How to Give Women Orgasms According to Lesbians

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There's a 21 percent orgasm gap between lesbians and straight women. We asked lesbians what can be done about that......

Ever heard of “the orgasm gap”? If not, let me explain: when a rigorous 2016 study, published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour, analysed the sex lives of around 53,000 adults in the US, it found that 95 percent of heterosexual men reported that they usually or always orgasmed during sex, while 65 percent of heterosexual women reported the same. That 30 percent difference is what has been commonly dubbed: “the orgasm gap”.

I know what some of you are thinking: maybe cis men just find it easier to come? Nope, that doesn't hold up either. In the same study, it was found that 86 percent of lesbian women reported that they usually or always orgasmed during sex. This means that there's a 21 percent gap between lesbians and straight women. I think we can all join the dots here. Either straight men find it harder to make women come or, more generously, queer women are just really good at it.

There are probably plenty of reasons for this gap – some of them simple, others complex. If you're a lesbian with a vulva, for instance, it makes sense that you'd instinctively know what to do with someone else's. Experts have also suggested that mainstream straight porn – with its minimal foreplay, constant pumping and screaming vaginal orgasms – doesn't do anyone any favours when it comes to guidelines. But I'm not here to underline anyone's shortcomings. Instead I'm here to ask my fellow lesbians to charitably share their skills with others. So, what do lesbians say when it comes to making other women come? 

“Orgasms are pretty psychological, I think,” says 27-year-old Charlie, “so my most important piece of advice would be to make sure both of you are comfortable and feeling open. Create a relaxed and sexy environment in which you can both let yourself go, properly rather than performatively. Foreplay is also very important. Unless someone is insanely aroused – which I can be when I'm on my period – you're not going to make someone orgasm in a few seconds. There needs to be some build up. Not just physically, but psychologically as well.”

Charlie's not wrong. Sex isn't a relay race and it's fine – beneficial even! – to take your time. “Ironically, I think taking the pressure off to orgasm can make orgasms more likely!” 25-year-old Beth says. “Lesbian sex can be very imaginative and intuitive in that way. You can use toys, fingers, tongues, bodies. But it's all focussed on pleasure: giving and receiving. So I think if all sexualities employed some of that queer imagination and generosity, there would be a lot more orgasms happening. Sex isn't an In-N-Out drive-in.”

Imagination, generosity and intuition are indeed the magic three when it comes to orgasms. But what about the physical, practical side of things? Using your mind is important, sure, but what about the rest of it? “Use your fucking mouth and hands (preferably simultaneously) and focus on the clit,” asserts Brooke, 29. “Unless you're a master in G-spot stimulation, penetration alone isn't going to give most women an orgasm.”

Other lesbians say similar things when it comes to both oral and clitoral sex. “Only a few are going to come from basic penetration,” says 24-year-old Ruby. (Side note: she's right. According to studies, only 25 percent of cis women tend to orgasm from penetration alone). “So my advice for anyone wanting to give women or people with vaginas orgasms is this: go down on your partner. Not for a few seconds, for as long as it takes. And introduce a finger or two while you're there, if they like it; I personally like to aim for the blended orgasm. Penetration is good but there needs to be a side course.”

“Whether you're using your tongue, finger, dildo or dick – start off gentle,” adds Beth. “Then pay close attention to how your partner is responding. If you pick up the pace and they seem more turned on by that, then carry on. If they seem like they're into one rhythm, then continue. This sounds cheesy, but to make a woman come, you need to listen to their body at all times.”

And finally, it seems, the key to opening the orgasm lock is something that all lesbians are anecdotally very good at: communication. Talking. Feeling things out. “Everyone gets turned on by different stuff,” points out 29-year-old Rhi. “So it's important to actually ask your gf or whoever you're sleeping with. Are they into being submissive or dominant? Is there one thing they haven't tried that they'd love to? Straightforward communication is hot, you don't always have to try to mind read.”

“All women's bodies are different and unique and I think we all experience pleasure in different ways,” adds Brooke. “Ask your lady what her likes and dislikes are and pay attention to her when you're 'performing' to get a feel of what she's into.”

