F48
10 Questions About Open Relationships
March 27 2012
Comments
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RHP User
14 years ago
I bought that book ages ago. It's on my bedside table next to my sex diary and my Manhood book. None of which have been read. I've never actually answered these questions b4 so if you want a comprehensive and considered answer please wait for the Ethical Slut ~ Stalky Edition. :p Off the cuff:1) Everyone has their own way of dealing with this stuff. Some people carry on about it and make it real complicated and contrived, through hours/weeks/years of deep and meaningful, feeling that it has to be that way.. and for them it probably does.. whereas others keep the rules really simple.. the kiss principle... for example in my case... Stay out of prison and never ask the kind of question you don't really want to know the answer to. Of course, you need to do what works for you. My life is complicated enough, so I enjoy simple rules for life. the Ten Commandments.... is really nine too many.2) Yes. hehe.3) Love, longevity, sharing our daily lives, friends and experiences, commitment to success for each other and our common goals, with enough liberated independence to grow yourself.4) See #1 above.5) Yes. Physical boundaries. Home for me, is a private safe haven into which I can retreat, find food, shelter, love and comfort... not some unknown person's lost underwear.6) Some things are difficult to ignore. If you can be mindful, these can often be resolved using "I feel" sentences rather than the confrontational "stuff you" type of sentences.7) Trust and mutual support in private and in public.8) Single only. See #1.9) I want to make sure my lover is as happy and stress free as can be.... and that so am I. I think I can work on that goal making improvements until the day I die.10) Watch each others back.... but resist the temptation to stab it no matter how pissed off you feel in the heat of the moment.HugsStalky
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'Stalky'I bought that book ages ago. It's on my bedside table next to my sex diary and my Manhood book. None of which have been read. I've never actually answered these questions b4 so if you want a comprehensive and considered answer please wait for the Ethical Slut ~ Stalky Edition. :p Off the cuff:1) Everyone has their own way of dealing with this stuff. Some people carry on about it and make it real complicated and contrived, through hours/weeks/years of deep and meaningful, feeling that it has to be that way.. and for them it probably does.. whereas others keep the rules really simple.. the kiss principle... for example in my case... Stay out of prison and never ask the kind of question you don't really want to know the answer to. Of course, you need to do what works for you. My life is complicated enough, so I enjoy simple rules for life. the Ten Commandments.... is really nine too many. Thanks Stalky. As usual, I agree with you on basically every point you've made here. . I would love to read The Ethical Slut ~ Stalky Edition. I have no doubt it would make for an absolutely rivetting, hilarious, butt- clenching, rollicking good read! Please put this on your list of things to do whilst avoiding work. . Flirty x
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RHP User
14 years ago
I have had a lot of them.. ummm.. well.. from MY perspective they were... my partners seldom knew of that ruling though.. In my justification, I dont believe the human was MEANT to be monogamous... neaither male NOR female.. But.. it too long to go into.. so.. shoot me.. and I may shut up :) caveman
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RHP User
14 years ago
I agree with the belief that humans weren't designed to be monogamous. I respect those who choose it but I think it should be just that - a choice, not a societal imposition.
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RHP User
14 years ago
From what I have seen here on RHP and another similar site, for a good proportion the term 'Open Relationship' really means 'openning the back door to sneak out whilst the spouse has no idea what I am doing' .... lol
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'flirty_bi_fem' I would love to read The Ethical Slut ~ Stalky Edition. I have no doubt it would make for an absolutely rivetting, hilarious, butt- clenching, rollicking good read! Please put this on your list of things to do whilst avoiding work. . Flirty x Well, we have kinda have been reading Stalky's edition of The Ethical Slut these past few years Flirty, haven't we?I actually have Stalky & this forum to thank for changing how I view alot of things, such as relationships, sex and monogamy. And for the better too, even if my vanilla friends think I have been possessed by the devil. xxMeeks
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RHP User
14 years ago
Whilst I love your input in the forums and in this instance, take your point and appreciate your definition, I suspect you've either wandered into the wrong thread, or not quite read my (albeit, awfully long) post properly. Please say hi to the cynics for me over in the other All Men Are Bastards threads on the go at the moment. For now, I'm happy to camp out here and wait for those in genuine open relationships to contribute if they dare! :-D
