F34
What the hell do men actually want
November 05 2020
Comments
ExhibitionistEve
3 years ago
What do you want? Do you want to have a relationship with him? Tell him. Maybe he wants that too and is nervous to lose you if he tells you. Or maybe it's not mutual and it's time to move onto other things.
RHP User
3 years ago
I was going to ask the same question...
What the hell do women want???
Lol
MsSuperFoxy
3 years ago
I understand what you are saying. If a conversation has not happened, (with mutual agreement), to be in coupled committed relationship, then people are free to do as they please. You could have a lover for years, and still not be in a coupled committed relationship. By what you are stating, sounds like he doesn't want that. He wants to be friends, that's it. Believe him when he says it. Sadly, His mind is made up. It doesn't matter what you feel, he's not going to change his mind. You've got 3 options. Be lovers (continue content), be just friends or ending it all together. It's difficult because you have the "feels".
Ms Foxy
Ms FoxyRHP User
3 years ago
Boundaries I think is entirely what this is about...
If you’re both content in the friends with benefits, then only accept behaviours that are conducive to such an arrangement....
So if he’s sending you mixed messages...go back to the basics and when he moves to kiss you goodbye pull back and remind him you’re just friends that scratch an itch together and that means no goodbye kisses...
Do that for every single behaviour that’s giving you mixed messages and I think you’ll see a change in his behaviour....
But be prepared for him to walk away ... as whilst he may declare feelings for you, it may also flip to the other side of the coin....
Kokoflamingo
3 years ago
I have feelings for every guy I see on a regular basis. I wouldnt be seeing them otherwise. I just know that it isnt going to become more than what it already is. I care about the guys I have been with and am still friends with guys I dont sleep with any more. I dont get the "fucking without feelings" thing when you are seeing someone regularly. Maybe its just me? If you want it to become serious, you have to tell him. Good luck x
RHP User
3 years ago
Men, just like women want different things, we're all individuals. Maybe the question is what does HE want?
Another maybe is, that he spontaneously gave you a peck on the way out the door, you were there and only he knows.
FeistyFatty
3 years ago
Its just a kiss as you're saying goodbyes after being intimate.... sounds like fairly human behaviour to me. Dont overthink the little things and just go with the flow .... enjoy each other😘
teamaj2
3 years ago
Finding a long term FWB that gives you no grief , you have the best time with and fits into your life is a win . Sometimes we all ‘over think ‘ things . A lingering gaze , an intimate moment or in your case a kiss goodbye .
If you want more from this arrangement , have yet another conversation, you are friends /adults after all . Yes , sadly you may lose what seems to be a great thing by a scaring him away . Then again , he may feel the same and be a little daunted by the moving of the goal posts . Think carefully prior proceeding about what you really seek and if he fits into your life not just one part of it .
Good luck A x
AnnieWhichway
3 years ago
What so men like.....
A warm wet spot to deposit their load, as often as they wish
What do men not like....
To be anchored, contained.....and questioned.
Cavemen did not speak with anythng else but grunts
nightingale8
3 years ago
Perhaps he knows that for whatever reason you wouldn’t be compatible in a relationship hence the whole friends with benefits. Of course you can love a friend but never want to go there. That’s not a man thing
RHP User
3 years ago
If there is genuine care and friendship, which should be the case after 7 months. Then communication is what will always keep the friendship going. It very natural to get attached after being intimate. It is how a females hormones work, you just have to give your self a good hard look at reality of the situation. That should get your head back where it should be.
But someone else said dont allow him to use behaviours that confuse your thoughts. That is bloody good advice. He obviously doesnt want to lose your friendship and benefits of being lovers. He may just not be ready to committ fully. Or could be something small thats missing between you.
Whatever it is appreciate what you do have. If your seeking more then I sugguest you start dating other people as well.
Mask_007
3 years ago
Hi OP. First of all, you have to know what do you want, and does he want.
Is so easy to get over emotional and mix feeling and reactions when part of fwb relationship.
As humans, majority of us get confused and end up destroying a fantastic friendship (fwb) because we want more of something that is not there. And that is why you have to now what do You 2 want.
I will refer Ms Foxy comment. And thst is completely true!!! You just have 3 choices to make 1 in action.
I had many times fantastic fwb relationship with amazing woman, that finished. Becouse one of want more then the other.
Me for example, i couldn't live together, share a life with anyone, due to the dynamics of my crazy life stile. And i know that. By that, i preferable keep just as fwb even when deep down i want more!.
