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Adult Forums   \   Hot Topics   \   I like 'Fetlife, BDSM, Kink, Sapiosexuals' red flags

I like 'Fetlife, BDSM, Kink, Sapiosexuals' red flags

I like 'Fetlife, BDSM, Kink, Sapiosexuals' red flags

    | Nov 18, 2019
Michaeltla   Man 34yrs
I wish to ask, or rant, if anyone feels the same or opposite- when I see or chat with other profiles on RHP, and once they start mention thinks like

- I am active on Fetlife.
- I am very in BDSM, Kink ect
- I like 'Sapiosexual'

I find these are red flags that the chance to actually having a proper meaningful connect or meet suddenly plummet to <50%.

On Fetlife, they seem to talk so much about enjoying their different kinks, showing very hardcore photos compare to RHP; but once I start to get in contact and say 'Hey, I see you enjoy this and I like this too...' They never seem to respond and withdrawn.

Meanwhile, people I have met on RHP rarely mentions their kink, but when I meet and play I have met people with some extremely kinkiest things.

My most recent experience is a new woman profile on RHP. My profile states I enjoy group sex orgies MF, threesomes ect. I asked if she is interested, and if so I like to chat further. So we started exchanging Kik. The conversation started off as small talks, non sex related. Then she started mentioning Fetlife. So, I re-sign my Fetlife account to have a look at her profile and see photos of her being fucked bareback, anal gaping, a cock deep her mouth. Her Kinks are listed.

So I started to discuss her kinks and come up with scenario. She said 'Not until we meet', so I invited her out for coffee- 'I'm busy' She said. Sent her non sex related messages, no response.

So I try a different approach, I sent her photos similar to what she has in her Fetlife profile or what she has liked on others profiles. She responded positively, so I sent more and she continued to engage. I invite her to a sex party- she said it's not her thing, that's fine.

Then next morning I sent her photos of two women in doggy positions (no cocks). She then replied 'You are too forward and she feels our interests do not align'. (despite that I have mentioned orgy, parties, group sex on my profile; and she has liked very similar photos on her fetlife account, and previously responded more positively to a more sexual images than me trying to build connect asking what she enjoys or how she's going).

This is what I often encounter with people from Fetlife or profile from RHP that has detailed listed of their kink or fetish. They do a lot of talking about what they 'enjoy', but when it's on the table and you ask "Do you want to do it?' They withdrawn to a higher ground and shamed you for even dare to suggested it. Most often even refuses to meet the person, worse enough not even try to engage in conversations (especially the Sapiosexual).

It has been 99% of the case of my encounters of people who are from Fetlife or very openly detailed their 'Kinks'. They seem to enjoy doing the talk but often fails to meet up with their advertisement.

Also, chatted with another couple who told me how 'submissive' his wife is, and how she really enjoys it, sent me a photo of her being submissive ect. Then once I start to lay out a play scenario, suddenly 'sorry, you are too forward' - wtf?
bdsmkink
Nov 18, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
SuperFoxxxy  

Woman 48yrs

I see an issue. So you have kinks and fetishes, so do many on here. You are no different.

It is OK to have kinks and fetishes etc. It is not OK to be so direct in messages pictures, play scenarios (what you want), especially when you haven't met them. It is too full on in ya face. Slow down. It is appropriate to ask first. People loose interest very quickly and it is Red Flags. It can can come across as pushy and unwarranted. Maybe fill out your profile correctly. Keep your extreme pics in your private gallery. If someone wants to see them, wait till they ask, not when you're ready.