Obviously, orgasms aren't the be all and end of all of sex. Plenty of people find it hard or aren't able to orgasm for whatever reason, and that doesn't mean sex is any less satisfying or enjoyable. In fact, oftentimes, the best thing about orgasms is the build up – the stuff that happens beforehand. But, also, let's be honest: orgasms are one of the better things in this life. It's neither fair nor sound for queer women and cis men to keep hoarding them.


Do you have any guaranteed-to-satisfy tricks of your own? Let us know below in the comments!

Author's Corner

Rebecca Daniels
74 articles

I've always been fascinated by human sexuality and I really enjoy writing about many different aspects of it - such as swinging and open relationships, and providing general relationship and sex advice. I often write other general interest news pieces, including celeb goss and movie reviews.

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Posted: Jul, 02 2020
Yeah I’d tell a man what I want exactly where I get really turned on. Some have good skills some are just plain boring doesn’t get me off. Trick is to do softly eat and suck her cunnilungus shallow finger at the same time or better yet stick a finger up her ass that will make her moan more and make her cum definitely 🤭🤪😁
Posted: Jun, 30 2020
Yeah communication is important... Goes with not ghosting people too ;-)
Posted: Jun, 29 2020
Take time.... Eyes on! Watch.. Feel.. Listen... Mix it up...New approaches.. Her fantasies full filled. Ensure all toys are fully charged. Promise her a McHappy meal and lge mocha frappe in exchange for her quick climax
Posted: Jun, 29 2020
I love the orgasmic state of ecstasy.. there isn’t anything more enjoyable than the sensual connection of the divine feminine energy while being embraced by the masculine energy. There isn’t anything more enjoyable than tasting your partners endless juices.. ummmm
Posted: Jun, 28 2020
I personally like to show my man how to get me off, so I give it to myself in front of him or I just take hold of his hand/fingers/head and put them where I want them. Take charge girls we know wot works so teach them if they don’t know. It’s also a big must to connect with them if u want an awesome orgasmic experience 😉
Posted: Jun, 27 2020 aboit a groundhog day article..... Was this Orgasms for dummies part 1
Posted: Jun, 27 2020
Some tips there for the boys and some bi-curious chicks 😉 I agee totally... gotta let your guard down to get the full mind blowing orgasm... but that times to build with someone sometimes... you can't just expect that from every interlude
Posted: Jun, 27 2020
Communication is very important. Some woman’s are easy to cum and other not. Always need to be a good listener, sometimes there’s things to change or added in a hot room 😉
Posted: Jun, 26 2020
It's not really though.... it's a lot easier to make a guy cum
Posted: Jun, 25 2020
I think you should refrain from thinking outloud.
Posted: Jun, 24 2020
You definitely hit the nail on the head with your comment 😘😘
Posted: Jun, 24 2020
Some woman like to being licked some not, every female is different chubby women always want more fun
Posted: Jun, 24 2020
Who said the hypothetical Males don't know how to make a Woman cum ? Many Women cum for many reasons without going anywhere near the clitoris.
Posted: Jun, 24 2020
Just where in the article does it say the partner made the Man or Lesbian cum ? 95 % of Men and 86 % of Lesbians made themselves cum. More Women need to do the same. Don't expect someone else to make you cum. This whole idea that most Men are selfish and bad Lovers is sexist, naive and unfair.
Posted: Jun, 23 2020
Some guys don't like to listen and they can be very selfish in the bedroom. Guys don't be lazy and just lay there.. I like my men to move and be just as active as I am. Ladies tell a man what he needs to do if it's not able to satisfy you but also remember that men like their woman to move their hips with them. So don't think just laying there is the only option to orgasm work your pussy him
Posted: Jun, 23 2020
In fairness to the guys - women need to be more open to communicating what works for them - not lie back and expect them to work it out. Pay attention to the cues guys but ladies speak up if you want something changed or added. It is a team sport after all.
Posted: Jun, 23 2020
Love the article. So agree with the touch the kiss. Reading what your partner liked. A finger in her pussy and thumb on her clit. Hmmm
Posted: Jun, 22 2020
Every woman is different. Sometimes it’s hard work sometimes it’s not. One time it’s easy, doesn’t mean the next it will be the same result. In my experience it pays to be open. Goes without saying that communication is important, the mind is the biggest sexual organ, Be willing to employ whatever it takes be it tongue, fingers, toys. Don’t take it as an insult if your girl still wants to be licked and fingered after your orgasm has be satisfied. Better yet implement a rule whereby you have to make her come at least twice before you even think about penetrative sex. Savour the feeling of how good and empowering it feels to experience a woman climax. Enjoy the journey and make a night/day of it.
