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50 Shades of CAUTION - Take 2.

November 16 2014

As the movie trailers begin to hit the shelves of the media world I thought this a good time to bring this up again, as did Mistress T when the booked arrived. I extracted this from an anon on a site I was reading once. I post it again for any new kinksters who may be interested in D/s relationships. If you want to more you can skip to the first topic http://redhotpie.com.au/Adult-Forums/Fifty-Shades-of-Caution-38580-Page2 There should be a Dominant. Since he (assuming it is a man that is the dominant, not always true) has the power, he also has the responsibility to the submissive. That includes giving her pleasure, knowing and doing what makes her happy, prodding her to be her best, helping her reach HER goals and dreams, etc . He does not try to shape her in his own preconceived image of what she should be, but instead helps her blossom into the complete and wonderful person that she is. He knows what is her best, what she wants, what is best for her because they have a totally open relationship in communication. The Dom should respect the Sub's advice and point of view, but the decision is his. This assumes the Dom makes decisions not based on ego or emotions, but logically figures out what is the best decision. If the Dom does something that hurts the Sub, she should be able to tell him in an informative manner, not an attacking manner. The Dom will also tell the Sub how he feels about her actions in an non attacking manner. As I have often said, for the relationship to work, both sides must respect the other to not attack and also to trust enough not to assume an attack. That right there, which is a form of a break down in communication, is what causes the most problems in relationships. The Dom should be secure and strong enough to admit when he makes mistake. Doms are not gods, they will make mistake, but once again if the basic assumption is that there is respect and trust on both sides then the mistake will be an honest one. Doms control not by fear, but by building desire in the Sub to obey. Essentially, Doms have the power and they use it to make the life of the sub more complete, happy, not to abuse them. In reality the way it works is that the Dom acts more as a discussion leader then an arbitrary decision maker. By leading the sub through a balanced discussion, including parts of the issue that the sub may be unwilling to face, then the sub can make the right decision for herself. Usually the Dom, because he knows his sub so well (due to the open and honest relationship and the intense intimacy that it brings) , can often see things that the sub cannot or will not admit. Once the sub makes the decision, the Dom supports her, and possibly helps her stay "motivated" (many wonderful ways of doing that :) in implementing the decision. The Submissive should obey her Dom, and strive to please him, for essentially for one reason; because that is what makes her happy (that assumes she trusts and respects him). Notice what I said should be among the things that should please the Dom, prodding her to be her best, helping her to reach HER goals and dreams. Thus, she is motivated to do what she should do by TWO reasons now, first it is what she wants to do, and because it will please her Dom. Because there is open communication (something I demand), if the sub has a problem either what her Dom says or anything else she tells him, she should feel free in telling the Dom her opinion and thoughts, but trust in him to make the fair decision. Most subs start out with what could be called split personalities, a somewhat Dominant, commanding persona, and a submissive, little girl persona which she hides. A good Dom first builds the environment where the submissive can let out the hidden persona and feel safe doing so. It enables the sub to explore her self and her desires and fantasies. Because the Dom accepts ALL of the sub, including the hidden persona (actually if they are like me are attracted to that persona), she should gain strength in her hidden persona, not look at it as a flaw or weakness. This is the key to the D/s relationship, and that is acceptance. In a battle of wills, you do not accept, you fight to win. If someone exposes a weakness, you exploit it for victory. Thus, both partners feel insecure because they have a "secret" persona that one hides and feels threatened by. The key to all of this, as it is in any relationship, is communication both ways. The openness in a D/s relationship is what is missing in most marriages. For one thing, openness, by constantly expressing your thoughts and feelings in a non attacking manner to a partner who is concerned with them, builds intimacy of the mind. Mental intimacy is much more powerful in bonding then physical intimacy. That is why cyber/long distance relationships can be so intense and go so fast, because all you do is communicate, with occassional physical meetings. Mental intimacy also leads to Mind Sex. Mind Sex is the ability to make your partner orgasm with NO physical contact by anyone, including masturbation. Just your mind, her mind and his voice. It creates a new level of intimacy. Unfortunately in most marriages, because there is a battle of wills, one does not want to open up completely for fear of giving something that the other side can use against you. Thus as the battle continues, communication and openness drops, and so does the intimacy of the mind if it really ever existed. People often confuse a D/s relationship with a Controlling one. My former in-laws have that. The man is a controller, where he controls just to have control and is not concerned really at all with his partner's welfare. Generally the controller is so insecure that they have to demonstrate their control over everything, thus they control by using fear.(A Dom builds desire to obey, not fear) The woman meekly obeys out of fear (no physical abuse but some emotional abuse) and "for the good of the kids" even though now the kids have gone. Her spirit has been broken and she survives by doing things behind his back. Her children have told her to leave him, but that is not the way of her generation. Many think this is what is meant by being submissive. It is not. It is being weak, for she constantly gives and never gets back. I personally think in a true complete relationship, both sides get back much more then they put in, for why be in the relationship if you do not benefit from it. Bottom line, the D/s relationship is a circle where both sides concentrate on meeting the needs and desires of the other from their different roles. If one gets pleasure out of pleasing a partner, and that is true of both sides, then the relationship is built on one will, not two and the conflicts (assuming as always, that you have picked the right partner) will be minimal. The relationship will provide you the benefit of having someone you can be TRULY (mentaly) intimate with, and gain strength that comes from exposing your perceived weaknesses and having your weaknesses nurtured and cared for and turned into strengths. It is not about control it is about communication and mental intimacy. Please be careful out there......

