F44
Where do you find a safe, honest dom?
June 08 2013
Comments
RHP User
11 years ago
join Fetlife :)
inspirit
11 years ago
I wouldn't trust any off here. If you do find one on here, then guarantee he is on fetlife!
kinky_master
11 years ago
Why does everyone seem to think that Fetlife is the answer? It is a free site - anyone can sign up and say whatever they want. There are no garantees you won't run into the same fakes you find here and on other sites. At least RHP offers the verification method - so you know they are who say they are. But remember this is still no garantee! Anyway first - use the advanced search feature. Select the right parameters, including distance from you then expand sexual - drill down to Sexual Personality and select Dominant. You may also want to select a Fetish Interest and then comes the most important part. Tick the box marked "who are verified" Next I suggest you stick to paid members - as we all know that a guy on here who doesn't pay for membership gets lost in the crowd - and secondly - if he is too cheap to maximise his chances finding you in the first palce - where will he take you on a date? - lol From here all you have to do is find the profile/s that appeal to you, send a flirt - and wait for your choosen Master to reply. This is were the hard work begins - finding out if he is a real Master - or a fake. Quoting 'kinky_master' As I have mentioned in another thread - go with your instinct. If someone sounds too good to be true they normally are - so ask question -and repeat your questions a little while later - look for consistent answers. Make sure you have a safeword. Remember as a sub you will be vulnerable at the first meeting - he won't. So make sure you can trust him enough to stop when you use your safe word . Find out if this person is just telling you what you want to hear - or if he genuinely cares for your opinions and limits. Stay away form the ones telling you that real subs have no limits - as nothing could be further from the truth. And finally the acid test - find out what he thinks of 50 shades of grey - lol - and if it is his guide to BDSM - run - lol. Otherwise just be yourself and have as much fun as you can.
inspirit
11 years ago
I have found there are less fakes on Fetlife or in the least wannabe's. On fetlife you can select what you are exactly looking for and which kind of sub you are. On here you can not. Each to their own of course. It is simply a suggestion. Verification means jack shit any where. Anyone can lie and send in a fake pic. Photoshop springs to mind. Verified by other members, sure, although when you meet some one for just a night of passion, it does not give you the complete insight to who they really are. I do however agree with all else you have said Master. If you are really serious then perhaps you need to begin with a professional DOM. They are around and you will learn a hell of a lot from them, in particular the correct way a D/s relationship/partnership should be. MANY MANY men think they know, however they don't! They do not understand the the mind of a sub, in particular what it is they require, mentally and physically. Bisubfunb... Do you even know what to expect and what is expected from you. This is very important you understand what it is you want and your boundaries! If you don't, I suggest you begin reading the many sites available online these days and get a GOOD insight. Do you want to form a D/s lifestyle relationship, or just a part time thing whereby it is more role play, therefore no emotional attachment. (Just sexual) One thing I will say though....Is the sub it always in control of her own mind, body and soul, she will relinquish them to her master as it is the greatest gift, however only once trust has been obtained! From what I understand a sub chooses her DOM not the other way around. Happy searching....I would like to see a thread started by the professional DOM's on here. It is a very interesting topic and could help a lot of people differentiate.