Ms Foxy
Nov 18, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
SpicyKale   Couple Man 45yrs Woman 39yrs

You can unpick someone's kinks with a tooth pick or a sledgehammer

You went for the sledgehammer! If it were us, a constant barrage of messages after we hadn't replied would have set of major red flags about playing within boundaries. As to seeing things in profile pics, don't assume that someone will want to try all of their kinks with everyone they meet. Bdsm has a high level of trust involved in it and that trust can take quite some time to develop, maybe not before you've actually met! Oh, and maybe the bareback act was with a fluid bonded partner. We're all quick to judge and assume on here, us included some times😊
Nov 18, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
FatFunFiesty  

Woman 39yrs

You've stated 2 people have said you're "too forward"... maybe you are? Maybe its the WAY you communicate your scenarios moreso than the context and acts you're outlining . I too enjoy threesomes and BDSM etc but I dont respond very positively to people sending me photos of them at sex parties/group scenarios or of their Submissives Hogtied and all gapey for example. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy playing like that with the right people. But, if they're anything like me, I dont particularly find chatting about "scenarios" or viewing people "in the act" as very appealing at all (quite the opposite, I don't like it) ...... I too would politely distance myself. Try dropping back a few gears and establish a genuine "non sexual" connection and maybe let things unfold more organically and when you're face to face.
Nov 18, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
Dragon_Phoenix  

Couple Man 40yrs Woman 37yrs

I’m wondering why you’d send a play scenario to someone you’ve never met??

Mr Dragon...
Nov 18, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
SuperFoxxxy  

Woman 48yrs

Michaeltla

I agree with SpicyKale about "Trust". If you were into BDSM, Kinks ect, you would be fully aware how to gain that, action and be educated. I assume you are aware it is not something freely handed out to any willy nilly. The dynamic relationship has to be a healthy one. I'm curious, how do you go about earning trust and maintaining it?

Ms Foxy
Nov 18, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
ruby_blossum   Woman 61yrs

Might just be me....

.... I rarely have any kind of sexual conversation with someone I havent met face to face.
I need to know that I am attracted to that person sexually before I consider taking it any further.

Plus.... I have found those who want to jump in straight away talking about sex without meeting...are just in it for the sex.
Not necessarily sex with me.... a real person.
Just sex.

Or they are a kid fooling around - pic collector/sharer- married with no intention of meeting, just wanking etc...

Nov 18, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
usebi   Man 60yrs

Fetlife

I followed my kink into Fetlife and found nothing but spiderwebs and echoes 😔
Nov 18, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
usebi   Man 60yrs

SpicyK

Fluid bonded ! Pmsl, love it 👍
Nov 18, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
MsJonesy   Woman 53yrs

I thought I better comment

As I liked so many of the previous responses. I clearly have some views which align with others!



To summarise;

Put your handbrake on mate.

Just because someone has kinks or fetishes doesn't mean they will want to do them with you.

If a bloke starts in with a "a scenario", then it is an instant no from me, and many other women are the same.

Don't ever assume a woman will want to sex talk. For me, its the most boring thing in the world to do with a complete stranger.

People use different sites for different needs. For all you know, they might be here to find a regular fwb, completely separate to their kinks/fetish interests. Don't make so many assumptions around having different profiles on different sites.

Many kinks/fetishes require a significant level of trust in another, even activities such as orgies, sex parties etc. I don't know how many launch into these activites with a stranger as their offsider.



Hmm. I didn't do a good job of summarising 😁 To be more succinct; calm down, get to know people first, dont assume others will indulge in their kinks/fetishes with YOU, and put your manners to work.
Nov 18, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
Michaeltla   Man 34yrs

wow with some of the responses

I am going to reply point by point

1. Why did I discuss play scenario before I meet?

Well, maybe that's because to discuss and see if our interests align? I can't believe I really have to answer this question. 100% of the time that I had met someone, we always discuss play scenario or what we want from encounter beforehand. Even a simple 'Hey mate, wife wants fun wanna join for MFM?' or 'I want a single one-one fun' or 'Hi, I want to meet you for dinner and drinks and see how we go'.... like seriously, why would you wait to meet someone, then discuss later, to find out your interests actually don't align?

In real world situations, you also discuss scenario/what you expect prior to meeting somoene either doing trade, job application, school application, providing a service- then you meet the person when you think the goal aligned.

Which then, led to

2. Trust and boundaries are important, - yes they are, and that's why the play scenario, kink, ect should be discussed and laid out prior to meeting the person. So if I have a kink on anal and never tell the girl, and deliberately do anal without discussing it- that's rape. Or to actually spent weeks and weeks chatting and meeting and never discuss kinks or play scenario, then to find out the interests don't align. Which is the more effective?