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'flirty_bi_fem' Whilst I love your input in the forums and in this instance, take your point and appreciate your definition, I suspect you've either wandered into the wrong thread, or not quite read my (albeit, awfully long) post properly. Please say hi to the cynics for me over in the other All Men Are Bastards threads on the go at the moment. For now, I'm happy to camp out here and wait for those in genuine open relationships to contribute if they dare! :-D Flirty, I do apologise for hijacking your post, but I did kind of mention the topic at least. And you must admit my take on the term 'Open relationship' is probably closer to the truth here than most of us would think. And I don't think I am being cynical, more truthful than anything probably.Good luck Flirty, I do hope you get some genuine responses here from the right people.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Flirty, I have not had an open relationship so I can't really answer all your questions, but I would think that total open communication and some rules/boundaries would be essential to having a successful open relationship. I don't care who you are, it's human to feel uncertainties and jealousy sometimes, so if you don't have the above things I would think that the jealousy could get out of control quite quickly. Or is that my Italian blood talking?? You would both need to be comfortable with the rules/arrangement you have decided upon. Though I don't think that you can cater to every scenario, it would have to be a work in progress thing I think. As new situations arise or new feelings develop that is the time to talk about them. But you do both have to talk about them otherwise you are doomed to fail. Just my opinion though. I do know that some couples have the don't ask, don't tell rule. I can see how this work too, but for me I think the not knowing would drive me nuts and I would start imagining all sorts of things. Such as a 18 year old hottie with big jugs who should be on the cover of a magazine is going my man. So I don't think this arrangement could work for me personally. I hate to feel excluded, and I think after awhile it would feel like we were keeping secrets from each other. But each to their own. I suppose what I am trying to say, for me personally, I would have to have honesty and completely open communication in order to have an open relationship with someone. I want to feel like I am the Number 1 wife at all times. :) xxMeeks
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RHP User
14 years ago
Mooka, I do admit your take on the term may be a fair assumption to make here, although in saying that, I am yet to stumble across one of these people who purport to be in open relationships that are in essence, just one way traffic. I suppose I have been lucky. It's a 'niche market' that people in open relationships operate in on RHP. When I was in my last open relationship, we both stated clearly that the interested party was free to contact the 'other' if they sought clarification, although that wasn't all that necessary as we each had a single profile and a couples profile (that referenced our own profiles) and that effectively validated our relationship status. . Meeka, total open communication is in my belief and experience, the foundation, the cornerstone of any relationship, although it actually becomes the life blood of the open relationship. And I tend to agree with almost everything you say here. Open and full disclosure can definitely be the harder route to take at times, sometimes it is uncomfortable and can make you vulnerable. But if it's maintained by both people, it is in fact much easier than lying and living a lie. . Flirty x
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RHP User
14 years ago
1) Prior- We spoke about swinging throughout our relationship and more recently about opening up our relationship. We had been monogamous for 13 years of our 14 year relationship. We agreed that both are important parts of sexual and social development for both of us but especially for me as I had only been with with one lover since I was 16 (14 years) and never with another man as an adult. We jumped in the deep end and have started doing both.We both agree to NSA friendships which of course involve emotion but not the attachment which we share. Ours is not an open marriage- WOW! marriage take heaps of work and there is no way either of us have the time, energy or need to invest in another primary relationship- we are lucky and cursed to have each other! LOL :)I need to explore my sexual prowess and he is a wonderful man/partner/lover and nothing gives me more pleasure than seeing or knowing that he gets and gives pleasure in special little moments of his own- it feels so natural and a form of intimacy to me :D He needs to explore his sexuality as well and we feel that in allowing each other this freedom we are part of it and we take pleasure in giving that to each other instead of cheating or being unfulfilled.We have agreed that it is a learning curve where the rules can't be fully worked out in advance so we are patient, understanding, flexible, we adjust the terms as needed and are sympathetic to each other as we go along.2) Special to us- The love and mental/ emotional attachment and admiration that we share all the rest is physical, sexual social and emotional.3) Our difference- No one knows us or loves us more than each other.4) Rules/ terms- We discuss it before if it's planned and give as much detail as possible, we have a spontaneous random sex act clause too and we just tell each other asap :) We have personal safety measures. If either of us say no to someone for any or no reason, or a gut feeling we respect it and it stands no hang ups. We don't get too emotionally involved in single people's life especially if they are a bit needy or dramatic.5) Self impositions- I just don't let myself get attached I keep my priorities straight and I have perspective on what my motivations are. I have realised through experience that I have control of how I feel and I do not get caught up in needing the attention, flattery, validation etc that I receive from another person. I treat the special moments I share with others (one on one) as ephemeral and limited. I expect the same from my partner oh and we don't get with others unless our sex lives are to both our satisfaction. we play just us, we swing and we play separately and try to keep it as balanced as possible.6) Challenges- just learning curves.... how to better approach swingers parties, Who not to be too much of a shoulder for, What sort of person to consider for