twowithnolimits
11 years ago
Happy to accept PMs here...i have 35 years as a dom:-)
RHP User
11 years ago
Hi BiSub - I posted this on another thread in this section, an 18yo girl was asking the same questions and from the feedback I have received it seemed helpful. Fetlife IS a great resource because there are Groups where you can obtain advice and you can also find people into the same fetishes. This is a straight cut and paste so I hope it has some relevance for you. Good luck finding the one you seek... BDSM Checklist and safewords/actions Young lady, there is some good advice in the posts above. BDSM, whilst being seen as a game can also have serious consequences if you make poor decisions or disrespect yourself. Trust is very important, take your time and develop a strong basis of trust with your chosen play partner. Safe words should not be optional (except for the most experienced players) so it is important that prior to a meet for play, He SHOULD provide you with a simple safeword set up (like traffic lights) and you should be aware when to use them. As discussed above, a new player like yourself must ensure that your limits (the things you do knot wish to be involved in) are clearly stated and agreed to. Its a bit late when you are tied up with a gag n your mouth and He decides your limits aren't necessarily His. Siafewords would ideally include a safe action (like a couple of quick taps using your hand or foot that translates to an "orange/red" signal to slow down or back off. That brings us to a BDSM Checklist. Again, a good experienced and considerate Gentleman Dom (which you would be wise to look for) will ask you for a Checklist. Ideally an emailable version so that He can study your experience level, consider your likes and dislikes (limits) and particular things that turn you on or you may wish to consider. you will also find many words or phrases that you are unfamiliar with and that gives you the opportunity to educate yourself and understand more what's going on. I also use fetlife.com (a facebook like wordwide community specifically for fetish and kinky types) as it has Groups where people into the same thing can provide community support or answer questions and Fetish lists that you can add to your profile so that others can see what you are into. Also, (I could go on for ever but you need succinct and simple advice at this stage) consider finding a Mentor. Someone whom you learn to Trust, whom has your best interests (knot self interests) at heart and can act as your Guide through the initial stages and may even assist in finding your first Dom or Domme. I have a simple set of terms for the initial stages that I use when describing a girls initial forays into this lifestyle: These are not necessarily everyone's idea but after many years as a Dom I find this explains it to some degree and works effectively as a way of growing into the scene safely and sanely: Mentor - guides a newbie through the initial stages, discusses concepts and ideas, how to get started, Checklists, safewords and any of the initial teething issues around finding the right person for you. Teacher - similar to a Mentor but with a more hands on approach. A Teacher moves on with the sub from theory to practice, demonstrating the things you have discussed and perhaps what to try. May or may knot be the same person as your Mentor. A good Teacher sets up the play, makes sure everything is safe and ensures your wellbeing at all times, whilst taking you to the edge of your desires and fantasies, bringing you back to Earth gently and considerately. A good Teacher is also creative and keeps things interesting. Master - Acts as Mentor and Teacher. If a strong relationship develops between the submissive and the Teacher (or Mentor) they may decide to formalise their relationship (privately or publicly) and become Master and slavegirl (or any of a number of terms). There are many aspects and different forms of a M/s relationship that include simple get togethers for play right through to 24/7, 7/365 formal live in arrangements. there is no time to go into detail here. If you are simply looking for bondage (non sexual) then there may knot be the need to enter this kind of relationship. Finally, when you play, you will likely receive a huge endorphin rush like a high because what you are doing may be exciting and new and thrilling (it may also be painful, sexy, fun hopefully or any of a number of new feelings and emotions) so it is important to be aware that what goes up, must come down. An experienced bondage model or sexually submissive girl will be aware (as will an experienced Dominant) that you may suffer a form of sub-drop, that is, you feel down, depressed and shocked at what you have done. you may also KNOT suffer this but its important to know that it's reasonably normal reaction to a previous high and generally temporary. A good, experienced and considerate Dom will be aware and understand sub-drop and will provide important Aftercare for His submissive. I don't pretend to know it all, many are more experienced and knowledgeable but I hope these basic terms and suggestions are of assistance to you. Enjoy the ride but take time to consider what you want to do, develop a strong level of Trust with your Mentor and always play safe and sane. TallDarkman Xx
twowithnolimits
11 years ago
Having been a mentor for over 20 years it would be nice if you took the time to even acknowledge the message that was sent quite some time ago. Basic manners come before any D/s aspect, it speaks to the potential quality of the sub.Heculean effort there adoptasub, well done... :-)
RHP User
10 years ago
no easy answer but use caution.
