M53
1001 jokes to piss ya pants!
November 16 2014
Comments
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Threesome Twosome you sir are handsome
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'inspirit' Threesome Twosome you sir are handsome I made that joke to someone here once, and he said thank you. Q. What is the difference between hungry and horny? A. Where you put the cucumber.
-
WidowMale
11 years ago
Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free. They only had a dollar in change between them. “ I’ve got it, follow me.” said the first man.They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. “We’ll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I’ll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off.”The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds.When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer. The bartender tells them, “That will be five dollars.”The first man stands up and unzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.“You faggots!” screams the bartender. “Get the hell out of here!”They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees. The bartender throws them out.After the sixth bar the second man complains, “Man this isn’t working out so well, My knees are killing me!”“You think you’ve had it bad,” the first man exclaims. “I lost the hot dog four bars ago!”
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Wife: "I look fat, can you give me a compliment"Husband: "You have perfect eyesight" When Johnny's teacher asked him why he brought his cat to school he replied "because I heard my dad tell my mum that he was going to eat that pussy once I left for school"
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Q ; why do women wear make up and perfume ? A; because they're ugly and they stink !!! That is so not true or funny pfftt pft - Posted from rhpmobile
-
RHP User
11 years ago
“A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.”
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Smoke for a poke ? 2 for a screw ?Imagine what a packet could do !!
-
RHP User
11 years ago
There was a young lady from Durim, Who met a young gentleman from Blight, She offered her honour to him, And he honoured her offer to him, And so it went through the night, Honour, Offer, Honour, Offer, Honour, Offer ...
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Most women have a little bit of intelligent DNA in them. Sadly most choose to spit it out.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
I decided to go to the Mosque for the first time to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said "by the will of Allah the Almighty and the Prophet Muhammad you will walk today."I told him I was not paralysed and could walk quite well.He came back later and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing.Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.After the prayers I stepped outside and lo and behold...... my car had been stolen.
-
WidowMale
11 years ago
I noticed two lesbians kissing in the bar and thought it would be a good chance to answer my query. I asked, "What exactly is it about dicks that you don't like?" One of them replied, "They ask stupid fucking questions.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
What is a man's idea of safe sex? A padded headboard - Posted from rhpmobile
-
kimarianne
11 years ago
Why do men sound so intelligent during sex?????They are plugged in to a genioushehe
-
RHP User
11 years ago
A man who is accused stands while the judge reads out the charges.... "You are charged with the murder by hammer of John Doe and Joanne Doe..." A voice from the public gallery is heard yelling "YOU BASTARD!!" The judge continues "it's also that master doe was also killed by you..." Once again "YOU BASTARD!!!" The judge then stops to address the interjector..."sir sit down at once or else I'll have you charged with contempt!!!" The voice replies "sorry your honor but I've lived next door to this bastard for 14 years and every time I asked him to borrow a hammer he said he didn't own one!!!" - Posted from rhpmobile
-
Plain280
11 years ago
A woman was wondering around in the spiritual world and stopped by the pearly gates and started talking to the gate keeper, who in a booming voice asked. And what brings you to the pearly gates m lady, to which she replied, oh just wandering around in the spiritual world trying to sort out my troubles. The gate keeper boomed and pray what might they be? The woman answered I have been kicked out of hell the devil has given me a restraining order, saying that I was too demanding!! The gate keeper boomed, please do tell are you skilled in the arts of BDSM as you seemed to be dressed in a similar manner?? I am skilled in that pursuit the lady replied. Intrigued the date keeper asked some pertinent questions, are you familiar with rack and stretching a person if they have sinned badly? the lady answered yes gatekeeper. To which she added I am also skilled with the whip, restraints and torture, encasing the subject in rubber, tying and hanging them by their kit until they swear undying desire for me, I specialise in hot wax over the chest and back and tearing it off and myriads of other tortures sir. IN fact anything that could break a mans spirit is my are always saints, priests and others who needed to be put in line after their trysts with evil according to the scriptures. As he was about to speak an assorted collection of manly arms reached out and pulled the woman in through the pearly gates of heaven saying she will do anybody but that old git that we have to put up with to spoil our fun. The woman protested what about my needs my sexual needs, to which they all answered, we only know the missionary position but if you are willing to teach us what you want we wont object. The women finally came to her senses so this is heaven, I get many subject to inflict pain and all sorts of fetishes to my hearts content and I get to teach these willing subjects what I want sexually, THIS INDEED IS HEAVEN and THE DEVIL IS A WIMP!!??
-
Rembrandt1
11 years ago
It is not until a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realise that violence is not always the answer!
-
WidowMale
11 years ago
While walking through the park, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?''I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.'You've gotta be kiddin' me.''No, would you like to give it a try?'Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...'So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'.He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...