Trust is important, that was why I asked if she wanted to meet for a coffee. Yea, like I mentioned. I have met people off RHP who I play on first meet and still got kinkier than fetlife.


3. Bareback and partner - if it was a couple profile and she's barebacked, yea maybe it's her partner. But a single women profile who are seeking males....mmm probably not

4. Keep your extreme pics in your private gallery. - oh yea, Did you read the part where I attempted small talk and got a respond and after a week 'sorry I can't chat because I am busy', send a naughty pic and got a positive respond the same hour? People respond to what stimulates and interested them.
Nov 18, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
Michaeltla   Man 34yrs

reply

Just because someone has kinks or fetishes doesn't mean they will want to do them with you. - yes? that's why I discuss with them before meet?

Like 'I want to tie you up, kiss you at your lips, nipples, ect ect, and spank your bum ect ecy' and if they don't want to do it, simply say 'sounds good, but I don't want to be kiss ect ect' or just 'no sorry, ect ect.

If a bloke starts in with a "a scenario" - really? did you even read my messages? I attempted with small talk, how are you, how was your day, ect ect I did not start with scenario, read again.

 Don't make so many assumptions around having different profiles on different sites. - that is why talking sex or discussing kink ect to find out what they are here for!!

I don't know how many launch into these activites with a stranger as their offsider. - that is why talking sex or discussing kink ect to find out what their boundaries are!!

calm down, get to know people first, - yea, saying hello, how are good, good morning ect - no respond; sent a play pic, sudden repond with 'wow', yep vanilla talked really worked
Nov 18, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
Dragon_Phoenix  

Couple Man 40yrs Woman 37yrs

Sorry buddy But it’s you that need to reread stuff...

I asked about why you would send a scenario before you’ve even met.....not as a first message ....

Until you have met, you don’t even know if you or them will click in the presence of each other....you’re still building rapport on a first meet and seeing if you’re still feeling compatible....

So why would you start discussing scenarios before both parties feel comfortable enough in each other’s presence to move to that kind of conversation ??

Mr Dragon
Nov 18, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
MsJonesy   Woman 53yrs

Hmm

To quote you. "calm down, get to know people first, - yea, saying hello, how are good, good morning ect - no respond; sent a play pic, sudden repond with 'wow', yep vanilla talked really worked"



And sending a pic got you exactly how far with the woman you mentioned in your post? 🤔🔬
Nov 18, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
SpicyKale   Couple Man 45yrs Woman 39yrs

Ok, now I've got you. You were just having a rant, not asking everyone on here how they'd like to be treated in a similar situation🤷‍♂️
Nov 19, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
AnnieWhichway   TV/CD 55yrs

.

Agree with all comments above, although it appears the OP is on a justification mission.

I have a fetlife account as do many others. It doesn't mean that I'm up for a bondage session with anyone/everyone. I treat is as a separate lifestyle to redhotpie lifestyle. If planet's align there is the chance that people from one lifestyle may mingle with me with the other. But no guarantees in life.

Probably think the OP is a normal human being but being human means the personality may or not match those he is approaching. We all know if there is a connection, things will evolve. If there is no chemistry things won't go anywhere. No matter how hard you try and push things, if it's not gonna happen, its just not.

Just because many of has kinks, fetlife accounts, doesn't make us pushover. Probably the opposite. Our creep radar is more finely tuned as our personalities are open and out there, creeps are hidden in the bushes waiting for the opportunity.

Chill out OP, fetlife people are more down to earth than you give us credit for.

Nov 19, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
Missb4u   Woman 47yrs

In my experience with scenarios exactly like what you have discribed I do back away and stop communicating and tell them it’s not going forward. If she didn’t respond to the vanilla normal day talk then leave it be. She probably just isn’t that into you.

I find men that keep pushing or mentioning sex or something sexual in every message are a huge turn off. It’s the quickest way to kill my interest. I tend to think they aren’t interested in me as a person just the act.


Nov 19, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
justforgoodtimes  

Man 49yrs

Good old fashioned respect and manners still go a long way from my experience. People tend to respond to what makes them comfortable. We are all different. Just takes time I guess to find the right fit.

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