RHP User
10 years ago
Make friends with a genuine submissive lady that has lots of experience and let her be your suppport and point of advice. The genuine ladies out there that live the lifestyle are lovely people that will always help you as a fellow woman and sub to stay safe if you ask them for advice. Having someone or a network of friends in the submissive scene to help watch your back and keep you safe is always a good thing and you will learn a lot from them. There are some great genuine sub and dom players out there but always remember that there are some sick minds out there as well. Stay safe.
RHP User
10 years ago
but as othrs have sais, community refences , and the fact that they talk to you first, and safe words are always in play. subs can take it to far for a top as well, the setting of boundries is a inportant part.
RHP User
10 years ago
I have many friends on there... most of whom I respect... both male and female... but the golden rule is caution... patience... communication... and safe words.
MarkRHP User
9 years ago
Express your interest very specific He will find you l
RHP User
9 years ago
I don't think fetlife is the best place to start with It's mostly good for people who choose it To be there main lifestyle for beginners I recommend Read research and more research Try out specific fantasies Take the time to learn Maybe then get life will be more suitable
RHP User
9 years ago
Went there and there is no option when signing up to be a couple
RHP User
9 years ago
Look I have meant people at munches who have hooked up on line. The issue is there are so many fakes on all sites it's such an effort to find the real people. Because you are female you have the opportunity to attend party's alone. Where there will be couples of various persuasions who you can network with. At least then you can see who you are talking too. On the net it could be some spotty 13 year old behind a screen getting his jollys. Regards Greg
RHP User
8 years ago
Not to find a Dom but to educate yourself. Read people's writings, learn how to play safe, know what to look for when screening potential Doms. Go to munches, meet people in real life including other subs.
- Posted from rhpmobileRHP User
8 years ago
To me, my profile is simple, straight to the point yet leading! My nature, yes waaaayyy too trusting! My preference, submissive YES! But only for the right Dom/ Domme! I've had both male and female! Much the same but very different in their own right and intensity! Loved and hated both! Crave the right balance! How to achieve that balance! Any insights from the bisexual submissives????
RHP User
8 years ago
I was a sub to a Dom I met on here. The problem was he was lying to me about me being his only sub and he is a member on Fetlife that I knew nothing about. He had also posted full facial photos of me on Fetlife without my knowledge or permission. I believe the two videos he has on there are of me as well but because I am not a member, I cannot confirm this. Everything came to a head at a swingers party when he beat me up in front of everyone because he didn't get to fuck the woman he arranged to meet at this party, also without my knowledge. I also found out he goes overseas regularly to Bangkok and Thailand and has sex with prostitutes without protection. His profile doesn't read as him being a Dom and I believe he is not a Dom but a sadomasochist. He sucks women in using his kids as bait and he is very good at it. Be careful because you are just what he is looking for. Oh and he broke up with me after arranging a coffee date with the woman at the party and standing me up when he was supposed to meet me to check on my bruises.
RHP User
8 years ago
Sorry I had to say it...
SAFETY... TRUST... HONESTY.
Get to know the person... it is no different than a vanilla relationship...inspirit
8 years ago
Just recently I can across a so called DOM. He asked if I like to give head (After about 1 minute of messaging on whats app) and when I refused to answer him, he went into abuse mode. Telling my I was like every other wanna be and that I had no experience what so ever and that I was hilarious, fearful and paranoid. Seriously what a TOOL!
He is on Fetlife and yes I will be reporting him.RHP User
8 years ago
When we first met it was just for play...he told me what he wanted...I just wasn't sure it was what I wanted or needed back then, so after a few play dates I stopped.
Things then changed in my life and the desire and need to be a sub was realized ..so I came back on here and found him...I asked him to accept me as his sub because he had already gained my trust and he always made me feel safe...he was delighted and training began.
- Posted from rhpmobileRHP User
8 years ago
I agree about Fetlife, and munches. Just take your time to work out the genuine from the fake.