Comments

RHP User

11 years ago

Quoting 'inspirit'Bottom line, the D/s relationship is a circle where both sides concentrate on meeting the needs and desires of the other from their different roles. So, in short: BDSM is not about a woman serving a man. Glad we cleared that up.

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MissBishere

11 years ago

thanks inspirit

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RHP User

11 years ago

I am going to make a similar comment in the other 50 shades thread, but in my experience, many of the current problems arise because there are people, mostly men, who only see the superficial actions of D/s and don't understand the theory and principles which underline why we do what we do. If a person just imitates without understanding the reasons for an action, then they are missing out on the true experience and in my view, the whole exercise breaks down. The more that people study the intellectual side of D/s, and other BDSM relationships, and less time on the physical means of inflicting pain, the better it will be for all. We have to know what to do but the why has to come first.

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RHP User

11 years ago

..and so many people get it wrong. I have been approached by "Doms" in here and errrrrr. No Idea what they are doing. People get it mixed up with some kinky sex.

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RHP User

11 years ago

An awesome post. Thank you

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On_Safari

11 years ago

Can I have one of those please whoaybe enjoys a bit of switching it up a notch?

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RHP User

11 years ago

Most subs start out with what could be called split personalities, a somewhat Dominant, commanding persona, and a submissive, little girl persona which she hides. A good Dom first builds the environment where the submissive can let out the hidden persona and feel safe doing so. It enables the sub to explore her self and her desires and fantasies. Because the Dom accepts ALL of the sub, including the hidden persona (actually if they are like me are attracted to that persona), she should gain strength in her hidden persona, not look at it as a flaw or weakness. This part hit me right in the feels... I think that's probably the most elusive thing to find in a Dom. When you're a strong, independent woman who is completely in control in all aspects of her life, finding someone who you trust enough to let all of that go and surrender completely is incredibly difficult. The search continues.....

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RHP User

11 years ago

Sometimes we can just find a man who would like to also learn and there begins a great partnership built on trust as you journey together. KIS have you tried Fetlife?

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RHP User

11 years ago

I am aware it exists but I haven't joined up. How's your experience been with it?

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RHP User

11 years ago

I don't have the patience for it. Though I do want to go too some Munchie meets to meet some like minded. I saw they had one at the Brisbane the other week but I was busy..

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RHP User

11 years ago

sexy and alluring and a little bit mystical.

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RHP User

11 years ago

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RHP User

11 years ago

I have taken years to work all that out, yet never haver been able to enunciate the issues so clearly. Perhaps get it printed on a poster, like the Desiderata of the "70s. Stuck on the back of the toilet door, it helped me sort a lot of issues out. This would have been a great addendum! - Posted from rhpmobile

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RHP User

11 years ago

I was in the wrong kind of D/s friendship. Little did I know way back then. - Posted from rhpmobile

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RHP User

11 years ago

I hope to find this ❤️ thank u - Posted from rhpmobile

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RHP User

11 years ago

Its a 2 way street as sub serves master and visa versaand in most cases a stronger bond than marriage.To describe it would be hard but unlike a vanilla thereis a strong mental bond and a huge trust.My subs trust me be it the full time or trainees andwhen the blossom its feels like being a proud dad.

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50 Shades of CAUTION - Take 2.

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