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Eeney meeney miney mo – should I date John, Jack or Jo? Anyone who has been in the position to have more than...
Bessie & Geoff | June 01 2007
Too Many Fish
Eeney meeney miney mo – should I date John, Jack or Jo? Anyone who has been in the position to have more than one potential boy or girlfriend knows how desperately frustrating it can be to narrow the field and choose just one to 'go steady' with. It seems like each person fulfils a different side of your personality. One drives you wild in bed, but when it comes to conversation your vacuum cleaner is better company, and another you can discuss the meaning of life with for hours but could have better sex with a crumpet toaster. One shows you a great time but would look better with a bag over their head and another is absolutely perfect, oohh except for the fact that they kiss like a wet rag. You adore them all for their individual traits but none are the complete package. So what can you do? Is it possible to be in love with more than one person and how do you go about finding Mr/Mrs perfect?
First up science has shown us that the feelings of attraction and love are chemical based and it is absolutely possible to love two or more people at the same time equally. Which if we are honest we already knew. Let's face it - no one doubts a parent can love two children or that you can love more than two people over the course of your life. But society forgets this logic when dealing with affairs of the heart and insists we choose just one to 'complete' us. The problem with this is we are not just one type of person ourselves. We all have multiple personality types.
There is the us that kisses our Mum hello, the us which eyes up a hottie in a club, the us at work, the us with our mates. We are all multifaceted and to make matters worse those traits change over time. So which is the real you? The fact is, it is all 'the real you' and to assume that one person can meet all these different needs is asking rather a lot. Chatty, sexy, interesting, thoughtful, entertaining, happy, considerate, sensitive, kind, helpful, good with mates, kid, friends, parents and animals. Great in bed, at listening, at work, at parties, in emergencies, strong enough but not too strong, soft enough but not too soft, independent but not distant, confident but not cocky, need me but not insecure and any number of other things you require to complete the you, you are at any one time.
To add to the confusion you are supposed to try to mould yourself to fulfill all of their needs too. Is it any wonder so many relationship collapse in a heap of unmet expectations?! The illusion that we must complete someone or be completed by one person in every facet of our life has us asking the impossible of the people we love most. To add insult to injury in a cruel cosmic twist of fate, it turns out most people who are really good in one area suck in another, as anyone who has tried to have a girly talk with a blokey bloke or go crocodile hunting with a girly girl will tell you.
So how do we pick Mr/Mrs right for us? First we have to remember that different people will be more or less right for us at different times in our lives but there are some rules as to how to spot and keep them.
Set realistic goals for what areas of your life you need fulfilled by a single individual. Don't expect one person to be everything. Remember you cannot possibly be everything to one person so don't let your ego get in the way by demanding it. This only puts strain on the relationship. Remember the person you chose to be with full time must have traits that you can live with full time. Let's face it, you can't have wild sex all day everyday - more's the pity, so when you aren't swinging off the chandeliers what exactly are you going to do with them for the rest of the day? Since problems are guaranteed in life, it's always beneficial to choose someone you feel you could go through problems with. Don't begrudge someone for not being perfect, you are not perfect either. Enjoy them for the similarities and look to others around you to complete the areas you feel are lacking in a way you and your partner can agree on. One solution for some people is the girls/boys night out. A chance to charge up the areas of your psyche with like minded people that you may not be able to experience with a partner of the opposite sex.
Finally, remember a completed person is a content and happy person. So rather than getting jealous or sad… be a realist. Be grateful for the great things you share and relieved neither of you have cause to take out unmet frustrations on each other or the relationship.
First up science has shown us that the feelings of attraction and love are chemical based and it is absolutely possible to love two or more people at the same time equally. Which if we are honest we already knew. Let's face it - no one doubts a parent can love two children or that you can love more than two people over the course of your life. But society forgets this logic when dealing with affairs of the heart and insists we choose just one to 'complete' us. The problem with this is we are not just one type of person ourselves. We all have multiple personality types.
There is the us that kisses our Mum hello, the us which eyes up a hottie in a club, the us at work, the us with our mates. We are all multifaceted and to make matters worse those traits change over time. So which is the real you? The fact is, it is all 'the real you' and to assume that one person can meet all these different needs is asking rather a lot. Chatty, sexy, interesting, thoughtful, entertaining, happy, considerate, sensitive, kind, helpful, good with mates, kid, friends, parents and animals. Great in bed, at listening, at work, at parties, in emergencies, strong enough but not too strong, soft enough but not too soft, independent but not distant, confident but not cocky, need me but not insecure and any number of other things you require to complete the you, you are at any one time.
To add to the confusion you are supposed to try to mould yourself to fulfill all of their needs too. Is it any wonder so many relationship collapse in a heap of unmet expectations?! The illusion that we must complete someone or be completed by one person in every facet of our life has us asking the impossible of the people we love most. To add insult to injury in a cruel cosmic twist of fate, it turns out most people who are really good in one area suck in another, as anyone who has tried to have a girly talk with a blokey bloke or go crocodile hunting with a girly girl will tell you.
So how do we pick Mr/Mrs right for us? First we have to remember that different people will be more or less right for us at different times in our lives but there are some rules as to how to spot and keep them.
Set realistic goals for what areas of your life you need fulfilled by a single individual. Don't expect one person to be everything. Remember you cannot possibly be everything to one person so don't let your ego get in the way by demanding it. This only puts strain on the relationship. Remember the person you chose to be with full time must have traits that you can live with full time. Let's face it, you can't have wild sex all day everyday - more's the pity, so when you aren't swinging off the chandeliers what exactly are you going to do with them for the rest of the day? Since problems are guaranteed in life, it's always beneficial to choose someone you feel you could go through problems with. Don't begrudge someone for not being perfect, you are not perfect either. Enjoy them for the similarities and look to others around you to complete the areas you feel are lacking in a way you and your partner can agree on. One solution for some people is the girls/boys night out. A chance to charge up the areas of your psyche with like minded people that you may not be able to experience with a partner of the opposite sex.
Finally, remember a completed person is a content and happy person. So rather than getting jealous or sad… be a realist. Be grateful for the great things you share and relieved neither of you have cause to take out unmet frustrations on each other or the relationship.