I hope you find your self. Best of luck.Sawadee
3 years ago
Bottom line is : FWB and FB.'s develope emotions just like anybody else. Like it or not ' feeling do grow and you can handle it 1 of 2 ways.. First ' you continue on and allow your feelings to grow ' or second ' you put a cap on it and move on. Blunt ' yes.. but true..
playfulminx
3 years ago
I don't think that sex is the only benefit that some guys and girls want out of an FWB situation, even if they say 'just sex'. Eventually the intimacy, affection, cuddles and all the yummy trimmings of a relationship come into play and things stop being 'just sex'. You can't have your cake and eat it I feel, without at least admitting that a relationship has actually formed. But guess what? It's takes two to tango. If he doesn't know what he wants, but you do, then it's entirely your choice to stay or go.
RHP User
3 years ago
For someone to ASK this There’s several issues brought up
- damaged by past experience/s
- has limited tolerance
- needs to blame others for their own poor judgment
- very low understanding that not men and women are different. It’s that People are ALL INDIVIDUALS Thus no one Wabts the same just because of gender
Mid_nite_blue71
3 years ago
Sweetpea13 I have been in a monogamous FWB situation for nearly 3 years. I totally get where you are coming from. In my mind this is a serious relationship. My partner on the other hand says he doesn't want a relationship and it never has been a relationship. We have had many an argument on the point. Yes we are good friends and support each other. Have also been through some tough things together. The sex has always been amazing. I also understand the mixed messages as well. Can be very confusing. I have come to the conclusion that I accept his POV on it and continue the FWB without causing drama about if its a relationship or not, He is a really good man and I decided I would rather have him in my life than to not have him at all. I know he cares for me just not in the way I want. Sometimes you have to choose what is best for you. If you do want a relationship with someone and he is not on the same page then may be its time to find someone else. To know how he feels voice your concerns and if you cant get a straight answer maybe that is your answer,
Madmix76
3 years ago
I once was told a story of an octogenarian in her aqua aerobics class giving some of the younger ladies her wisdom. She said " Men love to f#$k and Women f#$k to love." I know often it's not the case at stages in life. How accurate/inaccurate does anyone think that quote is as a general description of the sexes to each other?
sinnerman
3 years ago
After a few relationships I have discovered (I know this be totally revolutionary here) the secret to happiness and no confusion is open and honest conversations.... leaving both the person delivering the information and the receiver in absolutely no doubt of the meanings and intention of the details being converted. That’s it!!!
RuralBiCple
3 years ago
As usual ladies you are over thinking the situation, most men want three things an alcoholic beverage, some form of violent entertainment (Sport, PlayStation etc etc) and a willing and an enthusiastic sexual partner to pleasure our rude bits. All other things are just the white noise we have to tolerate to get the aforementioned desires, our paradise is getting all three at the same time :D
RHP User
3 years ago
I think it is inevitable that after being close with someone for seven months some feelings will develop. We can all decide to hide them but we also all know it happens. Ask yourself what you want, he may be pushing you away to keep his feelings from being crushed. I hope this helps
RHP User
3 years ago
Whilst ‘Men&Women’ continue considering ‘Men&Women’ in framing individual expectations (and the reverse, associating individual traits with gender), the inherent problem with its predictable outcome will continue. It’s very simple & gives rise to understanding the core issue; Expectation. We’re not helping at all by creating endless categories for relationships... FWBs, FBs, etc, just more opportunities for failure of expectation or opportunity for misunderstanding. Solution; discuss your individual requirements and expectation with the other & vice versa at the very beginning. Easy. Any variation over time can be raised as it appears & be assessed. Nobody gets a surprise. Generalisation is rarely used correctly here, but I’m confident in this one; talking is not used to assess individual suitability anymore, so we don’t have anyone to blame but ourselves.
RHP User
3 years ago
@sweetpea13
I have really enjoyed reading your post and the various responses. Very enlightening. As is your profile description. Before I delve further into that I would like to address the last sentence in your original post that I feel is a little unfair. "....but how can you use someone so long and not have some form of feelings for them"
It is simply not realistic for you to default to a position of feeling used because he hasn't reciprocated your interest in moving the relationship to the next level. I totally understand why you might have reached that position, that is, if I am reading the sequence of events correctly.