one on one, how best to screen single men for it to work for us (MFM). How to include each other, be respectful and better communicate. How to make it safer.7) Most important- I don't think trust is the most important thing as it is normal to have trust issues in the beginning- I think honest and open communication is paramount as that forms the basis for trust to grow and strengthen + commitment to the relationship and working together- there will be always ups and downs....oh and a GSOH- might as well try make some fun and deepen the relationship. Make those ups and downs happen faster and faster and deeper- preferably with someone on top of you or under you til you both orgasm ;)8) Profiles-I had a singles one because I thought it better for seeking females to play with alone and I use it for forums and I 99% of the time manage our profile- My status said attached and all was spelled out clearly and face pics of us both in public gallery. I just changed it to a couples one because we want to just be found by couples and will seek out M and F as we have the chance to- felt like a huge ever growing short list that we could never get to the bottom of- so didn't want to string ppl along. I have no issue with either approaches.9) Value most- The honesty, openness and understanding of each other. The acceptance of our human nature's and ourselves, the embracing of our needs, pleasures, our growth and development both individually and together.10) Advice- Be honest- even if you don't agree on something do not try to placate the situation by not saying what you truly think and feel....... your openness *will* form the basis of the trust that will see you through- the disagreement can be worked out, terms re-negotiated especially the case as things change as over time they will invariably do so and it is that communication that make's it work for us. To us it's not about happy or easy it's about intimacy, realness, meaningfulness, truth and working through things together. Be flexible and don't get attached to ideas or people- Keep perspective the most important thing is the caring of each other as in most cases natural doubts and fears will occur. Showing that you can let go, compromise and at times concede if needed demonstrates that your priorities are with your partner and forms the solid foundation for give and take in the future as confidence grows. And hey it may not be for you both but there is only one way to find out.Being sexually attracted to others is natural IMO......Some people think having an open relationship is 'putting it all on the line' in fear that she or he may find someone better and leave. I see hiding natural feelings, being unable to be real, honest and open with your partner is disrespectful to yourself, your partner and your relationship......and there is a higher risk of dissatisfaction and infidelity of the attached kind but the thing is they are more likely to hide it and live a lie.I see option 1 as smarter- Worse case scenario- it ends. Your partner ends up living a happier life or one of regret. Your life turns a knew corner and as a person you grow and most likely they will regret it and learn what is important to them, re prioritise and the relationship will be stronger than ever could have been.Cass xxx Ever the idealist but without it our reality and our intimacy would be limited- it works for us.You see, idealism detached from action is just a dream. But idealism allied with pragmatism, with rolling up your sleeves and making the world bend a bit, is very exciting. It's very real. It's very strong. Bono quotes Scratch the surface of most cynics and you find a frustrated idealist...someone who made the mistake of converting his ideals into expectations. Peter Senge quotes
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RHP User
14 years ago
That was bigger than I had thought!!! Oh well no one can say I am not thorough Cass xxx
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'multiples_xxx'That was bigger than I had thought!!! Oh well no one can say I am not thorough Cass xxx . And I concur. With all of it. Thanks for taking the time to do that Cass, I enjoyed your perspective . I'm usually left apologising for my Tolstoy efforts when I post a forum topic, but on this occasion, if nothing else, perhaps people who are living this lifestyle successfully and/or rationalising a non-monogamous philosophy in their own minds, can benefit from this discussion somehow ... . The Bono quote is a favourite of mine too . Flirty x
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RHP User
14 years ago
Hi ...I'm not going to go the full response yet..so just thought I'd add a few comments..will eventually answer your ten points..My husband and I are in an open relationship..yes a 'real' one..he is constantly been defamed as some kind of player by women on this site who dont get it..even when he is honest about it..We have a couples profile and he did have a single one, but stated he was in an open relationship..but that was way too much trouble, explaining again and again to suspicious women..As part of the process of opening up we did a lot of internal work , communicating and referring to professionals..a really good idea is to read as much as you can..Ethical slut, opening up (Tristan Taormino..who also wrote a fabulous book on female ejaculation), Open (Jenny Block)..etc..visit your local poly/open group..theres a great one here in Perth..go and see a poly/open friendly counsellor etc ...but most importantly talk, talk, talk....we constantly communicate, check in and talk some more...and also realise that you are going to f*** up too..its going to be a learning curve..huge. Contracts..absolutely..and go back to them again and again..Taormino's book even gives guidelines on this. x love and light em xx
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RHP User
14 years ago
I love everything about this post. We as a couple do not define ourselves as any one thing. We are constantly evolving.Thank you Thank you.... Ethical Slut. Great Book.Great Topic