-
RHP User
11 years ago
An Aussie is travelling through remote Mexico and stops at a bar in the middle of nowhere for a drink, orders a cold beer and spies a large jar full of money on the bar with a sign saying "$10 and if you can make the Donkey laugh you win all the money". Anyway the guy stays for awhile and sees a steady stream of punters filling up the jar with $10 notes with no success, so he decodes to pay $10 and have a go. The barman takes him out the back and shows him where the Donkey is. A few minutes later all in the Pub could hear the Donkey laughing his head off. The barman pays the Aussie all of the money in the jar and he continues his travels...... A couple of months later the Aussies returns on his way back and again stops at the bar. He notes the jar is full again but this time the sign says "$10 and if you can make the Donkey cry you will win the money". The man again stays for awhile again noting a steady stream of punters paying $10 and going out the back, only to return dejected. After awhile the man pay his $10 and asks the barman if he can have a go, sure the barman says (thinking as he had changed the rules the man could not possibly win again). Anyway the barman showed the man out back again to where the Donkey was, a few minutes later all in the bar heard the Donkey crying, terrible sound it was (aaaaaw..eh...aaaaaw...). The barman comes up to the man and asks in amazement "how did you get the Donkey to laugh the first time you were here. Easy the man said, I told the Donkey I had a bigger cock than him. Oh, said the barman, but how did you know get the Donkey to cry just now. The man said, I showed him ....:-)
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Little Mary was walking her puppy when the priest stopped her. He says' "Hello Mary, that's a cute puppy, what's his name?"Little Mary replies "Piggy"The priest says "That's not a very nice name for a puppy, why do you call him Piggy?" Little Mary replies "Because he fucks pigs"
-
WidowMale
11 years ago
-
WidowMale
11 years ago
Had a fight with an ERECTION this morning, Beat it Single Handed!!!!!!
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Guy goes into a bar and orders a beer, barman gets his beer and hands it over, guy says "thank you spanner", Barman says my name is Bob. Next night the same guy comes in to the bar and orders a beer from the same barman, gets his beer and say "thank you spanner". Barman says my name is Bob.This goes on for several weeks and the barman finally calls the guy out on it, he say you always come into the bar and order a beer then call me spanner, and I always tell you my name is Bob, why is that. The guy looks at the barman an says "because every time I come in to this bar and see you, you tighten my nuts"
-
Smilingwithfun
11 years ago
A man was watching TV & flicking between 2 channels. One had the football on & the other was a raunchy movie. He turned to his wife & said, i can't decide which to watch, she replied, you already know how to play football so watch the movie.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
A lovely blond comes chugging into to local servo and asks the mechanic to have a look. After about a hour the mechanic fixes the problem and the blond asks what was the verdict ? Crap in the carby , says the mechanic. Ohh really ' how often do I have to do that ??
-
RHP User
11 years ago
A penguin was out for a drive along the beach on a lovely summer's day, when his car broke down. While waiting for the mechanic to arrive, he bought an icecream, and, being a rather messy eater, managed to spread it all around his mouth, down his neck, and all over his front.Presently, the mechanic arrived, and looked over the engine to see what the problem was.He turned to the penguin and said, "Looks like you've blown a seal." "Oh no, this is just icecream!"
-
RHP User
11 years ago
How do you tell happy sperm from sad sperm? Happy sperm has egg on its face 😝😜
-
RHP User
11 years ago
A bloke sees his ex-wife with her new lover and decides to wind him up so he shouts over "How's the second-hand pussy?" Quick as a flash, her lover replies "Great! After the first three inches, it's like brand new."
-
RHP User
11 years ago
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."
-
RHP User
11 years ago
My girlfriend takes me by the hand and leads me down to the games room. She gets on top of the snooker table and onto her hands and knees. She's got on a skirt and I can see she's not wearing any knickers. She says, "Pink or brown. Take your pick." I said, "How the fuck can I play snooker when you're on the table?!" Stupid cow.
Boards
-
Hot Topics
Topics: 15123 Comments: 88158
-
Girls Ask
Topics: 1417 Comments: 10229
-
Guys Ask
Topics: 2521 Comments: 11677
-
Couples' Corner
Topics: 2506 Comments: 9759
-
Swingers Lifestyle
Topics: 1009 Comments: 5264
-
Fetish & Fantasy
Topics: 1303 Comments: 5776
-
Hot Travel
Topics: 782 Comments: 1988
-
LGBT
Topics: 170 Comments: 867
Forum help
-
Something related with that
-
Going somewhere & want to hook up?
-
Hasn't that topic been posted before?
RHP's popular dating tool
-
Where the heck did that topic go?
Discover what RHP is doing offline
-
RHP member's RL secrets
reply
like
Share