Black Forest is a group here in Perth, based south of the river. You can have a look on Fetlife and chat to the conveners. They do educational sessions for newbies and are a truly ethical bunch of kinksters. You can learn about safety and also various kinks with their frequent sessions. You will equip yourself with the tools you need to find The One.
Cheers
GhostRHP User
7 years ago
As has been said Fetlife is a good place. Yes there are fakes on there as there are in most websites. Use Fet to find local munches and workshops and attend . People there will help and fakes tend to avoid them as they get shown up
RHP User
7 years ago
I'd highly recommend going to munches and other kink social events to meet other kinksters. While you'll probably come across some Doms that you like the look of the benefit will be to surround yourself with friends who can watch your back and warn you off anyone with a poor reputation. Like any other social environment friends are more likely to encourage their single freidns to get together too, so all of a sudden you have an army of wingmen/wingwomen who want to see you connect with their lovely Dom friend.
Consider going to workshops and play parties that any prospective play partner is attending, watch them play, watch how they interact with others - if they don't give respect to others then it's unlikely that they'll do the same for you. Finally, someone who has taken the time to be involved in the community is more likely to be 'serious' about their kink, it's less likely that they're only around for a short while to get some easy rough sex. The same goes for you, by becoming part of the scene you'll appear more serious to a Dominant guy. I'm far more likely to want to get to know someone who appears to be genuinely into kink and who my kinky friends will say 'yeah, I've met her, she sounds lovely' rather then some internet random.
Of course, in the end you'll still have to make your own decisions!
Minx99
7 years ago
Found one amazing Dom here, owe him a lot, brought out the best in me. He taught me how to play safe too, best advice he ever gave me was ask for ID at first meet - genuine play partners won't be concerned by the request.
On the flip side, met another here, was a great mental and physical match but I sussed he had a partner (unfortunately after we had played). As anyone will know, breaking someone's trust after them submitting to you is destructive and I was so angry at his incompetence!!
Agree with all who advised to go to a munch, meet experienced subs and never do anything that doesn't feel right for you. Testing your limits is not the same as feeling pressured into doing something you're not comfortable with.
- Posted from rhpmobileRHP User
7 years ago
Nothing too hard core but keen to explore
RHP User
7 years ago
Some people call themselves Doms but are nothing more than sadomaschist who hate there life. Lie,cheat and tell more lies I've met one who actually I think believes he is better than others and plays games but the best part is he fucked up royally meeting me.
Only thing I can say is if someone can treat another like I have been treated well they will have to continually look over there shoulders.
To be a real Dom is to actually be respectful at all times and communicate everything. To find someone like this and fall in love and submit would be amazing if it was based on truth!
- Posted from rhpmobileRHP User
7 years ago
I'm still searching, however I've found that it's better for me not to advertise the fact through this site.
I search the profile or perform searches by kinks or personality privately or suss them out while asking questions or during conversations. ( probably shouldn't post on this forum then hey 😂🙈 ahh well)
So far the best success I've had is through KinkD. But like anywhere, there are so many fakes. Much easier to spot them though.
Just tricky because there's so many overseas or interstate.
Anyway,,, one day 🙏🏻
- Posted from rhpmobileRHP User
7 years ago
Go to fetish house in Melbourne very safe
RHP User
7 years ago
Whether or not he uses his real name and home address in all communications, including his website.
"You can give the enemy all the information he wants.
What you cannot give him is the ability to use it."
~ Winston Churchill
I make no secret of my identity and kink interests. I've even done a radio interview on 96FM, on canes and caning (I make canes), way back in 2004. An online link to the interview is available.
I don't go out of my way to publicise what I do but if asked I will discuss it anywhere, anytime, with anybody. So far there have been no takers for that challenge. In untra-conservative Australia nobody is willing to become engaged in a discussion on the art of caning on a crowded Transperth bus.