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RHP User
14 years ago
"Meeka, total open communication is in my belief and experience, the foundation, the cornerstone of any relationship, although it actually becomes the life blood of the open relationship. And I tend to agree with almost everything you say here. Open and full disclosure can definitely be the harder route to take at times, sometimes it is uncomfortable and can make you vulnerable. But if it's maintained by both people, it is in fact much easier than lying and living a lie.".Flirty xI agree with you Flirty about the honest, open communication including not lying by omission. Being uncompromisingly and totally honest is the way to gain real trust, which as you say is "the cornerstone of all relationships" as they deepen in intimacy . I suppose some do it out of distance from each other, a lack of intimacy with a dependency on each other. They may have some sort of companionship- others stay together for kids and are out of love. For us it is an extension of our deep and true love and our intimacy :)I love your profile. I would like to see your answers to the 10 q's and see if you can beat my record hehe ;)I wonder how much of a niche market we are? Cass xxxOkay so I have thought of several more "worse case scenario's" lol but that can happen with monogamy :P
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RHP User
14 years ago
Worth noting that jealousy/ possessiveness occur when monogamous as well and they are normal feelings and exist in open relationships too alongside fear of loss and insecurity. Thing is how you deal with it when you feel it do you let fester, squash it with positivity, entertain it, humour it, let it take over, talk about it or put it in perspective? We all have brains that can control our feelings no matter how wired or conditioned we are to feel them. No point pretending that monogamy reduces the risk of loss/ hurt or pain- to the contrary I think when you start acting out of fear and jealousy and become possessive you push people away.Cass xxx
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'NorthernTantra' My husband and I are in an open relationship..yes a 'real' one..he is constantly been defamed as some kind of player by women on this site who dont get it..even when he is honest about it..Yes, this is unfortunately a reality for the male much more than for the female and was an issue for me during mine. There was a definite imbalance in opportunity which can be hard to work around. Although in saying that, couples who swing are often faced with similar imbalances too. As part of the process of opening up we did a lot of internal work , communicating and referring to professionals..a really good idea is to read as much as you can..Ethical slut, opening up (Tristan Taormino..who also wrote a fabulous book on female ejaculation), Open (Jenny Block)..etc.. All good and credible information sources and we read parts of Taormino and Block. I wish I had read the Ethical Slut sooner ... Alas, hindsight ... go and see a poly/open friendly counsellor etc ... I love that poly friendly professionals even exist! but most importantly talk, talk, talk....we constantly communicate, check in and talk some more...and also realise that you are going to f*** up too..its going to be a learning curve..huge. Contracts..absolutely..and go back to them again and again..Taormino's book even gives guidelines on this. x love and light em xx Absolutely agree. The relationship, any relationship, should be a constant work in progress and fluid and flexible in all the right places Quoting 'Needau22'I love everything about this post. We as a couple do not define ourselves as any one thing. We are constantly evolving. Thank you Thank you.... Ethical Slut. Great Book. Great Topic Thanks for contributing. Labels and definitions can be very ... rigid. Quoting 'multiples_xxx' Being uncompromisingly and totally honest is the way to gain real trust, which as you say is "the cornerstone of all relationships" as they deepen in intimacy . Totally agree Cass! The benefits far outweigh any initial discomfort I love your profile. I would like to see your answers to the 10 q's and see if you can beat my record hehe ;) Thanks! I rather like your profile too! :-D And I will attempt to answer them myself as soon as I get time to write it all down. I wonder how much of a niche market we are? I only say niche because I consider non-monogamy and poly and/or open relationships to be a philosophy, as opposed to a 'lifestyle choice'. As is regularly evidenced around here, many people just dont "get it". And that's fine, but how awesome is it when you meet someone who does??? :-) Worth noting that jealousy/ possessiveness occur when monogamous as well and they are normal feelings and exist in open relationships too alongside fear of loss and insecurity. Thing is how you deal with it when you feel it do you let fester, squash it with positivity, entertain it, humour it, let it take over, talk about it or put it in perspective? We all have brains that can control our feelings no matter how wired or conditioned we are to feel them. No point pretending that monogamy reduces the risk of loss/ hurt or pain- to the contrary I think when you start acting out of fear and jealousy and become possessive you push people away. That is such a good point you make and yet it can be easy to forget that in any relationship. I have taken on a slightly enlightened view on the emotion that is jealousy since reading this book. I am learning a lot about myself along the way and even though I consider myself to be VERY openminded, I am having a few of my beliefs challenged and I love when this happens... Flirty x
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RHP User
14 years ago
and excuse my naivety but I was just curious as to whether they keep track of Topic and Post lengths? We may have two trophy winners right here.
