D/s relationship

March 16 2019

Do you think it’s possible for a sub to guide their dom, not in sexual ways, but ways to help them become healthier and better their lifestyle? Or do you think it’s wrong because the dom is supposed to lead the sub?

- Posted from rhpmobile

Comments

  • RHP User

    RHP User

    5 years ago

    My understanding of this dynamic is the Don is merely the provider of the needs to the sub...

    Therefore....the sub is the one in control, not the dom....

  • RHP User

    RHP User

    5 years ago

    I would imagine it would be like any relationship - you can’t have one without the other and they both grow together as the relationship evolves and strengthens.
    I think people see being submissive as the easy part - to be submissive to anyone involves a great deal of trust and trust is earnt.
    I have not had much experience so these are only my thoughts and may be wrong..

  • AnnieWhichway

    AnnieWhichway

    5 years ago

    Antichrist nailed it

  • FeistyFatty

    FeistyFatty

    5 years ago

    Spot on Anti

  • Rlee552

    Rlee552

    5 years ago

    ... it doesn’t become topping from the bottom, where the sub is seeking to control and contradict the dom.



    In my mind the sub actually has the greatest power as they set the boundaries and then afford the dom the trust to act within those boundaries. There is nothing more reprehensible than a dom who does more than what he has been trusted with.

  • Amir062017

    Amir062017

    5 years ago

    I compared D/s with a dance.. Dancing with your partner can be graceful, beautiful and intimate. But the dance does not start out that way. We have to learn from one another. Learn how we each move and sway. And there is one lead. Dominance means leading. Submission means follow. But one thing I truly believe in. We are equal on both sides of the slash. Because without the other, we cannot dance.

  • CandiKane

    CandiKane

    5 years ago

    Antichrist 👍

  • CaliAsianHotwife

    CaliAsianHotwife

    5 years ago

    One of the biggest misunderstandings of this dynamic is that there is one set definition, and thus a right and wrong way to 'be dominant' and 'be submissive.'

    In our experience, (we live a 24/7 D/s relationship), TOO many people do not choose this dynamic from a self-aware and mature relationship with themselves. Too many either over-sexualise, or over-simplify to avoid truly understanding what calls them to either being dominant, or submissive.

    We have encountered many submissives who want to be saved and controlled due to a lack of self-love or avoiding responsibility. There are also many who call themselves submissives but only through the lens of fulfilling a sexual fantasy and treating their partner as a private porn star or fetish dispenser.

    Likewise, we have encountered many dominants who want to control and fix people also due a lack of self-love, or making up for a lack of power and control elsewhere in their lives, and so they need this as a way to feel good and strong enough.

    While these are not inherently wrong, they are limited realms, and stem from a place of personal injury and pain.

    This is demonstrated first hand when they require others to act and behave a certain way in order to feel valid, effective, and/or worthy.

    For example, many dominants get upset when 'submissives don't submit'. And many submissives get upset when 'dominants don't control properly'. Rather than explore why it upsets them so much, they simply blame the other for 'not getting it' or being a fake.


    As a result, after 15+ years of living this dynamic in various relationships, we like to posit this idea:

    Dominance is not about aggression, control, being better than or superior to, stronger, or better. Dominance is the choice to be the leader – and in the best leaders, there is compassion, emotional intelligence, self-awareness, self-regulation, standing for something bigger than themselves, holding space for others to feel safe in, and being a steady hand on the wheel in times of uncertainty.

    Submission is not about being passive, weak, less than, inferior, or beta. Submission is the choice to serve and surrender in the face of challenge; to confront one's own fears and ego, and consciously choose to trust their leader instead of blindly reacting or trying to control every situation.

    Both of these require vulnerability, honesty, self-awareness, and not needing the other, but rather WANTING the other.

    Much like a dog, horse, or other domesticated animals can submit – and still be capable of ripping your face off – it is not blindly obedient, but rather chooses to follow the pack leader (humans) who have to demonstrate on a regular basis, their leadership qualities. Behavioral problems? They don't trust you as the leader.

