenario....things are not going to be smooth sailing.

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RHP User

15 years ago

Quoting 'stalky' Some kind of friend huh.. I mean..cutting the grass. And what's with her approach.... let's face it people... .if you're going to cheat.. you can at least have a bit of style about it. I think you two should try a bit of marriage counselling. Obviously she wants to hang out with you, for now... but you need to feel like you're not just a stepping stone until something "better" comes along.HugsStalky For once I agree with Stalky.I must be mad but this time he makes sense...

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RHP User

15 years ago

ha! You know it does. Couple of weeks and you'll be nodding agreeably to everything! Now stare into this shiny wrist watch ... your eyes are getting heavy..... :pHugsS Quoting 'MistressT' For once I agree with Stalky.I must be mad but this time he makes sense...

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RHP User

15 years ago

By the cheeks of your butt hanging over your muscular thighs.

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RHP User

15 years ago

You're not being ridiculous, you are just being real. . As you said "....of how I just wanted to be the best husband she could ever dream of, the best father to our kids, and the best lover she's ever had. . They are actually very beautiful words - intimate. They made me smile :) . And then........ Well, all went well till the "lover" part. She paused, hesitated, and did everything but turn and run...." . Keep it real. You have insight that a relationship takes two people to make and one person to break. If you don't heed the warning of the red flag with counseling of some sort, then you are not fighting for what you believe in. At the end of the day, you have to trust and follow your gut feelings. I really do hope you can work things out and that she realises that she has everything she wants with you.

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RHP User

15 years ago

Coucelling might help but why do you think she wont cheat on you again? I'd be worried about that a bit more than if you're the best lover she's had. You can blame her or your ex mate( i assume) or both for her cheating on you the first time but if it happens again you've got no one to blame but yourself. (Mr)

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RHP User

15 years ago

its unfair and unreasonable to expect that just because you are married to someone they should feel you to be the best lover they've ever had. Chances are you wont be, and odds are that no one will ever marry the one who is. you put her in a position where she had the opportunity to lie to you, but she chose not to. and even told you so. take this fact and work with it, dont make an issue out of her apparent honesty, or she wont trust that you will believe her truths, and the 'lie' will consume every aspect of your relationship. I'd be questioning your honesty and understanding here, not her unwillingness to tell you an untruth.

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Alright people, I have an issue. Neep help/advice please.

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