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Paradisepair
14 years ago
Rather than write a novel I might just focus on the first point. As a couple we've possibly over analyzed our leap into non-monogamy. We talked a lot once the subject was raised. We started our relationship years ago with no strings, happily entangled ourselves, raised the topic of a FMF threesome over a decade ago, and probably should have had 'the conversation' quite some time before we actually did. A brush with the concept of infidelity with a serial cheater opened us up to the idea of going the other way... Honesty instead of dishonesty, trying something different together. Dan Savage is my relationship guru so the idea of laying our kink cards on the table and becoming manogamish was familiar and gave me the tools to explain what was going on in my head. That was a hard discussion, followed by more hard discussion and lots of fun easy ones. We're perfectly matched as life partners so it follows that we like the same things.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'jensman1903'and excuse my naivety but I was just curious as to whether they keep track of Topic and Post lengths? We may have two trophy winners right here. .And if you travel back over the last couple of years, I do have prior form for lengthy posts if I feel strongly enough about something I certainly hope I'm not boring you jensman1903 ... . There is a trophy and Cass and I could likely jelly wrestle for it I guess, except that I think Chasing Midnight holds it and I really don't see him giving it up too easily. . Flirty x
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'Paradisepair'Rather than write a novel I might just focus on the first point. As a couple we've possibly over analyzed our leap into non-monogamy. We talked a lot once the subject was raised. We started our relationship years ago with no strings, happily entangled ourselves, raised the topic of a FMF threesome over a decade ago, and probably should have had 'the conversation' quite some time before we actually did. A brush with the concept of infidelity with a serial cheater opened us up to the idea of going the other way... Honesty instead of dishonesty, trying something different together. Dan Savage is my relationship guru so the idea of laying our kink cards on the table and becoming manogamish was familiar and gave me the tools to explain what was going on in my head. That was a hard discussion, followed by more hard discussion and lots of fun easy ones. We're perfectly matched as life partners so it follows that we like the same things. . SO glad you mentioned one of my favourite blogs. Savage Love has been a staple in my reading diet for a few years now and Dan Savage just makes very good sense, doesn't he? The whole GGG ideology is actually far easier to practice than many would think.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'flirty_bi_fem' I agree with the belief that humans weren't designed to be monogamous. I respect those who choose it but I think it should be just that - a choice, not a societal imposition. It's like anything else really regarding relationships and situations, straight gay bi etc It is completely up to the individual . For me it is not a choice, just like my sexual orientation. It is hardwired in me that when in a relationship I am totally dedicated to my lover I have nothing against open relationships and swinging however it is not for me at all. I can understand swinging and open relationships, but also realise that there are many more things to consider when opening up your relationship. friends of mine go through major arguements and still have major issues of trust when their relationships are meant to be open. My question is when you have opened up the intimate moments between you and your partner what defines you relationship from other people? Again I am not against open relationships
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'flirty_bi_fem' .And if you travel back over the last couple of years, I do have prior form for lengthy posts if I feel strongly enough about something I certainly hope I'm not boring you jensman1903 ... . Flirty xYou are definitely anything but boring.
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Paradisepair
14 years ago
Agreed F_b_F, no better read out there.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Jokerza- It's the Love that makes it differ and the trust built and others come and go, or stay but there is not the same attachment. Arguments, fears, trust issues and insecurities are in all relationships it is how we choose to manage them or let them get out of control that defines the relationship whether open or not. I agree it's not for everyone it depends on where you are and where your relationship is at. I see it as an extension of ours. To each , their own.Paradise Pair- That's great :)Flirty- Ha jelly wrestling, I'm in for sure, have not tried that ;) and I dare say so would CM would go all out for that trophy or would that be 3 trophies he would be going for!Cass xxx
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RHP User
14 years ago
There are plenty of "Poly" communities and websites where people share the practical limitations and benefits - but not here Best Regards Mr. SR
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ExcitableCouple
14 years ago
I find this topic absolutely fascinating. I think monogamy is a learned behaviour, it seems unnatural to me, to expect 1 person to complete my puzzle, puzzles have many pieces & I like to think of each piece as a person & therefore a relationship. Each relationship as unique as the ppl involved. My 'primary' r'ship is with my gorgeous man. We committed ourselves to each other when I was in my early 20s. He's 11yrs older. He felt & still feels strongly that my commitment to him in life, should not extinguish the exploration & experiences I would otherwise have had if I was still flying solo. What's the harm of welcoming other ppl into our sacred space so long as we both continue to feel like these ppl/person is adding to the dynamic?!! The more ppl I meet in my life the better, friendship/sexual r'ship, it all simply adds to my development & growth as a human. This cannot be successful (I think) for anyone who is not honest with themselves. Trust is paramount. Communication is vital. Change is guaranteed. Could go on & on but 1 finger typing on this tablet keyboard = shiiiit. K :)
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RHP User
12 years ago
Dear Flirty............ I am still waiting for my copy of the Ethical Slut to be returned.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100'Dear Flirty............ I am still waiting for my copy of the Ethical Slut to be returned. Can I borrow it next?
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RHP User
12 years ago
I just realised I have been waiting for it for two years!!!!! LMAO!
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RHP User
12 years ago
All I want to add that is they can be funbut have found jealousy a pain in the ass.Oh and a woman can be ugly with no teethand still get a guy 20 years younger.LMAO
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RHP User
12 years ago
Shame it can't be said for old crusty men, hey Chev. Must be tough, but you should let the bitterness get you down.
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RHP User
12 years ago
shouldn't I mean **
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'chevtrek' All I want to add that is they can be funbut have found jealousy a pain in the ass.Oh and a woman can be ugly with no teethand still get a guy 20 years younger.LMAO But you know what I honestly think Chev, when you make these comments. I often shake my head at the desperation of some men... you never paint a very good picture of men and what they are like to be honest. So I am not sure if you are a man hater or a woman hater? I did think that you were a little... let's just say I thought you were "slow" so I gave you the benefit of the doubt but this comment has made me realise that you are troll.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Chevtrek, go and find a website that caters for jaded, dimwitted mysoginists.
