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How many times has it happened? You’ve donned your best threads and hit the town with that new hottie. You’ve navigated your way through the fumbling first date banter, negotiated the post date relocation to your house and finally, you’ve suggested you move things to the ‘other room’.

Everything’s looking good, the hook-ups gods are waving you in, but as you open the bedroom door your date suddenly remembers an early morning appointment and exits stage right. Your pants are steaming and your night’s a bust.

As you look around your boudoir, at the faded doona, the undies slung ever-so-tastefully over the TV and the pizza box peering out from beneath the milk crate bed, you wonder where exactly your night went off the rails. Well let me break it down for you. In order to drive your car, you need a series of events to happen in order; you turn the key, sparkplugs fire, petrol ignites, the engine turns the wheels and you move – so it is with getting sexed. You need the look, the chemistry, the confidence, and at the end of the night, you need the right atmosphere. Yes we’re talking about your bedroom.

In the clutch play, with seconds left on the clock, you want your bedroom to be the sealer, an inviting space that beckons your date in and helps everyone relax. What you don’t want is a nausea inducing hovel that is to romance what Mortein is to bugs. You need to freshen up that workspace, even if your room isn’t a total write-off, a little time spent pimpin’ it out will still reap benefits! So, we’ve come up with a few essential points to help you turn that weakness into strength, a sexy, sexy strength.

The bed.

The old workbench says a lot about you. Are you an Italian leather headboard and luxury mattress kinda person, or is the Ikea futon more your vibe? Although a really impressive base and headboard is, well, impressive, it’s probably more about the mattress. If budget is a concern, perhaps opt for the more conservative base and spend more on a mattress, after all, that’s where all the action goes down... and up... and down.

Manchester
Let’s talk sheets! Nothing says ‘let’s get busy’ like 1,000 thread Egyptian cotton sheets! How many times have you heard eh date moan... ‘mmmm yeah baby, is that flannel?’ Never. You don’t have to spring for the top shelf stuff but a good rule of thumb is nothing below a 250 thread count.

And don’t just leave them on the bed for 18 months at a time. If you’re totally averse to laundry, one: you’re sleeping on a layer of your own dead skin which is disgusting, and two: keep the good sheets in the cupboard and make sure you bring them out on game day, then wash, store and repeat.

The Flow

If you subscribe to the eastern art of Feng Shui, there are very basic principles that you can employ to increase your luck when it comes to bedroom bliss. According to the masters, you should always buy items in pairs; that’s dos lamps, dos bedside tables, dos vibrators. Also, if you think there’s something in this Feng Shui stuff then you might want to remove any water elements from the room as they are said to suck the fire energy from the surrounding space, and in the bedroom you want all the fire energy you can get!

Atmosphere

Now you’ve got the basic elements down, it’s time for the real interior decorator in you to shine. We’re talking rugs, table adornments, framed photos, maybe an instrument or some greenery. Think about some practical items that will not only increase your room’s aesthetic impact but also serve to promote romance, things like candles and aromatherapy kits.

We’re trying to make your boudoir classy not saintly, so don’t be afraid to have a few high end adult flicks on hand should the mood take the both of you; something by Andrew Blake or the like, high fashion and high sex appeal... the really dirty stuff can come out later.

Tunes

The trick to keeping the momentum moving forward is to excite all the senses. If your ‘close’ game isn’t the best, consider entertaining your date with some pleasing musical selections rather than your story about the time your Uncle Terry lost a toe on a fishing trip.

Get yourself an iPhone dock, that way if you’re tunes are not agreeing with your guest’s musical tastes you can swap it up straight away; or perhaps invite them to ‘dock’ and share some of their favs.

And a tip for the rubes... no Barry White, you don’t want to look like Quagmire from Family Guy.

The Toybox

Once things are underway and you're entering the freaky-deaky zone where the inhibitions are melting away, you might want to reach for a condom, or that sex toy you like so much. Keeping this in mind it’s a good idea to have an allocated toy-box; this could be a bedside table draw or perhaps an actual toy-box, beside the bed. Whatever the storage space, like the rest of your room, nay, even more than the rest of your room, it must be kept spotless and presentable.

The Morning After

So now it’s time to wake up, share some more awkward words and get on with the day, right? Wrong. Let’s go for the bonus round! Make the morning every bit as enjoyable and comfortable as the evening that preceded it. For starters, let’s get rid of that morning breath problem will a small bowl of mints on each bedside table. Also, let’s have a clean towel, or maybe spring for bathrobes to have nearby should your date want a shower, hell, that might be a great segway into the mutual shower... now you’re cooking with gas!

Conclusion

Remember the aim here is to make your bedroom stylish and sexy, not overly manly or feminine. Your aim is to remove any elements that do anything but invite the guest to relax and focus on your company. So have fun with it, get a few Ikea catalogues if you’re a novice. Once you get a direction it’s a really enjoyable process, and hopefully, the reward for your hard work with be even more enjoyable again!