    Things like 50 shades of grey, porn, and pop culture has muddied the waters of D/s to the extent that people tend to default to leather/kink/whips, and believe that the foundation of this dynamic, is degradation, humiliation, and abuse.

    As a submissive, I am proud and honored to serve, obey, and surrender to my Queen. I am empowered and feel fulfilled when she is happy, tells me that I'm a good boy, and that she appreciates my sacrifices and effort.

    At the same time, I give her regular feedback, input, thoughts, ideas, and so forth. She wants and needs that, for like any good leader, she listens, inquires, responds, and helps me to choose what's best for us. I work for her - she needs and wants me to be effective.

    Our dynamic is thus built on respect, love, and trust. I exist to serve a bigger goal than simply an orgasm, and she exists to help and empower me to achieve her (and thus our) goals.

    She wants a submissive who will reliable, dedicated, and unwavering. She understands that one cannot abuse their assets, always push to the limit, make crazy demands, then expect them to perform willingly and reliably.

    I love that you are engaged in the conversation of D/s and hope this alternate perspective may help you to expand your understanding and definition beyond the simplicity of 'I tell you what to do, and you can't question it'.

    And, remember, that this is just yet another perspective. At the end of the day, you get to choose what kind of dynamic you want to create with your own partner. That's why it's key to explore, learn, listen to your feelings, learn to be an effective, honest, and open communicator, and sit down together to explore what kind of dynamic would work best for you.

    It's always easy to allow others to tell you what's right and wrong, until you realise that it's not their life or their consequence to live. So be bold to tell the truth about what you really want. And if that includes serving and submitting AND able to give feedback and input, then there's no fixed rule saying that's wrong or not possible.

    We wish you the very best :)

  • CaliAsianHotwife

    CaliAsianHotwife

    5 years ago

    Oh and inside of all this, this dynamic is consciously chosen by both people. It's consensual. One chooses to lead, and the other chooses to submit.

    And with anything consensual, it's only going to be as strong as the rigor and integrity you have in your communication.

  • twowithnolimits

    twowithnolimits

    5 years ago

    Good effort Madam and boy.... don't necessarily agree with everything , but then thats the point isnt it.... and this bit was right on the money
    "It's always easy to allow others to tell you what's right and wrong, until you realise that it's not their life or their consequence to live. "

    We have considerably more years experience than yourselves and have met the types you described (and more..) and Shades has certainly muddied and we think also, misinformed...
    hope readers appreciate the effort you went to.

    no anti et al ....over simplification and rote re-utterance of the populist PC responses and cliches does no one any favours individuals are far more complicated than that!!

  • RHP User

    RHP User

    5 years ago

    If I meet anyone I trust enough to completely submit to, I set my limits and I let them guide me. As long as I feel my boundaries are respected and my safety isn’t at risk, I am happy. I am big on the mind fuck. The couple of Doms I submit to completely push my boundaries, but have never stepped over them. They never ask me if I am okay, but I feel them checking the tightness of the ropes, my circulation, and I know they notice every single detail right down to my breathing, involuntary muscle reactions and how my pussy reacts to everything they do. When someone gives you that much attention, and care, I will do whatever I can to please them.

    And the best thing? We always chat after. From that they know what I enjoyed, what I didn’t. And whether I am willing to adjust my boundaries and try something different next time.

    Topping from the bottom is pointless, but building trust, getting to know each other, communicating well, are all essential.

  • MrRESpecter

    MrRESpecter

    2 years ago

    Yes.

  • RHP User

    RHP User

    2 years ago

    Absoluty. Firstly when you both sat down and set out your fetish list you shoud be able to formulate your play and preferences.
    If as you are administering any pain procedure you may use the traffic light system where you ask for subs whereabouts, green = go harder, orange = nearly at my limit, red = at my limit of intensity.

  • RHP User

    RHP User

    2 years ago

    Maybe guide isn’t a situation or term I’d be happy with, but for myself, I’d like to think in order to continually grow - we (as a Dom and a sub) both need to be challenged. That would happen in different ways for each of us.