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On_Safari
12 years ago
What happens if you don't trust yourself to voice everything you want to say and you're uncertain if your partner in this wants to know the inner workings of your mind let alone share his?
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100' Dear Flirty............ I am still waiting for my copy of the Ethical Slut to be returned. First edition I guess?Sex at dawn is another great read.
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On_Safari
12 years ago
He is my Lover of what I consider a long term (well over a year) not my partner....I don't have a partner. He does. Generally I'm brutally honest with him in all things....but fear holds me back on others because I honestly don't know where I stand. I mean I know the boundaries of our "relationship" and that he enjoys me......if he has "emotion based feelings" for me he doesn't vocalise them. He wishes to explore sexual freedom outside his primary because she isn't interested. I have urged him to discuss this with her but he is adamant after having tried and failed. He does not have any other sexual playmates, of this I am certain. He is not a player. I want to explore a couples scenario with someone I feel "connected" to who I believe cares about my part in our venture BUT because I am the "other woman" I don't actually know this. He says he has my back but what does that mean? Communication can be difficult when we are apart and he has other priorities abd commitments.....sometimes I find myself wondering if he even acknowledges that I have needs or expectations from all of this. Do I akso as his mistress have any rights that would/may be exercised by "a wife" in this situation or do I have any right to expect those considerations? Curiouser
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On_Safari
12 years ago
...
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RHP User
12 years ago
Communication? I reckon if women didn't make first contact with the men they would forget you exist in a about a week I reckon. What are your concerns about exploring a couples scenario? If he goes into it knowing you two are a couple it should be fine. But yes I have seen "couples" where one partner starts playing with someone else and they totally forget their partner, the partner is totally excluded ... and to be honest the first time I had a threesome with someone I cared about it was a strange and I did experience some jealousy..... only because I wasn't sure of him at all. I was inexperienced and he turned out to be a prick in the end. LOL. So if you are not sure of him or if you haven't discussed your expectations of how you would like things to go during the group sex thing, maybe it isn't a good idea. Don't go into it with doubts Indy... not if you have feelings for him. Now when I play with my lover I feel totally connected to him during the play time and I don't feel any jealousy at all, but then again we are very good friends and I feel total safe with him where ever we go or what ever the situation. Recently I saw him with other women for the first time.... always wondered if that would bother me as we are usually with other men. And happy to say it didn't worry me at all. Where do I stand with him? Not sure at all but for some reason it doesn't seem to matter. When you say rights in this situation, are we still talking about the couples group play? Or are you talking about your relationship? During your time together I would expect that you have every right to expect his loyalty and that you should feel connected to him during your group play sex sessions. If he pays no attention to you at all during...... that would say to me that his emotions are not invested as much as your may be. As for having rules that a husband and wife have, for example being able to stop play or veto something you are not comfortable with, I think if you are close you should be able to discuss what "rules" you would like to implement. Hopefully he will be okay with that. But I am no expert at any of this.......... hopefully someone better equipped to answer this will comes along.
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madotara69
12 years ago
You get it, you understand it and you have a very good way of interpreting it all. Experts are just people who know their shit, by backing it up when they speak to it. Not a professional to it fair enough. Nothing from us needs to be added to what you said there, thanks. Mado Tara xx
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On_Safari
12 years ago
I guess you answered that though, yes I want to feel connected to him but I also want him to have his freedom during this playtime. I have friends (another couple) here who want to help "ease" me into this, they know how I feel. I guess I'm hoping that to start with these scenarios won't be sleepovers and I will still have the opportunity to re-connect with him intimately afterwards. To debrief if you will and feel like (bluntly put) he still wants me and I am still paramount. (Lol pathetic yes?). I want to do this thing Meeka, Mado n Tara not just for him but so I can learn about myself as well and get past the jealousy/territorial shit. It will help me grow as a person. Have been with a couple before as the 3rd party but my emotions and feelings weren't involved because I didn't feel any attachment to either of them. I want to be mature about this, I mean; I think he is my friend and I do care for and love him but I never picture him as "mine" or wish to "have him" as my own. :) that sounds horrible I guess what I mean is I don't daydream about him being my happily ever after and I've no desire to threaten "his happiness" I guess the wuestion is would it matter to him if his actions in this scenario threatened mine? How do I even begin to broach these things with him without him going all compartmental on me?