People can Google my real name, Google Earth my home address, do their own reconnaissance, until they're satisfied enough to knock on my front door. No intermediate technology, just face-to-face, voice-to-voice. Within five minutes each of us knows if we have any sort of future together.
Knocking on my front door leaves no paper trail, so-to-speak. And some of the people who do knock certainly cannot afford to even attend a munch, let alone leave a trail.
Yes, I am married, been married to the same woman since 1968. And of course she's aware of my activities, all of which I conduct in our suburban home. But, before my wife was relocated into a nursing home, I would get into more strife being late for a meal than for anything I did in BDSM.
"Be it an aircraft or a marriage unless somebody is in charge then disaster lies ahead."
Yes, there are very definite 'disadvantages' to being so open-and-out. Because I don't lead a 'double life' people are suspicious and wary.
"How come he can afford to be so open?"
I am retired from full-time employment, I have independent financial means, and see the quote above by Winston Churchill. And of course such open-ness totally negates any ideas of blackmail or coercion.
BUT ...
My circumstances are entirely idiosyncratic. It works for me but I DO NOT recommend it to another person - unless they are a clone of myself.
The role of the male of all species is to attract, and that's all. It is entirely up to the female to do the choosing. The least that us blokes can do is give her every assistance in making that choice.
EricRHP User
7 years ago
Fetlife, in company with many other sites, does not make its content available to search engines.
Just making all the hundreds of group names accessible to search engines would give Fetlife a huge advantage.
Sure, Fetlife and all the other sites have their uses, in the same way that Microsoft's Windows operating system is so useful because it's in such wide use.
But they aren't the complete answer. For example, if you're averse to planned obsolescence in operating systems you'll install something like Linux.
Since the big improvement in search engine technology, and better algorithms, people are no longer 'joiners'. They plug keywords into their favourite search engine and examine the first ten 'hits'. If you're not in the first ten you may as well not exist in the eyes of the searcher.
Subscribers generally may not, of their own volition, remove or edit posts they have submitted. That can - and has - had serious repercussions in some circles.
Fetlife, for example, is based in the USA, in a different legal jurisdiction than is Australia. That makes legal negotiations very difficult if not impossible. It was once much easier but for some reason Fetlife has become very coy about legal requests.
As I said, Fetlife and all the others have their uses but they are not the complete answer.
Bottom_LinerRHP User
6 years ago
You’ll have to share with Mrs Tori though
- Posted from rhpmobile
kinky_and_bi
6 years ago
But you do need to take the time to establish good lines of communication. Meeting them first in real life at munches or other BDSM community events helps a lot with your comfort levels of security and honesty (as they at least are willing to step from behind the screen that is the Internet) but even then you should always be careful. If it doesn’t feel right don’t do it!
- Posted from rhpmobileRHP User
5 years ago
Quoting 'inspirit'
One thing I will say though....Is the sub it always in control of her own mind, body and soul, she will relinquish them to her master as it is the greatest gift, however only once trust has been obtained!
From what I understand a sub chooses her DOM not the other way around.
I could not agree more. As a submissive, know your power. Your gift is not to be understated. You choose to whom you will give this gift. In giving it, you make Him your Dominant. He must woo you, and gain your absolute trust in order to achieve this sublime level of power exchange between the two of you.So, it is up to you to select your Dominant. Communication is absolutely key in D/s relationships. If he cannot communicate with you nor you with him, there is no healthy dynamic. Start chatting. Keep your eyes and ears open. Trust your spidey senses. it will take time. Caveat emptor. Regarding Fetlife, plenty of people will call out perceived fakes. Sometimes fairly, sometimes not. However, you get the feeling when there is a groundswell. Smaller scenes can be harder to navigate without getting bogged down in other peoples issues, is the general impression i get.
Boards
Forum help
Something related with that
Going somewhere & want to hook up?
Hasn't that topic been posted before?
RHP's popular dating tool
Where the heck did that topic go?
Discover what RHP is doing offline
RHP member's RL secrets
reply
like
report