So I will paraphrase and if you could be so kind as to confirm or clarify as needed. Your profile clearly indicates that 1. you like sex and are good at it and know what you want and how to get that (that's a really attractive trait in a partner IMO) and 2. that you also are looking to form a normal human connection that is not driven by a sexual outcome..a reference to netflix and chill if memory serves. So assuming that he read and understood that then he is not one of those guys 'racking up stats' to boost his ego and /or reputation amongst his peers. I will also assume that such occasions have transpired. After 7 months it would be safe to assume that he also has had some of his emotional / intimacy needs satisfied. 7 months of faking that would be unlikely - which is further supported by the kiss he gave you out of the blue - it would be instructive to know a little more about what happened between you two in the lead up to this event. I imagine that there may have been a deeper level conversation or a situation which elicited a deeper level and mutually shared feeling of closeness / understanding / nurturing? I suspect that he exposed a vulnerability or told you something that was difficult for him? and your response alleviated any fear or anxiety and made him feel a bit spesh / supported / relieved about not having to hide it away. If that was the case then what you felt when he kissed you goodbye was very very real. And rest assured that at that moment in time he felt it also. But I get the feeling that, whilst encouraged by this sign you didn't immediately step it up so to speak and kept those bubbling emotions in check (your submissive nature dictates that you want him to take the lead in this manner) and there were little things that he did that supported your suspicion that he was transitioning into the 'commitment' zone. Am I on the right track?
But at some stage there was a slowing down of these subtle behaviours which forced your hand a little and you confessed your desire to be with him more? Secretly hoping that this strategy would trigger the result you wanted?
And yes....males can be totally unaware of your subtle behaviours that indicate that you are all his, come and get me!! I am one of those guys and those signs totally missed...Note to the ladies..if this is happening to you then do not hesitate in physically grabbing your guy and educating in a language he is oblivious of, eg. 'Dude...when I look at you and play with my hair and expose my neck to you - it MEANS I WANT YOU TO COME AND GET ME....get it? Now stand back and lets do that again and when you see that this is exactly what I want you to do" Don't worry - we wont be offended and very grateful for the clear explanation of your expectation and the confusion we suffer just because we weren't born with the ability to read your fricken mind.
Apologies I have digressed. All of which has led to the current status? You: confused with uncomfortable feelings of rejection starting to perhaps surface? Him: unsure of his ability to meet this new level of expectation and / or unsure if that is what he wants?
Time to take a breath and relax...it has nothing to do with you as a person and your value. It's all about his insecurities and confidence to be able to maintain the added demands required in a successful relationship. It also might trigger a fear of experiencing the same pain he felt in the past and this fear is causing that I want this, no I dont that pain if it goes bad minute by minute thought fluctuation. He is not in a place of comfort right now I can assure you.
His behaviour indicates that he is really into you. If he wasn't he would be gone. It also indicates that he doesnt see himself as the dominant partner - probably sees you as sharing the responsibility of decision making.
The question I think you need to ask of yourself is how strong is your need to have a man that enjoys being the boss, making the rules and absolving you of that responsibility? I don't think that a sub/sub relationship is going to be sustainable over the long term. He does not have a dominant personality - which you already know - so that decision may have been resolved already? Please clarify.
For the sake of this discussion I will assume that it already has and you want to proceed with him in your life. So now you have permission to be proactive in shaping the outcome as these roles have been established. And I think your sole focus should be on helping him move through this difficult stage to a position where he is confident of making the right decision.
And this is what I think you should do. Let go of your needs and do not fall into the trap of manipulating him into a forced decision - will end badly if you do - you could really fuck him up if you resort to this and your resentment will grow and you will unconsciously make his life miserable at every opportunity. Please trust me on this. It is not because you are a bad person, it is a natural behavioural pattern that happens from ongoing feelings of self resentment which you will project on him.
So take the intiative, re-assure him that you will still love him and that you want him to be happy regardless of the outcome. Take away one of the blocks for him - he doesn't want to cause you hurt / pain.
I would then suggest that you both take a free online MBTI personality test - available at a lot a sites but one I have used is you will both gain a greater insight and understanding of your own personality and how your cognitive process determine how you intereact with the outside world and how the outside world percieves your behaviour. My promise to you is that some of your past behaviours - either your own or his which didn't make sense will now be understood.
It will also give you some insight into your suitability over the long term, identify areas of potential challenge / conflict that can be understood and thus strategies developed to allow both parties to have their needs met. Or the differences are so great that a mutual decision to seek happiness elsewhere is happily made and accepted as being the best outcome for both....and both feels grateful for having dodged a bullet.
Believe me. I have suffered the consequences of trying to make a successful relationship with an total opposite personality type whose natural behavioural patterns are so offensive to me. And vice versa. A living hell with no hope of either being able or willing to change or adapt behaviour without sacrificing the things that you actually like about yourself.