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madotara69
12 years ago
Indi, we don't own each other. What we own is our love and time invested to it, the greater part of our life and kids and wins to losses. So we discussed what you have mentioned, to be honest it was easier to discuss it than think alone to the what ifs. We spoke from feelings and to cautions for them being hurt, not understood, not aware to each others, etc etc. We are friends,so it is not conversation to be feeling defensive, it is to be feeling for each other and doing the very best in anticipation for what may come about. No reason to see your friend unable or unwilling to take an interest to your and share his feelings to the idea. Who it is you may play with is probably more where your interests would be focused to with the conversation, because you don't know them and they may not give a damn about your or his feelings, prize grabbers that may very well ruin the experience you wish to explore. Best you have some way of expressing something you are uncomfortable with, just in case the time comes where without a code word or whatever, either of you could be in a place you don't want to be, your partner unaware. Easy to say one should know the other well enough to know if something is wrong. Easy to forget how courteous and putting up with something uncomfortable also can come into things. Indi, if you can't talk all this through to some clear and care sake with your friend, then it is probably not a good idea to go into it with hopes alone, not fair for you or your friend or others. But whatever, Don't ever think you are committed to something you are uncomfortable with and ignored. Fuck it, them, whoever and get out of that right there and then. People that care to these things won't put you into something like that. Not everyone care to those things.
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RHP User
12 years ago
secondary outsource permissible where primary contractor insufficient/unavailable/specific skill set required not met. . How can each police the negotiated rules of the other primary when they are not present to observe secondary interactions? . What is missing or what is present to agree to forgo co-experiencing intimacy in the primary's union. To put another way, what is the series of secondary persons bringing to the relationship that cannot be obtained jointly/together by the primary pair? . No matter the depth of care and love declared by the primary couple, semi-committed involvement and selfish self-development in key areas will no doubt be observed in the definition of this type of relationship.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Okay... You are over thinking and over complicating everything. What's with people wanting sleepovers? I couldn't imagine having a sleepover with a group of couples as a "usual" thing. That's weird! As for your man... Who I think has never experienced anything like this before.... I very much doubt he wants to sleepover with people he doesn't know. Besides the talking afterwards is almost just as much fun!! So I would forget sleepovers. :p So the real question... How would his actions threaten your happiness??? I think you are worried about territory, and jealousy and the fact that he may not be as concerned about you as you would like through this swingers experience. You need to talk to him about it. For all you know he maybe having the same concerns. No point talking to us. We can discuss this for a million and one years but you will never know how you will feel or react until you are there.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Just tell him you want to do this, experience this, as a couple..... Together. Not as two single people.
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On_Safari
12 years ago
Yes Meeks maybe overthinking a little bit and sharing someone I have had to myself for so long and who I care for is a big undertaking. Territorial bitch that I am lol. Perhaps he'll read this and broach the topic for me should I fail to do so. The friends I have been lucky to meet Mado n Tara have both of our best interests at heart......so it's just my head I need to calm down. (Shrugs) but you're all rught, I have to discuss my expectations in this not just his. (Sigh) bring it on.
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On_Safari
12 years ago
I had always thought we would be doing this as a couple (I would never have contemplated it as two single people) to me that would be uncomfortable as we wouldn't be a cohesive unit.
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gazpacho
12 years ago
Quoting 'I_N_D_A_G_I_N_E' I had always thought we would be doing this as a couple (I would never have contemplated it as two single people) to me that would be uncomfortable as we wouldn't be a cohesive unit. I defer generally to my earlier comments in this thread. However, I have an anecdote! I have met a couple that play separately in the same venue. It's hilarious to see them rush back to each other and disclose precisely what they've been up to. At one point I was ordered to go and find the man, to come back and see all the men she had amassed together to watch her do nude spread legged hand stands .... while inviting select to munch on her girly bits, one at a time... "Next" she would yell... lmfao. I found him in a private room with the door open and a large gathering watching on ~ having his butt fucked by a muscular stranger... They, as a couple, got on well at the time. Needless to say you can be a cohesive unit, such as they were, and still play as a single.... it really comes down to the people involved and their understanding of one another's needs. HugsGazpacho
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RHP User
12 years ago