Posted: Jun, 22 2020
uktouch. I so agree with you. Kissing is key. A passionate kiss is so intense and can make an orgasm more intense.
Posted: Jun, 22 2020
I would love a woman to tell me how to make her cum and instruct if she wants it done differently.
Posted: Jun, 21 2020
Bloke was never taught how to give head.
Posted: Jun, 21 2020
Women have orgasms too?
Posted: Jun, 21 2020
All about communication and reading body language, not every female is the same
Posted: Jun, 20 2020
@uktouch well said. It's about connection first and foremost. Sensing, trying, experimenting and being perceptive...listening and watching for those cues. Like the article says, it's more psychological than physical, although the right touch is essential and needs to come from a partner who wants to learn and pleasure.
Posted: Jun, 20 2020
@hotfudgebne loved your comment! No need to apologise and it's not being selfish, it's communicating what you like which is what it's all about. Communication is most of the battle. If woman can tell the guys what they like etc on instruct with new partners... if the guys can be receptive and listen without being offended then that's perfect as every woman and their bodies are different and the same tic tacs don't work on all. Yes some guys will know how to read a woman's body etc better which is a huge factor and be able to read the situation, but that can come in time with partners etc. Anyways interesting read. I think to many guys do skip on foreplay as well, and as the article suggests... porn may have something to do with that...? Guys... enjoy all of the experience and not just intercourse.
Posted: Jun, 20 2020
Hmm that sounded like I might be the right guy for you. I’m a good listener...
Posted: Jun, 19 2020
I'm always learning and love to discover new ways to bring a woman to orgasm. There is no better feeling when you make a woman that doesn't normally orgasm cum over and over again. Patience is key & looking out for the small tell tail signs that you are heading in the right direction. Not being scared to ask what she likes in the heat of passion. Most important rule is to learn how to kiss and be very good at it. This can be a game changer and set you up for an amazing night. Kiss her ever where and observe the reaction of her body. Her neck being a spot most woman get great pleasure from being kissed. Tease her nipples, Kiss her lips and connect with her. Lick her from her nipples down to her clit and see where her sensitive areas are. Learn how to make her squirt with your finger or your cock. Not always achievable, but if you make her cum and squirt for the first time you will open pandora's box. Food for thought communicate both verbally and by observing the feedback her body gives
Posted: Jun, 19 2020
The study was in USA?which would have no affect with us here in Oz. As for Lesbians have only met one who actually knew how to make me orgasm.
Posted: Jun, 19 2020
I love to make a woman cum. It’s such a turn on for me. To dance my fingers, lips or tongue across a woman’s skin and see and hear the expectation from her as she thinks she knows where I am headed, then to change track and hear the little moan of disappointment soon followed by the squeal of pleasure when I touch the spot. The shear ecstasy that comes when I lock my lips around her swollen bud and begin to suck makes me hard, makes me throb. And that’s just the entree. 😈
Posted: Jun, 19 2020
It cums down to the mindset, are U in it to get off, or to satisfy please and enjoy together. If it's lovers fwb or just a ons. I myself am a giver and am satisfied with that wet puddle of satisfaction. Some people think of themselves and that's it.
Posted: Jun, 19 2020
Try 3 maybe..
Posted: Jun, 19 2020
Ask questions and listen. Don't assume because your ex orgasmed with you the same technique works. Her first, him second to orgasm always.
Posted: Jun, 19 2020
As a bi female - I immediately know if someone had the technique and is aware of my state to make me cum. I feel completely obliged (selfishly) to instruct them where to move their tongue or fingers to get the result I want. Men: listen up, take note of the cues - faster, slower, higher, lower, harder, softer. The results will amaze u.
Posted: Jun, 19 2020
@wanneplaytooo that’s such a crap comment. Two males who don’t know how to make a woman cum just exacerbates the issue. The point of the article is: men need to spend more time getting to know the clitoris and communicating what’s pleasurable and what’s not.
Posted: Jun, 19 2020
Just get 2 males really? That would mean twice as unlikely to orgasm. Male response when a female has just provided the answer.
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