Finally I would really really appreciate your thoughts, good bad or indifferent and also knowing how this story ends. Also - if you do the tests - what the four letter outcome is for each partner. I am an INTJ - and my type is very rare and is compelled to provide innovative solutions to complex problems. I have a drive to learn new things and I get so much pleasure out of collecting new information that it is interesting to me but useless in making my everyday life better. So....I will be in a constant state of anxiety until I know what you do next and the resultant effect etc. All the way until one of the 3 possible outcome choices that Supersexxy has suggested. So please put my mind at ease with an answer (and hopefully committment) to this.
sxy30sGCguy
3 years ago
Here’s the truth ....the reality is that rampant radical feminism and very biased laws in women’s favour have made committed relationships with women no longer worth the risk to most men. Divorce rates are off the charts, less people are getting married than ever before, and it’s inly going to get worse. It doesn’t mean we dont still want it, a lot of us do, but we have had to adapt and evolve to the hazardous environment we find ourselves in. Most men weigh up the pros and cons in a very logical way with no emotion, is the risk worth the benefit, and for a growing number the answer is no it’s not worth the risks anymore.
RHP User
3 years ago
I think even staying friends will be difficult for you as it seems you've developed feelings for him. Each time he dates someone else, it will be like re-opening the wound. It's a hard position to be in, but unfortunately some people (not just men) aren't emotionally invested or have decided prior to the sexual side developing, to be emotionally distant. Why? Many reasons. They can't commit (for other reasons), they have a lot of shit going on and can't or they simply realise that they have led a person on and realise that things are too much and they aren't equipped to continue the situation. Despite all the feminism, the reality is that men are the pursuers and if they want the relationship, they will seek it. No amount of cajoling or pushing will make it happen. It's a matter of parking it somewhere and moving on.
Bbwgoodtimescpl
3 years ago
He is playing you for a goose he doesn’t want you but he doesn’t want to lose you just in case there is a night he doesn’t have anyone else and he can call on you. His an arse I would kick him to the curb and move on. I haven’t read your profile but it sounds like it would be the right move.
Happy hunting.RHP User
3 years ago
If it's confusing or ambiguous or something that makes you feel uneasy, then you raise it and discuss and/or you move on. Life is too short for that shit.
RHP User
3 years ago
I just want a holiday hehehe
RHP User
3 years ago
I think the thing with a FWB type arrangement is that it only works if both the man and the woman are genuinely NOT looking for a relationship. And it's ok to change your mind at some point, just don't expect things to carry on as before.
SuckItAndSee69
3 years ago
I had a FWB for several years. When I met her I thought she was fabulous so I asked for her number and she gave it to me. I took her out to dinner and asked her if she wanted to come back to my place for a while afterwards - she said yes. we ended up in bed but round 2:00 am she said that she had to go home because of her kids. That was OK with me so I took her home. This happened several times but she didn't ever ask me around to her place. Any time I asked her out she would say yes and if I asked her if she wanted to come back to my place she said yes but it never went beyond that and I wanted it to. So I went out with other women but any time I was not in a relationship I'd ask her out and she'd always say yes. Once I asked her out and she said "I shouldn't as I'm seeing someone else" So I said - that's OK we don't have to have sex, we can just out out for dinner, have a chat and I can take you home so she said yes. After dinner I asked her if she wanted to come back to my place - expecting her to say no - butn she said yes and we had sex again. Sex with her was not ever mind blowing but it was always very nice and I told her that I really liked to make love to her and she replied that, yes she thought it was really nice as well - she could have just said "thank you".
At one stage she said that I should ask her sister out as she thought that the two of us had more in common. I wanted a relationship with her but wasn't going to get it so I thought "why not?" So I took her sister out and I wanted to take her sister to bed. I was at her sister's place and her sister had no kids so there was no reason not to - but I still wanted a relationship with my FWB so I didn't suggest sex and just left (in hind sight I should have just gone for it as I never got the chance at a relationship with my FWB. I kept going out with the FWB maybe twice a year but nothing every happened. NOW I find out that she is now in a relationship - just not with me,
So, how do I feel about this? Certainly she and I kissed, passionately, many times - not just when we were having sex. We held hands and when out together acted as if we were in a relationship - we just weren't. Do I care? Well, I did want to try a relationship with her but since that wasn't going to happen I was more than happy to just be FWB. I'd still be happy to be FWB with her.
FWB can develop into a relationship or sometimes it just fizzles out (like any relationship or friendship can). But for it to move forward BOTH people have to want it to.RHP User
3 years ago
hows the sex do you limit him how much effort does he give/ if hes not trying to make u cum harder every time u have sex (same foryou) it should end now because it will only be a matter of time..
sexuallover
3 years ago
You will always have feelings Its inevitable, but you both went in with the assumption you were only FWB so have it out with him
If you want more say it and ask him for a positive answer or say sorry I'm moving on
I had a fwb but she wanted more - as much as it sounds cruel I said sorry I'm moving on you knew the deal
Vinnnieboi
2 years ago
Most have an idea but it all down to how much exposure they have to what ever it is that gets them going and you will find blokes with a smaller pool of offers or experience just take what is closes to what they think they want.
Soz didn't really answer the question but affirm that this sitch isn't going to change anytime soon🤧
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