Nice thread resurrection Meeks! I promise you'll have the book back just as soon as I get off my butt and go to the post office and send it! . . I_N_D_A_G_I_N_E, Meeks is onto something when she says you are over-thinking and over-complicating things. I'm an over thinker too and over-complicating usually only comes about when you aren't communicating your over-thinking to someone who may have some valuable contributions to make to the discussion (ie. the person at the centre of them!!!) Talk to him. Have the conversation. Otherwise all that over-thinking is essentially a one-way conversation lacking the clarity his opinion may provide. To add my opinions to what others have said here recently, I think sometimes non-monogamy/polyamory/whatever label you want to apply has to be almost clinical and somewhat scripted, in order to make it work, at least in the case of taking a closed relationship and opening it up. Sometimes awkward conversations have to be had. I believe you should be able to say anything, canvas any fear, any desire, any concern to your partner and those discussions are always best had before the doors swing open rather than after. . Communication is vital. Free-flowing, no-holds-barred communication has to be a strength in your open relationship (in any relationship really). - If you can't say absolutely anything, if you hold something back, if you worry about judgement from your partner when airing your feelings, insecurities or concerns, then it is possible an open relationship is not for you. - If the thought of such intense communication 'spoils the fun', ruins the "I have a day/night pass with the person of my choice" feeling of freedom and to talk about it will dampen our mood, or 'kills the buzz' of having sex with another, then an open relationship may not be for you. - If one person comes to the communication table freely and willingly and the other person has to be dragged there, I believe an open relationship is probably not for you. . Only when two people are on the same page, can you achieve true communication. And I suspect that once this is achieved, then the tough and contentious aspects to non monogamy become MUCH easier to work through in a relationship. . I get all squirmy and uncomfortable when talk shifts to rights. Everyone has the right to feel safe, comfortable, valued, respected and trusted. For some reason, I associate 'rights' with rules, restrictions and control and I am not convinced all of these are conducive to a healthy open relationship. Rights come with responsibilities (to treat people as you wish to be treated), rules can be broken easily and are only as meaningful as the two people in the agreement formed around them choose to acknowledge. Boundaries are probably better than rules and are easier to negotiate and re-negotiate as the need arises. .. It is both your right and your responsibility to treat others as you would like to be treated. Communicate to others what you would want them to communicate to you. . As for jealousy, I'm still learning to better understand this. Jealousy is a response to a feeling or a fear and more often than not, at it's roots are insecurity or fear of loss of something (quite often control). If your partner loves you and loves, respects and honours the relationship, then the very last thing they should want to do is have their actions make you miserable. If you can get to the bottom of the feeling or fear that causes the jealousy, and then be able to communicate it to your partner and work through it, then jealousy can be managed so as not to poison or rot the relationship. . Because sure as shit, if you cannot communicate feelings or fears, then an open relationship is probably not for you. .. If you can do these things, and if you are always working to improve these things, and if you nurture, respect, value and honour all of your relationships, then I think an open relationship can definitely be for you. . I believe that these things apply to every relationship, regardless of whether it is a monogamous one or not. . Flirty x . ... Now if only I could learn to summarise
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'flirty_bi_fem'... Now if only I could learn to summarise ... Like Gaz does. Quoting 'gazpacho51'Needless to say you can be a cohesive unit, such as they were, and still play as a single.... it really comes down to the people involved and their understanding of one another's needs. HugsGazpacho Your party stories always crack me up. Nude handstands? I live such a sheltered life *sigh* . Flirty x
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RHP User
12 years ago
Okay, I am not sure what you are really worried about? Gaz has a good point every couple is different, some do like playing separately. It's one of those things, since you are both new to all this it may be a process of learning as you go. What works for you both, what you didn't like etc. You don't seem the shy type to me and as the one person who would know everyone in the room you should feel the most comfortable! So speak up dear if something is bugging you.
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RHP User
12 years ago
I am really good at heads stands, downward dog poses, the splits. I am very flexible. But sadly with my blood pressure there is no way I can sustain a hand stand for any length of time without feeling sick. Blood pressure issues. :(
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On_Safari
12 years ago
Simply....."Thank You" Gaz I loved the story about your "couple" that does sound like fun and yes I would enjoy the sharing and laughter afterwards. I wish he had been with us all in Sydney because honestly, seeing him in a room being sexual with others and imagining the look on his face is priceless for me and it would have been a joy in that scenario. Flirty you brought very valid insight via your post and Shells it's good to know it's do-able to get past MY insecurities with communication and understanding. Our profile is written with some adjustment from my "Guardian Angels" I guess now I just have to have that D & M without being waylaid by BDSM 😇 . As for the sleepovers Meeks told ya I was a baby to all the intricacies of this stuff!! Lol thanks I feel a bit better equipped to have the chat and hopefully he's read this and had a think about boundaries and "rules" etc. This isn't just about me it is a shared thing that I hope will bring us both a few safe, sane and consentual experiences we can both enjoy, remember and be grateful to each other for sharing together (including the enjoyment of the people we meet and/or play with).
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On_Safari
12 years ago
Besides wanting to do this with complete open honesty, mutual enjoyment and respect within the boundaries of a caring, committed friendship? I'll message you....lol
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RHP User
12 years ago
As for feelings jealous or being territorial. Yeah I get that. Well you need to totally trust him... But it helps if you piss on him first to mark your territory. :p
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On_Safari
12 years ago
After we've had sex I straddle his chest and rub my wet juicy vajayjay and our combined jism all over him, laughing. Kinda like Slimer in Ghostbusters 👻 ~ Mm mmmm
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On_Safari
12 years ago
After we've had sex I straddle his chest and rub my wet juicy vajayjay and our combined jism all over him, laughing. Kinda like Slimer in Ghostbusters 👻 ~ Mm mmmm
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